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FRUITYMOODY asks: "I met someone and the relationship is blossoming. We have deep intimacy which means we are very open and honest with each other. My question is, why can't I come clean about my hospitalization, being on meds to maintain, etc. I've been feeling it out but just cannot bring myself to tell her. I can't see exactly what scares me...but the word shame comes to mind. This is someone I can see myself with for the long haul. After coming out of a horrible situation which was controlling, codependent and abusive I decided to open myself up for something positive. I so scared that I am going to screw this up by not coming clean about my mental health. Can someone share a similar experience or share their thoughts about this?"

What would you say to FRUITYMOODY?  Have you been in s similar situation?  Were you able to overcome this type of feelings and be honest with your partner?  Join the discussion.

Comments
September 3, 2006 at 1:31 pm
(1) Scared says:

I have met a girl over the internet about three months ago. She has told me from the start that she is taking meds for depression. We have met in person only about two weeks ago. I have now seen her four times since then. Today she has told me how scared she is that either she or me get hurt because of her background. She has opened up to me and told me she feel like only half a person. Not being an expert in the field of depression, I am now getting scared that my lack of knowledge about this situation is going to get us into trouble. Our relationship is not very intimate yet, but I just don’t want to give up so soon yet. Anything anybody can say or add to this?

May 26, 2011 at 6:29 pm
(2) pat says:

I was happy to see there is a man out there who is willing to care and understand. You are a great guy and I hope I find someone as caring as you are. Stay with her.. she will love you forever for understanding and wanting to care.

September 7, 2006 at 10:28 am
(3) James says:

I would say take it slowly and let her tell you about her problems over time. I think probably being in a relationship could be part of the healing process for her but don’t know enough about her circumstances. All I know is depression can be a painful experience but that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Read a book on the subject to find out more information. ‘Sunbathing in the rain’ by Gwyneth Lewis is excellent. She says she feels like half a person- maybe being in a relationship with you she will find her other half. Good luck.

April 6, 2007 at 10:57 am
(4) Vanessa says:

I am in a serious relationship with a woman who has suffered from depression for years. When we first started dating she was very upfront about her condition: the meds, the hospital stay, the therapy, etc. I was scared at first because I couldn’t relate to her affliction (I’m generally upbeat) and I have younger children at home. Our saving grace has been open communication (even on the “bad days”), prayer and loving support. Sometimes we bump heads and we retreat to our separate corners for a day or two, be we have been able to reconnect and talk about what we are experiencing. I have to remind myself to take care of myself and the children first; I don’t check on my girlfriend when I think she’s missed work or in a nasty funk–I wait for her to talk to me about it when she is ready, but leave the rest of the work for her therapists. On the days her depression is under control I feel more comfortable venting about my crappy day or crying on her shoulder, and she is a strong source of support. This give-and-take approach has worked for us: we recently celebrated our first anniversary and look forward to more!

May 29, 2007 at 9:51 am
(5) Ken says:

Be encouraged that at least you have done well enough to get yourself into a positive relationship. This is something I have yet been unable to do. I just want to urge you to not lose your head, stay calm and don’t give in to the temptation to despair if things aren’t always going well.

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June 24, 2009 at 5:25 am
(7) dodi says:

Don’t be scared.I told my fiance (who is now my husband) about my panic attacks and my being treated during our engagement and he not only accepted that but also stood beside me helping me to overcome this tough period.Now we are married and have 2 kids and my emotional status is stable since we married because of his loving understanding character. So, my advice to u is: if someone really likes u , he will accept u in any condition. In fact, good relationships do miracles that medicines can’t do !

June 24, 2009 at 8:07 am
(8) QuestionAuthority says:

Take it slowly and tell him/her when you are ready and think it’s appropriate. Don’t rush it. Make sure you’re in a private place where you can talk confidentially. A crowded, noisy restaurant is NOT the place for this conversation. Think “public park on a nice day, sitting on a bench away from others” as a good possibility.

I think that sometimes when we are attracted to someone, we tell them too much too soon. Don’t overwhelm your date right away. If things are working well between you; you will know when the time is right.

You might end up surprised at how accepting your date is about your depression issues. Things have changed. It used to be (I’m 51) that depression was something akin to leprosy in dating. People are more accepting of it now and understand more about it. You might even find that your date is also coping with depression issues. There are more of us out there than you may think. After all, anti-depression medications are some of the most prescribed medications in the country. SOMEONE has to be taking all those meds! ;-)

June 24, 2009 at 9:02 pm
(9) Danielle says:

I have met someone and opened up about my mental illnesses and hospitilisation, shocklinging he admitted the same! :) I think, personally, honesty is the best bet and you must listen to yourself. Mmaybe a physcologist would have a good point of view on how you can tell her without scaring her off? Good luck!

July 13, 2009 at 1:47 pm
(10) PaulinePArtyGirl says:

Hey guys,

I just joined this forum and wanted to introduce myself. I look forward to learning and contributing.

