Forum: Lonely and Feeling Scared
Monday February 9, 2004
"I am alone and feeling terrible. I am feeling hopeless. I tried to find someone to talk to in a chat room but no one seems to be awake. I cannot phone anyone I know because I don't dare let them know how bad I feel, but I wish I had someone that I could talk to. I have always been so strong and self assured, but things have gone so bad since I left my husband. I thought I would be okay but I haven't found a decent job and am feeling hopeless. I don't feel as if I can share my loneliness with anyone because it would be admitting defeat and seem as if I am useless or something. I also think family would just give me a bad time and also try to run my life. I am really messed up and scared. I am 60 on February 10 and feel like my life has gone downhill. No home of my own anymore, no work, no husband and afraid to keep spending my savings because they will run out. Sorry to be so whiny but I am feeling just so bad..."
Comments
I can empythise with you. I, too, am recently seperated from my husband. I am only 40 but have been married to him since I was 15. While the seperation, I believe, is/was the only solution to survival AND I have plenty of friends that support and love me, few of them understand the depression and loneliness I feel. I can’t help them understand it because I don’t understand it myself. But, I have a feeling it is as one of my very close friend put it. We are going through a period of mourning. Not mourning the marriage breakup but the ‘what could have or should have been’. All you can do is realize that it wasn’t and move on. Yes, this is hard. I agree. I’m in that boat with you. But, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has a plan for each of us and His utmost desire for us, outside of worshiping Him, is for our good. That DOESN’T include depression or lonliness.
Whiny? You have the right to talk. Your confidence is very down. What you need is some good excersize, a walk in the park, mild jogging, throw a ball with someone, and other light activities.
Then you need to talk to people. About what you know, what you’ve seen in your life, and what your plans, hopes and dreams are. Talk to people in your neighborhood, at a social center, church or those you meet. I bet you’ll have an easier time finding a job.
May He bless you,
Cheryl
Well good luck anyways, hope u can make it to 100 ok
I know what you are feeling as i sit here typing this letter i am going through the same thing. i try every day to be strong and to keep my mind busy sometimes i wonder if i made a big mistake.
I SOOOOOOOOOOO feel for you; i’m 38, have a great job, but since i left my husband almost 4 years ago i just can’t seem to get my life back on track – when my children are w/their dad i hit the bars hoping to find a “connection”, but only get the wrong “connections”……… i just can’t seem to get a grip as everyone keeps telling me; just seems i’m here alone and looking for someone to talk to that feels the same as i do, to basically know i’m not alone……
i feel for you all am 48 and have seperated from my husband for about a year now i feel so lonely i have alwatys been strong but now i feel like such a failure my cousin says how come you can always help and find solutions for everybody but your self when it comes to myself i am falling apart. i very can handle my job i go home and want to just hide under the covers whats wrong with me i thought i could handle all of this and now look at me being alone sucks thats why so many people put up with lousy relationships its better than being alone i have nobody to talk to and in the middle of all this i have to pretend so my girls wont see the sadness they are 18 and 19.. what will i do
I am 51 and have been depressed for many years. I don’t work because of this…and that makes my problem worse because I have too much time to think. I feel that there is nothing to live for, life is hard. Sometimes I wish I would die.
testing
I remember reading an article written by a psychologist who counselled couples going through divorce – more often than not the loneliness they experienced from divorce was worse than being in a less than ideal relationship. The grass is not always greener on the other side.
I learnt this the hard way. I am 33 and desperate to get married and have children but cannot find Mr. Right. I had met my soulmate about 10 years ago and let him ago as I was young, naive and unsure of the relationship. Now I realise that he was the one but it is too late – he is now married to someone else. I never found love again and am not sure I ever will. If I had to do it all over again, I would have married him when he proposed.
My lesson in life- grab the opportunity for love when you have it and never let it go – if you have love, work on the problems rather than walk away. I chose to walk away 10 years ago and am scared that I will regret it for the rest of my life.
