Anna's ECT Diary

Part 7: Anna's Feelings Following the First Two Treatments

More of this Feature • Part 1: Introduction • Part 2: Who Is Anna? • Part 3: Anna Writes About the Procedure to Come • Part 4: Anna Responds to a Letter from a Concerned Friend • Part 5: Anna's History with Depression • Part 6: The First Treatment • Part 7: Anna's Feelings Following the First Two Treatments • Part 8: Anna's Feelings After the Completion of Treatment • Part 9: Recent Thoughts of Suicide

ect diary entry #3

15 march 1998

i'm confused. i don't think i want any more ect treatments, at least not for now. the second treatment on thursday wasn't as bad as the one on monday ... the anaesthetist gave me an anti-emetic with the anaesthetic so i wouldn't feel so sick, plus i was less tense so they didn't have to give me so much anaesthetic to knock me out. it still wasn't a barrel of laughs though.

so why do i feel like i'm just being chicken about not wanting my treatment tomorrow.

truth is, i feel amazing. not 100%, that would be too much, too soon, but i feel better than i've felt in ages. definitely better than i've felt in a long long time. yesterday, i was driving home from the stables with my mum, i found myself thinking that 'if this change of mind is going to be permanent, i may have to rethink my position on whether i want to be a parent.' my position up til now has been that i can't make the commitment to try to stay alive, so i can't commit to being a parent. so this is quite a turn-around.

and there's no *waiting list* for ect treatments. if in 4 weeks or 3 months or whenever, i decide i do need more treatments, i can go in, sign a consent form and be back under the anaesthetists needle within the week.

i can understand why they'd ordinarily be keen for a person to whizz through the course of treatments - normally ect is used for patients who are in real and immediate danger of suicide, or who have given up eating and drinking, patients who are normally hospitalised for their depression.

all i know is that i'm feeling fine, really fine, like there's things i want to do, maybe, even, and i know it's really early days, but i keep tensing up and thinking 'i don't want my treatment on monday.' i don't want it.

i need to be reassured by my pdoc that 'dropping out' won't mean i lose my chance for treatment in the future, but i'm sure that's not the case.

ach.

grrrrrrrr.

ohhhh.

snarl.

anna xxx

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