Living with a Depressed Spouse

What are his symptoms? Is he irritated with you? Does he threaten to leave?

I suffered a severe clinical depression also about 13 years ago and when I returned to work I felt the full force of that stigma. The number of classes I taught was cut down, the projects I had worked on and the program I had coordinated were taken away from me. It didn’t matter what I had done before (for 13 years) or that I had recovered and was the same person I had always been. People also avoided me as if the whole thing were contagious. I was open about it; I believed and still believe that the people who are our friends will love us and realize that some of who we are TO THEM includes this possibility. There was a wonderful book that helped me, Touched With Fire by Kay Redfield Jamison. She has written well on this subject in other books, also.

Good luck.

I understand how you feel…completely! I came onto this site to look for help. How do we help our once loving husbands when everything around them seems so sad? Do we protect them from everyday stresses and bear them alone or do we share the problems? What do we say to the kids when they ask what is wrong with dad? Do we go ahead to plan family gatherings at the holidays even tho we know he may stay in bed the whole time? Im at a loss…

My wife was recently diagnosed with mild depression, which we’ve been dealing with several years. I am an upbeat person, and her condition is not severe, but I feel it’s taken its toll on me and I don’t want it to adversely affect our young child’d emotional health. I understand a key detail for me is taking care of myself.

My wife has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. She has been like this off and on since we have been married, but things have gotten worse. I have tried to be supportive, upbeat, etc. for many years, but it is taking its toll. It is hard for us to have a “fun” conversation anymore, because she seems to always bring it back to something bad in her life. I respond by trying to offer something cheerful or hopeful, but the game just keeps on. Today, she is at work and I am actually glad that she is gone. I know I should want to be around her, but in all honesty, I need a break from her negative thinking.

My husband has now had aproximately 15 different medication “cocktails”. None of them help for any length of time. He has recently been diagnosed with TRD – Treatment Resisent Depression. Has anyone heard of any luck with the new magnetic treatments? I am also looking for a support group. There is nothing locally for spouces of depressives – only bipolar.

I AM the depressed spouse. My husband just left me because of it. I’m as helpless as he is. Even with therapy and medication it has taken its toll on him. It’s like a venom. If you can’t stand it, go to a counselor and leave the marriage in a healthy way. Don’t blame anyone. Noone is doing it on purpose. It just IS.

I’m interested if Renee thought there was anything more the two of them could have done. I am living with a depressed wife (it’s been off and on during our 20+year marriage). I no longer know what to do. At best she is angry with me quite a bit, saying that many of the things I do make her unhappy. I try to change (and have changed many things), but it makes no difference. Currently she is back in a serious depression, and I am left protecting the kids and mostly trying to stay out of her way. I really don’t want our marriage to end, but I am pretty much out of ideas and energy to make anything better.

My husband was diagnosed with depression/anxity disorder & attempted suicide 5 years ago. Things have been very good for the past 5 years. He recently told me that he can’t get the anger thoughts out of his head toward me for not “being there” for him through his depressed time. (I never left, but did go into survival mode of coping raising my children and taking care of my business and house.) He feels I was mean to him during that time. I can’t get him to understand my point of view of how difficult that time was for me. He is considering leaving me.

i am living with a depressed wife. i am still in my late 20s and i tried and still am trying to support her as much as i can. i suffered so much, and sometimes i feel so frustrating and hopeless, so i am wondering if there are any depressed people who really recovered from this disease. i need an example to make me strong.

My husband is diabetic and is having a major depressive episode. We now have learned that he may have chronic depression,he often was angery and irritable. Now he won’t even get out of bed except to eat afew bites. It is driving me up a wall. I have been supportive and encouraging but it is really starting to drag me down also. Even our yougest child(17) is starting to wonder if Daddy will ever get better.
How do we stay strong?

My husband has been diagnoised with Major Depression/paranoa disorder. He has suffered I believe with depression for years but things have exploded this past year. He sucks the life out of everyone he touches. Sometimes I am so angry and resentful about it and other times I am full of compassion. I am so confused and concerned about the welfare of our three young children. I am starting to believe I can’t help him fight depression forever if he does’nt respond to treatment. I don’t know how I will make it.

my husband is very depressed and strongly despises therapists / outside treatment. He says i’m not supportive enough and have not listened to what he needs, and so now he is in this state. i know that i am not responcible for his state. i want to support him through this, but am starting to think that maybe it is better this has surfaced before we would have had kids and a house. he is unable to concentrate and therefore i have to do everything myself and/or check what he does (so the bike doesn’t fall off the car bike rack, etc). i don’t know what to do. lately he says he wants a divorce one minute and 5 mins later he didn’t mean it. although i try to remember he is not talking from his real self, but from being unwell, my trust is withering and my frustration is growing. is it normal for those of you who have depressed spouses to feel like you have caused it (b/c maybe they say so) or that you are not good for them (and so maybe you are a bad person), or that you are not supportive enough (b/c no matter how much you can think you are supporting them, they will somehow percieve you as not supporting them), ????????? i am trying to not get caught up in emotions, but to try and see clearly what is going on.

My husband and i have lasted through a two year long distance relationship and now we are together in the same house and things have gotten pretty bad. He is depressed i think because he has no job or any friends that are near him. He is new to america, he moved here to be with me, but he is so unhappy here and he even told me it was my fault. I think we both know the best thing is for him to be here but I feel ignored as a wife and I really don’t know what to do.

Dear People with depression and/or depressed spouses,
You all sound very courageous and insightful, and my heart is with you. I am also trying to live with a depressed spouse, and it is so hard! Every minute you maintain your compassionate attitude is really a miracle.
Maybe it will help to know that people do recover from depression. I had depression myself in my teens and twenties, but now in my forties, I have been a cheerful, optimistic person for twenty years, thank God. I say this because, although depression is not within our control, there are still things we can do, in addition to maintaining a healthy lifestyle (eating well, exercising, etc.) My recovery involved a gradual shift in my perception, from negativity to being open to the possibility that life might be okay. In my case, I was greatly affected by my environment–the people, books, movies, music, etc. with which I surrounded myself. Choose carefully the food for the mind. This doesn’t mean avoiding real life with the silly or “pollyanna.” There are plenty of true uplifting and inspiring stories, people, art, and music!
And then, if possible, choose carefully the thoughts themselves. Ask yourself (and/or your spouse), is this thought helpful? Is it the whole truth, or might there be another way to look at things? In whatever is your way, ask God for help to improve the quality of your thoughts.
I am sorry to read about your suffering, which I do feel along with you, but I am also greatly moved by your courage and strength. Best wishes to you that things will work out.

I too am struggling at times living with my husband who has clinical despression.

Long story short I think at last I have accepted there is no easy fix. I live more as though he is a friend and respond with the expectation I would have of a good friendship rather than my expectation of a spouse. This seems to help me not seep into resentment.

I stay an individual within the relationship and this keeps me strong and helps me not break the boundaries of over compensating for his moods. I continue to socialise (often on my own) and get involved in interests outside of our marriage. This seems to give me a break and new energy to come back and be a good friend again and again.

i still wish there was a miracle cure at times as I long for the uplift and encouragement that I used to get from my spouse. I seek these things from friends and family instead.

Do you think it is harder for a woman living with a despressed man? I sometimes think our inbuilt desire to be cared for, protected and loved makes is harder for a woman to have to be the strong one all the time. I’m interested in others views on this.

I guess my long term fear is that another man will come along and make me feel these things again and it would be tempting to respond.

It’s been over a year now for me. My husband suffered his second relapse about 3 months ago. If I could give up hope of ever being cared for, I would be alot better off. The up and down trend of his peronality and health are simply torture. This should be the best time of our lives, and I feel like it is over. I probably should leave him for both our sakes, but like everything else, I will have to arrange everything. I am a happy person by nature and I keep fooling myself into hope for a brighter future, but does anyone really think there might be one. I thought he was better, but since the relapse I wonder if that is possible.

I am in my late 20’s living with a husband depressed for the 3rd time in a year. Is there anyone who can relate to my situation? Is there anyone who is told each time the depression hits that he no longer knows if he loves you or wants to be with you? That he believes something is wrong and it must have to do with the marriage? I try and convince myself it is not truly him talking, but it gets harder every time.

I think my husband is depressed. He seems fine one minute then he gets really angry. He says horrible things to me and tells me he has nothing to be happy about. He is only 22 years old. He has had a lot of things happen to his family recently and I think that is what started it. I want to make him feel better, but there is nothing I can do or say to calm him down. He shows more anger than sadness, but I believe he truly is sad. He has talked about suicide and it really scares me. He refuses to go to a doctor or get help. I don’t know what to do. I saw mostly comments and questions on this page and very few answers. Hopefully someone out there can give me some advice. Please help!

Anybody else have a depressed spouse who self medicates with alcohol?

For Amy
My husband began to self-medicate. I was only suspicious at first and thought I might just be imagining it, until one day I caught him red-handed sneaking spirits and drinking it straight from the bottle. Turned out this was good as we could at last talk about it. Both parties need to want to work it out. We started by getting rid of all alcohol in the house and then agreed on having just six small bottles of beer for drinking over the weekend each week so that there was a measured amount only available. It meant he had to face the fact that he had a problem and then eventually went for some counselling for depression. This meant we could address the real problem. I don’t have any ideal answers, but keep talking about it with your husband. I know if I hadn’t been able to confront this symptomatic problem, the self-medication would have become the problem. Anti-depressants are safer than alcoholism.

For Teresa
I think anger is very symptomatic of depression, far more so than the steriotypical picture of sadness. My husband gets very snappy and often with little real justification. I used to think I was over reacting but now my teenage daughters notice this trait also. Tell your husband you need him to go to the doctor to stop you worrying, hopefully this will appear to make the problem yours not his, and go with him. Then you will have the opportunity to voice your concerns with someone to advise you both. Hope this is helpful. Good luck.

my husband has suffered depression for over 20 years, (we have been married 27) the past 3 years have been hell, especially the last couple of months, he has spoken about suicide, this morning he has walked out of the house, without me knowing, I have no idea if he is coming back! I have supported him throughout all of this with very little help from anyone. (no-one else knows apart from his doctor)its like treading on egg shells all the time, and what DO you say to the children? Life is put on hold, always afraid to plan anything ‘just in case’, medications have never worked, we know that healthy eating and exercise work for him, but when he’s feeling down, its the last thing he wants to do! I’ve never considered leaving because, hey I love the guy, but how do I cope?

Reading these comments have helped. My husband has cancer, is in remission, and becomes very anxious and depressed prior to each 3 month checkup. He does not want to hear from me that he is depresed and will not take medication. This past week has been a nightmare because of his constant criticism and angry outbursts. Today, I went to the doctor who prescribed anti-anxiety medication for me; and I feel calmer already.

My husband suffers from depression as well. It is effecting our relationship. With all the mediations he is on he sleeps a lot, no compassion or sexual activity at all. I try to reach out but he rejects me all the time. When I try to talk to him he thinks and I am nagging him and gets very angry with me. He now has to take another pill when he fells this anger coming on because he scares me. He has come after me to hit me but as never did it. He swears and as bad gesters at me when he gets angry. We have been married for 34 years. I don’t know if I can go another year with him. I love him very much but I dislike the person he has turned out to be. Any advise. Thanks for the reponse.

My husband and I are very young in our marriage-3 years to be exact. He always treated me like a princess and loved that I was independent and fun to be around, and enjoyed my conversation. Well, now he is quick to shut me up, thinks I am annoying, quick to be angry, and thinks I don’t have anything to say of importance. BUT, on other days he thinks the world of me, enjoys my company, and cannot stop talking to me. So, I deal with the depression and anxiety by being independent, not depending on my spouse for emotional comfort-because he can’t even handle his own emotions. Believe me, I cry my tears and get sad that my husband is not who I married, but I know he is hiding in there somewhere. The key to living life-just live it as if you were single, and enjoy the times your spouse wants to be a couple and can share love.

My wife suffers depression and it has been hard on our marriage as well as our young (7 and 9) boys. She says she wants a more compassionate husband but when I attempt to spend time with her it always ends in the kitchen sink coming my way. It is extremely difficult to be supportive when I tend to be the target of the anger part of her depression. It is almost impossible to be supportive when that anger is directed at the children. I have found that short little episodes of closeness and tenderness work to bring her out of her deepest funks. Anything longer than 15 minutes and I become the target of the problem de jour.

It is hard when nothing you do seems to be good enough.

I am amazed at the number of us supporting our partners through their depression. I thought I was alone. I recently found out my sister went through the same thing, and with the help of friends, medication, and counseilng, has “found” the man she married again. I have hope that there is help.
My husband meets with a doctor next week to hopefully get started on medication. I am worried.
I have spent the last 20 years running the house, accomodating his negativety, constantly walking on eggshells, and coming up with excuses to friends and family as to why I won’t bring a child into this relationship. I don’t know from minute to minute if I’m with my happy, smart, supportive spouse, or the one consumed by depression.
I wish I would have left early in the relationship. If I knew then what I do now, I would have left. If you are in a new relationship, consider leaving. The burden is too large, and it isn’t right to have to give up your future. Now I’ve invested and given up too much to walk away. I truly do love him, even when the depression says he doesn’t love me. The best source of support has come from the readers digest webpage “Coping with a depressed spouse.”

I am finally realizing that my husband has had a problem with depression throughout most of our 24 year marriage. I am also learning about my own codependency, and I understand that my codependency is probably the reason I did not realize/look seriously at my husband’s condition earlier. My problem is that my husband “doesn’t believe” in psychology and “hates” doctors. Therefore, he refuses to get any help. I understand this may be part of the illness, but that doesn’t help me any. I am also at the point of leaving the marriage. His depression has taken it’s tole on me and our children.

I am sorry this is so long but I have a lot of things I need to get out, so here goes.My husband and I have been married for 6 yrs. now, and he has been depressed more or less the entire time. We are not a couple of kids, I am 40 and he is 54. We only new each other for 5 months when we got married(he was in a big hurry and now I know why). That was by far the stupidest thing Ive ever done. If I could go back I would not walk, I would not run, I would fly like a bat out of hell to the nearest exit! Now you might think thats cold of me and to tell you the truth just typing those words makes me feel cold hearted and guilty. But make no mistake I do love him, just no longer in a romantic sense, its what you call a willful love, a committed love. When you have to take care of someone who at times is down right child-like, the romance goes right out the window. He can barely manage to go to work much less take care of anything around the house(grass cutting,home maintenance etc.) I have to take care of all of that and him, which includes making sure he keeps his doctors appointments, making sure he takes his medicine, making sure he takes a bath etc. You get my point. I am growing increasingly weary and when he is not at work all he wants to do is lay on the couch and escape into the television or sleep. No going out, nothing! We have been to doctors and tried many different medications and none of them have worked for very long. I had recently begun to think that maybe he was treatment resistant but my gut instinct says no! You see medication is only part of the treatment the patient has to want to get better, they have to try. Apparently my husband does not.Come to find out he’s been depressed his whole life and he seems to want to stay that way. He seems to like it! The depression is like a big warm fuzzy blanket that he just wraps himself up in. Depression is what he knows, its what he does, and he does it better than anything else. If you think that depression does not work that way, think again. Now, I have made a commitment to him and to leave would not be the answer, not for him and even more so not for me. The challenge I now face is to take care of me. To learn to be happy even when he is not. To try and learn not to feel guilty for taking time out for myself. And to learn to enjoy doing things by myself which isn’t easy. After all thats why people get married, to have someone in this world to share there life with. Unfortunately for me and so many others out there, this is a very lonely world.

My boyfriend of 5 years is depressed and drinking all the time. We don’t live together, which is something he wanted to happen quickly. It was my choice to wait b/c of the children involved. I’m so weary of his rages, all nighter drinking binges, sleeping all day, staying in his cave (bedroom) with stupid tv and now, since I’ve broken up with him for the 5th time–frustrated all the time–medicine isn’t working–his new addiction to porn. I haven’t talked to his family, they believe I’m the crazy lady. And indeed, I have gone over the edge in shear pain not realizing what I was dealing with and reacting. I know I should run, but I love this man with every fiber of my being. What should I do?

I am in the same boat. Every morning I wake up and wait to hear his “hello” so I know what kind of day it’s going to be. I can tell before he can that he’s headed down the depression path with what begin as subtle changes in his personality, even his appearance. The worst part is when he’s teetering. When he’s really, really bad, he just sleeps. But, when he’s in between, he picks at every word I say. Then I’ll let my guard down, say something that doesn’t seem like a big deal, and he’ll start the fight of fights. A cold war where we may not speak for days cause he just wants to hash and rehash and pick at everything I do. So, I choose to not engage and just go silent. I would never leave because he is awesome to the kids and awesome when he’s not “there”. And I could never picture custody issues and picking my kids up from someone else’s house. I stay hopeful. We’ve had mild success with homeopathic treatments after all the anti d’s have stopped working. It is a small relief to hear others have similar experiences. I crave the understanding of someone else. It can be very lonely. And yes, I have become a whiz at making up excuses. I live my own life much of the time…me and my kids. I’m so sad.

My wife has been depressed, on and off (mostly on) for 20 years. We’ve been married for 30 and I still remember the sweet and happy girl she was. That memory is part of the torture I now live through. She has sought treatment, but only the kind you can find in a bottle. Healthy eating, exercise, anything that requires doing something that she doesn’t want to do is not even considered. I’m a long way from perfect, but she assuiduously recalls my every shortcoming, even from the early days of our marriage, while the many efforts I have made to make her feel loved and wanted are completely forgotten (I mean literally). One of the tough parts for me is that I still have sexual desires, while she has absolutely none. Any attempt to even talk about this issue ends in disaster. There are treatments available, and I think the thing that kills me is not that she doesn’t want me, but that she doesn’t want to want me. Maybe it’s just a guy thing, but this is a real blow to my self respect and I think I’m starting down that same path toward depression. Anyone out there found a way to deal with this issue?

Paul,
I understand your point of view as I do your Wives point of view as I have been on both sides of the depression issue. Whe I was going through depression I did not want to accept that things in my life were the way that they were supposed to be. That the people that were in my life actually loved me. I tried medication through a DR. which put me in the hospital and nearly killed me. What in the end brought me out of it was a slow gradual change in my way of thinking. I had to silence the voice in my head that said there were problems that I was not in control of. My Spouse, who I Love dearly, was treated horribly during this time. Anything that I could say that would hurt her I did. I did not repond to her in a husbandly fassion. It was not that I did not want to it was more that I couldn’t. But in the end it was her sticking by my side for almost two years that helped to silence the voices and bring me back.
From your perspective, I am currently going through this same thing with my wife. the long hard road I went down took its toll on her spiralling her into the same place that I was. Fortunatly having been through all this already I know what it is that she is going through. Men and women respond to depression in different ways. One of them is sexually. When I was depressed I wanted sex all the time, and now that she is depressed she does not want it at all. Im sorry to tell you that even though you might consider it a blow to your manhood, its not meant like that. Not wanting to go through this particular stage myself I started a card game with my wife. I did this to start to change her way of thinking about things. I went and bought a set of 3×5 notecards and wrote simple little things that either on of us can do for the other. I kept them nonsexual, things such as just sitting and holding the others hand to a massage. The important thing is physical contact in a nonthreatening manner. We each draw at random 1 card a day and do the action recoded on the card we draw. This very simple thing can do so much in your personal physical relationship as well as your emotional bond and hers. Just being touched by a massage or holding hands or a hugg can have dramatic effects on her emotional state if she feels it is not for a prelude to sex. It wont be a change overnight and it may take a while to accomplish. But with God’s support and your will to not quit, it will make a difference, one way or another.

Scott,

Thanks for the thoughtful reply. It’s nice to hear from someone who has seen it from both sides. I won’t give up.

This has been a great discussion. The road to recovery for the depressed person is one that is so very difficult and isolating. Having your spouse alongside you in an unconditionally supportive manner is extremely beneficial. The problem arises when the spouse of the depressed gets worn down by being the rescuer, the caretaker, the healthy one…this is one problem to watch if you are in this position. Take care of yourself, seek individual therapy, reach out to your family and close friends, don’t keep it too much of a terrible secret, be kind to yourself and be optimistic. Commitment and perseverence – you can do it! I’ve been there, we’ve gone through the very worst of depression but go through our own challenges daily. As the spouse of a (once) severely depressed, I can only say to hold on – it can get better if you seek proper support.

MTD
http://www.married-to-depression.blogspot.com

It has now been over a month since my spouse has been on medication, and it has been a God send. I’m still fearful that it won’t last, but after several weeks of not walking on eggshells, I’m beginning to find joy in our relationship. Its a moment of needed rest.

To the person who commented that your partner is turning toward drinking and pornography, and continuing to be critical, emotionally abuseive, and voicing the same concern again and again – this is all part of “the depression.” These are common often unvoiced, symptoms of an illness that needs medical and psychological attention.

Please also visit: depressionfallout.com for a more interactive message board, and read Anne Sheffeild’s book “How to Survive When They’re Depressed.” There are many suggestions on how to help your partner seek medical assistance, even when they are resistent. And better yet, support for yourself!

I noticed something as I read through the comments here. The women with depressed husbands are asking how they can help. They are looking for ways “in” to help. The “husbands” are looking to “take care of myself” as “key” and “I’m actually glad she is at work”. Looking for ways “out”. Very selfish people these “husbands”. I am a husband who has been severly depressed most of my live without treatment. (42 years old.). My wife is very supportive and always tries to help. I try very hard not to burden her with it. But, if she was the one depressed….I would never “be glad” she is away. These men will soon be divorced I am sure. You are far too selfish to be a husband. You’re not a giver…you are a taker. Maybe that is why she is depressed.

To Amy,
I got what you were asking and I am that person. My kids are my passion and I love the days that my husband goes to work so that I don’t have to feel his negativity and irritability. I want alcohol around 5:00 pm when I know he is coming home. I find myself becoming more depressed and alcohol helps me deal with how I feel around my depressed husband. I am so glad to hear someone else say that.

I am sitting here crying my eyes out as I read about my life in others comments. I sought help for my depression and anxiety several years ago and have responded great to medication and counseling. During my journey, it has become strongly evident that my husband is depressed as well. He very recently went to his first counseling appt, but since he is a long haul truck driver it makes everything 10 x harder. As of now, it has been 6 days since he called or returned by calls. He went 10 days back in November I feel so sick and just don;t know what to do. I have different emotions moment to moment. Like another poster, I have considered leaving too many times to count, but at the end of the day I just can’t do it. I can’t imagine putting our daughter (7) through that, and am so worried that I would regret it. I just feel really, really lonely, and have no idea what it would feel like to be taken care of by him. I always tell him its a good thing I’m not needy.

I, too, am coping with my own mild depression but my husband’s depression has taken over our household. I realize he’s sick but its getting to a breaking point for me.

Two weeks ago, his rage boiled over again and he pinned me to a wall with his hands around my throat. This isn’t the first time this has happened. I’ve dealt with it a few times in the past. The only difference was that our brand new baby (our first) was in the bassinet and he pushed me into it. The baby was fine but the potential was there to hurt the baby.

I told him either he gets put on medication or I’m taking our son and leaving him for good. He went on the medication and now two weeks later its going right back to how it was.

I know many of you are probably screaming, “leave him!” but you don’t know the half of it. He and I were together 3+ years before we married and now together for 8 total. I didn’t know until it was too late that he was mentally abused and neglected by his family until recently. Add into that a failed attempt at the military (and someone teaching him how to be violent) and the nightmare exploded. He never laid a hand on me until they taught him how to be violent.

I’m at a breaking point. I’m miserable in our marriage. We don’t have the loving relationship we did in the beginning (or the few times I cling to since then), he isn’t strong and doesnt take care of me ever. When he’s upset, I am supportive. When I’m upset, I’m “dumping” on him.

I realize he’s depressed but I don’t have a chance to live my life either. I guess if I have to be honest, I don’t leave because I do love him but also because I’m afraid to be alone. I guess like most battered wives, we’re better off being hit than alone. I know it isn’t him though – its what he’s become and its the depression/anxiety/anger towards his family that he’s taking out on me. Luckily, since the medication, he hasn’t done that. He knows if it happens again, I’ll leave. I just hope I don’t have to. I’m so afraid of the custody battle (his parents have a ton of money and we don’t) and I can’t lose my son. That’s another reason I don’t just up and leave.

Depression hurts – in so many ways. Women: please don’t try to change him or help him. Find a guy who’s already the way you want him (or with faults you can easily accept). It just isn’t worth being tied into something you can’t easily sever. It just isn’t worth it.

I am dealing with my wife who is severely depressed and resisting treatment, instead insisting that her current state is “all my fault”.

I feel so helpless watching her spiral out of control, taking our marriage with it. She threatens divorce daily and seems to be moving in that direction.

I love her dearly, and can remember so vividly what kind of person she really is. I miss her.

I am unable to find a “live” support group for people living with spouses suffering from depression. I have been living with this for more than 20 years. My friends, and our friends, have been alienated by contact with my husband. People are judgmental and intolerant of couples who aren’t “pleasant” or “happy.” Even those who are compassionate have a difficult time with it. My energy is sapped. I need a group of people I can share with, who won’t judge me and who have a common experience. I have searched the web and not found anything. I go to counseling to deal with the situation and it helps. But I sure would like a group.

I am living in a world where I can not treat my depression. I have no insurance because my husband lost his job and he says that I can’t be depressed because when there is hope there is no reason for it. I have an anger problem, a depression problem, an anxiety problem, an OCD and bipolar problem – but my spouse is so anti-meds that I couldn’t get his support if I tried. He is a good, positive husband – but I am stuck living in a virtual prison while my life passes me by. My mom has a lot of mental illness – so there is definitely a chance I do as well.

I have been living with my favorite girl for almost a year now. We have been together for almost three years. She is only 25 and dealing with depression. She takes medication, which seems to help her feel a bit better, however her sex drive has disappeared, and she can’t get through a day without sleeping for 2 or 3 hours. I also endure a negative rant on a daily basis about how she hates people…how everyone makes their problems her problems, blah, blah, blah. Same thing everyday. It’s hard to listen to. Recently her Doctor changed her medication to try and help her sex drive, and she hasn’t left the house for three days. She phones me every hour crying. I’m getting worried about her job, as I can’t remember the last time she put in a full five day work week.

This is one of the sweetest, most beautiful girls you have ever seen…I love her so much. I try to coax her into more positive thoughts, and more physical activity (as I have read this helps). She just gets mad and says she can’t…and accuses me of not knowing what she is going through and how hard her life is. Then she goes to sleep while I make dinner or take the dog for a walk. (things we should be doing together) From my point of view, she has it pretty good (great job, beautiful house, amazing new puppy who loves her, I cook her meals every night while she naps after work, and pack her lunch every morning while she gets ready to go, her parents are doing great, and me…who loves her and hugs her all that I can, and treat her like a princess…she still can’t see the positive. “her life is sooo hard”…I don’t get it. I have never before in my life actually loved someone like this and wanted to make them happy. It’s so hard because it hust doesn’t get better. We are not married, but she has been picking out rings. I want to marry her (the sweet part of her), but it seems like a bad idea to sign up for a lifetime of this.

Looking for answers.

Susie…….RRRRRUUUUUNNNNNN!!!!!!

Dawn, Wal mart sells a generic brand of prozac at the pharmacy. Only 4 dollars. A doctor can decribe it for you. We don’t have much money either. We really couldn’t afford a visit one time for my husband to be treated and we set our pride aside and told them we had no money for a visit. The doctor was so nice that he treated my husband for free. So if you really can’t afford even one visit just aske around and be honest with them. Having someone say no is better than trying to live in depression. good luck

To Those Who Love Your Depressed Spouse:
Hope this isn’t too long. I have many mixed emotions on this topic. Susie, I’m sorry for telling you to run. Just a spur of the moment thing. I know how much love can hold you to a person, but I also know how a depressed spouse can bring you down.

I have to say, I’m so glad I checked out this website. I was beginning to think I was all alone in this world of marriage and depression.