I have been alone for a good portion of my life and I am recently divorced. I understand and feel your pain. I have tried so many different anti depressants in my life, I am now 43, and they really don’t seem to help much. I think we are all really searching for inner peace. There really is no “one” love or person in your life that can give that to you, it must come from within oneself. Even if you were married or in a loving relationship, a tragic accident could end it all tomorrow and you would be alone again. Please don’t give up, there is so much good in this world left for you to do and for you to expierence.
searching4happiness you are exactly right. Thank you
Wow– can I relate! I have been single since my ex dumped me in 1999 for my ex best friend (some friend) and have been alone 9 years since– never remarried (dated alot but not ONE man came forward to ask for a committment) and as a single mom its been hard. Now I’m 42, fatter and more depressed. I try to focus on my school– I went back and am now 5 classes short of my BA degree– will become a teacher, so its a start at feeling like a new life might be ahead. But it must be harder to adapt when youre older. My mom just lost her husband (my dad) a few weeks ago- they were married 45 years and she’s sharing similar losses- and she doesnt even have a savings at all to fall back on.
So burdens are a part of life– as is suffering– we all have our crosses to bear- but its not impossible to meet someone at 60- my aunt remarried at 70– to a wonderful CEO– they had 8 years of marital happiness. So it can happen to anyone… life can look up when we least expect it… good luck
I can fully relate. Deep in depression for months. My doctor says it will pass. He put me on prozac and it feels worse. Death seems the answer, but God holds me back.
I know how you feel. It’s tough for us older people. No one wants to hire you, which makes the situation really bad.
I’ve wound up staying at home most of the time, staying up late and sleeping in late. I’ve fallen into addictions I use to forget my pain for a while. (Which of course, only makes it all WORSE.)
I had an anxiety attack last week that was the worst ever. I really felt like I was losing my mind. Thankfully I got through it ok.
I’ve gone through my savings and live with a relative now. I have nothing, and I literally mean NOTHING.
I’ll soon have to sell the last thing I have, my car, for money to pay some bills. I was once worth a lot of money, so I feel I’ve lost everything.
I am very introverted so talking to strangers is scary. It seems they all reject me for their own reasons.
I guess I’ll keep trying as much as I can, which isn’t much. I just don’t know what I can do anymore.
I understand everyone of you, because i’m feeling the same, I wonder, what can i do, i try to be a nice person but no one seems to fit in my world.
I am still living with my husband and am very lonely, you can be with someone but still be so lonely. He works shifts but even when he is home I feel lonely. He hates my music, my interests, my friends, my family (although he wont admit any of the above he makes it very difficult for me). He is constantly in competition with me. He gets drunk when we go on holidays and each time he gets agressive and they threaten to call the police, so holidays are out. He has got drunk at family parties and the last time I took him to the police station, they warned him and that was that. I am successful in my career, I am amazed at what I have done and the level I have reach, I have accomplished a lot in life (not rich or anything) but have aimed for things and achieved them. He is younger than me. He has hang-ups and I think this is why he is the way he is. If he was disabled or ill would I desert him, is that right? We went to a counsellor and started to make progress I heard things about him that I had never heard before and some of the things explained the way he is. He constantly trys to knock my confidence and bring me down, I am more akin to something he owns rather than loves. But why should I suffer, its unbearable sometimes. I have single friends but the live quite a way from me, I am very isolated away from friends and family. My single friends meet men and are adventurous re sex and I don’t think I can be. I have two children (well they are adults now) but they have their own lives and problems I cannot bring them down with me. I do so much around the house and he barely lifts a finger and when he does he wants congratulations for doing whatever it was. I want out but I am scared. I am 51 and so have only 14 years to retirement how will i manage on my own. The people I work with have no idea how I feel as I put on a front each day, smiling away no matter what, not had a day off sick for 4 years even though some days I wonder how I managed to get through the day. I am not sure how I can get me back and get away from him.
My daughter visited last night while he was working shifts and it was great. He came home early and her car was on the drive. He tapped on the window and as she was about to leave I did not see any problem. She wound down her window to wave at him before she left and he totally ignored her. Its not good because it isolates the family. She is now upset and I feel like I need to do something to leave or something but dont have the courage.
Last night he knocked a glass of orange squash over in the bedroom I was asleep and he was closing the curtain next to my side of the bed. Firstly I like the curtain open because it lets the air in. He got into bed without cleaning it up even though I said that was orange squash. I had to get out of bed and clean the floor. I have had another night in on my own, getting used to it now. My family are asking me when enough is going to be enough and when will I leave him. I am managing at work but have had a bad case of conjunctivitus (probably caused by crying and wiping my eyes). He will be off work when I come home tomorrow and so there will be no avoiding a big row. I probably should have left him years ago. Does anyone use this forum?
This is for jan, I read your mails I wish I could give you a big hug, a nice cup of tea and the strength that you need to leave this man who is supposed to cherish you but instead bullies you.