Cheers

August 13, 2009 at 12:06 pm
(11) Riggilsoveces says:

What’s up, is there anybody else here?
If it’s not just all bots here, let me know. I’m looking to network
Oh, and yes I’m a real person LOL.

Peace,

March 16, 2010 at 4:07 pm
(12) amanda says:

I have been a relationship with a depressive for six years. The relationship has been stormy and tumultous over this time, we live 250 miles apart and he is not working so has no money to come and see me, unless he gets some one off work with a family member.

When we first met, he kept saying he had problems but I couldn’t understand what he meant. He had a job and we got together fairly regularly and talked almost everyday.
He has since lost this job (4 years ago) has bouts of ‘i need my space’ where he won’t talk to me for days/weeks/months, barely speaks when we do talk.

He was in complete denial when I met him, no medication, no therapy. 6 months ago, he started to take meds, but has now stopped them as his supply ran out and he doesn’t want to go back to the doctor. He was on the waiting list for therapy (after 5 years of constant begging for him to talk to someone) and went to two sessions only to miss the next appointment, not call them back and gets moody everytime I bring it up. He accepts no help from me, financial or otherwise and often gets annoyed if I do something for him, like get helpline numbers etc.

I am at the end of my tether, I love him but I can’t live with him like this with no hope of recovery and no will to help himself.

Does anybody have advice from a similar situation? I don’t have much patience left but if he just showed an inclination to help himself it would be a start.

Thank you,

Frustrated, uk

April 6, 2010 at 12:48 am
(13) Steph says:

Hey Frustrated, uk,

I have bipolar depression, and my father also has it. I can honestly say that it’s one of the hardest things to live with. My mother has lived with my father and his crazy moods for 28 years. About 8 years ago my father got so bad that my mother got fed up and put her foot down and said he needed treatment through medication and counselling or she would divorce him. He, of course, didn’t think anything was wrong with him, but gave in eventually and did as she asked.

Let me tell you… modern day medications such as Prozac and Zoloft, mixed with counselling and support, make a WORLD of difference. 90 percent of the problem is getting the person to realize that they have a problem. Mental illness is a relatively new concept and no one wants to admit that they’re depressed or have a mental illness for fear that people will think they’re “crazy”. But explaining to him how much it would mean to you if he got some help, and explaining that depression isn’t a negative thing with the right support, then maybe he will change his mind. But the person must be willing to help themselves.

Even if the relationship doesn’t work out, tell him you’ll still be there to support him as a friend. I know first hand that I hate it when my partner gets fed up and doesn’t want to talk to me or pushes me away. That’s the worst thing you can do to someone who has depression. I always say, people who don’t have depression don’t know what it’s like. So be a friend and be supportive no matter what happens.

Best of luck!

Steph

October 4, 2010 at 8:54 pm
(14) Chris says:

Steph:

It’s really not the case that the biggest hurdle is getting people to realise they’re ill. By far, the biggest issue is getting treatment and support – most people ask, and ask often, but get nothing. It’s an obscene joke. Myself? 3 suicide attempts and approaches to thirty doctors, nurses, medical centres, hospitals and so on and so forth. Not yet been offered one hour in front of a counsellor.

In the US, serious mental illness is usually a one-way ticket to homelessness or imprisonment. In the UK, 90% of people with mental health problems (includng most depressives) get no help from the health system, barring tablets and a meeting with an inexperienced family doctor once every few months. That’s it – come rain, shine, suicide attempts, unemployment, nervous breakdowns, homelessness, hospitalisation, or anything else.

Your dad may not have recognised that he had a problem, but the stats show that the huge majority of people with depression are screaming for help and they just don’t get it. Frankly, depressives seem to be almost the only ones who help themselves out of their mess – implying that they don’t want to try is just ignorant, and a little cruel.

May 24, 2011 at 2:01 pm
(15) Mercedes says:

I you truely believe you can see yourself with this person in the long haul-you must come clean about your mental health situation. Just be honest and take it slow. Educate them about the illness, and if they truely love you they will stick by your side. You’re most definitely not being completely honest with this person because you are afraid of losing them-or maybe even a little worried about them having a different impression of you. Don’t worry though. I’m sure everything will ride smoothely if you two get along really well. Good luck

October 2, 2011 at 7:08 pm
(16) Jennifer says:

I have recently (two months ago) reconnected with someone that I have known since my childhood. We fell in love with eachother instantly…like we both finally found our true love! We live 6 hours away from eachother which wasnt a problem at first. He is going through some tough times right now and seems to be depressed. He is giving up on everything, has really no emotion and doesnt want to talk at all. He just wants to be left alone. I dont know what to do. We really love eachother, I know that…and I dont want to loose him again. I completely understand what he is going through and I am doing my best to respect his wishes. I am just really scared he is never going to come around. I am trying to be patient. I do send him a card once in a while just to remind him I am here. Is there anthing else I can do?

January 13, 2012 at 1:19 pm
(17) Charlie says:

I think you’re doing just about as much as you can.
Just letting someone who’s depressed know that you’ve been thinking about them and care about them, is enough to lift someones spirits for the day.

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