On to my story….
My husband is the greatest man alive. I love him deeply. Same school. Same church. Same personality. We were always the life of the party. Especially him! We didn’t really date, was just good friends. We dated 6 months and he proposed…we were married 6 months after that. during our dating He was so loving and couldn’t keep his hands off me. (we abstained till marriage) Seems like a few months after we were married he changed. we’ve been married alomst three years now. We have a 1 and 1/2 old baby. I Have many mixed emotions. I have been through his anger and laziness and tears. He won’t take his medicine. He had thrown stuff at me, lied, verbally cheated and drives off all the time, but NEVER has he stayed mad at me. He always comes and apologizes. For that, I stay and love him unconditionally. I do worry about our marriage and our child.
My husband doesn’t hate me of our child….he hates himself. Hates himself for putting me through all this, for being angry, for throwing tantrums and being lazy(he’s out of the laziness now. He really HATES himself. How do you help someone forgive and love themselves? It is said if you commit suicide that you automatically go to hell. He thinks he deserves hell for all the hell that he’s put me through.
It’s very sad and I don’t know what to say anymore to help him through it. The other night I found him curled up in a fetal position in the corner of the bedroom. Not crying. Just no feelin. We don’t have many friends. No one we can talk to. We’ve always talked to each other. Now we don’t know what to do.
I would never leave him cause he would for sure kill himself…i couldn’t live with that. I think the best advice i’ve heard is what someone said on here about being their friend…not expect them to be lovey or sexy all the time…My husband hasn’t touched me in over a month. And yet, I love him. I miss the man i married and would do anything to get that man back, but sometimes i don’t want to wait 10 or 15 years for it to happen.
We’re reading a book called “the ladder out of depression” Don’t remember authors name.

I need help to cope and to show my husband how to love himselg the way i love him.
any advice is appreciated

I’ve been with a depressed spouse for 20+ years, and it DOES NOT ever get better, especially if meds get involved. She used to be mildly depressed, and started on zoloft 15 yrs or so ago, and now is on her umpteenth different antidepressant, and has developed a Xanax habit (REAL FUN)..she’ll be fine for a week or 2 and then it all comes back to everything being my fault….everything sucks…nobody cares…blah blah blah…
I have endured this endless nightmare for my daughter’s sake, and now that she is 15, I am counting the years down, waiting for her to be in college or on her own, and when it feels right and OK, I’m leaving. To those who might say that’s selfish…YES IT IS! We only get one shot at life, my clock is ticking, and I have been in spouse induced sadness hell for years now, and am now myself getting very depressed…I want out, and I want my life back! Stay in it to support and protect your kids, but otherwise…GET OUT…it’s a chronic disease, it does not get better, and it WILL eventually wear down even the most resillient, upbeat person…which I once was! It’s nice to think you can save someone, but it’s a suicide mission. I do, and have loved my wife with all my heart, but I’m in love with the memory of who she was, or can briefly be, but despise who she’s become…I don’t want to spend my last 20 years on earth reasoning with the unreasonable, consoling the inconsolable, I’m tired of being fooled by the 1 or 2 month “normal” phase just to slide into 6 or 8 months of sheer mind numbing hell…I’m just too drained and I know when I’ve been defeated by something way bigger than I can handle anymore. For better or worse, in sickness and in health…I know I uttered those words, and I am ashamed I can’t live up to them, but as I said..I admit defeat. Good luck to you all out there.

WHAT A BUNCH OF COMMENTS…I SEEM TO RELATE TO ALL OF THIS IN SOME SMALL WAY OR ANOTHER. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A POSSITIVE PERSON, ONE WHO IS ABLE TO FIND GOOD, OR JOY, OR SOME KIND OF HAPPINESS IN ANY SITUATION, YET MY WIFE OF FIVE YEARS SEEMS TO BE THE POLAR OPPOSITE. WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR FIVE YEARS. UNTIL ME, SHE HAS NEVER HAD A MAN IN HER LIFE THAT HAS LOVED HER. SHE HAS BEEN ABUSED IN SOME WAY BY HER FATHER, BROTHER, & HER FIRST HUSBAND. I DON’T IN ANYWAY WANT TO SAY I’M A VICTIM, BECAUSE I DON’T FEEL LIKE ONE, BUT FOR THOSE OF YOU OUT THERE THAT SUFFER FROM DEPRESSION IN OR AROUND YOUR LIFE, I THINK @ TIMES, THE HARDEST PART FOR ME IS THAT MY JOY THAT CAN BE CONTAGIOUS @ MY WORK, CHURCH OR OTHER SITUATIONS JUST SEEMS TO RUB MY WIFE THE WRONG WAY…IT SEEMS TO JUST PISS HER OFF. I TRY VERY HARD TO ENCOURAGE HER, BUILD HER UP WITH LOVING COMMENTS, IN SO MANY WORDS, “CHEER HER ON” IN HER BATTLE AGAINST DEPRESSION. I HAVE JUST STARTED TO DO EXTENSIVE RESEARCH ON THE SUBJECT OF DEPRESSION. I BELIEVE IN MY WIFE, I BELIEVE IN HER DESIRE TO GET WELL, I DON’T TAKE HER DEPRESSION PERSONALLY & MOST OF ALL I LOVE, ADORE & CARE FOR HER DEEPLY. FOR ALL OF YOU SUFFERING WITH DEPRESSED SPOUSES…KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK, THOSE PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE THAT TELL YOU TO RUN, HAVE PROBABLY RAN FROM EVERYTHING IN THEIR LIFE THAT HAS EVER BEEN DIFFICULT OR ARE RUNNING FROM SOMETHING AS YOU READ THIS LETTER & TO THOSE WHO ARE BATTLING WITH DEPRESSION…”THERE IS HOPE”…”YOU CAN BE HAPPY!!!” I HOPE IN SOME WAY I HAVE ENCOURAGED SOMEONE TODAY….YOUR COMMENTS HAVE GIVEN ME ALITTLE MORE HOPE MYSELF. GOD BLESS YOU ALL. TIM

I am happy I found this site. I am dealing with a husband who had a major depression two years ago. At the time, he insisted the depression was due to issues with our house at the time. The issues were resolved, we sold the house and immediately – he went back into a depressive state. Depression runs in his family. Now that he realizes that the house was not the issue (it was just the straw that broke the camel’s back)he has decided that it must be me and our marriage that make him miserable. He has totally withdrawn. When he was on antidepressants, he said he craved alcohol and drank everyday. He snuck around to do so because he knew I disapproved. He found a female friend and snuck around with her. We survived that, though I don’t believe she has ever been out of the picture. He has just gotten back on medication, but he has moved out of our new house, leaving me to care for our three kids. He comes back every other night or so to see the kids and totally ignores me. If I try to talk to him – it just agitates him. He says he feels nothing. He has an appointment with a psychiatrist next week, but I don’t know how much more I can take. This has been a roller coaster ride. I don’t want him to leave. I don’t want to be without him. At the same time, I so miss the person that he was. He is not the same at all and I don’t know that he ever will be. I feel more like my husband died and I am grieving. I want to help and try to be supportive, but I get nothing in return. I am so sad myself and worry that I will end up depressed and then how will I care for our three young children.

It is so very good to read all these comments and know that I’m not the only one dealing with a depressed spouse. It took me a long time to realize that it really was NOT me cuasing the difficulties in our marriage – for of course I was the one always blamed. Hard to believe that someone so intelligent would not realize that even though his mother had been on Prozac the last 25 years of her life, and his father drank because of depression, and his brother is on anti-anxiety drugs, that this was what was bothering my own husband. This is why he continually pushes all the household tasks onto me (even with 5 sons, my own fulltime teaching job and a farm to run), constantly tells me he is “too tired” to deal with things, can’t keep track of any detail, and is always gloom and doom. My own personality is very much the opposite, but as a strongly empathetic person, it sure is easy to get sucked down yourself! At least I’ve learned to watch out for that. Worse part is, he is in major denial and absolutely refuses to ask for help. I’ve made numerous appointments and tried to go with him, only to find out he’s cancelled them. Then he promises to try alternative therapies – like exercising (he is quite overweight), but of course fails to follow through after a while.
To help take care of myself I’ve recently returned to graduate school, become much happier, and the resentment on his part is palpable. I’ve learned that other people really do think I’m pretty wonderful and amazing, and not just a pain. I realize how learning to deal with this has forced me to grow in ways I never would have otherwise. Which is great, but I still long for happier days with my spouse, some affection and affirmation – and for my kids sake, as well as my own. Because I do love him, and I want to spend many more years with him, but it is so very, very hard. Now my classes are over for the summer, and I absolutely dread three months without much interaction with my support group (who don’t even realize this is what they are!). Definitely my most intense spiritual battle.

OK, here’s where I am. Have been with my husband 6 years, married for almost 3. He’s been depressed almost the entire time, with short breaks, the longest when we first met and then other short bits when I thought things would get better but for every gain we fall back again a bit. Slow improvement, but it doesn’t look to me like we’ll ever have a normal life.

I’m so so tired. His constant edginess and tension, the angry blow-ups over every little thing I do. Constant smoking. Occasional (about once per year) bouts of drunken abusiveness. The loneliness of our total lack of a social life. The horrible costs of his medication and therapy. The enormous debts he incurred during the worst of his illness. The possibility that I may never be confident enough in his health to have a child with him. Given his terribly unhealthy lifestyle and family history, the near-certainty that he’ll develop serious health problems within a decade, and that I’ll be a widow within, say, two.

I can’t imagine life without him – I really, truly do love him – but the rational part of my brain keeps pointing this out to me. How do other people handle this? Sometimes now I wish that I’d run the other way when I had met him, had not been so understanding about what seemed like quirks, had evaluated the relationship more coolly. What will I think of that decision when I’m 50? Someone please answer.

For those of you with kids, staying in your misery BECAUSE of them…I ask you, just how are they benefitting from the situation? I ask, because I asked myself the same for three years, argued with myself about which would be more harmful to them emotionally…divorce and who knows what kind of relationship with dad, or living with it every day. As my husband left and wanted out of our life every other week or so, I got a lot of time to compare how life could be versus how we were living it, and to ponder on how the kids would be affected (who were one and two years old at the time.) With daddy home, they got a few minutes of play time with him each day and a story at night, if he stayed home. They had to be kept out of his way, away from violent TV shows he watched. They got to hear our arguring about why he doesn’t want to take care of himself. They got to constantly beg for attention they weren’t getting because we were wrapped up in hours long debate, analysis, ridiculous arguements about who he thought I was staring at as I walked passed a cafe. They got to search through a swamp, one strapped to my front, one to my back, looking for daddy, calling for him, after finding suicide notes one afternoon. They got to watch him disappear in anger for days, and then reappear. They got to watch mommy cry in despair and they got to cry for daddy and ask when they would see him again. The got the answer “I have no idea”. They got a mommy who was alternately angry and sad, not knowing how to fix the situation, not knowing if there would be any money left in the bank account for food or a doctor visit, because daddy had a compulsive spending issue, and a drug habit. They got a great dad when he decided to take his meds and a pitiful, sad angry wreck of a person when he decided he didn’t want to be bound to any pill. I really relate to your words “walking on eggshells, “mind numbing”….lots of pain and torture.

When he was gone for a while, I got to see the beauty of my children, of our surroundings, of simple pleasures, giving undivided attention to two very young beings who needed a stable loving atmosphere, of walking freely through our home, of the silence of a tv turned OFF, of not worrying how a gesture or comment of mine might be misconstrued.

So much of what many of you say rings true for me…how the affection was there at the beginning, how it is now deviod of fun intimacy, caring, sharing, how it’s all now just a burden, and how it’s all somehow MY fault. But it’s not. We are responsible for our own grown selves. We can change ONLY how we act and react. These sick and depressed spouses will only get better if they WANT to. If we continue to care for them and they are not putting in any effort, we are enabling them to remain sick. They have a choice. And so do you.

Daddy left one day, flew 2000 miles away, said he was starting divorce proceedings in the state where we were married. That was the end for me. I got off the rollercoaster. He begged to try again, he vowed to seek counseling. He said he had changed. He said he still loved me. He said I wasn’t being fair to the kids. He promised to stick around if I would give him one more chance. He said he had had too much going on emotionally, but now he was better. He tried to manipulate me to get back on that hellish ride with him again, and expose our children to it again. One last chance, please?!!?? But I wouldn’t.

Life is SOOOOO much more peaceful now. I am in control of myself, my mental, social, emotional and physical well being. I am not so wrapped up in the well being of a hopelessly ill individual that I can’t give myself or our children what they need and DESERVE.

We are wonderful, happy, balanced. We are part of a good community of family and friends who help take care of each other, who take good care of themselves.

Daddy spends time each week with the kids. Long periods of consistent time, falling into his pattern of running away, needing space away, unable to cope with life in general. Who knows how long he will remain a part of their lives. He threatens frequently (still). to go somewhere else, “somewhere” where he can find happiness. I wish him luck finding that happiness.

Oh my gosh! I can’t believe there are so many of us out there but no live support groups. My husband and I have been married for 12 years, 3 beautiful boys and many bouts of depression. Its hard to know if you love the person anymore or are just to scared to leave in case they decide to take their life and the incredible guilt you would feel and the possibility of your children blaming you for leaving and no longer having a dad. I just don’t know anymore. I know on good days which are few and far between all of the sad, angry, anxious ones with regular retreats to the bathroom, bedroom, for sleep or scratch attacks: where was I going with this, oh yah that’s how I feel most days, on the good days, I go yes that is the man I married, fell in love with, but boy those other days, its just so hard to carry the physical, emotional and financial burdens that living with a husband with depression brings. We have tried marriage counselling, retrouvaille, individual counselling, medication – still not one that works well enough ( and trying meds is a whole nother job; the sleeping, the mood swings, the side effects the month or so lost, the sadness that is isn’t working). Sorry for long post, its a bit cathartic just to write this down to a group that will understand. i just wish there was someone to talk with daily who understand where I am and what I am dealing with and not always having to explain. If you don’t live with it, you don’t know. I know my friends and family love me and want the best for me and after awhile of saying the same thing over and over again, they don’t know what to say anymore and I understand that. Thank you for listening.

My wife is very depressed and I would also like it if there was a group that met monthly, so that we could all share what we are going through. We are not alone. I live in the NW Washington, Dc area and would love to start a local group for those people who just want to talk about what they are going through with their depressed spouse and to share ideas that have helped them deal with their loved one. My wife promised me that she would see a therapist and take medication to help her, but she stopped when she gained 10 pounds while on prozac. Even though she ate lots of junk food while on Prozac she felt that her medication was the sole cause of her weigh gain, so she stopped taking the Prozac cold turkey. Effexsor caused her to have nightmares, so I can understand why she stopped taking it. If anyone has tried a medication that did not cause weight gain, please let me know what it is.

Unfortunately, I didn’t know the extent of my husband’s depression until AFTER the wedding. If I had known before, I would have NEVER married him. I’ve sacrified who I am, having a family, and happiness in my life with the hope that my husband’s depression would get better. I placed the blame for my husband’s problems on my controlling mother-in-law who is now dying of cancer. I can only imagine what life will be like once she’s gone–quite frankly, I don’t think my husband will be able to survive her death. After reading other comments, I can safely say that it’s time for me to make plans to get out of this miserable existence. Life’s too short and he’s just not worth it anymore. I’m tired of his woe is me attitude!

I have bipolar and ocd,diagnosed 11 yrs. ago.my husband was diagnosed 2months ago with depression,he moved in with his parents leaving me with the house and 4 kids.I am on disability.My question is about my husband.he says he doesn’t love me like he should,he doesn’t feel emotion for me.is this normal??? he was on zoloft,didn’t work,on cymbalta,also not working,will be calling doctor tomorrow.

I JUST MARRIED A MAN THAT IS BI-POLAR, WE WERE A MARRIED A MONTH UNTIL HE TOLD ME TO GET OUT HE DID’NT WANT TO BE MARRIED ANYMORE AND TO TAKE MY CATS TOO. BEOFRE THIS HE WAS THE MOST LOVING GENTEL CARING SOUL THAT ANY WOMAN COULD WISH FOR, JUST ALL OF A SUDDEN HE FLIPPED. HE HAD NEVER BEEN MARRIED BEFORE NOW I CAN SEE WHY.HE’S NOT ON MED BUT SHOULD BE AND THE REASON HE QUIT TAKING MEDS WAS THE WEIGHT GAIN.I FEEL I’VE BEEN ROBBED OF THE BEST LOVE OF MY LIFE BUT I CA’T LIVE WITH SOMEONE LIKE THAT WE’RE FILING FOR DIVORCE.

My husband was just admitted for a suicide watch and severe depression. I am optimistic person and I feel guilty that I thought about leaving. I hate getting sucked into his vortex of depression. I love him dearly, but how do you live with it?

I am so sorry to read these posts and hear of so much unhappiness. However, I am very grateful I found this blog because I too am living in hell with a depressed spouse. We have been married for 27 years. There were short lived signs of this througout our marriage but it wasn’t until last year that this began ruining our marriage. It has been a long lonely, heartbreaking year. He refuses to get help. He thinks he can “fix” it or he will just snap out of it. He has pushed me so far away I am afraid that when or if he ever comes out of it, it will be too late. He is showing signs of porn addiction. Won’t touch me, he has ED. He has no remorse for hurting me the way he is. I have begged, cried, gone for counseling (alone)and have threatend to leave. I don’t know what to do anymore either. I make excuses for him to my family, shelter our grown sons from the truth about Dad right now. I have asked him to leave as well if he doesn’t get help. Problem is I will have to do all the work there too. We don’t speak to each other. He appears to not care what I am doing or going through. I get so frustrated. I try to be supportive but then I lose control and I end up saying the nastiest things to him which leaves me feeling guilty. This is not the same man I married and I really miss him. We were so good together. I wish he would come back but I honestly don’t know how long I can hang on. I know it seems wrong to leave someone and give up but I cannot hang on to someone who refuses to help himself. If he would only attempt to get some help I would be so much more commpassionate and would do everything I can to help him. Without him getting help I am fighting a losing battle right now. In the beginning of this depression cycle I refused to allow this to bring me down. But now, I am so tired and I am beginning to doubt my own self worth and feel my self esteem slipping away. Counseling doesn’t seem to help me, I just keep saying the same things over and over again like a broken record. What good is it going to do me if he won’t help himself. I need to find the strength to keep my head up and live my life

It has been so hard to feel so alone in the role of the wife of a depressed husband. Married 13 years, sons ages 7 and 9. My husband was the life of the party, was literally the “social chairman” of his fraternity and lived up to that role for years after. He is extremely smart, funny, good looking, creative, and has achieved everything in his career he dreamed of. We live in a gorgeous house in the best neighborhood, kids are great and go to the best private school, we can travel and do almost anything we want, our extended families are the best and we love being with them, husband is in the newspaper all the time for business accomplishments… blah blah blah… none of it matters because our inner lives are hell. The contrast between the blessings and advantages we have and the reality of our despair is the hardest thing. He became depressed about three years ago. He is very old-school – from a family where men were athletes and miltary men who pulled themselves up by their bootstraps and did not show weakness. I am a therapist, of all things! As you can imagine, it took a while for him to consider addressing his issues as “depression” and seeking outside help. We finally found a great therapist with whom he is comfortable, but he was opposed to even considering medication. He is now at a rock-bottom place, and I’m hoping he will reconsider it. When his depression started, he pulled away from me, along with everyone else, and then he decided that he was depressed because he was unhappy with our marriage. He has since been able to acknowledge that the marriage was not the problem – we’re not perfect, but we were never in conflict. He actually moved out though, and he has kept an apartment for the past two years. The fun part is that no one knows this, not even our kids. He tells them he is going back to the office at night (which has often been a habit – all his energies for towards work, and that is another issue). So the energies that go towards keeping up that facade are extensive. I battle every day with the negative thoughts I have regarding my inadequacies – the feeling that I am constantly auditioning to win back the role of “wife”, when he never could tell me one thing I did wrong in the first place. I am exhausted.

I have been married for close to 28 years. In that time I always felt inadequate as a wife because no matter what, my husband was unhappy. I would blame myself because that was easy to do. He also always reminded me that he was unhappy because of something I lacked, or I didn’t do, or did do. We have four wonderful children. Their experience growing up in this household was mixed as he treated some differently and also all humans react differently to the abuse of a depressed person. My one daughter, now 20 and in college was brave enough to confront him with all the pain he had inflicted on her. He views it as “her” problem. I have sat and wondered if he has a controlling personality or if he’s depressed. Perhaps it’s some of both, but I know he is depressed. He will come out and say,,,,I am very depressed, but it’s always followed by, but if you did this or that or looked like this, or acted like this,,,then he’d be just fine. I work full time and provide a large majority of the family income. He works the dairy farm we own and it’s a ton of work. He will not have an open discussion on what the future holds now that all our children have moved on and there’s no more family labor to help him. In the past things have gotten so bad I said no more. I would tell him there was a problem and it wasn’t ME. I ask him to please discuss depression with his doctor at his annual physical and when that time came he’d tell his doctor he was just perfect. Too bad there’s not a blood test for depression, as his lipids and blood sugars and blood pressures are perfect. This tells him,,according to him that he’s very healthy. He will not even bring up the issue of depression with his doctor, after all the problem is with ME. So often I told myself that when the last left I would be free to go. But its never easy. With shared children there’s always an event,,,graduations, weddings, that I don’t want to disrupt because I call it quits and moved out. But I want to feel free of the constant cloud of giving everything I have to make another happy, when it has hit home that I will never really be able to do that ever. Still I try. I put on a smiley face at social events even though I had only heard complaints for hours before. My heart has hit rock bottom and I don’t know if my staying because I wanted a “good” home for my children was the right thing to do. If there was a magic formula to “make him happy” I’d sell my soul.

I am the spouse of a depressed man, and for 28 years, also. I have thought of leaving – sometimes every single day, now maybe once a month. It is unlikely I will leave. I understand he is ill and I have great sympathy and love. That does not necessarily give me what I need to get through this. One has to have the resilience of Job. There are good times…and sometimes that feels almost cruel. I would like to find an online support group that allows an exchange of thoughts, etc. among spouses of depressed people…I do NOT want to hear from those who ARE ddpressed. No offense and you have my best wishes, but I’ve heard enough. I want to hear with people who are LIVING WITH a depressed spouse.

i know every person’s experience is different but what i’m trying to figure out is if i should keep hope alive and stay with him (we’ve been together for about 7 years) or end it now so i can live what “might” be a happier life. there are no guarantees or promises kept in this situation, i think. it’s amazing to see so many people have similar stories. my husband is getting help (therapy and meds) and has been for the last 2 years or so. how much longer do i need to wait to see some progress? for him it’s just the never wanting to leave the house, sitting in front of the TV all day, not sleeping at all, not helping around the house. i wish i had more patience and optimism. it’s just hard sometimes because when we first met, he was the most attentive, fun, and charismatic person. now i only see glimmers of his former better self.

I too am living with a depressed husband. It has been going on for 2 years now….no intimacy (physical or emotional), we fight, he sleeps a lot…they typical symptoms one has when depressed.
Now I am having anxiety. I am seeing my doctor today. I try to be strong for so long for my children and myself and my sanity, but I have reached the end of my rope. I don’t want to divorce.
How do we “start over?” Can anyone give me some suggestions as to how to try to save my marriage? We need to take baby steps, but what does that look like? There has been so much hurt and resentment that we both feel lost. Help!

Lily, i know what you mean– i’ve been feeling at the end of my rope lately, too, but i am not ready to divorce. I started seeing a therapist but that hasn’t helped too much (maybe it’s the therapist, though– she’s nice but not very helpful for me to get at my own feelings and issues). I’ve been reading in a lot of blogs and articles that #1 is taking care of myself. i see that as hanging out with friends, going to the gym, even getting a pedicure. i don’t have kids, though, so maybe it’s easier for me to get out on my own– do you have family or a trustworthy babysitter to take the kids while you go do your own thing?

another thing that has helped me is more mental– not taking his depression personally, which is hard but important.

and finally, after a few years of cajoling and encouraging, i got him to start seeing a therapist– i got a list of people, called them up myself, and then had him go to his first appointment. it’s slow progress and he definitely isn’t “cured” at all, but it’s helping him understand the causes of his own depression. the hard part is getting out of it!

don’t know if that helps at all. it’s been helpful for me, too, to read through these blogs and see that there are others in a similar situation as me!

To Susie: You probably feel so invested in your boyfriend and it’s clear that you love him. I can promise you that the heartache you feel now over your situation will be 100 times as bad if you marry him. End it NOW. Once you are away from the relationship for a while you will see how bad it really was. I wish I had listened to the signs before getting married – they were there but I thought our love would conquer all. Now I’m in your shoes trying to decide my next step. Only its 8 years of marriage later with children, religous committments and divorce guilt hanging over my head. Believe me it’s not going to change. YOU deserve a functional adult as a companion. You can still love him and keep the good memories you just won’t be burdened with his issues and his inability to fully love you back. It may be the most difficult thing you’ll ever do – say goodbye!

My husband was diagnosed with bipolar disorder about 2 years ago. He has “mixed episodes” where he either has mania or severe depression. The manic episodes are the worst. They happen about once every 2-3 weeks. He just “snaps” and cannot regain control of his emotions. Most of the time the thing that causes him to “snap” is something that he has imagined and not anything that is going on in the real world. He becomes violent and hostile towards me. Then after about 2 days of mania he goes into severe depression where he cries and talks about all of the bad things that have happened in our relationship and in his life. We have a 3 year old son and I have to take him to a relative’s house when he begins these episodes. He refuses medication because “it makes him feel weird” and he is also an alcoholic which does not help. I feel that I have no more options left but to leave him. I tried to suggest counseling but I ended up going to 2 sessions of marriage counseling by myself. I tried to get his family involved in an intervention of sorts but they refuse to get involved. I have tried everything from compassion to fighting back, to leaving for a week or so at a time and get blamed for “leaving him by himself” when he needed me the most. I know that he is the one who is sick but I feel like the victim here, I am the one living with the dread of going home every day. I empathize with him because I suffer from depression and recently I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder so I know how he feels when he says that he can’t control it. The part I can’t understand is not trying to do everything in your power to fix the problem. Does anyone have any suggestions other than walking away?

Reading all these comments makes me seriously wonder why there is no online support for the spouse living with a depressed spouse. There is a lot of help for the depressed spouse (which is a good thing) but nothing I can find for us. We all have so much in common and could be a huge support to each other in so many ways. Has anybody come across help online or have any ideas how we could start something. My story is parts of all the stories that precede mine so I won’t go into it. I think that the most important thing is to find a way for us to support each other as we try to survive each day with a depressed spouse and also support if we need to leave. I hope we can figure something out.

Thankyou to all who have written here. I am not alone, youhave helped me see things clearer, for better @ worse.I am committed to my husband of 27 yrs.this past year has been awful, but I know now the only thing I have control of are my actionsand reactions to him.

I have been living with a spouse who is probably as depressed as one can get and it is HELL. I don’t know how much longer I can hang on. I can’t take the negativity, false accusations, rudeness, etc. that he has laid on me. I have tried everything and he has just gotten worse. I don’t envy anyone that has to go through this. He is retired and does absolutely nothing and I still work (thank the lord). If I didn’t work, I don’t think this relationship would have ever lasted. Although now it is NOT a relationship. We once were so very happy and into each other (been together for 35+ years)and now it’s totally the opposite. I, too, need help coping and don’t know where to turn. Just having someone to talk to would help.

For Allie and the rest of you…. Allie, when I read your comments, I sat here in disbelief. It was so good to hear that i am not the only one this happens too. My boyfriend/partner suffers with terrible depression and delusional thinking. These delusions make him believe that I am doing unthinkable things behind his back (cheating ect.)As a result, he blames me for his depressive episodes, which are becoming more the norm than the exception. When would i cheat??? is what i ask, I am so bloody busy worrying about him and making sure he hasnt started another 3 day disappearing act drinking binge that I would never have the time or energy! I know i should leave and that i am getting as sick as he is. I used to enjoy life and now all I feel is constant fear. Is there any help out there for spouses of depressed alchoholics???

I have also been married to a depressed man for almost 20 years. He is a wonderful father, funny and very handsome but hides his problems to all except me. He has told me he has never experienced happiness that he looks for his faults in his children daily hoping that they never turn out like him. He has been to therapy and just stops when he feels better but the smallest thing can send him into his dark hole. This is very very hard on a spouse. Some days are fine and you think oh great and then he goes back to his negative depressed self. All his “stuff” stems to way back as a child. He claims to not be able to change because it has gone on so long. I know he loves me but I am so tired of the roller coaster ride I am not sure if I should hang on or get off. Will I be doing this still 40 years from now? Has anyone else felt trapped? He many times has said I am surprised you have stayed with me this long etc…All in all he is a great guy but his depression has taken its toll on me.

I know what you mean DM. I am so afraid of wakeing up one morning and realizing that 20 years or more has gone by and I am still hoping that our lives and he will get better. Reading the rest of the blogs has helped me to realize that not that many of us get much relief from this illness as long as we stay. Soooo, I guess the choice is ours. Live and accept , or move on and chose a more peaceful existence despite the pain it will cause. The pain will be mostly for us, because we have been so focused on our partners and they have focused primarily on themselves as well. I am thinking that the lonliness is starting to look better that the misery. Good luck in your choices and God bless.