I think eventually you will leave him, you need to get help perhaps talk to a womans shelter or something simillar.
It has been a couple of days since I have written on this site, its difficult when he is around. I was really pleased that someone is out there listening to me and that they confirmed what I think I know. I have been in denial because I want a relationship where someone loves me and keep thinking he will change. It is hard to be strong, my family say that I am the strongest amongst my bother and sisters and yet I allow this person to bully, intimidate, belittle and isolate me from friends and family. How is that strong?
Roni, thank you for being there. I know I need help from someone or an women’s organisation that have experienced this first hand to help me pull through and leave him. I did try to get help before, when I took him to the police station, they gave me support numbers. I called the number, the first women I spoke to was very kind, she had been physically abused and so there was a connection. She said she thought mental abuse was worse than physical because its underlying abuse. She gave me another number to call, I called it and they had a voicemail message which said “I am away for two weeks phone back later”. That was that, I gave in, weakened and carried on hoping that things would change. He stopped drinking for a while, we tried to make another go of the relationship. That was a year ago. Things are ok as long as I do what he wants, put him first (in front of myself) and that I don’t moan about anything.
In the early hours of Friday morning (1.8.8) his arm struck me across the head, he said it was done in his sleep. He has never done that in his sleep before. Although I made sure I pulled all the covers off when I got up – it made me think that I am vulnerable he could do anything.
I have kept out of his way and have only spoken if I really have to. I have cooked meals and included him, as last time it got this bad he stopped paying money into the house/food account and so I have to be careful.
I have started to investigate how you rent and what I could afford. I was scared of renting as its the unknown but now I can see what I could afford I don’t feel so bad. I am scared that I will get bad neighbours and that I, being a women on my own, will not be able to cope.
My family are being supportive but they are impatient and want me to leave him now which is not helping as the more pressure I get put under the more likely I am to buckle and give up and just carry on.
My health is suffering as my eyes are still bad and its not the normal conjunctivitis its stress related I am sure. Last time I took the meds that the doctor gave me and they had no affect and to make it worse I was allergic to them and came out in hives and my lips swelled (like botox but uneven – I looked like Donald duck!) . My eyes get bad every now and then when things are bad.
For the moment I am going to avoid confrontation, you never know he may well say that he has had enough and leave (and pigs might fly!). I will see if I can find support
from a women’s organisation, work have a support function but I do not want anyone to know what I am going through as it may affect my career and I need to keep my job to survive.
I am not sure if this forum is the right forum for me, I am depressed and desparate – maybe I need a forum to talk to others in the same situation??
I have reached a low today, I don’t want to be in this position, why me. I have been divorced once – I plucked the courage up and ended the marriage – so why is this happening to me again. What have I done to deserve this. The first divorce, he was having affairs and so maybe it was cut and dry (although it took me 13 years to do the right thing). This time, unreasonable behaviour is one persons view. Its my view on how I perceive him as behaving badly, am I right? I am under pressure from my family. I went to work today, kept it together, however I was assertive to a couple of people and normally I would have dealt with disagreements in a calmer more controlled way, I am loosing it! I am not sleeping, I feel alone. I know I have family around me but they are pushing me (do it now, do it now, do it now). No wonder people take tablets and let it all go away. Don’t worry I wont do that (the insurance does not pay out if you commit suicide and I don’t want my kids to suffer) . I know that that is not the answer but at least I would not be going through this pain. I blocked it all out today at work but there is no escaping it – I have do something I know but I am not strong enough. I am a good person I don’t deserve this. I should have someone caring for me, supporting me without expectations. He is acting like he is the victim at the moment, “if its not too much trouble” , “whatever you say” etc. I need to get help some how.
