| Anna's ECT Diary | |
ect diary, 2nd entry
10th march 1998, 8.30pm
i made it, i'm still here. it wasn't fun, yesterday.
first of all we got there only just on time, not early, like i normally like to be, nearly late. they were ready for me straight away. i gave brad a big hug and a kiss and he went off to the coffee shop to wait for me.
they weighed me, and the anaesthetist asked me a few questions like do i have any allergies, then they were asking me to 'hop up on the bed', and the nurse was looking after my wedding ring for me, and taking off my glasses saying she'd look after those too. i started crying. i had my eyes shut. people were holding my hands, saying things to me ... 'going to feel a little prick on your hand now anna,' ... 'just going to slip this on your face to give you some oxygen', ... 'you're doing fine anna, just slow down your breathing now'. and then the world did a massive tilt and went black.
the next thing i knew i was being walked into the recovery room, asking if it's over, leaning on george, the nurse. my head was thumping, and as soon as i came round i couldn't stop crying. i react to anaesthetics that way. and i kept trying to get up and find brad, but i couldn't stand up yet, with the anaesthetic and the muscle relaxant still flowing round me. i was given a cup of tea, and george the nurse checked that i knew who i was, where i was, what i was doing there, who he was etc.
another guy came into the recovery room after me. he wasn't crying. He was old, an in-patient i think, as was the lady who came out after him, but she was crying as hard as me.
then i was allowed to leave the recovery room and george took me into the waiting area where brad was. i was feeling sick and wobbly, and still had a really nasty headache, so george got me some painkillers, and me and brad sat down together to wait until i was strong enough to leave.
i felt sick on the way home in the car. i've got myself some of those sea-bands, accupressure bands, cuz on the packet they say 'for travel sickness, morning sickness, and other types of nausea, for example associated with anaesthesia or chemotherapy.'
and when we got home i slept. and slept and slept and slept and slept.
and today i've woken up with a cold, but a very strange feeling as well. i'm determined to be pessimistic about this (i've been bitten, and am shy, of so-called miracle cures), but i do feel different. Considering what i went through yesterday i feel incredibly perky, but more than that - i feel, yes, like just maybe my brain chemistry has shifted a bit.
it's a very odd feeling - like something is missing. then when i ask myself what's missing, the only thing is that dark and awful sense of helplessness and hopelessness which has become my constant ally. today i spent a whole day where this feeling was remarkable by it's absence.
god i hope this works.
anna xxx
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