I hear so much of my story in all of yours. there are no simple answers for our questions! I created a blog tonight as an effort to support myself and others better. I’ll be posting about helpful resources while trying to keep things “un-depressing”. I invite all of you to visit:

http://www.forstrengthtoday.blogspot.com

It breaks my heart when I read all of your comments. I only wish I had found this site a few months earlier. I lived with a man for 16 years who was depressed most of his life. He too was bi-polar. He would go through the rants and delusional accusations of me cheating of stealing his money. This was the most hurtful part of his sickness. There were so many other factors that made the situation impossible. I do understand what you have to endure.
He was on very strong pain medication for nerve damage due to a curvature of the spine. This certainly didn’t help the depression.
I spent years trying to find doctors to help with his depression, insomnia and pain. No antidepressants worked.
Any stress imagined or an exaggerated version of reality would cause him to go into the manic state where I was sometimes afraid he was going to snap and hurt me. He was not a violent man. In fact he was the most wonderful kind hearted man I have ever known.
He tried many times to get me to leave him. He told me his depression was ruining my life. He even tried to get my daughter to convince me I should leave him.
I would never have abandoned him. I loved him more than life and he knew it. I couldn’t feel anger or resentment for him, because I knew his sickness was not something he could control. He tried harder than anyone I have ever seen to get help. He ate right, exercised until he couldn’t do it anymore. Nothing worked. I watched him decline into a state that in hind sight seems like a nightmare that couldn’t possibly be real.
On May 30th, two months and 8 days ago a homicide detective came to see me where I work.
He told me B had gone to a secluded park near our home and shot himself. He died instantly.
He had a note with him that said “Suffered Enough” along with his personal information and where they could find me.
I have agonized and analyzed every detail of everything we ever did trying to figure out why he couldn’t get help.
The unfortunate thing is I know one of the reasons he wouldn’t let it go on anymore is because he knew I would never leave him and
He didn’t want me to have that life anymore.
Ladies I have to tell you, I would gladly endure the pain his depression caused me to have him back. As long as I could keep trying to get help for him I had hope that someday he would be alright. The only comfort I have is knowing he is no longer suffering and he had “Suffered Enough”. Now my real pain has begun and I’m not sure how I am going to get through it, but I know I will. I have to.

Susie: I have the same problem with my husband accusing me of cheating, or whatever it is that he imagines in his head. I also have the unfortunate experience with having to take care of a bipolar alcoholic. The truth of the matter is that no one can help them until they stop drinking to cope with their issues and start trying to be constructive. I was told by his phsychologist that he would never be able to help him unless he stopped drinking. We tried to get him to take the medications that were prescribed, but because he wasn’t allowed to drink while he was taking them, he stopped. I think the hardest thing for me is having to deal with the fact that he loves himself and alcohol more than he loves me and our son. If he got things his way, we would starve as long as he had a beer in his hand.
I have tried so many times to leave him but I love him so much. I feel that me leaving and taking our son would push him over the edge. I don’t want my son to have to grow up without his father. He is a very good dad, just not so good at the husband part. I just wanted to let you know that there are other people that are where you are standing and as long as you are strong you will get through it, with or without him.

I happened on to this website and unexpectedly started crying like a baby when I began to read the different posts – I guess I have been carrying this for a long time without realizing it. I have been married to my college sweetheart for 19 years and we have 4 terrific kids. She has suffered from depression/anxiety for a long time but during the last two years it seems to have gotten worse. It seems like she changes meds every year or two and they seem to work for a while and then ultimately lose their effectiveness. They also have severe side effects (low libido, feeling like she’s a “zombie”,etc) I’ve noticed that in the last year or so her nightly glass of wine has turned into 3 or 4 glasses. I feel sorry for myself but then feel guilty for those feelings because I know that she suffers so much more. She often talks about suicide but then says how she would never do it because of the kids. She’s been to a number of counselors and she’s come to realize that this may be as “good as it gets”. It’s been helpful reading the experiences of others and makes me realize that I need to see a counselor myself. May God bless us all.

I am a thirty-one year old female who has been married for a year and a half. Shortly after we moved into our new home last Aug, I noticed that my husband was acting differently and that he was not the same happy optimistic fun loving man that I had grown to love. Instead he was very pesimestic and got angry at every little thing. He pushed me away and rejected me emotionally and physically and even told me on many occassions that he didn’t love me. I knew that this was not normal behvior for my husband and gave him his space and after a week or a few days he would apoligise and tell me that he had everything figured out and that he was to be O.K, and that he really does love me. many nights we would get in bed and he would toss and turn and sigh with angisiety and eventually he would get up and watch TV. I often asked him what was wrong and he would say “nothing..just go to sleep..i am just frustrated” this kind of behavior went on for about eight months and then it changed a little. Instead of being cold, detached, and uncaring he started to show emotion, but not a healtyh type of emotion. He would break down crying and was completly unconsolable and I deemed at that point in time that was depressed and needed medical help. Every thing was too much trouble for him. Even the task of packing an overnight bag stressed him out. i sat him down and asked him if he was depressed and he said that he was not sure.I made an appointment to see a doctor and we went togeather. He has ben diagonosed with OCD and he also has an anxiety disorder. He has been going to therapy for about four months now and he is really responding well. they are going to start him on anti-anxiety medication and a pill for depression withing the next week. They don’t think it will be permanent and I am crossing my fingers. I love my husband with all of my heart and I hope he will make a full recovery.
I can identify with all of you who say that you feel the depressionis your fault because I too have felt that way. I know in my heart that it is not my fault but it is still hard to deal with. I don’t have any answers. All I know is that my husband needs me and I am the only one who truly knows what he is going through, and I need to be there for him. I cry a lot and I often asked God to keep me strong so that I can look after both of us. I hope that one day my husband will be health and happy and that he will respect and love me that much more because I stood by him when he needed me the most. My prayers are with all of you.

WOW, I’ve seen so many things in here that unfortunately I’m become more familiar with the past 2-3 months. I keep thinking my wife will get better but I see that this doesn’t always happen. I’ve been optimistic but, truthfully, you’ve shaken my confidence and scared me now!

I tried to leave a post once… I’ll try again. I was optimistic before but now I see that things MAY NOT GET BETTER and that scares me!

Brad, what is the story with your wife?? Please dont assume that there is no hope. We are all frustrated but I personally know other people (a close cousin) who fully recovered from their depression. My spouse is just not one of those people, although I pray that one day, he will be. I think it really depends on the individual and what they are willing to do to get there. My husband wont stick with anything and stays on the merry go round. Personally, I think he is comfortable in his role.

Depression or just plain emotional abuse,,,someone please tell me? I have posted here before describing the emotions of living with my depressed husband,,,but now some thing horrible has happened. He attempted to begin an affair with a co-worker of mine. She was appalled and promptly told me and gave me the letter he wrote to her. He told me it wouldn’t have happened except that I was not as pretty as he wished and that I had turned him down for sex one night. Which was a night he had just told me how badly I look. My husband was apologetic for being so stupid,,,,,and expects 100% forgiveness effective now. Our son’s wedding is a month from now,,,,so I stay,,,to make a good appearance and to assure money for our other children’s college expenses. Do spouses of depressed partners always put their needs on hold and care for everyone else first? Maybe it’s a trait,,,,,,,,I can’t seem to change no matter how hard it gets. I don’t think it’s healthy for me,,,,,but here

Irene your comment rings true for me. I said those exact words “emotional abuse” to my mother last year when things were really, really bad in my marriage. My husbands tactics are more about withdrawal though than insults and personal attacks. The result is the same – I’ve felt diminished self esteem and feelings of failure to name a few. I used to always put his needs before my own, sacrificing what I wanted to do or say to spare the reaction I might get. Then I found myself boiling over with resentment and anger. Since then I’ve tried to set more boundaries.

Everyone has to decide what their boundaries will be. It was hard and complicated for me to figure out but I found a good book that really guided me through. Since setting more boundaries on things like communication and sex I’ve felt alot better about myself.

What setting limits does is take the weight of my husbands decisions and actions off my shoulders. I was carrying WAY too much of that for him. And in the end everything felt like my fault. He loves having no responsibility for his actions and I was enabling him to some extent. It is so hard to watch someone you love and care about and have so much time and effort invested in make such destructive choices.

It is all so difficult and complicated. There are many who feel your pain. I wish you the best with the challenges ahead.

The book that helped me so much with boundaries is: “Lord, I believe; Help thou mine Unbelief.” by Rod W. Jeppsen

This book is written to an LDS (Mormon) audience who have loved ones with sexual addictions or compulsive sexual behaviors – but will help ANYONE who has a depressed spouse and is well worth it just for the part about boundaries. There is also a well writen ‘divorce checklist’ in this book. I refer to it often to clear my mind of the emotions and look at the facts. So far the list has kept me on track with improving what I can in my marrige and not getting a divorce.

This book has become a life saver for me in many ways. I highly recommend it. Take what applies to you and leave what doesn’t – don’t let the title scare you off

Yesterday, I dropped my partner off at the Psych ward for the third time this year. It always follows some event that he finds distressing. This time it is his children enjoying spending time with him ex-wifes new boyfriend. He says he feels replaced and not important. (its always about him).I sat in the emergency room with him all day, then had to drive him to another city since there were no beds available here. This all took about 12 hours. At the end of the day, when I had to leave he said, not thank you for driving me around and sitting in the hospital with me all day- rather it was- “go, leave me, dont come visit, I am all alone like i should be”. It was all I could do to not start singing ” poor, poor, pitiful me” to him.

A big part of me wants to do just that. Call him on his crap and not do the hour long drive and visit him every other day. Of course though, I feel much more sorry for him than I do for myself and the mess he has once again left behind for me to take care of.

I am sooooo sick of this merry go round. I dont know how to get off, guilt keeps me there.

I can relate to many stories here. My spouse of 19 years is depressed. I truly believe there’s more to his mental problems than just depression, I’m certain there’s anxiety disorders, perhaps bi-polar, I don’t know for sure and unfortunately, can’t get him to seeks enough medical attention to really find out for sure.

Two 1/2 years ago, the stress at his job started the ball rolling and it’s been “rolling down hill” since. We’l tried countless meds, regular visits to Dr. and psychiatrist and they have given up because he just won’t do what he’s been told to do. He hasn’t worked in 1 1/2 year so I’m the sole income provider in the house. We have 2 young kids, with one son with OCD and ADHD. I’ve been at the end of my rope many times but still manage to find a thread to hold onto and pull myself back up and inch or two, just to keep it together. However, lately, his constant blaming and belittlement really has started to effect me. I find myself feeling as he does. I can’t afford meds for myself and frankly too scared to try them. I have been seeing a counsellor when I can fit in it. He too “self medicates” but with marijuana so we are close to bankruptcy.

I once asked the Dr. what’s the depression and what’s just his personality? When we met, he was so caring and loving now I can barely look at him without feeling resentment, anger, pity, helpless etc. He just thinks it’s all my fault and refuses to try. He says he’s done all the changes in his life for me and I need to change for him. I know that’s not true, but sometimes really hard not to believe. I’m grateful I work with some wonderful people, who constantly give me words of encouragement and praise.

This life style is preventing my kids from having a normal, balanced life. Mom’s so busy doing everything she doesn’t have time for them and NO time for her.

This blog has helped. I understand I need to stop enabling and not let it bother me when he lashes out for not “doing it his way”.

I will book mark this site and read regularly – thanks for sharing. First time I’ve actually heard of someone I can totally relate to.

I can relate to so many of these posts and feel everyone’s pain. I,too, have a spouse that is severely depressed. It is so difficult to live with someone who one day tells you that you are the source of all his unhappiness and then later cries in the middle of the night and apologizes and tells you to “Save yourself and the kids and leave me.” He has tried to commit suicide twice in the past six months but we have never been able to convince the police that he is a threat to himself because he talks them into believing that it is all a misunderstanding so they don’t take him. I feel so responsible for him and I know his entire family will blame me if he does hurt himself. We have three kids and I really feel guilty about even contemplating leaving him since he’s always been there for us. He hasn’t been able to work for the past six months but he refuses to change his lavish lifestyle and he seems to think the mortgage and all the bills will pay themselves. I have left with the kids three times in the past three months but each time we came back because he begged and agreed to go inpatient but then he changes his mind once we are back. He has been through two psychiatrists, and countless medications, and both have given up on him and say he needs to be admitted because he is treatment resistant. He drinks and self medicates himself and can’t seem to go a day without either a drink or his medical marijuana. It is so hard to watch someone self-destruct right before your eyes. My head tells me I need to leave the situation but I keep thinking that we should try all treatment options-even if all we seem to have right now is going inpatient at the hospital to treat the depression and addiction problems. Has anyone’s spouse been admitted to the psych unit and did it help or hurt the situation? Good luck everyone.

One of the things that’s so frustrating about living with a depressed spouse is that they are SO manipulative. When my wife is depressed (which seems to be about half the time, these days), she manages to cleverly present everything so that it is all my fault.

Intellectually, I KNOW I did not create her unhappiness. (After all, I may not be a perfect person, but I’m a decent human being.) But emotionally, it’s easy to “push the buttons” of someone who you know very well — which is what my wife does to me.

I’ve threatened to leave on several occasions, and — to tell the truth — it’s been money that’s kept me in the relationship. I know what divorce does to a couple financially, and am afraid to face it.

Does that make me selfish? A coward? Lazy? In some small way, yes. But as some of the other people have said, you only have one life to live. How long do you let someone drag you down?

My wife isn’t a bad person. She’s intelligent, funny, can be very compassionate, and [used to be] quite sexy. But ALL of that goes out the window when she’s depressed. Then, she’s angry, negative, extremely cruel (mostly to me), and draining to be around.

The problem is, that even though we can say “that’s not them, it’s just the depression,” it doesn’t make it any easier. It doesn’t matter to me that it’s simply her brain chemistry, when she’s screaming at me how I’ve ruined her life, and throwing things at me.

My wife says, “you don’t know how I feel.” That’s true. But I know how she acts — and that’s all I have to judge by. She would NEVER stand for me saying to her some of the horrible things she’s said to me.

On of the toughest things to take is that I’M the one who supports her through everything she’s gone through, yet I’m the one she takes everything out on.

On more than one occasion, I’ve told her: “You can have me be supporting and loving, or you can take things out on my like I’m your emotional punching bag. But you CAN’T have both at the same time.” (She never understands this when she’s depressed.)

So how do we deal with this? I’ve been supportive for more than 10 years. She’s tried medication — I’ll give her that — but refuses therapy. In my opinion, you have to do both. And even then, it’s a hard road.

There is no easy answer. And I know that I CAN continue to take it. The question is: Do I want to?

Thanks for listening . . .

I am wondering if anyone has this issue…my spouse is depressed, always has been, but never saw a doctor about it. He had a melt down about two months ago, and I was told to take him to the ER. He got out of control and smashed the kitchen table when asked to turn the TV volume down. My sons restrained him. It turns out he was drinking quite a bit and self medicating with street drugs. Ironically, he has never been without a job and continues to be a responsible person (outside of home), but I am so tired. So tired of caring for him. He gambles obsessively on the internet, but again, he is responsible about it . He nevers used out money, just his winnings. After reading the posts, I realized I wasn’t the only one happy that sometimes he isn’t here when I get home. I have to brace myself when he is here as I don’t know if I will set him off. He has stopped drinking, taking illegal drugs, and is getting meds and therapy, but I don’t trust him. I am afraid to talk to him as I feel like I will be rebuffed and emotionally hurt over and over again. How do you trust again? I have been married for nearly 24 years, and I am not sure if I can continue, but then I ask myself if it were cancer or a physical illness, would I give up? No, I wouldn’t. In addition, his family have basically written him off, so the burden of support is on me. I don’t want the job anymore.

Karen, just wanted to say that it appears your husband is actively making his choices. By choosing different behaviour in different circumstances (work, gambling ect.) he is showing that he is able to behave in certain manners but for some reason chooses not to maintain that standard at home. Probably, because at work they would tell him to hit the bricks if he acted that way. People behave in ways they are allowed. By staying with him all this time, you are allowing it. Sorry, i do the same thing!

WOW! I really didn’t know that there were this many people who felt like me. My husband has been depressed forever. I was so young when we got together. Then we had a child. I have always been a caretaker and now for the last 6 years a nurse. My husband becomes distant, mean, angry, hurtful, and blames me and now is beginning to blame my children. He can’t take any stress–always yelling and blaming. He has even pushed our 14 year old son. But my son does have an attitude. I am a referee (not spelled right, sorry) in our home and am constantly worried. He has threatened to leave and has before. He used to be on medications but was diagnosed with sleep apnea and is using a cpap. Things were okay for a while, but now I believe it is worse. Walking on eggshells is how we are living our lives. This is evil of me but sometimes I wish that he would die so I don’t have to live with the stress and can be a better mom to my kids. He tells me I’m too easy on them and so he has to be harder. They listen to me and respect me; he doesn’t see how much damage he is doing to them. What kind of damage am I doing by staying with him to them?!? Would they be better without him? What about my faith? How can I teach my children to be Christians if I can’t uphold the basic commandments? But what kind of emotional and mental anguish are they going through by being exposed to this. He acts like a child–everything has to be his way. I want him to get back on medication and try to get help but he denies any problems and tells us it is us! I am so lost, so scared, so worried, just so confused. I am a very private person and I don’t think anyone knows the pain and anguish I am in! I pray daily for courage, mentally strong, and faith. How do you know it is depression or emotional support? Any suggestions or advice would help. I am just so confused and not sure how much more I can handle!

I have to agree with Sue. I do the same thing (enabling). Maybe if we all stopped allowing the crappy behaviour and making excuses for it, they would realize they need to do something FOR THEMSELVES and make a change and get some help. If a person can choose different behaviours in different situations, I would say they are at least somewhat in control and CHOOSE not to behave well at home. That is because unlike their boss or friends, we tolerate it. I wonder what would happen if we didnt? I will keep you posted, because the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over agian, and expecting a different result. Im not doing this dance any more.

Mary…I have posed the same question to myself for 3 years now, Do I stay because my son needs his father? Or do I leave because his father is not a father at all, just another child that I have to take care of? I have been isolated from my friends and family since the day that he found out that I was pregnant with our son, so I understand what you mean when you say that you carry all of it inside of you. But I am sure that I am not the first person to tell you that it is not healthy. I have recently been reunited with a few GOOD friends that I have been able to confide in. Also I found that going to see a counselor for myself has helped. Just to have someone that can give you an outside view of everything that you are going through and tell you how to copeand to tell you that none of it is your fault despite all that he says. I have begun to live my own life again. I was so caught up in trying to “fix” my husband that I forgot about myself. I think that is the biggest mistake that everyone on here makes. We are always the ones picking up the pieces. ]

I told myself 3 months ago that I would not live like that anymore, and I haven’t. If I know that he is in one of his moods I won’t go home. If I want to go out with a friend I no longer ask for permission or try to include him because he makes everyone miserable. I just go. I feel better now than I have in YEARS. I let go of all of his problems and started focusing on me and our son. I feel a new zest for life, and I feel that it is time to let go and start fresh. No matter how much I love my husband I can no longer be his “punching bag”. I WON’T EVER BE THAT PERSON AGAIN. Life is too short to be unhappy. God could take me tomorrow and I am tired of missing out on life.

Maybe someday he will grow up and realize that he has hurt everyone around him with his selfishness and cruelty. I have been diagnose with anxiety disorder from having to walk on egg shells everyday for the past few years. And his mother is on 3 different types of depression/anxiety medication from the past 15 years of torment that he has put her through. I don’t want to be like his mother in 7 years, an emotional basket case that cries and the drop of a hat. I am too damn young to be overburdened by someone elses issues, no matter how much I love him.

I have stumbled upon this site mainly out of desperation. I am surprised at the volume of comments that are so similar to mine. I couldn’t read them all because I felt like I kept reading my story over and over again.

I followed the classic path – met him young, he had a drinking problem, he had an abusive up-bringing (mother abusive, father absent working 2 jobs!!), arrests for assault, drunk driving, crashed a car while under the influence, money problems, gambling problems (lottery), employed but always off on disability, etc.etc. The weird thing is that we both came from “good” families. I guess I thought I could change him. We were together 15 years when we had our daughter together. Then it became “for our daughter”. She is now 14. So, then I told myself I’ll stay in the relationship until she has her post-secondary education finished and is no longer dependent on us.

There was always verbal abuse and a little physical abuse (before our daughter was born and only when he had been drinking).

He quit drinking when she was about 6 years old. I thought that would be the end of our problems. He is a “dry drunk” – same behaviour but not from alcohol. So, many of the problems persisted.

I drew the line to myself and no longer tolerated many of his antics and went on my merry way doing my own thing and including him less. This was the only defense I felt I could muster to save face and continue being a family. I returned to work full-time when my daughter was 5 as urged by him until I could find a job-share partner. Well, 9 years later I am still working full-time. We could never financially go back to a reduced income. I always felt that I was duped, while he has been off on disability for more years than working years. (Presently, he is his 4th year off work.) However, this worked out OK because at least at work I have a feeling of self-worth and can show my daughter that independence can come from hard work.

Lately, my husband has become increasingly angry – at me, my daughter, the other driver, his employer, my employer, the world. It’s everyone else’s fault. It’s getting hard to live with which has prompted me to end up here.

I have never put this into words before. There is little I can say to friends because I don’t want to taint his image too much but also makes me look bad for being a bad judge of character. I have often asked myself if the grass would be greener/healthier for myself and my daughter. The other thing I KNOW is that he’d make my life hell. No doubt about it. Yes, I too, have had thoughts “if he’d just die” knowing that he is quite a bit older than me. I find I am planning my senior years without him – as a time of freedom to do things like volunteer work, etc. alone. I have not visualized any retirement time with him – sad.

Of course, the catch 22 is in motion. His anger made me withdraw, my withdrawal made him angry, his anger caused me to withdraw intimately, that caused him to stop romantic advances, that stopped me from sleeping with him, that stopped intimacy altogether. Don’t get me wrong, I love sex but it’s an emotional thing and I just can’t give when I was recently berated for being stupid or whatever. So, it’s out-of-control. He’s angry and I am fat and have fallen out of love.

Don’t get me wrong – I do have a sunny disposition on life – I make lemonade – but I also have fierce defense mechanisms and I just can’t keep forgiving. I don’t think I could put up with many more of his antics. There’s no trust, no respect etc. It’s all for our daughter. But…it all comes down to the anger. If he’d just take a moment and think about what he was going to say instead of blurting everything out, usually over nothing, I am sure the rest could be worked out.

Now, I am working up the courage to approach the subject. When is the right time and place? (that’s a rhetorical question) I’ll let you know what happens next when it does. Thanks for listening.

Has everyone forgotten the vows: “For Better Or Worse”? There is not a subclause: “except when there’s Depression.”

At what cost? In some of these cases, it is more abuse than illness.

Wow! I am sure grateful to have found this site and to know how many other people are going through the same thing!
I talked very matter-of-factly to my husband a few days ago how I want him to move out. He hasn’t yet,(no close family to stay with) but I think it turned a light bulb on for him to stop and re-evaluate his life. I talked very frankly to him about how It’s easier in the house here without him . I’m calmer and more relaxed when he’s NOT around. That says it all. No more ‘egg shell walking’ for me, I used to have to rehearse what I was going to say to him to decide if he would take it the wrong way. What’s wrong with that picture??
I have the classic case, 16 years of marriage, 3 kids. The past 8, on and off meds, mostly on. The past 5 years he’s been SO negative, ranting and raving if the kids are loud, complaining 24/7, and absolutely lethargic. He’s about 75- 100 pounds overweight, so lots of physical symptoms: backaches, headaches, knee prob etc. that he wanted me to take care of. (please give me a massage) Pops advil like candy. Absolutely has EA (electronic addiction), laptop and cell phone in hand at all times. (yes, at the dinner table and in bed, he’s still texting!) His excuse is that he’s ‘working’. Never spends any time with the kids, our son will be turning 6 and I’m the one out throwing the baseball with him. I’ve seen my husband play catch with him ONCE. I have to beg for sex,and 95% of the time, he turns me down. If I wait for him to approach me, it’s over a year! No physical touching at all. I’m almost 40 and too young for that, a hot, sexy woman at that. I was sinking for a while, due to my insecurities, and he wanted me to get on meds too. That’s his solution, every one just take meds, you’ll feel better! A light bulb came on for me by many of the posters here who say that they feel like they are enabling and that sometimes the depressed spouse likes being there, on the merry go round and letting the other spouse take care of it all. I’ve had enough. He was drinking but did stop (2 years ago)at my insistance and I’m grateful. So it shows he’s willing to try. HOpe a separation will get him to analyze what it is he wants from me. (a mother figure is my guess) I feel strong and proud of myself for standing up. I’m too young to have to ‘take care’ of someone who doesn’t want to take care of himself.
I do want to stay together, but not at this cost! I’m nervous around him, the kids feel the stress and are screaming at each other. He’s lost his passion for all his hobbies and his religion. He’s a chronic complainer, so negative and it’s becoming a poison in our lives. In his eyes, the kids are a nuisance and a bother and now they all complain. I say get the poison out of the house!

I was looking for a way to commit suicide by taking pills tonight. Your comments made me see that I am really hurting my husband so i will go through with my plans. There is no way to cure my depression and he is only getting angrier with me. All of you should help your souses commit suicide. it is the kindest thing you can do.

Sue,

This is the WORST thing you could do for your husband. The grief and the feeling of failure he is going to feel is worse than anything he is feeling right now. Trust me, he will NOT be better off without you. I know you love him dearly to even think about doing such a thing, but the best thing you can do for him is to get into treatment and hang in there until you find the treatment which helps you. There are so many treatment options out there and new ones coming all the time. To get some immediate help tonight, please check out this page: http://depression.about.com/cs/suicidecrisis/a/whomtocall.htm

Thats it, look for someone to blame. Nice! Make the whole world feel sorry for you. I dont. If you want help, go get it. Your the only one that can help yourself. For some reason though, you would rather feel so much self pity and this seems easier than doing the work. I really hope no one falls for this crap and feels bad.

Must be more than one Sue on here. The last comment on here is not mine, I am changing my handle to someone less full of self pity!

I really think we should reserve this site for spouses and families of people with mental illness. We really dont need more guilt from those suffering with the illness. We suffer too. Although we have been forced to stand up and be the strong ones, this site should be for us! No one is saying that your pain is not real. We are really saying that no one sees what we are going through. There is so much help for those with mental illness (if they choose to take it), but none for us that deal with the ramifications of it day in and day out. If you real love your spouses and families, get help, do everything you can to heal, and stop the guilt crusade. Personally, I am sick of it.

Is there any good resources out there that can help me cope with my wifes major depression. She has had it for a long time and I did not see it coming. She will not ackowlege it that she is ill. I love her very much and know that it’s the illness and not true hatered and anger she displays towards me. She is very dilusional about the past 14 years of our marrage life and I seemed to be the one she’s blaming. Example: She’s angry about me not being a family man – yet she has been wanting to abandon me and the kids? When ever I correct a delusional fault she blames me for, she finds another delusional fault. Is this normal?

I have total sympathy (and empathy) for you. Very important: make sure that you take care of yourself so that you can be present for your husband. Ask his therapist or someone knowledgeable about local support groups for you. A good book about male depression is “I don’t want to talk about it” (so true). My wife bailed on me while I was in the deepest pit of depression, contemplating suicide. Needless to say, that didn’t help at all. I send you my prayers and best wishes. Hang in there – it gets better!