Its sad to see many lost souls out there, it does make me feel less lonely in my misery but it adds a question, is happiness truely feasable or it’s just an illusion? for me it is and has been for avery long period of my life, living with as a single daughter raised by her single mother, i got to feel lonly ever since i got to feel this world and somehow this lonliness got to be part of who i am, but i lived on the hope of finding love and that would make it up to me in all ways, i kept searching for it, first i thought i found it but for a guy who hardly knows i exist, rejection was so awful and depressing but i said i should go on, i went on and on, and the further it gets the harder it goes, i have been sexually harassed many times by my ex boss and then by my ex boyfriend, who kind of raped me, i said i should stay strong and go on but things kept getting worse, i got then into a relationship with a man who emotionally abused me in all ways, then he physically abused me, i got preganat and i had to go thru abortion “altho i’m persoanlly againt” but in that situation i felt i can not let my baby live a life like this, i shall carry my pain, i had been stalked and blackmailed by my ex when i finally found the courage to say enough, he ruined my reputation at my work and threatened to kill me, now he is kind of calmer since he got his new gf. The misery or unhappiness is such a small words compared to what i feel, i have none to go to and somehow everyone i know expects me to be strong, but does strength have a limit? I really long for someone to share my life with, to wipe my tears and make me believe in living. I feel sorry and sad for each person who shared her story in this forum, i wish that some higher being will look down on us all and blow a kiss of luck into our roads!
i feel your pain. i to am in a downward spiral, out of control. my dream career of 13 yrs is ending (no work for construction). i am a single dad and sole care giver to by 6 yo and my 85 yo mother. i have no savings (ex-wife spent and took all), no home of my own, no friends (especially for my daughter). i am lost, so, i know your pain. i wish i could help. all i can say is i hope your situation turns around and i wish you luck
Everyone who wrote here believe this: You are courageous to be up against so much. While it is not uplifting to read others’ pain, it does help to know that,other than our good Lord above, we are NOT alone in this world.
If pride is holding somebody back in this thread from reaching out to others, don’t allow it. Reach out to somebody you trust. Don’t go the pain alone. I’ve done that all my life. I know how hard it is to reach out, especially if you don’t want to burden anyone. I tell myself, who really cares and who really wants to know becaus everybody has problems. I wish I could practice what I preach here, but I’m like my mother, I guess. She died a few months ago a pretty lonely lady although we, her children, would have done ANYthing for her had she reached out. Having said this, I am reaching out through this thread… so I don’t practice what I sincerely am preaching to others.
I, too, feel like my life is sliding away as I near the 55 year mark and I am full of so many regrets. At this stage in my life, I should be at least an in-law and yet my two grown children are lonely, too, and not helping me realize my dream of becoming a grandma someday SOON. I lay awake at night in so much emotional turmoil and pain that really, the only recourse is to LET GO AND LET GOD…yet…I have to ask…HOW?? I just found out I have a pretty serious health problem that makes me feel sooooo alone and alienated I just don’t know what to do. I hope everybody here finds some relief from their own problems. Take care….
Jan wonder how it all worked out for you.I am married, but he doesn’t love me, sometimes, most times acts like I am not here. I have friends at work, but when we are not working, do not see them much. No neighbor friends. Kids are older and busy, two away at college, one almost away. Anyway, I seem to have a lot of time on my own. I long for the times in my life when I had the kind of friends you could just call up or they would stop by. Husband would never voluntarily do anything or go anywhere with me. I assume we will divorce after last child leaves.
Jan hope you are feeling better, life is a hard, if life was not hard how can we appreciate the good. The best advice i can give is to have faith in god, and to value the people you love. Also try to find thing that you enjoy doing well to get your confidence back up.
i am 23 and recently have found myself alone and scared of life, but i know that thinking like this will only make things worse so the best thing i can do is think positively and see thing postively tring to neglect things that are negative.
Everyone from time to time will feel like this but the only thing that differs from people to people is how we pick our selves up… i hope ur situation turns around
For Jan: It has been a while since you posted. I hope you found the love you need that will make you strong enough to leave you situation. Reading your older posts, made me realize that I was in a similar situation but I found someone who showed me enough love and care. That love and care that I rec’d from another person was the strength I needed to leave the unhealthy situation I was in. I believe this person was sent by God. I look back now and I can’t image why it took me so long to see how bad of a situation I was in and why I struggled with leaving that bad situation. I pray for your strength.
I am 36 and separated from my alcoholic husband since the last 8 years. I am singlehandedly bringing up my daughter. Though initial years were full of struggle, I have been too proud to ask for help. One thing I missed for sure was true love. Today, I have more or less achieved a reputation, a respectable status…but I am too scared to commit to any man. I haven’t really found the right person either…the only true affection I get is from my daughter..who’s 7 and a half. I can understand the loneliness all of you are going through…I hope each of us get the strength to come out of our unhappiness and set an example of strength…I just feel one thing; we should not bank our happiness on another person… that is achieving independence in true sense…though I know it’s very very tough. Wishing you all happiness in life…all of you deserve to be happy…