Anna's ECT Diary

Part 8: Anna's Feelings at the Completion of Treatment

More of this Feature • Part 1: Introduction • Part 2: Who Is Anna? • Part 3: Anna Writes About the Procedure to Come • Part 4: Anna Responds to a Letter from a Concerned Friend • Part 5: Anna's History with Depression • Part 6: The First Treatment • Part 7: Anna's Feelings Following the First Two Treatments • Part 8: Anna's Feelings After the Completion of Treatment • Part 9: Recent Thoughts of Suicide

this is pretty unbelievable coming from me, former crown-princess of misery. i guess you could say the ect worked. in the end, i only had to have 3 sessions, which i was pretty fucken pleased about, cuz on treatment days i would be left feeling totally rotten and useless. But it was worth it, cuz i'm feeling better now than i have felt in years, literally since 2.5 years ago, the first time i went on prozac and it worked for me. haven't felt 'well' since, so this is pretty novel. it's a wonderful vindication in a way - i mean, i know it sounds silly, but i'm sure you all know and can relate when i talk about feeling like maybe i wasn't really ill, maybe (this is the killer) i felt worthless cuz i *wuz* worthless, maybe i really wasn't sick but just genuinely a *loser*. but how i feel now is such sharp contrast to that, i feel *so* different, and it's proof that i really was ill, if i ever needed it.

1. good things may happen to me

2. some day i may feel ready to have kids

3. my husband is the most wonderful man in the world

4. i am truly loved

5. every moment is not painful

i don't think everything's going to be easy .... money is still a real worry at the moment. me and brad both need time to heal ourselves. today

i'm bored, and boredom is still an enemy, i can almost make out the shape of the beast out of the corner of my eye, waiting to see if there's a way back in.

wishing i could be stronger sooner - impatient for good times now.

love you all

anna xxx

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