Sue, the one who is depressed, suicide isn’t the answer,but you already know that or you wouldn’t have been looking at sites. It is very difficult to almost impossible to live with a spouse who is chronically depressed, but by stating you are making it better for him you will make him feel worse. Call 911 and get help don’t go on this site, one of the few that spouses of a depressed person have, and try to make us feel bad. We NEED somewhere to vent and talk to people who understand. The merry go round you are on we are too, but it maybe a little worse for us because we are completely aware of it. There is a lot of emotional abuse that degrades our self esteem, our emotional well being, and it carries over to the children. If this abuse was physical everyone would tell us to leave. It isn’t; there is a sickness and our vows do mean something. When my husband is “normal” he is a good guy and will admit there is a problem, but when that evil comes back he will deny that was ever said or thought. That I think is one of the hardest things; sometimes the man I love comes back to me. I admit I am an enabler and I am like his mother. His family really doesn’t admit there is a problem, but they know. I keep praying and trying to hold strong to my faith, but I do feel like he is wearing me thin, and sometimes I don’t know how much longer I will stay. But the thoughts come back to my faith, my kids, and his well being. He frequently tells me without me he would be in jail or dead because I keep him “in line.” What would happen to him if the kids and I leave; if something happened to him how would the kids be without a dad. Even though I wouldn’t actually classify him as a dad, more like a father, but he is the only one they have.
John, as for your wife leaving you and making it worse, she may not have been able to take it any longer and it may have broken her. I am really glad you got help and are doing better know though. Just try to look at it from her perspective as it was probably similar to alot of ours. Thanks for listening. I am really glad I found somewhere to vent and have people who understand and don’t tell me to leave. The comments I have left sound negative, but I am usually positive. This is one place I can let my emotions out and not worry about hurting anyone. It is similar to journaling except others are reading it (maybe:)

I’m glad to see that i am not alone in all of this. I have been married to my best friend for over a year and a half and just a few months ago i noticed that something just didn’t seem right. My husband is depressed, he’s not the happy go lucky person i’ve known for 8+ years. He was always my rock, but now that is gone. I am trying my best to be there for him but nothing seems to be working. I try the tough love approach, because i too suffered from a long bout of depression and am still suffering, and found that helped me. His morning routine is very slow, he doesn’t want to leave the house or wants me to stay home with him everyday but i manage to talk him into going to work to get his mind off of things. He starts off his mornings with ‘i can’t handle this, i dont want to be alone, and i am scared to leave you when i go to work. i think this is the worst morning ever. I dont know what i am going to do i can’t take it anymore.’ He’s gone to see his dr. quite a few times, he hasn’t been diagnosed with anything yet. He told his dr. he thinks its an anxiety disorder and so his dr. prescribed him Xanax, prior to this he was going to herbal route with St. John’s wort and drinking Chammomile tea to help calm his nerves and anxiety. I’m trying my hardest to be there for him but its hard when he doesnt want to help himself. He’s been told by the dr. to excersize and he just doesnt do it. He sits around when he comes back from work and thinks about what is depressing him and trys to do a reverse of thoughts in his mind because he feels guilty of something he’s done-mostly think he was in love with another woman. Once he battles and says to himself that its not true, he feels guilty that he was feeling that way. His dr. has referred him to a therapist, but it can take months before he sees him. The Xanax is not working and i’m not sure if its making it worse. He’s waking up then going back to bed until
I am ready to leave for work and leaves with me. He just sits and stares into space and in the morning its the worst I noticed. He tries to calm himself with heavy/deep breathing, but I see that he’s only making it worse for himself. He’ll break into tears, something i’ve never seen him do, in the 8+ years I have been with him. I don’t know if the wait to see a therapist is just going to be worse with him. I want to know what this is because I would love to have him on the path to a healthy recovery, but I am afraid that the longer it takes to see one, the worse he will become.

I am stuggling with depression, because my wife is also struggling depression. She knows and admites to having depression problems, but refuses to take medication. She is now blaming all her past and present problems on me. When I show love, rejects me. Counsoler says that she must make her own mind up about medication. Help! Please advise..

I am living with a husband that for the past five years has only worked 12 months, does absolutely nothing (does not take care of self or anything), has not even been out of the house for probably the last three years. We have two daughters, one to be 14 the other to be 7. He has been in is underware for over half of my seven year olds life. I cannot get through to him how he is effecting all of us. I am constantly angry and say probably the most terrible things I can say once I get started because I am so frustrated/angry. I would walk through fire for this man – and he will do nothing to save us. I have come to the conclusion that you cannot help/save those who don’t want to be helped/saved. He comes from a very disfunctional family and I don’t, my family was always a big part of our life now there is nothing. We used to live a life of enjoyment, now there is nothing. My girls are active in sports, which should be a dad thing, and yet he has missed the past four years. If we are not important to him to get help – what is? We will be married 17 years in October and I do take the for better or worse as how it should be…but I can’t do the worse anymore because that is all I have. I want him to want to help himself so that we can help each other. He is, for lack of a better word, jealous of the kids – I pay more attention to them than him. In my opinion they need the attention from someone and I am tired of asking him what he needs, what I can do for him and how I can help and constantly get nothing. I am constantly told that I don’t understand, which is not true I have made so many phone calls and done so many internet searches on the topic of depression that I can honestly say that I know too much. He doesn’t want to listen to me or take any of my advice. I work all day, run/take care of our girls, do all of the household chores (including grass cuttting and trash taking out) and it is very stressful for me. When I try to talk about this to him I get that “yeah, it’s all about you”. I am tired – mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually (I don’t believe I have any spirit left). All he says is it would be better if he weren’t around, so I say leave and he never does, because he has nowhere to go. It is now a marriage of convenience – his, because he does absolutely nothing. How do you help those who are not willing to help themselves. I need someone to talk to that can relate and understand what I am going through. I tried to make an appointment with a psychologist but the initial line of questioning did not go well with me – my upbringing and relationship with my parents has nothing to do with the situation I am in now, other than the fact that it supports that the relationship I am in is totally wrong.

Bev:
I found this site by accident and read it regularly. Your story sounds like I’m reading my own book. My advice, if you didn’t like the therapist you met with, find another. I did and it helps so much to just meet with her once in a while (time permitted). Just venting to a person who not judgemental and just listens – doesn’t point fingers, can’t understand why you don’t leave etc – she JUST LISTENS. It really helps. I’m still in the same situation, just like yourself, but talking to the right therapist can lift you spirits, even just a little. And I’m sure you can agree – a little is better then the nothing you are getting at home.

I am writing tonight because I am in so much emotional pain (again). My husband was recently hospitalized and for a few weeks, seemed like he was doing amazing. It has been such a nightmare for the past 3 years with his psychotic episodes and binge drinking (disapearing for days), that when I saw so much improovement, I was so happy.
Well, on Sunday, it happened again. A fight with his ex wife over money became him turning me into the target of his wrath and latest episode. This time he accused me of not respecting him becasue a guy he is jelous of subbed on my volleyball team, and i didnt leave the game.
I am pretty messed up> He is now saying for the 20th time that he doesnt know how he feels about us anymore, and if he should stay. I know he is sick, but come on. The punishment really doesnt fit the crime. I have put up with and helped this man through everything you can imagine. Not once have i threatened to leave. He treatens it every time things dont go his way. Sooo, now he is gone again. Staying at his parents, probably feeling sooo sorry for hiself and waiting for me to come and ask for forgiveness (again). Anyone been through this? Any ideas how to break this cycle?? I really dont know what the best thing to do is. The last time I didnt go after him, he attempted suicide.

Susie,
I feel for you so much. {hug} I came on crying as the depressed spouse feeling unloved and looking for info and support. I cannot imagine what you may be going through. I’ve been around a lot of mentally ill family members and friends , and he sounds like he is still having psychosis/paranoia. When my mom was paranoid, I wasn’t allowed to say hello to our next door neighbors b/c she thought they were somehow leeching off our electricity. When my BF’s bipolar hubby gets psycho he thinks she’s having an affair he’s followed her…all the way to Joann Fabrics LOL.

You didn’t say his diagnosis but i hope it bipolar or something else, not simple depression, otherwise they’re probably treating it incorrectly.

I have a 9 yr old son that can be the meanest nastiest person ever when he is unstable. those periods are like hell. But when the right combo of meds is found he settles down and we see the sweet kid we know and love.

I’d say first of all, I’m sorry this is happening to you. Second, if he is willing to accept and pursue treatment, I’d hang in there with him. It sounds like he needs to be re-hospitalized. Call and explain you believe he is a threa to himself based on prior behavior and that he is in a period of psychosis. In many area they have mobile crisis units that are better equipped to deal with mental health issues. A quick search for those terms and your county or town will find the answer. Anyway, Insurance co.s hate lomg stays, but you are his best advocate and can call them up and give them the WHY of why he needs a long stay(to get him truly stabilized), get his psychiatrist call, even his treating psychiatrist in the hospital. Fight for them to call the insurance and have them go up to bat for your husband.

That’s my two cents, I really hope you find some peace in this awful situation and I’ll be praying for you right now Susie=0)

Oh, I forget, just in case you don’t have one, make a binder of all his records from his psychiatrist with a diagnosis (just a basic session note has a diagnosis code at the bottom), prior hospitalization forms (get copies from the hospital if you can with his admitting problem ie psychosis or suicide). Then when they come you csn break out the binder and back up what you’re saying so they take you seriously. Good luck!

i have been married for 37years to a man with bi-polar disorder. I met hin in london, his parents were from Egypt with a Mediterranean background. i put his excessive highs and lows down to a “cultural difference”.
We fell in love and married and for much of the time enjoyed each other in every way. bi-polar disorder leads to great leaps of imagination and creativity in the “high” times and great negativity during the “lows”. i dealt with this with the exhuberance of youth and his career took off. Move on 20 years. Things haven’t worked out so well so my husband (previously undiagnosed) takes a knife and stabs himself 14 times. Knicks his heart, damages a nerve that controls his breathing and we move into the nightmare of psychiatrists, clinics, treatment that doesn’t work most of the time and two lives lost to this disease. On the plus we have (or I have) raised two beautiful daughters and shielded them from the worst. What am I trying to say? If I had my life again and knew as much as I do now, I wouldn’t have married him, but how could i deny my two wonderful girls that I love so much? My advice to all you spouses. if you can get out, run! If you can’t, it’s a long hard road with few rewards. it doesn’t get better. i am looking at a very sad and lonely old age. I am 64 and luckily am in a job where i can work part time and keep an interest outside this dark, horrible place I call home. Use your friends and try not to walk in your partner’s shoes. Empathy is destructive. i ended up under the same black cloud as my husband and had to work very hard to get out. Good luck all you brave spouses.

Looking for help out there!! My husband and i have been married for nearly 20 years. About two years ago my husband was diagnosed with Epilepsy and has had two grand mall seizers. He currently takes Lamictal and Kepra and they seem to be holding the seizers at bay, howver, for a solid year, he could not drive and had to rely on me to get him to work, etc. He occastionally has partial seizers where suddenly his words don’t come out right….this trauma has taken an emotional toll on both of us. Ever since he was diagnosed (and taking the meds)my husband seems to not be able to handle the normal pace of our daily lives with two active teenagers, he’s become controlling of me, and very agitated over what seems to be simple things. All his frustrations seems to be taken out on me. He’s absolutely convinced that the REAL problem is ME and can’t seem to even recognize his own emotions. I think it has become very obvious that he is projecting on to me (his wife). I’ve tired explaining this to him so many times and he just gets mad and feels “falsy accused”. A year and a half of this has taken it’s toll on my self esteem…just his constant ridicule of me. I have tried explaining this to him so many times but he just can’t see what he is doing! ‘ve been a stay at home mom for 15 years, serving my children and husband and church faithfully. And now, I feel like I am a failure. My husband can not see what he is doing….I am now recognizing that I am in a depression and will be getting meds to help me. My concern is, the situation with my husband is still present regardless of the meds I will take to help me. How do I get him to own up to what he is doing!! Or is it me that has the problem?!! I have prayed to God, pleading that HE’ll save our marriage. I see those that provide hope in situations in this forum are reying on God and HIS power! I, too, believe healing will have to come from the Lord. But, is there anything I can do? We’ve been in counceling, but my husband just puts on his “masks” (which he’s a master of) and acts all confident like he has it all together while he tries to exploit my emotions and reactions as being “extreme” showing I’m the one with the problem, not him. I can’t make my husband look inward!! HELP!!

Kelly, I think if you read over your comments, you will see that you have answered your own questions. You cant make anyone change or see the light. The only thing you have control of is yourself. Put his care into the hands of God. Get on with your life. I find that the more we push things, the more people resist. Hopefully one day he will figure it out. I am sorry this is happening to you. I am in the same boat and find that sometimes if we just leave people alone, they will find their way back. Susie

Susie,

Thank you for your comment back to me. My question is, how do you keep your self esteem up under these conditions?

Hi Kelly, I cant tell you how hard that has been for me. I struggle with it so bad each time my husband has an episode. These episodes are getting more and more frequent. I think I have always had low self esteem which caused me to get into this relationship in the first place. ( I thought i could save him).
I go to alanon, spend time with friends, play sports and run ,all the things I dont feel like doing to try and regain some type of life. Recently I started seeing an abuse councelor at the womens centre. I really feel like a large part of what he does is abusive.
Pray for guidance, and rely on Christians and friends and family for support. You would be surprised how many people are going through this but dont talk about it. There is an amazing book out there called “10 days to self esteem”. I just started it and know lots of people who it has helped. It is a workbook and really gets to the route of our self esteem problems.
The problem with relying on others for our sense of self is that it will never come. These people will always disapoint us, and our self esteem will come crashing down each time they do. I am really trying now to become a whole person despite my spouse. It is hard work, but in the end, I know it will change my life. I will pray for you. I know where you are at, and its horrible. Take care, Susie

I have recently met a wonderful man who would seem to be the perfect husband. After our third date, he admitted to his illness Depression. We talked about it and promised we would be honest about the illness and everything else. Well, I have just been through his first episode and it is so heartbreaking. I have a daughter and don’t know if I will be able to cope with it all. I read all the comments and think WOW!! Is this something I really want to put myself and my daughter thru? He is so wonderful and so loving but what happens from here?

PLO, how long had you been dating? What you see is what you get (generally). Can you live with it? Dont make the same mistake so many of us have and think we can “love them better”. As you can see by the comments, it doesnt work. Becky

I could really use some advice… My bi-polar husband has lost yet another job because of his alcoholism. The money that he was making was barely keeping up the bills, now I have to figure out what to do. He is offering no solution, only accusations that I am a B&$@! and that if I cared about him that I wouldn’t be upset that he lost his job because he hated it. That I should want him to be happy. When I left yesterday to go fill out applications for a part-time job (I already have a full-time job) I got accused of having an affair. WHY?!?!? Why do I have to put up with this paranoia? I just don’t understand, I am trying to keep us from losing the only car that we have and our home. Why am I being accused of having an affair? Why does he not see the stress that he is causing me? The only thing that I know to do is to find a second job for nights and weekends so that I can keep up with the bills and not have to go home. I just wanna cry. I was already doing so much and now this. I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and no one to help me carry it. The one person that should be helping me is lost in a world of self pity and delusions. What am I supposed to do? I don’t even want to go home. I could really use some advice on how to end this. I cannot go on living this way. If he is not going to be active member of the household then I cannot keep trying to help him. He has made no attempt to stop drinking, go back on meds, or find anything resemling a real job. Those were the terms of me coming home after I left last september, he had a year to do all of this on top of getting his license back. He has made no progress. Instead he has gotten worse.

Amber,

My heart goes out to you. Do you have a professional councelor that you can talk to? Also, do you know THE ultimate Healer Jesus?

I would like to know if there are any on-line support groups for spouses of depressed individuals. I am struggling because my husband of 35 years is depressed and is thinking of ending our marriage. He says he needs to change something to find some joy. I would be the easiest thing to change. Can anyone point me in the right direction?

Cheri, I am so sorry you are going through this. I am going to give you the best advice that was once given to me. Let him go. If he loves you, he will come back. My husband did the same thing and I was devastated! 1 year later he came back having reaized that it wasnt me after all (imagine that!). Well, by that time I had healed and had started a new life. One that was full of fun and new friends and activites, all the things I didnt do when i was with him. Little by little, the devastation disapated and I started to realize that I was actually starting to enjoy my life without him. I had spent so many years waiting for things to get better and to start living. When he left, i realized I may as well start living without him. Things improved and I noticed that I became happier than I had been in many years.
Well, of course he came back. Hat in hand. Guess he realized that its not so rosy out there after all. I said, sorry. I could never go back to that life. Him leaving was actually the best thing that ever happened to me. At the time it didnt seem like it, but now, looking back, all I can say is Thank God! Sometimes the things that seem the hardest and most painful at the time, are the very things we need. Good luck. Pray for strength and guidance. You will figure it all out. SB

I so sympathize with you all, I’ve been married for 30 years, my wife has both depression and psychosis for which she has been treated, however, here in the UK we have the good old NHS, but not so good when drugs are cut down to the minimum because of the cost. This leaves the patient to suffer some of the effects of their illness, and their spouses to suffer all! This may sound harsh, but my daughter and I go through it daily, both the accusations and ridicule, Sometimes wish I had the courage to end it all but that would just leave my daughter to suffer at the hands of her mother, so for the time being there’s just no way out but just survive this Hell.

I keep getting weird phone calls at late hours. They call 3 or 4 times each time, no message and no telephone number. I’m beginning to think it’s my ex-boyfriend (who’s clinically depressed) calling me. Is this typical? In the end of our relationship he became suspicious, secretive and very uncommunicative; I’d be talking to him and he’d walk off in mid-sentence. He would publically humiliate me. Is this the only way he feels he can “communicate”?

my husband was diagnosed about 10 years ago.he is in therapy and on meds but it doesn’t seem to be working.he used to be happy but the stress of his job makes him depressed and now he does say everyday i should just leave him or one day we will be divorced.it’s very lonely and i try to be supportive and understanding but it’s very frustrating when i am in a marriage alone taking care of our daughter who is 8 months.what do i do?

This will sound crazy. I wanna know if I am depressed or just in an unhappy marriage. I’ve been married 8 years. I am bored with my life and feel unhappy a lot. My husband and I have drifted apart. He is a nice guy, but I am not in love with him or sexually attracted to him. His family makes me sick (mother-in-law) bull crap! He lives in the basement, rarely comes upstairs. His personality sucks, but he doesn’t treat me awful. He just has no emotions. We haven’t had sex for 2 years. I feel like I live with a roomate. He takes care of me financially, but that is it! I know I have seasonal depression, so my dream is to move to Florida. He promised we would, but now has backed out. And, I resent him for this, so I make his life a living hell, esp. in th winter. I feel bad, but I just can’t help it. I feel like he is in my way of living somewhere that I want to desperately be. I am irritable all the time, very moody, anxious, have a difficult time starting and finishing tasks, take everything for granted, hate myself sometimes and other times I love myself, difficulty making decisions, sad and angry a lot, suicidal thoughts, and have thought about having an affair so that he would find out and divorce me. I think I feel this way because I am unhappy in this marriage, but I’m not sure. I don’t want to get therapy because I am against psych drugs. Is it possible that if I do leave him and move to Florida my depression will clear up if that is what I have. It might all just be related to my seasonal affective disorder and I am hoping that by living in Florida I will recover from this living hell. The funny thing is I get more depressed when I am around my husband than my friends and family. Please give me some advice.

I am a survivor of a manic depressed wife for 35 years. I came upon this site by accident, as I felt it was my own secret and nobody went through what I went through, the mental abuse, guilt for destroying her life the excuses I had to make for
her behavior, the nights spent alone crying and hurting and desperately wishing and dreaming she would hold and love me
and appreciate me. The hope she would realize I loved her and cared, that the 35 years spent caring for her was a commitment
of love and compassion, explaining to the children as they went though their growing stages to adult hood their mother suffered
major from depression due to a chemical imbalance, that is was not really her, as you held and embraced and cried with your children telling them it would be OK. The verbal abuse, threats of suicide, the giving and giving only to be expected. Knowing that this sickness went through 3 generations of her family and praying to God this would bypass your children. Not having common
friends to share life with. After retiring from a successful career as a police chief and knowing you are not welcome to be at home
Aad enjoy life like normal people, knowing the meds and addictions to sleeping pills and such have altered her personality, thus
you choose a new career to keep busy and normal. (oil industry Manager out of town back and forth). While sitting in your office one day and getting served with divorce papers totally blind sided, you realize you life and future has ended that she will not talk to you,answer the phone, E-mails, text messages that all you are left with is memories. This is what it is like married to a depressed spouse,but I do still love her, and she is the mother to my children. That you pray to God that you can endure what is left of your life, andp pray that somehow or some way God would look kindly upon you in your loneliness and help the bitterness and resentment you have felt all these years being a care giver.
Wayne

Wayne,

My heart goes out to you. You are a better man than I am. I was engaged to the most wonderful woman I have ever known for the past year. She was very open about her clinical depression when we first got together and I was so confident that we could get through anything together that I assured her it would be alright. She moved in with me about 8 months ago and after suicide threats, self injury (cutting) to deal with the emotional pain she was feeling and the depths of her despair, a suicide attempt (overdose of pills), and finally a physical assault on me for which she was charged. I finally had to tell her we were through. I miss her every minute of every day and I hate myself for “abandoning” her when she is at her lowest point. I know rationally that I couldn’t live this way for the next 30 or 40 years but my heart aches for her. I love the “real” her and I know this horrible disease is to blame as are the family member(s) who sexually abused her and her sisters and sentenced her to this hell that she just can’t seem to escape. She is on medication but that alone is not enough. Even with the counseling she needs she may never be “normal” by societies standards or able to be truly happy. I too experienced the verbal abuse and false accusations, was blamed for all the bad things in her life and even though I knew it wasn’t really her talking, that she was just in a low point, I found it hard not to say mean things back after hours of this. I will never forgive myself for walking away from her and even now in weaker moments I sit and think that perhaps I could live on this roller coaster with her. I just want to put my arms around her and tell her it will all be ok even though I know it won’t. I still want to marry her and grow old with her even though I know it would be more than I could handle. I feel very small for not being strong enough for her even though I know I can’t “fix” it for her or make her happy. I realize that these are things that she will have to accomplish for herself if it’s at all possible and I pray that she finds happiness in this life although I truly doubt she will. Wayne I admire your strength and commitment to your wife and I’m sorry you now find yourself alone but you should be proud that you stood by her all those years. I wish I was as strong. I will always love her and will always carry a sadness in my heart for all the dreams we had that will never be realized. I just hope this emptiness I feel will fade with time. It just seems so cruel and unfair to find someone you truly love that loves you back only to have this horrible disease rob you of the life you should be able to share. I’m sorry for rambling on like I have but I really needed to share my feelings and after reading all these posts I didn’t feel quite so alone. Thanks for sharing.
Mike

Mike and Wayne, thank you so much for your posts. I was in deep despair tonight (again)over my partners depression and alchoholism. He has once again disappeared from my life on a week long drinking binge and now is hiding in his parents basement in a psychotic state. Before i checked the new posts on this site tonight ,I was sitting at the computer with my head in my hands crying and praying to God for help and answers. Your posts really spoke to me. I love this man with everything i have, but I just cant go on like this. I dont want in 35 years to be left like you were Wayne. In the past 4 years of our relationship, he has left me about 15 times due to his illness and psychotic thoughts. Each time I am left picking up the pieces and barely functioning, trying to go to work and keep focused(I am a manager of a prison)until he decides to come back and we repeat the cycle again. The fear and anxiety between episodes is almost crippling. I know the stress has made me sick and I now have chronic GI problems and a bleeding ulcer. I am so sorry this happened to you both. Thanks for taking the time to write your stories. Susie

Susie,

So sorry to hear what you are going through. Walking away was and still is the hardest thing I have ever done. I have tried to rationalize everything to myself and convince myself that together we could work through the depression but I know that I have no control and that I cannot be responsible for her happiness and well being. She has to take responsibility for her life just as I do mine. I have spoken to counselors, friends, and taken a 10 week course on mental illness in an attempt to find a way to help her manage day to day so that we could have the life together that we had planned. At the end of the day the answer was always the same. There is no cure and the best that you can hope for is to be able to manage with what you have. What you see is what you get is what it came down to and I found myself sinking into despair as well. I worry every day about how she will manage, what she will do to herself, the pain and despair she must be feeling, the disapointment she must feel in me that I could leave her like that. I want to call her, I want to hold her and yes I still dream of the life we had planned together even though I know it will never be ( love doesn’t go away easily). As much as I love her I know that staying with her would only end up with both of us depressed and very likely in divorce. I want more than anything for her to find peace and happiness. She has as much right to be happy as any of us and yet I know it is unlikely that she ever will be. I would give anything to be able to make her “well” but I know that I can’t and that all I have control over is myself. Somehow that doesn’t help with the guilt I’m feeling or that I miss her so much but I know deep down it is the only choice I could make. I know it sounds harsh but I truly believe that you have to look after yourself. Susie, you have to do what is in your heart but ultimately you have to take care of yourself. I sit and cry by myself when I think of what might have been but I don’t let others see that. I know that time will heal but I will always love this woman and I pray that somehow she will find it in her heart to forgive me for not being strong enough to make that journey with her. If there is a god why does he let people suffer like that? She never did anything to deserve this. Susie, take care of yourself, the only thing you have control over is you. Should you decide to stay in this relationship or not, your mental and physical well being more important than ever. All the best and thanks for sharing.

Mike

Susie,

I wanted to share one more thing with you. I was told by a friend that has spent may years “existing” with a depressed spouse the following. She said at my age (I’m 48) I have earned the right to be myself but that if I chose to stay in this relationship i would never be able to do that. She was so very right. I was constantly walking on eggshells, second guessing everything I was about to say because i was afraid of how she might take it. Making excuses constantly to friends as to why we couldn’t make it to a social outing and basically isolating ourselves. I am now rebuilding those bridges with friends and they have been so wonderful and supportive. I have been very open about what has gone on and they have been there for me every step of the way. I let my work suffer and now I am in overdrive in an attempt to rectify that as well. I guess what I wanted to say is, you too have earned the right to be yourself. Make whatever decision you make for you and nobody else. It may be hard but at the end of the day it’s the right thing to do. If you don’t take care of you, who will?
Mike

Thanks for your comments Mike. I especially find it comforting that others are dealing with the same issues and that i am not alone.This site, and comments like yours have made me realize that i dont have to live like this and that there are definate patterns that our spouses follow. Tonight i took a stand. He called (because i refused to go looking for him), and was acting all pitiful saying how he is no good and that he just ruins everyones life. I went to his parents, sat down and told him exactly how i felt. I said I can no longer live like this and that this cant be my life anymore. I said he had a choice and in the end chose booze, self pity and refusing to get help over me, his kids (not mine), and his job. I said, I hope this life will make you very happy, and walked out. I hurt but really feel proud of myself for finally taking a stand and caring for myself. Thanks again for your help and comments, they really did give me strength! Susie

Susie,

I know that what you did was hard. It has been about three weeks since I ended the relationship I was in and I still have some very rough days doubting myself and the decision I made. It’s always easy to remember the good times, I have to force myself to remember the hard times and when I do that my rational side takes over and I know I did the right thing. While I still love her and I’m sure I always will in some way, I know that I will get through this and I do feel better as the days go by and I’m sure you will as well. As they say, times heals even if it doesn’t feel that way right now. It will get better and you have a right to be happy. It takes more strength to make the choice you did than to just continue on living with all the uncertainty and pain that has been your life for so long. Remember, you can’t love somebody better. Only they can make the choices that will help them get better. Take care of yourself and I’ll look forward to hearing in your future posts how your life is getting better for you (it will).
Mike

I have read every single post and find it very sad that we are all going through the same thing. My husband and I have been married for 5 years together for 7. I had no idea that it would be like this. I love him very much, but I’m tired of the negative attitude. He doesn’t want to do anything to progress in life. He doesn’t have a problem with alcohol or substances. He’s a really good guy, but he doesn’t take any responsibility for his actions. He always wants to change jobs, which makes me very nervous with the economy being what it is. He’s always taking classes and dropping them. He doesn’t want to do anything around the house and virtually everything is a “burden” to him. He told me that he has no reason to be happy. What about me and our son? I’ve tried being supportive and cheerful, I’ve tried tough love, I’ve tried threatening, but nothing seems to work. This weekend I’ll be moving out. I have no idea what he’s going to do about the bills, but he doesn’t really want to talk about it. All I can do at this point is put it in God’s hands. I love my husband and want it to work out, but this has been 5 years of ups and downs and it has gotten progressively worse. Reading some of your posts scares the hell out of me. What will my life be like in 20 years if I stay? Sad thing is I cant imagine my life without him 20 years from now.

