During his years of uncontrolled manic depression, he alternated between such diverse careers as stripper/male escort, art dealer, movie producer and public relations agent while jetting all over the world at a moment's notice, and keeping large amounts of cash hidden in his freezer (his "frozen assets"). Cocaine, sex and spending were all thrills meant to keep the high going a little longer. Anything to preserve the illusion that he lead an invincible and charmed life and stave off the depression that inevitably follows mania. On the surface he seemed to be living every man's fantasy. Finally, his world came crashing to a halt when he was convicted of art forgery and served a sentence under house arrest.
While confined in his apartment under house arrest, Andy also had to deal with the prison created by his own mind, describing himself as a "butterfly trapped beneath a glass dome". Without his usual outlets for his mania, he became obsessed with masturbation and porn and cleaned his apartment obsessively. Fantasies of suicide haunted him as he went from one medication to the next, seeking the right balance of relief from symptoms without the disabling side-effects. At points he found his grasp of reality slipping as he becomes psychotic and urinated on the floor explaining that "it's the thing to do" or hallucinating that numbers had deeper meanings, correlated with his mood. At last the point came when he had been on trials of twenty-five different medications-- various mood stabilizers, antidepressants, antipsychotics, sedatives and sleeping pills--without lasting results. His psychiatrist declared that it was now a critical point. It was time to try the last resort option of ECT.
Although ECT quieted the demons in his mind, it was far from an instant cure. There were side-effects to cope with such as memory loss and fatigue. There were also slips back into the world of substance abuse, sex and mania along the way. But, it was the beginning of the rocky road to healing as well.
Andy tells his story with brutal honesty and ultimately a message of hope. He explains to us that manic depressive illness can make you a shining star, but it can also burn so hot that it consumes you. He gives us an insider's view of the incredible dichotomy that can exist within the person afflicted with this illness, where an intelligent, loving person can also have a secret, darker life. He also shows us what it's like to search in vain for a cure and at last reach a compromise between one evil (treatment side-effects) and a greater one (the self-destructive effects of mental illness).
If you are seeking to understand the complexities of the bipolar experience, you must read this book. It's unlike anything else out there.
