Forum: Dating and Depression
Sunday June 21, 2009
FRUITYMOODY asks: "I met someone and the relationship is blossoming. We have deep intimacy which means we are very open and honest with each other. My question is, why can't I come clean about my hospitalization, being on meds to maintain, etc. I've been feeling it out but just cannot bring myself to tell her. I can't see exactly what scares me...but the word shame comes to mind. This is someone I can see myself with for the long haul. After coming out of a horrible situation which was controlling, codependent and abusive I decided to open myself up for something positive. I so scared that I am going to screw this up by not coming clean about my mental health. Can someone share a similar experience or share their thoughts about this?"
I have met a girl over the internet about three months ago. She has told me from the start that she is taking meds for depression. We have met in person only about two weeks ago. I have now seen her four times since then. Today she has told me how scared she is that either she or me get hurt because of her background. She has opened up to me and told me she feel like only half a person. Not being an expert in the field of depression, I am now getting scared that my lack of knowledge about this situation is going to get us into trouble. Our relationship is not very intimate yet, but I just don’t want to give up so soon yet. Anything anybody can say or add to this?
I would say take it slowly and let her tell you about her problems over time. I think probably being in a relationship could be part of the healing process for her but don’t know enough about her circumstances. All I know is depression can be a painful experience but that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Read a book on the subject to find out more information. ‘Sunbathing in the rain’ by Gwyneth Lewis is excellent. She says she feels like half a person- maybe being in a relationship with you she will find her other half. Good luck.
I am in a serious relationship with a woman who has suffered from depression for years. When we first started dating she was very upfront about her condition: the meds, the hospital stay, the therapy, etc. I was scared at first because I couldn’t relate to her affliction (I’m generally upbeat) and I have younger children at home. Our saving grace has been open communication (even on the “bad days”), prayer and loving support. Sometimes we bump heads and we retreat to our separate corners for a day or two, be we have been able to reconnect and talk about what we are experiencing. I have to remind myself to take care of myself and the children first; I don’t check on my girlfriend when I think she’s missed work or in a nasty funk–I wait for her to talk to me about it when she is ready, but leave the rest of the work for her therapists. On the days her depression is under control I feel more comfortable venting about my crappy day or crying on her shoulder, and she is a strong source of support. This give-and-take approach has worked for us: we recently celebrated our first anniversary and look forward to more!
Be encouraged that at least you have done well enough to get yourself into a positive relationship. This is something I have yet been unable to do. I just want to urge you to not lose your head, stay calm and don’t give in to the temptation to despair if things aren’t always going well.
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Don’t be scared.I told my fiance (who is now my husband) about my panic attacks and my being treated during our engagement and he not only accepted that but also stood beside me helping me to overcome this tough period.Now we are married and have 2 kids and my emotional status is stable since we married because of his loving understanding character. So, my advice to u is: if someone really likes u , he will accept u in any condition. In fact, good relationships do miracles that medicines can’t do !
Take it slowly and tell him/her when you are ready and think it’s appropriate. Don’t rush it. Make sure you’re in a private place where you can talk confidentially. A crowded, noisy restaurant is NOT the place for this conversation. Think “public park on a nice day, sitting on a bench away from others” as a good possibility.
I think that sometimes when we are attracted to someone, we tell them too much too soon. Don’t overwhelm your date right away. If things are working well between you; you will know when the time is right.
You might end up surprised at how accepting your date is about your depression issues. Things have changed. It used to be (I’m 51) that depression was something akin to leprosy in dating. People are more accepting of it now and understand more about it. You might even find that your date is also coping with depression issues. There are more of us out there than you may think. After all, anti-depression medications are some of the most prescribed medications in the country. SOMEONE has to be taking all those meds!
I have met someone and opened up about my mental illnesses and hospitilisation, shocklinging he admitted the same!
I think, personally, honesty is the best bet and you must listen to yourself. Mmaybe a physcologist would have a good point of view on how you can tell her without scaring her off? Good luck!
Hey guys,
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Peace,