So Confused,

I’m sorry you too are having to go through this. I know exactly how you feel, to love somebody and dream of your future together. To be unable to imagine not being with that person that has become so much a part of you. These are the same feelings and emotions that I went through and am still dealing with. I think it is important to realize that the future we have imagined with our spouse would never have turned out as we had hoped. As you yourself said, when you got married you never imagined it would turn out like this. I watched as the woman I love spiraled downward. It got to the point where it seemed we couldn’t go more than a couple of weeks without her sinking into that black hole again. It took longer and longer for her to climb out. I tried everything to make it better for her, going out for dinner, lunches, away for weekends, out to the movies, fresh flowers every week. These are all things I loved to do for her, to do together but it’s not real life. They are nice breaks but there is work and bills to pay. She didn’t have any motivation to go to work. She would mention it occasionaly but never seriously. Even then I didn’t mind, I could manage the day to day expenses but it left her too much time doing nothing and thinking. When she was feeling well, she was a pleasure to be around but it became less and less frequent. Many nights she would sleep in the spare room and I was left wondering what was wrong or what I had done. It got to the point that I was getting depressed and starting to feel like I was a bad person, had failed her in some way, hadn’t done enough for her. When I finally sat and thought rationally about everything I realized that I couldn’t live another 5 years this way, let alone 35 years. I knew I had to save my own sanity and if that sounds selfish so be it. I just want to be happy, I don’t think that’s too much to ask. It has been very hard at times, I miss her so much but each day gets a little easier and the more I talk to people who have been in this type of situation the more certain I am that I made the right choice. Try to stay positive, lean on your friends, keep busy, I can’t stress the busy part enough. The more you sit and think, the harder it is. And, if you are anything like me, I always think of the good times, the wonderful things we shared. I have to force myself to remember all the negative and there was plenty. Once I put things in perspective, I feel much stronger and it makes it easier to get through the day. Like I said, it gets better bit by bit but it does get better. I find it very helpful to read the posts here and know that I’m not alone in this. This is much more common than I would ever have believed. Good luck, stay strong and I’ll look for your future posts telling how life is getting better.

Mike

Thanks Mike. I see what you said to Susie about having to force yourself to remember the bad times. I find that very hard when he’s acting normal. Of course, since I said I was leaving, he has been acting very upbeat and happy. I know he is doing this to keep me home. When he does this I feel guilty and second guess myself wondering if I’m making too much of it and if I just relish this good time it will get me through the down time. I know that this will not work.

How are you doing with everything?

So Confused,

I know what you mean. When there is an upbeat moment, you start to question as you say whether perhaps it will make up for the down time. I went over and over that so many times and the down time became more frequent and darker it seemed. She would threaten suicide and tell me she wouldn’t be a burden much longer. After the recent suicide attempt and then the complete melt down where she attacked me I couldn’t deny the truth any more (even though I still tried), that this was a pattern that was destined to repeat itself over and over. I was feeling very guilty about “abandoning her” at her lowest point and when I made this statement to a friend who has been through somthing similar, she made an interesting point. She said “this isn’t her lowest point, this is her life and this is how it will always be”. That only reinforced everything I have read or been told about this disease. The other thing to keep in mind is that they can be very manipulative. Just because they are suffering with depression doesn’t mean they are stupid. They will say and do what they have to to get the reaction or result that they want. When I took the the 10 week course to try and better understand depression they spoke alot about how the depressed person will push your buttons until they get the reaction they want just so they can say see I told you so! I found this to be very true. As much as I hate to admit it, after having mean hurtful things said to me for hours and sometimes days on end I found myself retaliating in kind, saying nasty things back to hurt her as much as she was hurting me. It’s easy to say don’t take it personally, it’s the disease talking. It’s another thing entirely to be a verbal punching bag for hours without lashing out yourself. I’ve come to realize that my friend was right when she said I would never be able to be myself living with a depressed person. Not only are you walking on those eggshells all the time afraid to “set them off”, when you find yourself starting to act and behave as they are then you know you are being dragged down and it’s time to re-evaluate the situation. I am by nature a fairly upbeat person but I found myself feeling down more and more. I still miss her but every day I’m feeling a little better and I keep telling myself that the best part of my life is yet to come. Yes I have to force myself to remember the bad times still but with each day I find it a little easier to be objective. Like others on this forum have said I wish there was a support group where we could sit and talk but there doesn’t seem to be anything of the sort in my area. In any event I’m grateful for the communication with yourself and the others here, it has been very comforting to know I’m not the only one going through this. Be strong for yourself and lean on who ever you need to. Friends and family might surprise you with how supportive the can be. Take care and I’ll look forward to hearing how you are doing.
Mike

I give everyone credit for their support of their spouses. I have been on both sides of depression both with my own and dealing with my spouse’s depression. I went through counseling and medication and am able to deal with everything. My spouse is now in a cycle of depression that has lasted almost a year. I will pass along some advice to those dealing with a depressed spouse that came from my therapist. It is important to recognize this is a disease and support your spouse; however, not at the expense of yourself and your children. I am not encouraging anyone to leave (I have not) but to have a plan in case it comes to that point. It helps deal with some of the fear of “what if this never gets better” Plan how you would support yourself, care for your kids, where you would go if you moved out. Not that this will happen, but it gives you a less fearful perspective on the situation. I don’t personally plan on leaving at this point, but I have given thought to how things would be managed if it became necessary.

Just an update on my situation. I have decided not to leave, although I am now having second thoughts. I dont want to tell my husband that I changed my mind again because I think it’s unfair to put him on the emotional rollercoaster that I have been on. Anyway, the weekend has gone by and although he said he’s going to make an effort to change, I saw no real effort. He slept for the entire weekend. We spent no real time together. I actually spent a lot of time with our son and my friends. What is scaring me the most is that I now find that I dont feel like I like him very much. I think that had I left for a while the time apart would have made me see the good in our relationship. Instead, in staying, I am focusing on the bad.

So to sum it all up, I’m still confused. Hope everyone else is doing better. Mike thanks for the advice, maybe next time I’ll be smart enough to take it.

So Confused,

It really has nothing to do with being smart enough to take advice. I really do feel what you are going through and I know it’s very hard. The only advice you should really take is when I said make whatever choice you make for yourself and nobody else. Obviously at this point in time you aren’t sure about leaving and that’s ok. You’ll do what is right for you when the time is right. I know all to well how hard it is to make that decision. I still have moments daily where I think about all the plans we had made for our future and I get a little sad but then I force myself to come back to reality and I know it would never have worked out as I envisioned. I know that that emotional roller coaster would have continued and I wasn’t prepared to live the rest of my life that way. My daughter was home from university for a visit and she said “dad, even though you are sad and you miss her, I can see how your stress level has gone way down and there is no more tension in this house”. That pretty much sums it up. Yes I am still sad sometimes for dreams not realized but I will get over that. The stress was so much harder to live with. At the end of the day, look after yourself and your health because no one else will. Whether you stay or leave and when will be your choice, as it should be. You’ll make the right choice for your situation and everything will work out. Just don’t be afraid to think of yourself sometimes. It’s too easy to get into that rut of trying to make everything better for our spouse and in the end we can’t do it anyway. Good luck with everything and I’ll look forward to your updates. Take care.
Mike

I posted my comments about my situation here a number of months ago. I now have my own sad update to give. My story rings the same as all others. In a nut shell he is not the same man I married 27 years ago. The frustration and heartache has been unbearable. I have been begging my husband to get help for almost 2 years. He took a mutually agreed significant cut in pay about 2 years ago with the deal he was going to get healthy and address his issues due to his reasoning it was all about the job. Of course he never did. We went to Mexico in May and I had some hope that we would have the beautiful romantic fun time on the trip (like we did every year we went somewhere) and I could possibly get through to him or at least have his undivided attention. I wasn’t expecting a miracle but really thought this time alone away from it all would be very helpful. What I didn’t expect was he spent nearly the entire time in the suite watching television. With the exception of feeding times and one day into town I basically spent the entire time in Cabo alone. It was very lonely and disappointing to say the least. We trudged through the next few months spiraling downward. I took care of everything, as usual and continued to beg him to see the light. Well, he lost his job 4 weeks ago. He was fired due to lack of ability to keep up the pace of goals. NOT a good time in the economy to get fired from a job, that’s for sure. I transferred all the health care policies over to my group insurance, I told him that he needed to get a physical in order to be on my insurance policy (he has serious blood sugar issues that he refuses to address and I am quite certain he is now a full blown diabetic now) but he has actually downright refused to see a Dr. even after I made the appointment for him. I told him that we only need to address the blood sugar right now, convinced that once he starts feeling better he would be able to cope better. I told him that he is heading toward a medical disaster and he will bury us financially without the insurance coverage. He didn’t care. He still refused. We worked so hard together all these years. Raised our children, now reaping the benefits of grandchildren and a beautiful, comfortable home, virtually no debts with the exception of house and cars, the ability to travel somewhere new once a year. I told him he was risking losing it all – he didn’t care. I gave him the ultimatum – his health and our life back or he needs to get out of my life. He chose to leave this past Friday.
Mike, I have been reading your posts and just can’t get over how everything you are saying you have been through and are going through is a carbon copy of my life. The guilt, the anger, the tears, mourning the loss of my future with this man that I invested so many years with. I am strong one minute and a puddle the next.
I have a pretty good job that I love and make a comfortable living on my own. I am only 48 years old with a whole lot of life left in me. I can’t let him take me down. I won’t allow it. Mike, you nailed it right on the head with your comments about looking out for yourself. I HAD to take a stand for my life. But, it hurts so badly. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring – I can only take this one day at a time.
I so wish there was a local support group for face to face support with others in this situation. I have been to counseling for myself but they really just stare at me and keep telling me I need to take care of myself. I KNOW THAT!!! Anyone on this blog live in the state of Wisconsin??
Yes, this hurts but I am certain I will somehow get through this.
thanks for listening.

Diane,

So sorry to hear what you are going through. Yes it hurts, more than anything I’ve ever gone through. It’s amazing how emotional pain can hurt physically so much. Even though it may not seem like it right now, things will get better for you, it’s just going to take some time. We’re the same age and at 48 we have a whole lot of living left to do. The fact that you have a job you enjoy and are able to take care of yourself is wonderful. Try to focus on all that is good in your life, children, grandchildren, your job and as I mentioned in one of my earlier posts, lean on friends and family and they’ll help you through. Unfortunately I’m not in Wisconsin otherwise I’d love to sit down over a cup of coffee and chat. I’m in Ontario Canada. I know what you mean about the counseling, I think it’s more helpful to talk to someone who has or is going through the same thing. Take care and I’ll look forward to your posts.
Mike

Diane,

Sorry my last post was so short. I just popped onto the site while I was in the office and wanted to respond but I didn’t have much time. The thing that seems so common in all these posts and yours is no different is how the depressed person refuses to accept resposibility for themselves. Somehow in their mind everything becomes someone elses fault and in most cases that fault falls to us, the spouse that is trying so desperately to be supportive. It’s an awful responsibility to try and carry that weight along with being responsible for ourselves along with children, jobs etc. The roller coaster of emotions doesn’t end as soon as you part company with the depressed person unfortunately. Parting in itself is hard enough emotionally and then we have to go through all the stages of mourning over and over again it seems. Each time I revisit one of these emotions be it guilt, anger, sadness or whatever it does seem to sting a bit less, I just wish I could speed that process up somehow. The other thing I’m having a hard time with right now is the time of year. I was so looking forward to Christmas this year, cutting the tree, cooking together, all the things that a couple can enjoy together. I know I have so much to be thankful for and I’m looking forward to spending time with my children (21 & 17) but somehow I just can’t get excited like I had in the past. I know in time it will get better so I have to be patient. Once again I have to say how grateful I am for this site and too all of you who share your stories so that we all don’t feel so alone. I hope we all get through this painful time sooner rather than later and that we all become stronger and are able to be happy again. Onward and upward!
Mike

Hi Mike,
Thank you for your responses. you probably know all too well what speaking to or hearing from someone in the same boat is worth. Oh my god, the emotions are out of control. One minute I am fine, strong, independent and the next I am breaking down behind closed doors or with a close friend. I am sure the sting will get less painful. But I too wish I could speed the process up. It is just so very sad. I LOVED that man, and still do. I gave him so much of myself so freely. I had it all and now it’s gone. Oh yes, the holidays… tomorrow (thanksgiving) will be my first in 27 years without him. My sons and their families will be coming over so that will help. I am going to ask my sons if they want to call their dad (he is at his mothers house about 3 hours away)to say hello and wish him well and let him know they miss him. This is not about taking sides. Dad is not well at this time and he is not the dad that raised them. It is the illness speaking and acting right now, not the man that we knew and loved. We also have our first grandson turning 1 year old in 2 weeks. It will break my heart and my son’s heart if “Grandpa Dude” doesn’t show up. He was sent an invitation and it is not being held at my house so I can only hope that he will show up. I informed a couple neighbors yesterday of what is going on. I did that so they know that I am alone in the house. Just in case. Funny, this house that I love and treasure suddenly turned into a cold empty cavern. It hurt to tell them but I know I did the right thing. They are very supportive and I just feel better knowing that someone may be looking out for me. I travel this time of year for work rather extensively so aside from being alone when I am home the house will be empty with the exception of someone coming to take care of my dog. I am going to Maui next week and looking forward to grabbing some down time to unwind. Yes, this is work but I scheduled myself 2 days earlier than my program dates so I will have some time to chill. Too bad Ontario is so far from Whistler – I will be in Whistler at the end of January.
Well, I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday and you are able to spend the time with your kids. Know that there are those of us suffering the same pain at this time. In a strange way that sort of gives us (or me) comfort. We really are not alone. Enjoy your day, I will think of you and all others and toast to better days for all of us.

Hi Diane,

The emotions are the toughest thing to deal with. Like you I’m up and down but it is getting better. Unfortunately her things are still here in my house and because she was charged with assault she has to co-ordinate with the local police a time to come and move everything out. I know that I’m going to find that very hard (it’s so final) but I need to move on and I really can’t do that with all her things around me. I’ve pretty much packed everything up which in itself was hard, it felt like I was invading her privacy. On a happier note I’m glad to hear you will be with family on your Thanksgiving (in Canada we had ours in October so no long weekend for me) and I’m really envious of your trip to Maui, I could use that right now Actually, we had planned to get married on the beach in Hawaii without telling anyone, just come home from a holiday as husband and wife. Oh well, I would still love to visit there some day. I’ll be in Daytona Fl in March for bike week, motorcycling is my passion so I’m really looking forward to that break. I wish it was earlier in the year so I could be out riding more, it’s the best form of therapy I’ve found and even though I ride year round the bike stays in the garage when it’s snowing like it is this evening. Actually, like you I have a dog (Shepherd Dane X) and he is good therapy as well and an excellent listener. I’ve never been to Whistler, it’s about 2,700 miles from me (wish it was much closer) but any of my friends that have been have loved it. Are you going for business or to ski? As for the house being cold and empty, same here. I don’t really enjoy being home right now so I try and keep busy. Well I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving and a great trip to Maui. Have a drink with a little umbrella and think of me here in the cold. And yes it may be strange but knowing others are going through this gives me comfort as well. Take care and I’ll look forward to those better days you are toasting to. I know they are on their way.

Mike

Hello All,

(Sorry in advance for the long post.)

I did decide to move and signed a 6 month lease. I have also began the process of moving my things out. Even my husband’s therapist said it was for the best. He has changed medication and is going to try to get better. I am so angry though. Not at him, but at his family. His mother and sister had a “talk” with him and basically made it like I was a bad person for leaving. (Remember, my leaving is an attempt to save our marriage before it gets any worse.) The thing is that they dont even know him. He talks to his mother once every two weeks at best and his sisters every month or two. The only reason why he talks to them as often as he does is because I encourage him to do so. My husband complains about the house and how it makes him depressed (he also complained about every class he has taken and job he has had) and their answer is for him to leave what it making him depressed and stick me with it!!! Apparently its unfair that he is stuck taking care of the house. But there is a catch, I am helping him pay all the bills to make his financial situation better!!! Against even his therapist’s advice!!! Oh yeah, but I’m the bad person. His mother thinks he should move in with her. Did I mention that his whole family has a problem with depression?!? His mother is a recovering alcoholic. I dont think, nor do I think his therapist would think, that going to her house is what he needs to make himself better. His mom is always crying about this or that, how her life sucks, how she gambled all of her money away, how she’s getting old. The sister is always yelling and cursing and pissed off about everything. THE WHOLE FAMILY IS LIKE THAT, but the best thing to do would be to move closer to them. I also take offense to them saying that marriage is for better or for worse and I’m somehow bailing on him. I spent the ENTIRE day with him yesterday. I told him that he can come to the new apartment and visit, the only rule is that he cant bring his black cloud into the apartment. (I do have a 10 year old child to take care of.) Oh yeah, I didn’t mention the fact that my child is not my husband’s biological son, but he has raised him for the last seven years of his life. If you read my earlier posts, you’ll see that I said that I think that my husband is a great man, it’s just the depression that poisons our family. Well the mother and sister of course bring up the fact that he took care of my kid. Well I took care of him!!! Often times mothering him. My husband knew I had a child. I make more money than he does so I feel that I have more than contributed to the household. And honestly, our son has been an outlet for my husband when he is sometimes feeling depressed. (When I’m not around, and he’s not down, he spends his time with him.) I could go on for days but I think I’ll leave it at this, for now. Thanks God for this forum!

So Confused,

Try not to let the guilt trip from his family make your decision to take care of yourself any harder than it already is. I applaud you for making the choice to do what’s best for you and your child. It’s so easy for someone on the outside to say it’s “for better or worse” and you should stay at all costs. I might have even thought that way myself if I hadn’t lived it. No one could have prepared me for what depression is really like and the toll it can take on a relationship. I’m sure you would agree. I said in one of my earlier posts about how manipulative they can be as well. You have no way of knowing what he has told his mother and sister in their conversations. In my situation, I was always encouraging her to talk to her sisters and go out for lunch or shopping with them, I really thought that an outing with the girls might help her mood. She always told me how they had betrayed her and said nasty things to her or behind her back and that she didn’t want anything to do with them. It turned out that in reality she was telling her sisters that I didn’t want her talking to them. She also made other comments to them that were very negative. Fortunately they know me and didn’t believe her but needless to say I was stunned. After I tried so hard to be supportive, to hear these things felt like a huge betrayal and still does. So, as I said, take care of yourself and your child. Maybe his moving in with his mother would give her a chance to truly experience what his depression is like. If he gan get himself better and you are able to save your marriage that will be wonderful. Just don’t expect things to happen quickly, it seems to be a long process and in the meantime you should concentrate on your health and well being and that of your child. Whatever happens, you will be ok and with time it will become less painful. Good for you for taking the steps to help yourself and your situation and I wish you all the best. Thanks for sharing your story, as Diane said, there are a lot of us going through this, you really are not alone.

Mike

To all on the discussion group

I came on feeling sorry for myself due to the stresses and strains of living with a depressed partner only to realise that I am lucky: what I am coping with is nothing by comparison. I have been so moved by the courage and tenacity of you all.

I just have a couple of comments to contribute:

Firstly, I know from experience that if your partner is truely willing to try everything to get better (which includes lifestyle decisions as well as medication and therapy), their depression can lift – or disappear entirely – for years at a time. I know this isn’t always true but it’s important to remember that not every clinically depressed person has to remain in that state forever. And if they choose not to try, it’s their responsibility, not yours.

And secondly, to those of you who feel obliged by the marriage vows to stay with your partner, please remember that the marriage vows were invented by men, not by God. They are a contract between two people and, like any contract, if one person doesn’t keep to their word then the contract becomes null and void. So if your depressed partner is not loving and honoring you (and depression can be a very convenient excuse for simple selfishness and emotional cruelty) you are not morally obliged to keep your side of the contract. There’s enough guilt involved in all this without adding extra!

My thoughs are with you all.

I also came on feeling sorry for myself due to my depressed spouse. I was looking for a support group that I could share my situation with and to get ideas on how to get through this. I’m amazed by all the stories out there and by the strength that so many of you have shown. My wife has been in an episode for about 3 weeks now (it feels like an eternity) and there is no end in sight. After reading the experiences of those of you on the forum, I can see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel if the depressed person is willing to seek help.

I have to be honest though. While this forum has helped in letting me know I’m not alone in dealing with this type of situation, it has also scared me to death. It is frightening to think this may go on for months (likely) and maybe even years. I am madly in love with my wife and will do anything to help her through this. However, the strain is sometimes unbearable (and I’ve only been going through this for 3 weeks!) and I’m worried about my long-term ability to cope. We do have a 6 year old daughter and she has been a ray of light for me. I’ve really been focusing on her and keeping her happy since my wife really doesn’t want me to be around her and wants her space (she says being around me makes her sad…which of course is heartbreaking to hear). I do have a few questions if you don’t mind:

1) Is it common for the depressed spouse to push away their significant other? It seems she can still spend time with her friends (or at least put on a facade). With me, however, I seem to get the full brunt of it.

2) Any coping strategies that you might suggest?

3) I plan on seeking counseling and should have something set up this week.

4) I’m worried that she is dragging me down with her. I love her so much and would do anything for her. Other than couseling, any other suggestions?

Thank you for your time. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

LoveMyDepressedWife,

Sorry to hear you’ve joined our ranks. There are more of us out there suffering with our loved ones than I would ever have believed. Yes it is scary when you read the posts here. In speaking with others and counselors and in everything I’ve read it appears that some do manage to get through their depression but for most it seems that it is more a matter of learning to live with it in one way or another. Medication together with therapy and a loving supportive network of family and friends can work wonders. Unfortunately for some and I fall into this category, the disease seems to progress and their loved one continues their descent into that black hole. Like you, I loved my fiance more than anything in this world (still do) but I couldn’t help someone who wouldn’t take the steps to help themselves. There was a lot of denial, a lot of blame mostly directed at me and lies as well. She continually pushed me away when she was in a down phase only to become the most wonderful loving woman when the cloud lifted. Unfortunately that cloud seemed to get darker with time and more frequent. After she had her complete melt down and was charged with assault (on me) I still believed that we could get through it but it became more obvious every day that it wasn’t going to get any better and I just couldn’t live like that any more. I found that I was starting to become depressed myself and that scared me. When I told her I couldn’t do it anymore she begged me to reconsider and I almost buckled then but I’m thankful I didn’t. Even though I miss her like crazy I’m actually feeling stronger every day. I still have weak moments but I’m getting better at dealing with those as well. As for advice on how to cope. The best thing you can do is take care of yourself! You need to be in a good frame of mind if you are going to be able to support your wife. Do the things you enjoy even if you have to force yourself to get off the couch. Do things together with your daughter, she probably needs that as much as you do. It’s amazing how much children absorb even though we don’t realize. A lunch date with your little girl or a couple of ice cream cones will do you both the world of good. Get that counseling as well and that will help. If you can find a support group in your area to sit down with people in similar situations that would be excellent. Fresh air and exercise help as well as do a good nights sleep although I know that can be tough at times. Good luck and I hope to hear how things are getting better for you and your wife in the very near future.

Mike

Thanks for the response Mike. It is difficult and I can appreciate the difficult decision that you made. In my case, since we are married, I’m going to definitely stick it out. I think the toughest part to handle is her total indifference to me. She seems to be okay talking to her friends and clients at work. However, with me, there is no emotion at all in her. She says she loves me but won’t kiss me (on the cheek but not the lips) and it almost seems forced. I really feeling the lack of affection right now. It feels so empty inside but I have to keep telling myself that it will pass (I’m praying that it will). Anyways, thanks for letting me vent and thanks for the words of encouragement.

LoveMyDepressedWife:

I understand exactly how you feel. Three years ago my husband was going through one of his down times. He felt guilty about everything and felt the need to tell me every bad thought he had. This included every woman thought was attractive and had sexual thoughts about. The first, second, third and fourth times I told him that it’s normal to find other people attractive. I find other people attractive too, but that doesn’t mean that I am going to sleep with them or that I love him any less. Well he found the guilt extremely hard to deal with and kept telling me. Eventually, I began to feel unattractive and hurt by it all. His therapist told me; however, that it is not him that’s talking. When he is depressed it is not the same person. We worked through it and things were better for a while. He hasn’t done that since.

It didn’t end there though. We have had several down periods since then. Some lasting for a month some for longer. It’s really rough. I too take my marriage vows very seriously. I dont want to walk away. Even though we are separated now, it is with the intent to work things out. Maybe since our son and I are gone he will want to try harder. What I am very fortunate about is that he does know that he has a problem. It’s a lot like someone who is a recovering addict. People like my husband are always going to be battling those demons and they just may relapse.

You are going to have to be strong for your daughter. You are going to have to compensate for your wife’s failure to provide a happy environment. I had to do that with my son. Another thing you may want to explain later when you feel that your daughter can understand, is your wife’s illness. Eventually your daughter will blame herself. She may try her hardest to make your wife laugh or to be a good girl. You have to explain to her that it is not her fault. I did that with my son. We surfed the net together and read about depression. Now he says “dad’s depressed again” when my husband is down. He doesn’t beat up on himself.

Good luck with everything. I’ll pray for you and your family. If BOTH of you are willing to work at it, you can make it.

Wow, what a difference a night makes. Last night my wife initiated contact with me (hugs, affection, etc..). This was a big surprise. Now, she wasn’t overly emotional during this time but she was definitely making the effort. I’m not sure if she was doing it for me or for her but it was definitely welcome. I think what happened was that one of her friends who has gone through depression told her she needs to still show me affection, even when she doesn’t feel like it, to help me stay strong for her and to help maintain my mental well-being. If this is the reason, that’s okay because maybe it helped her too. Maybe it was a reminder of how it feels to be like that with me. If it helped in the least bit, that would be great. As far as for me, it totally recharged by batteries. I felt like a cell phone that was running on empty. The affection she showed me completely recharged me and reaffirmed that I am going to stay in this for the long haul.

I realize that things could change again today (she seems more indifferent again today) but I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. So now I’ll see where this roller coaster ride takes me today and everyday hereafter. Thanks again for all the support. I truly appreciate everyones’ words of encouragement.

i last posted in july, and it’s amazing to me how many people have shared their stories since then. i have been able to connect with some stories and wanted to shed a glimmer of hope in the midst of the sadness. my husband of 4 years has been depressed for much longer and started seeing a therapist a little over a year ago. i wasn’t sure how much it was helping, but we’re starting to see progress, i think. i also recently started seeing a therapist because i was starting to sink into a depression and was very close to leaving but not having the courage to do it.

therapy has been an important part of improving our relationship. in the recent weeks, we have become intimate again and are able to talk more about ‘us,’ something we hadn’t done in years. and it has been initiated by him! i had forgotten how it felt to have a feeling that HE cared, not just me.

i hear you, “lovemydepressedwife,” every little thing can make a difference. sweet words, a kiss, him making the effort to make dinner or do the laundry. i cling to every little thing because those have been so few in the last several years.

i guess i just want to say that things can change when both parties are able to step back and see that they both have to do something about that change. for us, therapy and time have helped. i haven’t been this happy in a long time– maybe even since we got married, actually.

sk,

I’m really happy to see your positive post (I’m a little envious I have to admit) and I think you hit the nail on the head. The change can begin when you both want to do something about the problem. If the depressed person won’t take the steps to help themselves then any attempt by the other half almost becomes futile. I really wish my fiance had been willing to go for therapy. She would take her medication and then out of the blue would stop only to sink into the abyss again. When I mentioned counseling or therapy, she would respond that she had talked to counselors and they didn’t help. When I took a course offered by the mental health association in my area to better understand deppression she got angry and told me she didn’t want me going to those meetings, that I would only end up meeting someone “normal”. When I told her I needed to go for my own understanding and that I wanted to be as supportive as I could, she destroyed all the literature that they gave me at the course. They were very understanding and replaced all the information for me and I still believed that if I did all I could eventually she would want to take the steps to help herself as well. I really wish she had but as I’m sure you’ve read it didn’t work out in my case. It sounds to me like your husband is ready to do what he needs to do and with you supporting him I hope you can get through it together. Good luck!
Mike

Well, I thought I’d leave another update. I moved out two weeks into my own apartment and my husband has been staying at the house. It has been great! Not because I dont have to see him anymore, but because he has changed tremendously. We are getting along better than we have in a long time. My son and I being gone has made him WANT to work on himself. Instead of resenting him or not being attracted to him, I am very attracted to him and am enjoying him so much. I’m so happy that I made the decision to step back before things got worse!

Hi My husband has finaaly sought help after what feels like a lifetime of misery for his depression. It has been getting worse for the last 2 yrs and I am now at my wits end. I feel as If I have been pushed and pushed and pushed so far that I dont think I can ever get back to where we started 13yrs ago, when we were both in love and happy. I have been giving it my all for the last 5mnths and now am feeling so low that I do not know how I can carry on. I am also so scared that I am his crutch and that if I finally have the courage to leave he will do something stupid. I have been pushing my feelings to one side about how unhappy I really am and hoping that they would go away but they always end up coming back. It sounds very selfish I know but surely I deserve a chance to be happy again and life is so short that we only have one shot at it. I dont want to look back in another 10yrs and realise I should have had the courage to change things.

Domino:

I’m sorry that you are going through this. I’m sure everyone here is. I know exactly what you mean about looking back and realizing that things could have been different. I’m not sure if you read but I left my husband. I also realized that I was enabling him by trying to be EVERYTHING. In my mind I was just trying to make him happy. That’s not what they need. They are not children, they are our spouses and we should treat them as such. I believe in standing by your vows but you also have to look out for you. In no way am I suggesting that you leave your husband, but I know from experience that you can lose your mind dealing with this or at the very least yourself.

Good luck with everything.

My husband was medically discharged from the airforce in 2002 for a heart condition that they can’t fix and can’t find the actual cause. He’s lost his job as cop and the job he had after graduating ITT. He can’t work because he’s a liability risk. On top of this he has about 30 other illnesses, such as osteoperosis and infertility. Most of these problems, including the depression was pre-existing (before our marriage) and things are horrible some days and okay the next and some days are great..its just a rollercoaster and Im driving 2 hrs a day to work and back and I come home in the evening and do all the chores before I can relax; its starting to take a toll and I don’t know what to do or what to think. He gets mad and yells sometimes when I want to make love and I get so upset and frustrated. I feel unwanted and unappreciated

As so many other before me on this page have said, it is remarkable the fires you all have walked through for your spouses.

I found this site after the last argument with my wife that resulted in another plea from me for intervention/therapy.

My wife and I have been married for three years. She suffers from intermittent depression, body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) and mild OCD. She lives in a state of worry and panic over things she cannot control. She is perpetually late because her routines of checking and re-checking make her unable to leave the house on time. She is hyper-concerned about cleanliness and watches my every move to see if I might track something into the house or if I might drop a crumb while eating. If you remember the scene in “American Beauty” where Kevin Spacey tries to get his wife to be intimate on the couch and she worries that he might spill a drop of wine on it – well, that IS my life.

I have come to realize that we have no intimacy. Anytime I ty to do something with her, the moments that are supposed to be “shared” are usurped by her obsession with wiping the crumbs off the restaurant chair before sitting or inspecting the silverware – and forget it, if she gets a booth, the night is truly ruined because she won’t be able to concentrate on anything else but what might lurk in the cushions.

We have non-intimate sex 1-2 times a month. We are young and healthy. She is beautiful and has nothing to worry about with her body. She goes to the gym religiously, trying to improve an imagined flaw in her appearance, but she spends no time trying to be intimate. She has been unable to get pregnant and we don’t know if it is the lack of trying or something else.

Everything is fine for her if I fake my happiness. She does her routines and the days melt away. I have worried that I have become complicit in her ills, as so many on this board have said. If I address my unhappiness, she makes my life a living hell and she projects out to her family that I have been mean to her. The control is unreal.

Everything that I have ever wanted to do for myself (which I am coming to understand is vital for my survival), she “filters” – if it doesn’t disturb her life, then it is okay. If it does disturb her life, then I face a fury of resistance that is unparalleled. I am worried that I have started to sink into my own depression.

She has tried various medications. They did nothing but turn her into a zombie. She has been in therapy, but it seems that the issues (depression/OCD, BDD) still overcome her.

I know that my spouse’s issues aren’t as severe as many on this board, but I’m terrified of living the rest of my life like this.

I posted back on September 30 about my husband and his depression. I have an update…I made an appointment with a local psychologist (only one in area on our insurance), I had to wait two weeks before they were accepting new patients and then it took another four weeks to get in for an appointment. I told my husband of this appointment and simply stated that if he did not keep the appointment that either he was to leave our house or that me and our two girls were leaving the house and that I would then file for a divorce. Long story short my husband kept the appointment and since November 18 my life – our lives – has done a total turn around. I think that it hit the spot having him have someone other than me tell him how his behavior is affecting me and our children and that he does not deserve the life he was living. There have been two visits to this doctor and it is nothing like a psychiatrist is portraied on TV or in movies. My husband was prescribed two drugs and he tells him in six months that he will be totally off of them or on a minimal dose to maintain. For all of you out there I say don’t give up and that tough love (ultimatums) are sometimes what is needed to push them through. I know there is still work to do for both of us but he also knows that he doesn’t want to go back where he was. I wish everyone who posts on this site the best of luck and love because these issues are not easy on the people who love the ones who are affected.

My wife’s first bout with depression was 17 years ago — post partum. Very bad. I could not leave her alone with the baby and had to take a month off of work kind of bad. I took her to a psychiatrist who prescribed an anti-depressant, and like flipping a light switch she was cured.

Unfortunately, nothing lasts forever, and about 6-7 years ago she slowly started to relapse. Not leaving the house, one by one ceasing communications with friends and relatives. Heavy drinking. She tried therapy, however, she told me after two years of weekly visits that she was not truthful with the therapist. She was very good at putting on her ‘outside’ face. I stopped paying for the therapy. The next two years were a steady downward spiral. Sleeping and watching TV. Then she started skipped our son’s school events. This past October, I realized that the only reason I’ve stayed this long was so that our son would have a “normal” two-parent home. I told my wife that she had to put forth an effort or I would leave her when our son goes to college next year. As a result, she attempted suicide by ingesting two bottles of prescription pain meds, followed by two weeks in a psychiatric hospital. Did my being honest trigger this? I think yes. Do I feel guilty about it? No, not at all. She is now in therapy (when she chooses to go) and on medication, but is still lying in bed all day, taking zero initiative to change. She does not comprehend the impact of her actions or conditions on those around her. So, for now, I will be supportive and encouraging. I will continue to shepherd her to her various appointments and apprise the doctors of her condition. I know that our son cannot wait to get out of the house next fall. Until then, I will lie low and suffer in silence. Then, if nothing has changed, I’ll most likely leave. I do not think it’s selfish. I’ve given her 20 of the best years of my life. It is not fair for me to have to spend the rest of my life in a loveless, sexless, financially draining relationship. I deserve to have a life.

Exhausted,

Reading your post just helps to reinforce my decision not to continue in the relationship with my fiance. As hard as it has been and still is at times for me to end that relationship, I’m fairly certain your situation would have been my future as well. Like your wife, my fiance was not truthful with the doctors. When she was in the psychiatric ward and was going to be meeting with the doctor to discuss wether or not she should come home, she actually asked me “what should I tell the doctor?” “Do I tell him what he wants to hear?” I told her to tell him the truth about everything including her suicidal thoughts. When the doctor asked me if I wanted her home, I said of course but I wanted her well also. His reply was that he didn’t really think she was a danger to herself or anyone else. The fact that within 5 months she would attempt suicide and two months later have a melt down and attack me shows just how convincing they can be. As you said you deserve a life as well. If she makes a concerted effort to get well it can get better but you have no control over her choices. As I’ve said before in previous posts, take care of yourself. Whichever way it goes, you need to stay as strong and positive as you possibly can. I can also appreciate how your son is feeling. My son is almost 18 and as much as he loved her as well, he is so much more relaxed. My daughter is 21 and away at university and she also loved my fiance dearly but right away when she came home to visit she said she could feel how the tension level had gone down. Life can be so short and has enough stress in it already without having to try and prop someone else up day after day. We are all entitled to happiness and I hope you find yours. To you and everyone else on this message board, I hope the Christmas season is a happy one for you!

Mike

To Exhausted, Mike and Everyone Else:

I hope this message finds you all well. Exhausted, I truly feel for you. I have been with my husband for over 7 years (no where near your 20 but long enough) and it has been quite trying. I find it very discouraging that after 17 years, you are still battling her depression. I guess I can be greatful that he has never been suicidal or tried to hurt anyone. He has also tried to get help. Right now we are separated and I think that getting me back into the house is a motivator for him. He has been going to the gym, going to his appts and taking his meds. I’m just worried about the financial side of it all. The therapist said that it is not my concern and he will have to take care of himself, but I find it very hard to just let go. He moves very slowly so he hasn’t found a roommate or a job (he needs at least one of those to float the bills alone). I dont want to have to skip a mortgage payment or have to pay my rent at the apartment and mortgage payment. I have already taken over $700 per month in bills to ease everything up on him. He says to have faith in him but he has done nothing in the past to make me do so. I have always been the mover in the relationship and he has sat by and ridden my coattails. Things have been better between us and while I do miss him, I have enjoyed the peace in my new apartment.

Thanks for listening.

So Confused,

Letting go is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. All I can tell you is that it does get better with time and you will feel stronger as each day goes by. The therapist is so right, he does have to take care of himself. We all seem to do the same thing for our loved ones by trying to make their lives easier and less stressful. We take on their problems and their share of the responsibilities around the home and financially as well. As someone said we are all enablers and it is exactly the wrong thing to do. Only they can make the choices and take the steps to help themselves. The best we can do is love and support them but if they won’t accept responsibility for themselves then that is not nearly enough. Like your husband my ex fiance would say all the right things and I would get hopeful over and over but in the end she never took any steps to help herself. If I mentioned therapy she would get angry, tell me she had seen enough therapists and doctors and they didn’t help. She would say I should go to therapy so I could be more understanding and supportive yet when I attended a course on depression to better understand she didn’t want me to go in case I met someone else. Quite frankly it was a relief to attend the class each week and speak with people in the same type of situation that I was in, the last thing I wanted was to meet anyone else. You mention that he moves very slowly, I know how that feels as well. At this point she is still staying at her parents and not working as far as I know. Her furniture and most of her personal things are still here in my house and she hasn’t made any attempt to arrange to get them yet. As for the peace in your new apartment, I’m glad for you. I know after walking on eggshells and all the turmoil I’m enjoying the peace as well. Take care of yourself and I hope things work out the way you want them to.

Mike

I’ve just spent the last hour reading all of these posts and have seen myself over and over again. I have been married over 30 years and my wife has been suffering with depression for at least the last 10. As with most of you, it seems I am to blame for all of her problems. In fact, “blame” and “fault” have become her favorite words. For the past few years, she has threatened to leave me several times. After receiving some therapy myself, I decided to tell her “ok, leave me.” Of course, she did not. It would be far too difficult for her to find another willing punching bag.

If I sound hurt and frustrated, it is because I am, beyond words. I dread going home each evening from work, not knowing if she will be in a good or bad mood. I am not even immune at work. She often will call, vent, then hang up and refuse to answer when I try to call back. I’m not sure how much more I can take.

I think the worst is yet to come. She just lost her job and she now believes that no one cares about her and that she has no value. While she admits that she is depressed, she will not see her therapist or seek out help.

As I was typing this, she called me again. After trying to comfort her, she said I was treating her like she was stupid and once again hung up on me. I there any hope?

I found this site while I was searching for help for people married to depression, and I must say, it has been comforting (in an odd way)to know I’m not alone.

I have been married to my high school sweetheart for 24 years. The first twelve years of our marriage were wonderful. Not because we did’nt face challenges! We faced our share including the divorce of both sets of our parents, and a long, painful struggle with infertility and miscarriages.

But we faced it all together, growing closer together with each challenge life brought our way. And through it all, my wife never had a depressed day in her life.

In the worst of ironies, that all changed when she got the thing she most longed for. After the aforementioned struggle with infertility/miscarriages, we were blessed with a healthy baby. That’s when I lost my wife.

She became very depressed after the baby came. She was the first to acknowledge that her life was perfect. Beautiful baby. Able to quit work and be a stay-at-home mom. Wonderful husband. Great friends. A perfect life. And despite all this, she didn’t want to live; had terrible thoughts like the baby and I would be better off without her, etc.

I am pretty tuned in to my wife (I’ve been in love with her since I was 16 years old) and I figured out pretty quick that something was wrong. This more more than the “baby blues.” This was a severe postpartum (sp?) depression that had come, we would find out, to stay.

She saw doctors who counseled with her and concurred that this was not “situational” depression… she had nothing to be sad about. It was caused, they said, by chemical imbalance and they prescribed a sleep aid and an antidepressant.

It’s twelve years later, and I wish I could tell you the magic pills fixed everything. The truth is, she’s never been the same. She has tried different medications, different doses, etc. with varying results. Sometimes the medicine makes her an emotional zombie… someone easy to live with, but oh how lonely! Other times she is impossible to live with, hurling accusations, blaming me for her unhappiness, threatening to divorce me, etc.

I found this site while I was searching for help for people married to depression, and I must say, it has been comforting (in an odd way)to know I’m not alone.

I have been married to my high school sweetheart for 24 years. The first twelve years of our marriage were wonderful. Not because life was without challenges! We faced our share including the divorce of both sets of our parents, and a long, painful struggle with infertility and miscarriages.

But we faced it all together, growing closer together with each challenge life brought our way. And through it all, my wife never had a depressed day in her life. We were best friends, passionate lovers, and there was no one that either of us would rather spend time with.

In the worst of ironies, that all changed when she got the thing she most longed for. After the aforementioned struggle with infertility/miscarriages, we were blessed with a healthy baby. That’s when I lost my wife.

She became very depressed after the baby came. She was the first to acknowledge that her life was perfect. Beautiful baby. Able to quit work and be a stay-at-home mom. Wonderful husband. Great friends. A perfect life. And despite all this, she didn’t want to live; had terrible thoughts like the baby and I would be better off without her, etc.

I am pretty tuned in to my wife (I’ve been in love with her since I was 16 years old) and I figured out pretty quick that something was wrong. This more more than the “baby blues.” This was a severe postpartum (sp?) depression that had come, we would find out, to stay.

She saw doctors who counseled with her and concurred that this was not “situational” depression… she had nothing to be sad about. It was caused, they said, by chemical imbalance and they prescribed a sleep aid and an antidepressant.

It’s twelve years later, and I wish I could tell you the magic pills fixed everything. The truth is, she’s never been the same. She has tried different medications, different doses, etc. with varying results. Sometimes the medicine makes her an emotional zombie… someone easy to live with, but oh how lonely that leaves me! Other times she is impossible to live with, hurling accusations, blaming me for her unhappiness, threatening to divorce me, etc. Then in a moment of clarity (or self pity?) she will apologize and say she didn’t ask for this, hates the depression,knows she isn’t easy to live with, etc.

I can honestly say with God’s help I’ve done my best. I haven’t been perfect. There have been times that the loneliness drove me to stike up friendships with the members of the opposite sex. I know that wasn’t wise for a hundred reasons, but I never have been unfaithful to her. All I wanted was companionship… someone to talk to. Of course, I’ll never convince her of that. But that’s my cross to bear and I accept my share of the blame for that.

Anyway, I love my wife and I don’t believe I could ever leave her… but I miss the woman I married and I continue to hope and pray that someday she will be returned to me.

In the meantime I pray for strength to be strong… strength to be faithful… strength to be understanding… and strength to be what our beautiful daughter needs.

Thank you for listening. I apologize for the long post.

Didn’t mean to end the post so abruptly… hit the wrong button. LOL

But what else is there to say? The rest you all know well.

It’s a lonely existance, living with a roommate instead of a wife. A good day is when everyone is civil to each other and nothing upsets her. A bad day.. well you know.

Thanks for letting me vent and thanks for tolerating the long post.

To: Needed to vent…

I’m your wife…I was doing a little research for a Christmas recipe and lost the website. When I looked at the history, I saw you had visited this site and thought I’d read a little to see what people had to say. I never believed you would leave a comment but I am glad you did.

I know the past 12 years have been miserable for you. It’s not self-pity that causes me to tell you how sorry I am for what I have put you through. I wish I could explain what’s going on in my brain but I just can’t. I want it to end…but it doesn’t. I try to make myself believe that things are okay…but they’re not. I have prayed several times that God would just take me so you could find someone that deserves to have a husband like you but for some reason, He has left me here on earth (or hell some days). You have been extremely patient and kind and I know I just suck the everloving daylights out of you. I’m really sorry – really, really sorry.

Thank you for standing by me…I don’t think anybody else would have.

To NeededToVent and SpouseofNeededToVent:

All I can say is wow. I’m sorry that the both of you are going through this. I know that it is very difficult for both of you to endure. NeededToVent, I understand how you felt about wanting female companionship because in going through this you feel so alone. You nolonger feel that you have a partner but instead another child to take care of. I’m sure when your wife was at her best, there is no one else who could hold a candle to her. I feel the same way about my husband. He is truly caring man. When I think of all the other men out there, it reconfirms how great he is. Unfortunately, I see him at his worst much more often than I see him at his best.

To SpouseOfNeededToVent:

We really understand. We (spouses and significant others) dont want to see you down. That’s why it’s so draining. If we didn’t care it would be easy to laugh it off and go on with our lives, but because we want to help and we want you to be happy it takes such an emotional, physical and mental toll on us that it makes us as down as you are.

I dont have a solution for either of you. I’m going through my own turmoil right now (husband and I are separated). All I can say is that you only have one shot at life, ONE. The both of you need to find a way to be happy. At the end of the day, that’s all that matters.

Mike,

Living in the apartment is sooooo wonderful. I feel a calm there. I feel bad because I dont want to return to my house at all (it seems so dark and depressing). Maybe if I paint or decorate a little differently, it will be different. That’s me thinking ahead though. I really need to focus on the here and now but I find that so difficult to do. Especially since my hubby moves so slowly. He still hasn’t found a roommate or a second job. If he doesn’t get it together, he wont be able to afford to have the lights on in a few months let alone cable. I know that most people would say, a few months is long enough to get it together, but not for him. Like I said, he takes his time with everything. I wouldn’t be surprised if, two months from now, I’m writing the same thing. Man this is hard. I dont like not knowing what’s going on.

The other day he asked me what my hopes and dreams were. I told him that I didn’t want to talk about it because I’ll never be able to have them. I always thought we’d have children (my reason for buying a 4 bedroom house) and that we’d have some sort of family business together. Bear in mind that I told him I wanted this before we got married and he said that he was on board. Now I know that I will never have this. Why did he ask me that? I’m trying to convince myself that I dont need those things. It just made my day terrible because I got to think about everything I WILL NOT have with him. He says lets do it all but I know that if I had a child he would throw it up in my face one day and say that he gave me what I wanted and he never gets what he wants.

Still,

So Confused

So Confused,

It never ceases to amaze me how as I read the posts here the feelings and emotions are the same for all of us. This mourning process we all seem to go through for the things that could have been (children with your husband), and the plans we made that will never come to fruition. I too found that extremely hard to get through. I was so excited about the future my fiance and I would share, I was looking forward to growing old and grey together (or greyer in my case and I had an overwhelming sense of sadness for the opportunities we had lost. I can tell you with absolute certainty that it does get better as the days go by. Suddenly you wake up one day and not that all those emotions have disappeared but somehow they don’t bite quite as hard. Your perspective seems to change a little bit and you start to feel better about yourself and you realize that you are important too. I think we all lose ourselves a little as we try to help our loved ones and our needs become secondary. It’s not that you sometimes don’t have to put the other person first, we do that regularly for the one we love and that’s as it should be. Sometimes though we need to come first as well, we need to be important. In a healthy relationship that’s the way it works, we support each other and feel equal. I would like to tell you that from the tone of your recent post it sounds to me as though you are getting stronger already and I’m happy for you. This is a tough time of year to be going through all this but we will all get through it and the sun will come up each morning. Take care of youself, don’t feel guilty for putting yourself first occasionaly. To you and everyone on this message board…A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS! Lets look forward to 2009…it will be a better year!

Mike

I posted a couple days ago that things are getting better in my house and I still come back here to read all of the posts. This forum is a place where we can all come and see that we are not the only one’s with the issues we have with our relationships with spouses or signifcant others. Reading the posts here have become my therapy and I hope others can also find some relief in posting or reading knowing that you are not alone in going through what we do go through. I love my husband, my parents are still married after 54 years and I want MY family to stay together. I’m not living in a fantasy world because I know the depression can come back (we have had three bouts in 15 years, the last being the worst). I guess I am lucky in that my husband has never been violent or sucidial. What I believe helped with us was that I was able to get him to a Dr who said some of the things that I said (how hard it was on me and our girls, how he is worth it and doesn’t deserve the hell he put himself in) but it wasn’t coming from me and I did not in anyway “coach” this Dr to say these things. Recently, my husband has thanked me for finally making him go and address his depression and I truely belive that he appreciates me and our girls…do I know how long this will last – no, but I do know that I do not want it any other way. This is not the way I would have chosen my life to go, but I know I am a stronger person because of it. I have had all of the thoughts of being on my own with my children and knowing that I could do it because I had done it for three years but something deep down just will not let me quit. To everyone on the forum, you have to look at the person you are and what you want out of life and use that for your decision…I knew I wanted to be with my husband and I am not stupid in thinking that I can cure him but now both of us know that we do not want to go back where it was just over one month ago. The Dr we go to told us there are no “happy pills” that you have to look at it as there is a closed door in front of you and when you take what is prescribed to you it just helps you open that door – what you do once you open the door is up to you. I wish everyone and those they love all the best.

My girlfriend is mildly depressed. We still love each other, but she pushes me away, while finding time to do stuff with her friends. We know each other better than anyone else, the good, the bad and the ugly. Does depression make her push me away to avoid dealing with “real” stuff? She has told me on more than one occasion that she does not want to address ‘us’. Any advice will be most appreciated.

Bev, I’m glad that things are working out for you right now! It’s so easy for other people to say you should just leave or you should just stay. It is a decision that you have to make on your own. No one can tell you. Like yours, my husband is not violent or suicidal. He is just very, very miserable. Now I’m dealing with whether or not I want to return to our home after the separation is over. Not that I dont want to be with him, but the house is just so gloomy. I dont see it as a happy place to be. My husband is a little better but I also dont know if I want to live together again or not. Actually, I would LOVE nothing more than to live together but am afraid that he will settle in and revert back to his old ways thus bringing the “gloom” with him to our next abode. Ah, decisions decisions. In the end I think that I will make the right one.

Water Inc:

I cant tell you what your girlfriend is experiencing. I dont know what you mean by “mild depression”. If this is only once in a while, she may be in a funk. I also think that we often try to diagnose people when sometimes their actions are just personality traits. I know that some of the things my husband does can be attributed to his depression, but other things are just who he is. End of story. It could be that the reason your girlfriend avoids addressing your relationship is deeper than simply being depressed. If I were you, I would tell her that we really have to talk or that she needs to talk to someone. Otherwise, how would you know where the two of you are going? Good luck with everything.

Happy holidays to all!

I can’t determine whether I am being abused, or just living with a depressed man going through a bankruptcy, looking for work, and feeling down about life. How can I tell the difference? I’m at the end of my rope after a 2-1/2 yr relationship (we are engaged). I have never been in such emotional turmoil until this past year when the money began to run out. I don’t know whether he is depressed, cruel, intentionally sadistic, or what. Help, please.

Nikki99,

Your comment about your fiance being intentionally sadistic worries me. If you are being physically abused in any way or threatened with anything of that nature you need to run not walk to the nearest exit. If that is not the case then please excuse me for over reacting. Having been on the receiving end of an assault from my fiance it is a touchy subject for me. I am a fairly big guy and she was a little thing and the rage she let loose shocked me. I refuse to raise my hand to a woman so that didn’t help either. All I’m saying is you need to feel safe and secure first and formost. As for whether your fiance is depressed or not I can’t say but it is very common for stressful situations such as those you describe (bankruptcy, looking for work etc.) to be the catalyst for the onset of depression. The emotional turmoil you speak of is something I’m very familiar with. I spent the last eight months of my relationship in terrible upheaval and it was emotionally draining. In the end after the assault I realized that I couldn’t carry on that way and chose to end the relationship. It was very hard for me, still is at times but I am so positive now that I made the right decision. I’m not saying that you should do the same but I will tell you that whatever you believe is right for you is right for you. Don’t forget that you are important too, that your physical and emotional well being have just as much value as his. Depressed individuals can be very cruel (I know from my own experience) so if this is something new in your relationship there is a very good chance that he is depressed. If he is willing to seek help from the medical profession there is hope. If he isn’t willing, it will be a very tough road. If you feel comfortable suggesting he go to the doctor with you there for support start there. Most importantly take care of yourself or you’ll get dragged down as well and you won’t be in any position to offer support. Good luck and I hope your future posts bring good news!

Mike

Thank you. I can’t suggest a doctor. He will not go. I did suggest counseling for us. He agreed, only because he wants to be vindicated and have me hear from the horse’s mouth that “you are the problem; not him.” I think that’s the wrong reason to go. He is a salesman by nature, and a good one. I think he will bamboozle a counselor. The more I try to talk to him, the more he shuts down on me. We are at the point of either living in silence, or arguing with him begging me to “let him go”. I tell him fine, go, and he puts his hand out to shake on it. When I do, he doesn’t leave. We share this house, both names on it. All he does is sit on the couch anymore, staring aimlessly out the window. He drinks… yesterday he had about 5 strong drinks of black velvet which resulted in him demanding sex and telling me that he really doesn’t care about me… that i should know what we are all about by now, and that if I want him to stay, I need to do all the changing. Even when I agree with his demands, nothing improves. He has no friends. He complains I don’t “let” him go out. But when I counter that by suggesting he go have a beer somewhere, he says, “nah…” and sits on the couch alone. I don’t know what to do anymore. IT is clear he is not happy with me and will not work with me. He mocks me and ignores me…. Is this depression or something more?

Nikki99,

Wow, I don’t know if there is depression involved here although I suspect so given what you have explained about what is going on. I do however know this, you are in a very abusive situation and one that I wouldn’t want my daughter, my sister or any of my female friends in. You really need to find a support net for yourself (family, friends, counselor etc.) and step back to evaluate what you are involved with. If you truly believe that he can change and if he is willing to try and get better (it doesn’t sound good from where I sit I’m sorry to say) and if you are willing to put in the effort I wish you all the best. If he makes no effort and continues to treat you this way, you really need to think about what’s best for you. No one should have to live with conditions like that. I really hope that things work out as you want them to but as I said in my earlier post, remember you are important too! You need to look at where you are and ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life like that. I had to ask myself that same question and then I had to do what I belived was the best thing for me. You need to do the same for yourself. Life is too short to live in misery or fear or walk on eggshells all the time. I know it’s a cliche but when they say a partner should compliment your life not complicate it, it’s so true. Everybody goes through hard times and gets down sometimes. Those are the times you look to your significant other for support, you shouldn’t become abusive to the one you supposedly love. Good luck and I hope things get better for you!

Mike

thanks, Mike. Yes, I think it’s abuse. It’s like he is undermining us ever recovering from past hardships. Like he doesn’t want to make it better. Yet, he isn’t leaving. It feels like he “likes” things at odds. I know he has to be in control. Right now, he has no control over his finances (i.e. bankruptcy) or work situation (i.e. no job) and it is killing him. I do understand that. What I don’t get is why he doesn’t look to me for support. I CAN understand. I am capable of being a shoulder to lean on. You know, his father died when he was only 2. The mother wasn’t around. As a result, he raised himself pretty much with never a birthday party, nurturing, no “i love you’s”. It’s sad. I was raised with a lot of love and support, a strong system under my belt…. and we are so different. He is private and controlling. I am empathetic and want to help. He told me yesterday he has so much rage and anger he is ready to snap and would love to beat the shit out of someone… anyone who would look at him the wrong way. And to me, that is a red flag that this man isn’t just depressed; he’s scary. But yesterday he also cried. Yes, my “alpha male” was in tears yelling at me that he had nothing to give me and when my mother or dad died he would suggest we go out and party because that is how selfish and insensitive I was being. I’m not suggesting it’s party time. I merely want to communicate and team up together to improve the situation.
He just shows me his back.

Mike, can I just say thanks for all your contributions to this site. It sounds like I’m in a similar position to the position you were in with your partner. I haven’t decided what to do yet, but it helps to know that I’m not the only one who’s been through it.

Boris,

You are very welcome. Actually I find it very theraputic to chat with others who understand what I have been through and am still dealing with. I just wish we could all sit down in the same room and chat in person but I guess this will have to do. This site has been a life saver for me. We all feel so isolated as we go through our daily lives with our depressed partners, it really is comforting knowing that we aren’t alone in our struggles. If your situation is similar to mine be careful. When she attacked me and was charged and removed it was because I had very visible wounds to my face and back where she had clawed me with her nails. As I said, I will not raise my hand to a woman but if she had scratched her own face I would have been charged and removed and she would be living in my house while everything winds it’s way through the courts. I hope it never gets to that point for you and as always I will look forward to your future posts. As I keep saying, we all deserve to be happy! Good luck!

Mike

My husband during the first years of our marriage was an alcoholic, after a 13 year split, we had gotten back together after he had quit drinking for 10 years. The next problem we had were those pesky blue footballs, XANAX! Somehow I’m convinced there is a chemical in the pill that reacts much like alcohol to my husband. After 5 years of nightmarish hell, cuz he thought he was calm (lol), he was acting just like the crazy drunk that he had been but without the violence. The Doctor, (thank GOD) changed his medicine over to ativan and there is sooooooo much improvement, it’s wonderful. I Hate Xanax!!!!, They should be obliterated!

I have a question for those of you with depressed/alchoholic spouses. How do we ever get up the courage to walk away for good? I would give anything to be free of this hell. My health is failing due to the stress, and I am only 39. I have tried so many times to leave but always end up going back because I am so worried about him and feel so guilty. It doesnt seem to ever matter what he has done or how badly he has hurt me this time, I always break down and go get him from his parents basement or the bar. He always cries and says he loves me and that “this time” it will be different and he will deal with it better. Well, it never changes, and with 4 years invested, I should know that by now. He has attempted suicide and has been hospitalized 3 times. It has gotten to the point where he totally isolates himself from everyone. Christmas was a nightmare. He wouldnt even talk to his kids from a former marriage. Mostly he just stayed in his bedroom. I feel like I am stuck in a prison and the door is open, but I cant leave. Any suggestions out there? Susie

Susie,

There is no one answer for your question. I think we each need to get to the point where we realize that our partners are responsible for themselves and that we can’t fix them. We can love and support them but that is only helpful if they are taking the steps to get better. In my case when I finally made the decision to end the relationship I stopped all contact. That was the only way that I could get past the guilt I was feeling. Over time I came to understand that I shouldn’t feel guilty, as you shouldn’t. You can’t be responsible for what he does with his life, you have no control. I suffered through her suicide attempts and hospitalizations, and ultimately the assault on myself. Only then was I able to admit to myself that it wasn’t getting any better but worse. That no matter how much I loved her, it didn’t make one bit of difference if she couldn’t or wouldn’t accept responsibility for herself. She would say things to be hurtful, accuse me of wanting to be with other women (my ex wife, my friends wives, whoever popped into her head). I got tired of trying to prove I loved her which I did very much. I got tired of being tired, both physically and emotionally. Finally I got a bit selfish, just as you will have to do. I decided I deserved a chance to be happy and that I wanted to enjoy life again. I had neglected my work, my friends and my own needs and I decided I wanted myself back. It has been almost 3 months and I feel better every day. While I would wish that everyone on this message board could be able to get through this hell and have the relationships that they deserve, unfortunately for some of us that just isn’t in the cards. For us, it comes down to accepting that things aren’t going to improve and that we need to take care of ourselves. In doing this we also force our partners to make their choice, either take whatever steps they can to get well or continue to wallow and blame everyone else for everything that is wrong in their lives. What thing or combination of things gets us to this point may be a little different for all of us. You will surprise yourself with how strong you can be when you need to be. I’ve said before as well, don’t be afraid to lean on family and friends a little for emotional support. If your health is suffering at 39 due to the stress of dealing with everything, it’s time to take care of yourself for a change. Good luck!

Mike

Susie,

It’s hard. I walked out once and stayed with a friend. I managed to keep it up for 2 days, and then was persuaded to go back by her family. They were unable to be there themselves for a number of complex reasons, and, because I’m basically a caring person, I didn’t feel I had any choice since I’m the only person she’s got. I was worried that she might try and kill herself. Since I’ve been with her, she’s cut herself on a couple of occasions and she’s had a suicide attempt, involving hospital, in her past.

So, I was guilted into going back by family and self, and I wonder how it would have been different if I hadn’t. In some ways I’ve made it worse because it could have been a clean break (for me at least), but ended up in being a very messy situation and further undermined my partner’s confidence in the relationship as a whole. If it happened once, it could happen again, etc.

As others have previously said, it’s made so much harder by the fact that my partner can be lovely sometimes and I just can’t get those times out of my head. Having said that, it’s the whole “walking on eggshells” thing of not knowing when the lovely times will suddenly end again and we’ll be back to the bad times again.

Apologies for the ramble.

Boris

Boris,

There is no need to say sorry for the ramble. I love this board. I ramble often and it makes me feel so much better because you all are people that can relate to my situation. I left my husband a month ago but we see each other every day. I feel bad cutting all ties with him because like your wife he can be and is a great guy. I also feel bad because I’m pretty much all he’s got. Of course, his family is upset about it, but they aren’t the ones that deal with him.

Mike,

I agree with what you said to Susie, you have to take care of yourself.

Susie,

If your health is failing at 39, that’s a problem. What good are you to him or yourself if you’re not here. I always said to my husband “you’re going to give me a heart attack and you’ll still be standing here”. It’s true. You cant let them drag you down. If you’re dealing with abuse you should get out now. If you’re not and you feel like you can hang in there I say do it, but not at your own expense. If you can help him without hurting yourself that’s fine. It’s simply not worth it to kill yourself over this.

I hope all of you have a great day. I also want to thank you all (Mike especially) for not only listening but replying. I look forward to checking this board every day. It truly is a godsend.

So Confused,

Thank you for the kind words! Like you I look forward to checking this board at least once a day and I feel for everyone here. The comfort I have recieved from the comments of support and understanding on this board is immeasurable in its value to my personal wellbeing. One of the hardest things for me personally was that after being blamed for all that was wrong with her life, even though I tried so hard to make her life happy I started to actually believe her in some ways. I started to feel that somehow I was causing her depression even though I knew her history of abuse,depression, self injury and suicide attempts. It wasn’t until I found this site and all the kindrid spirits here that I actually began to heal myself. That in itself is a complicated journey as we struggle to deal with all the emotions on that roller coast ride with our partners. I’ve said before that love doesn’t go away overnite and while I still care very deeply for her I have been able to accept that we could not have the life together that we had planned. I’ve only been able to do that with the support I’ve recieved here. We all want our loved ones to be happy and have a good life and we sacrifice ourselves to try and make their world what they want. At some point we have to accept that their life is what it is and it may never change. If you are able to accept that and live with the way things are, all the more power to you, I applaud you for your strength and no one can understand what you are living with unless they have been in that situation. For those of you that have to leave the relationship as I did, I applaud you for your strength also. It is without a doubt the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Sometimes we have to make choices we don’t like and they can be very painful but through all this I can tell you that after losing myself as her needs overwhelmed me it has been wonderful to find myself again. Once again that is in large part thanks to all of you here who so bravely share your pain and let us know that we are not alone.
My sincerest thanks to all of you and I look forward to “chatting” again soon.

Mike

Thanks Mike and Boris for your comments. Its so interesting that we all experience the same things; sometimes they are great and loving but it always short lived, and inevitably the cycle repeats itself no matter what we do.
Mike , you said that your gilfriend always accused you of wanting other women. My partner does that as well. Its like he blames me for his bad thoughts and beieves them and makes me suffer for it.
I am in a position right now where I can make the break. He is at his parents house, hiding in the basement blaming me and everyone else for his state of mind ” kids dont care about him, I want other men, ect. ect). My plan (again) is to tell him when he calls that I cant do this anymore. The thought of carrying it through though, is terrifying. I will for some strange reason miss him so much and will be consumed with worry and anxiety about what he might do. Wish me luck. I pray I find the strength. Susie

Thanks as well for your comments “so confused”. Your right that losing my health is not worth it. My mother said to me the other day, you are going to have a stroke and end up drooling in a wheelchair. Do you think he would stick around and care for you like you do him? I would guess, proabably not.

Susie,

While I would never suggest to anyone that they give up on a relationship unless they are 100% certain, I will say to you that should you decide to make the break you will be alright. It’s not easy, it’s painful, in fact the pain isn’t just emotional as I mentioned in an earlier post, it actually hurts physically. However that pain diminishes day by day, I guess that old saying about time heals all wounds is true. If you choose to leave the relationship you will get through. At times it’s hard to believe that life can get better since we become so conditioned to living as we are but in time you will look back and realize that the worst has passed and even though you may still have the odd pang they are less frequent and less painful. I had a phone call on Christmas eve that hung up and I suspected it was my ex fiance. Then she sent me a text on Christmas day asking if we could talk. As hard as it was I chose not to respond which was the best thing I think. I’ve had no more contact since then although I’m still waiting for her to arrange to remove all her furniture and personal effects from my house so I’ll still have that to deal with in the new year I guess. All in all every day it gets a little easier and I can tell you honesty that I feel so much better health wise. Susie, I can’t stress enough that whatever decision you make, you need to put your health and well being at the forefront. Get a bit selfish and put yourself first for a change! Good luck and I’ll look forward to hearing how you are doing!

Mike

I cant tell you all how glad I am that the holidays are over. This has been a really hard one for me. I broke it off whith him over Christmas after he once again said he didnt want me or his kids in his life (his kids form a previous marriage) and that it is all our fault. He said he wants to just be left alone and not to have anything to do with anyone. I said ok. Well since then he wont stop phoning and texting flipping between “please help me”, to “I have some information you need”, to “I guess you hate me, goodbye”. I am trying so hard not to respond and get sucked back into his game. I guess what he is doing is a manipulation becasue he was always saying he didnt want me anymore and as soon as I leave he wont stop phoning. I am really afraid of what he might do now.Part of me is releaved when he calls becasue I know he is alive. Its so hard to stay strong and stay away and not run to the rescue.
Happy New Year
Hope its a better one for all of us.
Susie

Susie,

Remember that you are not responsible for his choices or his actions. The fact that he is at his parents is a good thing since he has a support net. As for the flipping back and forth between I’m sorry and I love you to I don’t want anything to do with you, this seems to be a common thing when dealing with a depressed loved one. I know it certainly was in my situation. It almost seems as if they want to see how far and how hard thet can push before we get to our limit. I used to get phone calls and texts constantly at work telling me that she was leaving, threatening suicide, accusing me of wanting other women (I was madly in love with her and not the least bit interested in anyone else), saying I wasn’t supportive enough, didn’t understand what she was going through etc. Initially I would leave work and run home to console her thinking she just needed positive support. Eventually it began to wear on me and I started to ignore these episodes and then she would appologize and tell me she really didn’t mean it. I began to feel like a yo-yo on a string. This pattern continued right to the end. We would have a few weeks if we were lucky where things would be stable and those times were wonderful but they never lasted. Then it would start all over again and as time went on it became more common and she would say nastier and nastier things. Ultimately after hours or days of verbal abuse I would fire back. I’m not proud of that but a person can only take so much. Last night I was at a New Years party and had a great time with good friends and I realized that if I had stayed in the relationship I wouldn’t have been there. She would have come up with some reason that we shouldn’t go and I would have made our excuses to our friends. That too became a pattern as we gradually stopped socializing and withdrew into her world. I guess it was just easier to go allong with her than argue. I am by nature a very social person and getting back into circulation has been great, friends have been so supportive. I still think about her and worry for her. I still have moments where I grieve for what might have been and fleeting fantasies that maybe we could still get through it all when I know rationally that it could never be. I just force myself to refocus on the good things in my life now and how much more peace there is. If you really want to move forward you can do it! Remember that you can’t really “rescue” him. All you can do is enable him which is the last thing we should be doing. Be strong for yourself, do things for yourself. Like I said, be a little bit selfish because like everyone else going through what you are going through, you have neglected your own needs. It’s just something we do as we struggle to support our loved ones. It’s a good time to start taking care of you! Good luck Susie and here’s to a better year in 2009!

Mike

I don’t think it’s merely depression anymore. I am thinking more along the lines of abuse lately. I had a car accident last night with his car. I was literally shaking at the thought of telling him. When I did, he said, you are “f*cking kidding. You stupid, spoiled little b*tch.” No ‘are you ok, was anyone hurt’. None of that. He looked at the car. Told me it was totaled. Then he said that’s it, I am OUT. He declared he was moving and no longer wanted me. Last night he called to tell me he was stopping at the liquor store to bring home a bottle for us… citing it was “Friday night” and all. I said please don’t. I knew if he did, we would both have a drink, then two, then three, and of course, this happened and the defenses came down and I began to tell him what I really thought of his treatment of me. He lay on the bed with TV remote in hand, and casually said to me, “Do you remember when we were broken up in July?” I said yes. He said, “You sowed your oats; I know you fucked a thousand men…. and I never had the opportunity to meet women. I regret that I did not do what you did.”
I said to him, “You know something, you are LYING. I fucked NOBODY. You are the one who left without warning and ended up wtihin a week living with your EX WIFE and fucking her in her bed drunk! How I am the bad one here I fail to see it. I went for one lunch with someone who turned out to be a disappointment to me and all we talked about was YOU, Joe.” He said, “Really? You didn’t give him a blow job in the parking lot?” I mean, how do you respond to this. He turned on the closet light and said “I think i’ll go out for awhile. Maybe I will bring someone home for us.”
I said to him, “Do you want another woman? Do you want other women?” He said YES, but ONLY WITH YOU.
Oh Please…..
Then I said well that is not an option. It’s me and nobody else, or everyone else and NOT ME. He said well darling of course then I would take you. And I said Joe, do you want to leave me? Please, just shoot straight from the hip and tell me. He said, “If I thought you would let me go without hiding my keys, YES.” I started crying and he began “mock” crying along with me, calling me a 12 year old. THen I said again, really, you want to go? And he said, oh NO. I want to grow old with you. I love you. I said why did you say you wanted to leave? He said, “Ah, I was just kiddin around with ya… just fucking with you.”
Then, he said to me, come here and let me fuck you. He pulled me down, fucked me, pushed me off, and said, “NOW do you see that sex will not be any good until we are getting along with each other?” I said YES of course I see that. he said, let’s work on that then.
I agreed.
I know this makes no sense to anyone on the board. It doesn’t even make sense to me. My feelings were reeling. I got angry at him as he kept fucking with my head saying he wanted to leave, he didn’t want to leave. He wanted other women; he didn’t want other women.
I have checked his cell phone and have no evidence of cheating, but knowing he even looks and WANTS it kills me and chills me to the bone.
It makes me sick to think I am not enough for him.
I told him I was going out to pick up my son from his friend’s house. He said maybe I should go with you; you are upset. I didn’t answer. Well, he let me go alone. I stopped at Walgreens and picked up my Xanax prescription. I was hysterical sitting in an empty dark parking lot and downed 3 pills. I had no idea they would take effect so fast, but I hadn’t eaten, so…. they did.
Next thing I know, I have rear-ended a man with JOE’S car. The hood came flying up, clips broken. The headlight shattered. The tire went flat. OH MY GOD HE WOULD KILL ME.
I came home. Told him I was in an accident. He said you’re fucking kidding. I said no, I’m sorry. I will pay for everything (It is his car he lets me use, and he is flat broke himself… he has no insurance to cover damages on his own vehicle; only other people’s….) – He says to me “you stupid immature spoiled BITCH” when he sees it, and comes in and tells me, I AM DONE. I WANT OUT. I AM MOVING OUT.
I am crying, tired, hysterical, offer to give him $3000 for a $1500 car (it’s an older 98 Grand Prix with 70K on it) and he still wants out. He will not let me make amends. He just keeps saying this is the last straw, as though I intentionally did it on purpose.
And not one time; not once, did he ever say to me, “Was anyone hurt” or “Are you ok.”
I said to him, “What if this hadn’t happened with the car, would you have stayed and worked through things?” He said, no… it isn’t going to work. I am done. I don’t want you.
So, now the climb starts for my self esteem again.
my regaining of sanity, I guess.
He still “lives” here until he starts his new job. He said wherever that job is, he will move close to it so he doesn’t want to find an apt until he knows where that will be. Meantime he will be here for a day, a week, who knows. And I will be as silent as ever, walking around him, pretending for a change that he is the object; the piece of furniture, as he has done to me for so long. To speak to him any longer is unbearably painful knowing that for 3 years it was for nothing. My love, my support, my undying effort to stand aside him while he failed in a business, lost money… now he will be working and will give someone else the happy Joe everyone knew, and he will remember me as a burden and a problem in his life.

Excuse the expletives…
Last night he called to tell me he was stopping at the liquor store to bring home a bottle for us… citing it was “Friday night” and all. I said please don’t. I knew if he did, we would both have a drink, then two, then three, and of course, this happened and the defenses came down and I began to tell him what I really thought of his treatment of me. He lay on the bed with TV remote in hand, and casually said to me, “Do you remember when we were broken up in July?” I said yes. He said, “You sowed your oats; I know you fucked a thousand men…. and I never had the opportunity to meet women. I regret that I did not do what you did.”
I said to him, “You know something, you are LYING. I fucked NOBODY. You are the one who left without warning and ended up wtihin a week living with your EX WIFE and fucking her in her bed drunk! How I am the bad one here I fail to see it. I went for one lunch with someone who turned out to be a disappointment to me and all we talked about was YOU, Joe.” He said, “Really? You didn’t give him a blow job in the parking lot?” I mean, how do you respond to this. He turned on the closet light and said “I think i’ll go out for awhile. Maybe I will bring someone home for us.”
I said to him, “Do you want another woman? Do you want other women?” He said YES, but ONLY WITH YOU.
Oh Please…..
Then I said well that is not an option. It’s me and nobody else, or everyone else and NOT ME. He said well darling of course then I would take you. And I said Joe, do you want to leave me? Please, just shoot straight from the hip and tell me. He said, “If I thought you would let me go without hiding my keys, YES.” I started crying and he began “mock” crying along with me, calling me a 12 year old. THen I said again, really, you want to go? And he said, oh NO. I want to grow old with you. I love you. I said why did you say you wanted to leave? He said, “Ah, I was just kiddin around with ya… just fucking with you.”
Then, he said to me, come here and let me fuck you. He pulled me down, fucked me, pushed me off, and said, “NOW do you see that sex will not be any good until we are getting along with each other?” I said YES of course I see that. he said, let’s work on that then.
I agreed.
I know this makes no sense to anyone on the board. It doesn’t even make sense to me. My feelings were reeling. I got angry at him as he kept fucking with my head saying he wanted to leave, he didn’t want to leave. He wanted other women; he didn’t want other women.
I have checked his cell phone and have no evidence of cheating, but knowing he even looks and WANTS it kills me and chills me to the bone.
It makes me sick to think I am not enough for him.
I told him I was going out to pick up my son from his friend’s house. He said maybe I should go with you; you are upset. I didn’t answer. Well, he let me go alone. I stopped at Walgreens and picked up my Xanax prescription. I was hysterical sitting in an empty dark parking lot and downed 3 pills. I had no idea they would take effect so fast, but I hadn’t eaten, so…. they did.
Next thing I know, I have rear-ended a man with JOE’S car. The hood came flying up, clips broken. The headlight shattered. The tire went flat. OH MY GOD HE WOULD KILL ME.
I came home. Told him I was in an accident. He said you’re fucking kidding. I said no, I’m sorry. I will pay for everything (It is his car he lets me use, and he is flat broke himself… he has no insurance to cover damages on his own vehicle; only other people’s….) – He says to me “you stupid immature spoiled BITCH” when he sees it, and comes in and tells me, I AM DONE. I WANT OUT. I AM MOVING OUT.
I am crying, tired, hysterical, offer to give him $3000 for a $1500 car (it’s an older 98 Grand Prix with 70K on it) and he still wants out. He will not let me make amends. He just keeps saying this is the last straw, as though I intentionally did it on purpose.
And not one time; not once, did he ever say to me, “Was anyone hurt” or “Are you ok.”
I said to him, “What if this hadn’t happened with the car, would you have stayed and worked through things?” He said, no… it isn’t going to work. I am done. I don’t want you.
So, now the climb starts for my self esteem again.
my regaining of sanity, I guess.
He still “lives” here until he starts his new job. He said wherever that job is, he will move close to it so he doesn’t want to find an apt until he knows where that will be. Meantime he will be here for a day, a week, who knows. And I will be as silent as ever, walking around him, pretending for a change that he is the object; the piece of furniture, as he has done to me for so long. To speak to him any longer is unbearably painful knowing that for 3 years it was for nothing. My love, my support, my undying effort to stand aside him while he failed in a business, lost money… now he will be working and will give someone else the happy Joe everyone knew, and he will remember me as a burden and a problem in his life.

Nikki99,

You are right, there is definitely abuse there which may or may not be originating in depression. The fact is from where I sit it doesn’t sound like a healthy situation for either of you but since we can only be responsible for ourselves I would urge you to take whatever steps you can to get yourself into a more stable environment. No one should have to live like that. I said in an earlier post that you should find a support net, family, friends, a counselor whatever it takes. You mentioned trying to regain your self esteem, that should be a priority and you need positive support to do that. When we are involved in relationships where we are abused verbally or emotionally it is so easy for our self esteem to plummet. Every relationship has bumps, we have disagreements, arguments, debates, whatever you want to call them but that doesn’t excuse vicious unfounded accusations at any time. The old saying about misery loves company is very true. How many times can you think of someone that is down saying mean hurtful or negative things to yourself or someone you know. Since they can’t or don’t know how to make themselves feel better they attempt to bring others down to where they are. I don’t even know if it’s concious or sub-concious but I do know from experience that it wears you down after awhile. For your own well being you need to start taking positive steps for yourself. Please don’t misunderstand me. I’m not saying one way or the other whether you should give up on the relationship, no one can make that choice but you. What I am saying is that from your posts it is very evident that the relationship is in a bad way and needs serious help. If you want to fix it you will need the commitment of your boyfriend as well and if he is not prepared to do that then you really really really need to take care of your self! Good luck and I hope things get better!

Mike

Wow Nickie99. I read your post and was disgusted with your boyfriends behaviour. It kind of made a light go on for me. I was so offended by what your boyfriend has done to you but I take it all in my own. I believe so much of what these individuals do is abuse. It also sounded like he may have sexually assualted you. (dont know, thats just how i read it). Have you considered going to a womens centre and speaking to an abuse councelor? Thats what i did. These women are very well versed on the dynamics of all types of abuse be it, physical, sexual, psychological, or emotional. It is really helpful to get a professional opinion.
I think you should turn the tables on him and be strong. Say fine, get out if you want. I dont want anyone who cares more about their car than they do me. Value yourself and he will be shocked! Im glad you were not hurt in the car accident. But it sounds like if you were, he would not have been there for you. Good luck! Susie

Susie,

I was glad to read your post since I also read sexual abuse into that but I thought maybe it was just my take and I was hesitant to go there. As a man who values and respects women (grew up with 4 sisters and a very strong mother who was an equal in her marriage to my father) I can never understand how a man can treat a woman in this way. The whole dynamic of a relationship is supposed to be one of mutual respect, love and support. It’s a great feeling to have a true partner in life and to know that that person is there for you no matter what. Nikki99, Susie makes a great point, talking to an abuse counselor who is properly trained is probably the best place for you to start. You have a right to feel safe in your own home and a right to be happy and the resources are there to help you, please take advantage of them. Good luck!

Mike

Hi guys. Well, I think that car accident jolted my brain. I am seeing what I have written here… seeing it from an objective standpoint. And realizing, I don’t need this in my life anymore. For the record, I did tell him it would be fine by me if he left (and, for the first time, I felt strong enough to MEAN IT when I said it!) I have grown so tired and worn down from the insults, the hidden accusations, the blatant disrespect, and being ignored inbetween, that something inside my head snapped. When I looked at the damage to the car, realizing it was because I was in such a sorry state of mine that it even happened in the first place, it made me realize that it was time to take stock of my life and the lives of my two children, age 12 and 8 who are with me over half the time and unfortunately have borne witness to the yelling, holes he punched in the wall, my crying jags. No child should have to deal with that, and in a strange way, the guilt I have carried by allowing them to be exposed to seeing mom like this has actually made me feel weaker against Joe’s regime; that if I could only just shut up and do it his way, everything his way, then all would be smooth, peaceful, and fine. But it’s a facade. Nothing will ever be okay between me and Joe. After the car accident incident, I stepped right up and called Morgan Stanley to sell my IRA. His car is in the shop today and will be fixed better than new. It is going to cost me about a grand. I asked Joe if he would sell me the car once it was fixed, for book value. Book on it is about $2500. He said he could get more on the open market, sorry, and that he wanted over $3000. I thought to myself, you bastard. You know I have NO car to my name (he sold my camry a year ago, citing I didn’t need a car in my name since he had two), and he knows i’m at his mercy. You know, I will say this much for Joe. I am a fair person, and I have to tell you guys, when I met him, he made over $70K annual working as a finance mgr in a car dealership. 70-80 hrs a week. Well, after a year with me, he quit to open his own car business, a used car lot. Not surprisingly, it failed. He used his $20K out of his 401K right down to the last penny to make that lot work. When it didn’t, he lost his 401K, and of course when he left the big dealership he lost his health insurance. So here sits a 47 year old man who has basically lost his purpose in life and stares out the window wondering what he will do for the rest of his life. He could go back into a dealership with his 20+ years of experience under his belt, but he hates the work. Hates the hours. So he has tried pest control, selling hurricane windows, working in a steel mill… all the while with me and him sending out literally hundreds of cover letters and resumes to rarely get a call back. I know it had to have been what depressed him initially, but that is NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE, and HE IS ABUSIVE. I guess I’m the nearest thing he has to kick around, figuratively speaking, but I suffered 1 black eye (during sex, we weren’t even fighting! because he thought rough sex was “fun”)… and I had to wear sunglasses for 2 weeks before it healed. How humiliating. Since then, then since this car accident, so much has changed in my feelings. I can’t just kick Joe out because he has nowhere to go but mostly because we share this house, and both cars are in his name. Since he won’t sell me his (he wants me to just keep driving it and for us to “get along now”), I’m really in a spot.
suggestions?
So right now I’m just keeping my distance. But it’s terribly depressing to see a man with literally $1500 cash in his pocket and that is all, at 47 years old and years toiled, that he has to show for his life. I think he also resents the fact that I am an only child with two parents who have always given me unconditional love and support, where as he has raised himself… father died when he was 2 years old; mother moved them into the section 8 housing projects of boston and worked two jobs. A sob story, I know, but the truth.
We come from different worlds, and I just don’t know how to relate to him anymore. I need more from a relationship than he has to give, and I feel too much has happened to repair it but I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t work, but I am willing. Thing is, nobody here in FL can even find work right now.

Nikki,

I hear everything you are saying; however, I am concerned about you not him. I dont care about his sob story and not being able to find a job, his dad died, etc.. That gives him NO RIGHT to abuse you. He sexually, physically and emotionally abusive. You deserve better and to allow your children to witness this dysfunction is borderline abusive. Please do not think that I am beating up on you, that is not my intent. I just hate to hear you going through this. What he is doing cannot be blamed on depression. Please get out of this situation for your sake. Like Mike, I do not believe in telling people what they need to do in their relationships, but this is an exception. Please, if you do not do this for yourself, do it for your children.

So Confused

Just wanted to let everyone know how everything is going. My hubby and I currently have our house listed for rent so that we can live comfortably in two separate households (He cannot afford the house on his own.) I know that everyone was telling me that I shouldn’t be concerned about what he does about the bills but I simply cannot do that. He is going to look for a roommate or rent a room for a while. That way we can work on things. I love him but I’m not quite ready to let him into my space (especially because I’m deathly afraid of him making it as gloomy as he did our house/home). I’m a little sad about renting our house out to someone else. I know our son is, but right now I think it’s the best thing to do. An earlier poster once said that she copes by having separate lives and when her husband wants to act like a normal person he is allowed to rejoin her in her daily activities. I’m going to try and see if this works. Separate everything, except the family. Maybe if I do this I wont resent his impulse buys, worry about his employment status, etc. I’m grasping at straws at this point.

Here is to a wonderful 2009. I hope you all find peace this year.

So Confused

I came on this board because I thought I was living with a depressed spouse. I believe that I am. But more than that, I am convinced now that it is abuse, not simple mere depression. And I forgive, and I love. And I tolerate. But, I have had enough.
I am the kind of woman who, when someone I love is going through a bad time, is a “saver”, a “shoulder”, the best friend anyone could ever want. You know, the kind of gal you can call at 3:20 AM and cry about a flat tire and needing a ride, or a break-up, or whatever. I don’t have many friends these days, but the couple I have held onto know that I’m a true friend. So you can only imagine that with Joe, being in love with him and intimate, being “soul mates” (who ever thought of that crazy analogy), that I gave him my ALL and I write that with all caps. And he took. And took, and somehow turned his bad fortune around to where he resented my good fortune of having adequate child support, a nice home, a good family. Jealousy! I think he’s resentful and sad and jealous. And what children learn is what they see. Thankfully, Joe has only lived here since August of 2007. And, the kids have only seen this behavior for about 6 months. But 1 day is too long for a child to see mom crying, or mom screaming and losing control of herself. It teaches them all the wrong things. My son is 12 and is going through enough with his own identity at this tough age without having to worry himself sick inside about mom. He stays on his computer and shuts his door, listening to his heavy metal. He loves me but he is wary of Joe. Does not like him one bit. Once Joe said to him, “Why don’t you like me?” Dom replied, “Because she is my mother and I have to side in with my mom. She’s my mom, period.” (What a great kid.)
Joe and Dom never got into it, yet, but I have made it clear as crystal that if they ever did, I would have my son’s back, because not only is blood thicker than water, but that’s my baby and you don’t dare even begin to treat him the way you have treated me.
I will not stand for that. It’s funny; the things we will accept from others who do wrong to us,…. but touch our families? Hurt our kids? Insult our parents?
Watch out.

He will go, and hopefully soon. But logistically speaking I need to get my ducks in a row here, and there is the dead end…. I’m not sure where to start. Joe just phoned me telling me he would be “home” (whatever) in another hour or so, that the new job seemed to go well for him, and he told me we “must stop fighting in front of the children. We must stop fighting in private. We need to get along now. Let’s make this work.” How ironic. All the months I begged for him to say that. Somehow do these men inherently know when we’ve mentally and emotionally bailed out? I think so. Cuz now, I could really give two shits anymore and here he is, a day late and dollar short, wanting to make it work.
I could take it or leave it today, but the more I think about it, I think I would rather leave it. Too much water under the bridge. Too much neglect; not enough caring. Too much poor me sob-story joe, not enough empathy for my position.
i don’t need someone in my life that drags me down.
I think he always resented me from day one because he knew I came from good stock, that I had child support coming in that was adequate to allow me to stay home and raise the kids… i.e. I didn’t “need” to work. My son has ADD/ODD. It’s not fun. The ADD alone is bad enough, but when you have a gifted child that is also contrary to the sky being blue (that’s the ODD Oppositional Defiant Disorder) part, and the kid also happens to have a 140 IQ (and yours is 141, lol), well, that in itself is a challenge. I know Joe had a tough life. And I’m sorry for that.
But for all that’s happened in the past almost 3 years with this man, I’m just worn down and very tired. Gave it all I had. He gave it all too, from the wallet, which wasn’t much to start with, but now that he’s broke he really hasn’t ever given me any SUPPORT, emotional or otherwise, other than paying utilities and buying food.
So really, I am quickly losing interest in this plastic knight in shining armor. Joe has issues. I cannot help him with them. I once asked him, “Can’t you just, for once, put yourself in my shoes?” His flat response was “nope.” and back to the TV.
And so, that is the nutshell of what the past 3 years has been, and I’m over it.
Now… how to get him to leave without taking half the equity of the house….. I bought this house 10 years ago. Kids and I lived here until I needed to refinance it and that’s when Mr. Wonderful offered with his “then” perfect credit. (August of 2007)… when it’s been my home since 1999. He promised me he would never take a red cent from me if “it didn’t work out between us”. Now, the story changes, and stupid idiot me, I never got it in writing and now I can’t seem to jar Joe’s memory of his promise… “I don’t recall saying that” is my answer.
What a scumbag.
So now what..
I can’t get the house refinanced, we share it together, both cars are in his name. I would get a part-time job but if Joe left it wouldn’t be enough to substantiate the bills. I would need to go full-time and with my son’s lack of progress in school right now I’m very involved in getting him on track.
Joe is now laying low, having started a new job today. I would love to attribute his abusive tendencies to “a bad time” in his life, but my gut tells me there is just simply NO EXCUSE.
I can proudly tell you all that I no longer fear him leaving. I savor it. When the time comes, I will be free. Until then, I will have to play along, I guess and try to make the situation tolerable.
thank you guys; for all the words. He was a dream once. Just the answer to your prayers. The reality of the car accident, the black eye, but mostly THE WORDS and THE NEGLECT are what will pull me through this solo, because as they say, what doesn’t kill us, will make us stronger. And I am finally beginning to feel that strength slowly come back. Joe has NEVER been abusive in front of, or to, the children.
He saves those moments of rage for when we are alone.
He is a “private man”, his words, and I’m learning when someone is overly private about their life, it’s usually because there is something wrong with them that they do not want other people to see.
The kids are not abused here. I just wanted to say that, for the record. Every child heard arguments between adults from time to time, even yelling. But Joe saves the real rage, anger, insults, screaming, and wall punching for only when they are not here at all. So please know I am protecting them to that extent. When the kids are in the house and not with dad, Joe says, “hey kids how’s it going?” and gives my 8 year old airplane piggybacks around the house, plays chess once in awhile with my son. Really, the children are not exposed to the core of it.
But I am tired of being exposed to it. I think that being alone would be A-OK right now.

I’m going to start worrying about me for a change. Me and the kids, period.
Looking back, I always put a man first.
ALWAYS.
I’m not putting anyone first who doesn’t give it back, ever again.

Way to go Nickie99! I pray you have the strength to stick with it. I didnt and now really regret it. If I would have left a long time ago, I would have saved myself so much misery. Good luck! Susie

My husband is a beautiful person, but I don’t know how to treat someone that is good to me, I suffer from depression now for 15 years I have been on all kinds of medications and nothing helps I have had counceling that doesn’t help either I have hurt him physcial causing me to be thrown in jail I say mean cruel things to him and he just keeps forgiving me, I feel that because everyone that has ever come in my life as hurt me, I feel that pain is the only thing I understand anything else makes me uncomfortable I know I’m going to lose him oneday and it will be all my fault. I feel so evil sometimes I wish I was never born. I was a loving person I would help so many people I never let anyone down. and I was walked on like a doormat and now the same thing that was done to me I’m doing it to my wonderful husband and I don’t know how to stop, I have such a deep hurt and I don’t know how to let it go, I don’t know what to do, i’m losing my husband.

Sad and Blue, the fact that you recognize what you are doing to your H, I think, speaks volumes on both your road to recovery, and your taking responsibility for it; rather than doing what so many abusers do: DENY. You can change, but you need some help to get down that road. I think the fact that your husband keeps forgiving you says a lot for his tolerance, but do you think perhaps you are using that against him? Do you view his forgiveness as weakness or submissiveness to you? You shouldn’t really. It’s unconditional love. Still, if a dog gets kicked one too many times, the dog will no longer come around. Bad analogy, but you know what I mean. I hope you can begin by even doing one nice small little thing this morning for him; whether it is a simple hug, i love you, or a note in his lunch. Little things mean a lot and are good bandaids, but the underlying problem has to be addresseda and I commend you for recognizing it for what it is; depression.
There is help. Let us know how you are doing… but take my advice and just do one nice little thing each day for him. a tiny 1 minute gesture. I bet it helps; it certainly can’t hurt, and just try to breathe in and out a few times before reacting.

Sad and Blue,

I’m sorry you feel that way. All I can say is that you will eventually lose your husband if you dont do something. You are blessed that he has stuck with you this long, but a person can only take so much, as you know. Have you ever tried couples counseling, individual therapy, church, etc? It seems as though your husband loves you, or else he wouldn’t still be with you. I’m sure that if you make a serious effort (and I mean giving it 150%) that you can make things better. I dont think things will ever be perfect, but I’m sure better sounds pretty good at this point.

I’m speaking from the point of view of a spouse of a depressed person. I have also spoken to my husband’s therapist and she told me that he cannot control his depression, but he can control how he acts toward others even if it means faking it. Just because you are feeling down, that is no reason to bring your husband down with you. If you are feeling down, you need to get away for a little while, not sit there and make him miserable too. I’m sorry if what I’m saying hurts, but it’s true. If you really truly love him, you will do whatever it takes. Otherwise, you are going to let this depression destroy your life and in the end you will have chosen depression over your marriage.

Good luck with everything, I will keep you in my prayers.

I wanted to drop a line to all and say thank you all, esp Mike, for your input on my situation with Joe. He is working now, and i see him very aware of his low carb diet, on the go, concerned with himself as usual…. and still neglecting me,… so i don’t think any longer it is depression; at least not chronic depression. His spirits seem to have lifted but he still treats me fair to midlin, and that is on a good day. So I found a board that deals with abuse, and I am posting my situation there day to day, sort of like a journal shared with other women in my shoes. I would like to say that depression doesn’t come without anger; at least not in my experience with Joe.
God bless all of you…. i will check in from time to time to say hello
xoxo
paula (Nikki99)

Paula,

I’m so glad to hear you are doing better and taking charge of your life! Don’t be too hard on yourself for thinking of others first as you often do or have in the past. I think most of us on this board share that trait in our personalities. It’s not easy for some of us to put ourselves first, it’s almost a behaviour we have to learn. I just want to say again that you can do this! There are hard days no question but over time it gets better and you deserve to live a happy life without the abuse! This is so important for your children as well. They deserve to feel safe and see their mother happy too. Good luck with everything and as always I’ll be looking forward to more good news in your future posts! Take good care of yourself!

Mike

one last thought:
In my case, depression comes with its counterpart of internal rage that has to come out in one form or another; whether it’s self-abuse or lashing out. I read a couple of posts here where either the spouse is depressed and is bringing/dragging down the partner, or the one writing here is depressed and is inadvertently hurting their own partner. I just want to say that I think we do hurt the ones closest to us when we are in a depressed state. Misery loves company, perhaps?
Thanks again for the support here. I will be around and will say hi every once in awhile to let you know how I am. I am not out of this yet; I’m not sure I want to be. I’m confused. But I know I will get it straight in my own head and things will iron themselves out in good time. It’s about me and the kids. It is our life and will be what I make it.
For the depressed out there, talk to a professional. Talk to your spouse if you can. But don’t lash out. It’s not your partner’s fault and we are all trying to sustain.

Hello,
I haven’t posted for a while, but not much has changed in my life. I just wanted to say a big “thank you” to everyone who posts. I check back frequently to read the posts because there isn’t many places I can find others going through the same emotions and conflicting feelings that I experience. I am pretty private and like to pretend all is good in my life, but it isn’t. I just keep living day by day and praying many times a day. To those of you that have left–good luck. You should be proud of yourselves. To those of you who are staying–it is what you think is best. Keep your heads up and pray. You will find the inner strength.
I have to believe this since this is what I am doing too. Anyways, I just wanted to say how much I appreciate this sight and the stories that are shared.
Mary

Mary,

I’m glad you find this site comforting, as I do and I think everyone else does as well. Like you I would look in and read the posts for the longest time before I actually decided to post. I found early on that it was very theraputic to share with everyone here and it has helped me immensely. I noticed in your post that you like to pretend that all is good in your life. I’m not sure if you are doing this to portray an image to everyone else or if you are doing it to insulate yourself but I would urge you to find someone that you can confide in. Carrying all that emotion bottled up inside is very hard. It is such a huge relief to be able to tell another person how you are actually feeling and what you are really going through. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to friends or family, seek out a counselor or group in your area and get a load off your chest. The strain of dealing with a depressed loved one can be debilitating. Sharing that strain will be good not only for you but ultimately help you be stronger for your partner as well. I’ve said many times in previous posts and I’ll say it to you as well, you need to take care of yourself first. If you don’t, who will! Take care, good luck and if you aren’t comfortable with talking to others about your situation yet, come back and post your thoughts and feelings here. We all found our way here for the same reasons so you have nothing to hide or be ashamed of.

Mike

Mary,

I know what you mean about pretending all is good in your life, both to yourself and others. I get very down when I get asked about the holiday period – “Did you have a good Christmas and new year?”, to which my answer is usually “Yes, it was great thanks”, when in fact the answer should really be “No, it was dreadful and I couldn’t wait for it to be over”. Thinking what a lovely time other people must be having is hard.

I’ve found it helps to confide fully in just one or two people and that gives me the strength to continue the pretense with everyone else. Should I have to pretend? No, but it’s just easier that way.

Love and strength to you all.

Boris

Its been a hard week. We had a chat on Sunday and he told me how he is getting help for his drinking and is sorry for the way he has been treating me. He said he knows that his depression/psychosis is causing him to not trust me and accuse me. I had a glimmer of hope.
Tuesday night he stopped by to borrow something and was in pretty good spirits. It was short lived. At about 3am I heard my dog growling at my bedroom door. I kept telling her to go back to sleep but she wouldnt. Then I heard a loud bang. I got up, got dressed and went to see what was going on. I looked out the window and saw nothing. I then saw my phone flashing and saw that he had called me about 10 times between 2 and 3am. The messages were horrible. He said things like ” who are you f-ing you f-ing pig, and I am going to come and kick your ass” . Of course I was home alone but he believed as usual that I wasnt. I never went back to sleep and had a huge presentation the next day that was so hard. He called me the next day and I asked him why he did this. He said becasue he had been at my house and there was beer in the fridge and that got him thinking that I must be entertaining men!! He went to his cousins house and proceded to drink and slander me telling them what a slut I am all night and that i cant be trusted. I realized then that this is likely what he always does as he uses it as an excuse to get drunk.
I cant tell you how much that hurts me. I have never once even considered cheating on this man and the way he talks about and treats me is awful. I have to wonder what would have happened if I had opened the door tuesday night. He came there becasue he believed I was cheating on him (again)and was very angry from his thoughts. I havent heard from him since Weds eve. when he tried to call and ask if I was mad at him. I lost it on him. Not sure what will happen now but I am trying really hard to break away for good.
Susie

Hi Susie,

Sorry to hear that things aren’t going quite as you had hoped. This pattern of verbal abuse alternating with appologies and promises of it’ll never happen again is something I’m all too familiar with. All it does is get your hopes up only to have them knocked down again next time the accusations fly. I used to hope that it would get better but unfortunately in my situation it only got worse and more frequent. I think that people suffering from depression quite often have a real insecurity problem due to their low self esteem. If you are concerned that things might get out of hand physically, especially if he is drinking, please take steps to ensure your safety! The fact that he threatened to “kick your ass” should have alarm bells going off all over the place. Don’t wait until it turns violent, that happens way too often. I know you had said earlier that you had been to see an abuse counselor, it might not be a bad idea to go back and ask their opinion on what steps you could take to protect yourself. At the very least make sure you have friends and/or family that you could contact quickly in an emergency situation and make those people aware of what has been going on. No one should live in fear for their personal safety! While I always try to refrain from suggesting people give up on a relationship, if you and I were sitting chatting over a cup of coffee and you told me what you have been subjected to, I would be telling you to run as fast as you could! I hope that you are able to stick to your convictions and look out for yourself this time. I know you tried before and gave in (a lot of us have done the same, sometimes more than once) but it is never too late to start taking care of you and moving in the direction you want your life to go! I wish you all the best and I’ll be looking forward to hearing how you are doing!

Mike

Thanks Mike. I actually did go to see a councelor today. She told me that unless he gets major help, there is nothing I can do and it will only get worse. I feel like I have been brain washed into believing that I am some horrible person or cheating slut like he says. I am like an abused woman. I am even nervous about my email, my phone messages and what I put in my fridge. He thinks everything is a sign that I am cheating on him. Anything can set him off, even me playing volleyball because he says he sees me looking at other men. I walk on eggshells constantly and my self esteem is absolutely shot. The worst part for me is how he trashes me to people when he is in these states and tells them that I am cheating on him. I know that he actually believes it. I wish I could go away for a month and heal. It is so bloody cold here in Canada right now, if i could afford it, I would take off.

Susie,

Try not to get too down on yourself. It’s really easy to start believing all the nasty negative things they say after hearing them over and over again. Like you I started believing that I was a horrible person, the root of all her problems. It was only after I had been away from her for awhile that I started to gain some perspective and realize that I had been a victim so to speak. It seems that everyone on this board has learned to walk on eggshells, what a terrible way to go through life! I have to say I don’t miss that at all! As for him trashing you to other people, don’t worry about it. Those who are truly your friends won’t believe him and I think anyone who knows him will be sceptical at best. As for the cold, I’m in southwestern Ontario so I know how that goes. I’m looking forward to March when a few of us are going to Daytona for bike week. This constant cold and the short days wear on you after awhile. Stay strong Susie, work on your self esteem, do things you enjoy, play some extra volley ball if you get a chance. The exercise and social interaction is worth it’s weight in gold! Keep smiling…it gets better!

Mike

Thanks Mike. Its strange but for the first time in these 4 years I feel more numb than anxious. Its actually kind of a relief. I hope it lasts and that a lot of the grieving is behind me. It seems I have been in a high anxiety and grieving state for most of the last 4 years. When I think about going back, I feel like something bigger than me, wont allow it. Thanks again for all you helpful advice, I really do cherish it and this site. It has helped more than anything. Susie

Susie,

I’m glad that my comments have been helpful, that’s definately a two way street though. I’m so grateful for the input from you and everyone else on this board. When you’re feeling at your lowest it’s nice to read the words of encouragement here and know that you are not alone. I don’t think it’s anything bigger than you that won’t allow you to go back, I think that’s just you getting stronger and more determined. Living in that anxious state as you put it is emotionally draining and now that you’ve taken yourself out of that environment you’re beginning to heal. It’s not a quick process and you will have weak moments where you doubt yourself but you’ll get through them. Those moments become less frequent very quickly but it really helps if you keep busy doing things you enjoy. I found that too much sitting around left me over analysing everything. I leaned on my friends more than anything and actually forced myself to get out and socialize. My friends along with yourself and all the others on this board got me through the tough times. I still have the odd moment but they are few and far between. You’ll be ok too and you’ll feel stronger everyday! Good luck and remember you deserve to be happy!

Mike

Mike

I have been married to my depressed spouse for 24 years. Frankly, I think I am tapped out to give support. I am finding it extremely difficult. I love him and I know its through better or worse. I believe I’m at my worst now. I am trying to muster up strength to like him. However, that is difficult when everyday he acts like he hates me and his kids.

Like many of you out there, I am married to a man who is very much depressed. We’ve been together since high school, got married at 21, and have been married for a little over 3 and 1/2 years (together almost 8 years now). Things were great for a large portion of the time. My husband was happy, full of life, and had ambitions that blew me away. We took vacations together, enjoyed each other’s company much, and truly felt that we were meant to grow to old together. But a couple years ago, things began to change. I grew up, developed my goals and saw them through, finished college and began my career. Meanwhile, he began to sink into depression. He was unable to finish college, has had one mediocre job after another (which make him miserable because he knows these jobs are beneath him), and routinely thought (and still thinks) of suicide. He’s sad all the time, focuses on negative thoughts, and for some reason is always in physical pain (his back and feet). He finds it difficult to get out of bed in the morning, and sometimes sleeps 12 hours a day. He has gone to several doctor’s for his pain, but they are unable to diagnose him with anything. The pain killers they prescribe don’t work and exercise does nothing to alleviate his pain. Living with him like this has taken a deep tole on our marriage, to say the least. I feel like I’m the one doing everything- cooking, cleaning, working a full-time job, running all the errands. On top of that, as his wife, I’m constantly trying to build his self esteem and make him feel worth-while. I try really hard not to argue and when I have to confront him about something I try to be very delicate about it. We don’t go out much and I sacrifice a lot to stay by his side at home since he hates going out. All this while he struggles to go to work only to come home afterward to eat and sleep. I’m exhausted, and cold as it may sound, I feel like this is getting really old. We’re too young for this!

A few months ago, we finally decided that we should try living apart. It was his decision as he wanted time to be alone to sort things out within himself. The hope was that this would give us time to think, to grow-up on our own, and help us decide whether we want to continue this marriage or not. For me, I was hoping he’d see how good we had it when we did live together and make an effort to get some help. Today, he tells me counseling may be the answer, but he won’t pick up the phone and make an appointment with a doctor. I don’t know if he ever will. At times I tell myself that I should move on, get a divorce, and start anew. Other times I tell myself that I am going to commit to making this work and I remember my vows- through sickness and health, right?

We’ve been living apart for about 8 months. I feel some relief because I don’t have to take care of anyone but me. I come home, do my thing, and I can rest easily at night because I don’t have to worry about what he needs. I can finally take care of myself. We see each other most weekends and talk a little each day. And yet, even with his new found freedom and space, he is still depressed. He says he’s depressed because we don’t live together and thinks that if we move back in together things will get better for him. I don’t feel like that’s the answer. If he moves back in, he’ll just focus on the next negative aspect of his life. He’ll be no better off and I’ll go back to living like his caretaker. I told him that I refuse to move back in with him unless we get counseling. If he wants us to be together again, he needs to try and get well.

In the mean time, I find myself desiring other men. Men who have their acts together, who are upbeat, and who make good conversation. One man in particular has recently gotten my attention and, although nothing has happened between us, I find myself thinking about him all the time. He listens to me, makes me feel good about myself, and really makes me laugh. I started to distance myself away from him because I’m married and I feel guilty for having feelings him. But the feelings are still there, whether I see him or not. I’m just emotionally vulnerable right now and I know that this is just result of feeling so lonely for the past couple of years. But it’s treacherous ground.

My question is this- can people heal from depression? I know the husband I married is in there somewhere. How can I get him back?

Maria,

I’m sorry to hear what you are going through but I’m glad you found your way to this message board. I think you’ll find it very helpful sharing with everyone here. I know it was a breath of fresh air for me when I found my way here. As for your question. In my case things got progressively worse until I had to end the relationship. That being said, people do recover. More often than not it seems to be a case of managing the depression through proper medication and therapy or counseling. The one constant though is that the individual suffering from depression must want to get well and must take the appropriate steps. It’s all about being responsible for ourselves. You cannot love your husband well, all you can do is love and support him to the best of your ability. As you read through the posts here you will find it said many times that you have to take care of yourself first. If you let yourself get worn down emotionally you’ll find yourself getting depressed and you’ll be in no position to help your husband at all. As for desiring other men and the guilt that comes along with that, try not to be too hard on yourself. The fact that you recognize those feelings for what they are and have chosen not to act on them is what’s important. I think it’s quite common for those of us living with a depressed partner to feel very much alone and neglected. Because our spouses aren’t able to give us the emotional support, physical affection or intellectual stimulation that we need we instinctively seek that out elsewhere. Like you I felt alone alot of the time and found myself really enjoying the time I was able to share a good conversation with other women. I also recognized this for what it was and kept everything strictly to a friendship level but even then the guilt was hard to deal with. Getting involved with anyone else would only make things worse. All I can suggest is that you continue to try and get your husband to counseling, a doctor with a background in mental health would also be good. If you don’t feel comfortable with the counselor you go to, try another one. Like everything in life all counselors are not created equal and you may need to search a bit until you find the one that’s right for your husband. The same can often be said of anti depressant medication. It’s almost a trial and error situation to find the right medication. Good luck and I’ll look forward to hearing how you’re doing. Take care of yourself!

Mike

Hello Maria,

I feel so drawn to you because your story is a lot like mine. I am young, 29 years old, and have been with my husband for almost 8 years. We are currently separated because of his depression. Our house felt like a tomb and I was never happy to come home. As time progressed, I started to dislike him very much. That being said, since I have moved out things have gotten much better. I think he tries much harder because he wants me and our son to live with him again. He is taking his medication and seeing his psychologist and psychiatrist regularly. He is also trying to eat healthy and exercize. My husband like yours jumps from one job to the next, one major (in college) to the next and is always finding something wrong with life. It can be very draining. Unfortunately, unless it’s seasonal or circumstantial, depression never goes away. If you decide to stay with him you must understand that this illness is a lot like alcoholism. One can recover but is never fully cured. He will have to work his entire life to fight this depression. It’s sad to say. I am afraid to live with my husband for this very reason. I am so afraid that it will come back with a vengance and I will once again be miserable. As far as other men are concerned, I see nothing wrong with having friends, but I would advise against starting any relationships with anyone as it will only complicate your already complicated situation.

If you ever want to talk (type), I am always here. Like Mike, I find this board to be therapeutic and dont know what I would do without it. I look forward to reading everyone’s posts everyday and posting as well. Good luck with everything.

So Confused

Gosh! after reading all of your comments I realize that I have been doing the same things you all have and it is not working either. I have tried to be positive, I make up excuses to my kids about Dad, I am glad when he works late… Now I think I have reached my max. I have decided that I will let him go through his episodes on his own. He takes his medicine, he says he does not want to talk when he is depressed and wants to be left alone. I keep in touch with his therapist and psychiatrist and report the behaviors that I see so as to be able to keep him safe. I now realize I can not make him feel happy and I feel I am wasting my life away trying to please him. I have miss out of activities with my kids or out of having fun because I am always making sure he is ok. I am done. I need my mental health and emotions to be mine again.
Any ideas?

Paula,

It begins with you. First you need to start focusing on yourself a little more. We tend to forget ourselves when we are so focused on the needs of our spouses. Take the time for things that are important and enjoyable to you. Hobbies, recreation, movies, social gatherings, whatever it is that you enjoy that perhaps you have not indulged in recently. It’s all about YOUR mental health and well being and this is important for you whether you decide to stay in the relationship or not. It sounds like it might do you and your kids a world of good to get out together as well, they feel the stress too but quite often don’t verbalize it. It comes back to all the basics, eat right, exercise, sleep, all things that are so simple but easily neglected. If you have friends or family that you can speak comfortably with that helps as well. I tend to look at things in their simplest forms sometimes and I feel that good frank conversation with a trusted friend is the best form of therapy. In a nutshell Paula, you need to realize you are important and put yourself first occasionaly. That doesn’t mean you can’t still be supportive for your husband, in fact it will probably make it easier for you to do so. Good luck and take care of yourself!

Mike

Hello Paula,

I agree with Mike, you need to focus on you. I have tried to start living my own life again and not be so wrapped up in my husband’s depression. If he complains about the kids being left home with him, I suggest trying to find a reliable sitter, family member or friend who can watch them once a week. You need to get away and have some fun. Whether it is going out at night, taking up a hobby, working out or just relaxing at the park. I believe that this is how I have regained my sanity. You may also find that life can be a lot of fun outside of your husband. What I do with my husband now is I go out and I tell him that if he is going to be in a good mood he is welcome to join me otherwise I’ll talk to him later. Good luck with everything. Mike is right too, you need to find a friend or someone to talk to. I’m always here.

So Confused.

Thanks Mike. It is so nice to hear that I am not being mean or abandoning him when he needs me. Unfortunately, even though my husband is a great man, he is emotionally draining. I don’t have family in the country, they are all in Europe. I do talk to them on the phone. I have friends that I talk to but I am sure they are sick of hearing it. My husband’s family is not a resource either. Almost two years ago my husband and I and our six kids were in need of help (emotional support) and most of his family looked the other way. His family has not talk to him for a year and a half and they hate me. During his episodes my husband blames me for his family’s actions. He has a hard time realizing that his family is not what he thought them to be. And trust me I did nothing wrong… and I am not just saying that.
Mike thanks again for taking the time to respond.

Paula,

Don’t be too quick to think your friends are sick of hearing about things. A true friend will listen for as long as you need to talk. In my situation I do have family fairly close by but I’m not overly close with them. It was and still is my friends that support me. I in turn make sure that I can be counted on when they need my help. As for feeling like you are abandoning your husband, nothing could be further from the truth. What you are doing is taking the measures to make sure you are emotionally strong. That can only benefit you both along with your relationship! It sounds like you have a lot on your plate with six children as well so it is even more important for you to take a little time for yourself. As for my responding, I thank you for sharing so freely as we all do on this board. Just sharing our experiences helps us all. Take good care of yourself and don’t feel guilty at all! So Confused makes some great points as well. Offering her husband the opportunity to be included when he is in a decent frame of mind but also having the strength to tell him he’s not welcome when he’s in a funk is brilliant. As long as that is handled tactfully and with compassion, it will force her husband to make a concerted effort toward his own recovery if he wants to be part of the picture. Good luck and I’ll be looking forward to your future posts!

Mike

Hello all. Today I am having a bad day. My husband got mad at me last night because I called his psychiatrist and told him what is going on. Then he starting minimizing the situation and acting all chipper and saying he is not depressed (this is what he always does). I am so tired of this cycle. I told him I will continue to call any time I feel it is necessary if it will help him and us. Then he said “us?” I told him that I feel emotionally drained and that I am starting to not enjoy the time I spend with him. He totally minimize my feelings and told me to get over it. I got really mad and told him that I am not willing to live under this misserable circumtances any more. I told him I don’t want my whole life to be about trying to make him happy and to be there to pick up the pieces every time he cries because of his family. I told him that maybe we can use a brake from each other.
He then told me to not bring up divorce lightly. I told him I don’t. I am already divorced from a prior marriage and I know what a hellish thing it is to go through it. I told him I recent the fact that he is always obsessing about the fact that his family is not talking to him and not worrying about our relationship and our kids. We can have fun as a family because he is either depressed or obsession over his terrible family. I am tired!. He agreed to go to couples therapy. I woke up angry. Today I e-mailed that therapist and asked for an appointment. She promptly got back to us and then he said he could not do it until next week.
Then to make it worst I got a phone call from a job that I really want. They offered me the position but it comes with a large pay cut. Given my situation I don’t think it would be wise for me to take a pay cut right now since I am not sure if I will end up alone with 6 kids or not. If I was to stay married we could afford the pay cut but… that is so in the unknown right now. Thanks for reading.

Paula,

Try not to despair, there are going to be down days but you’ll get through them. It’s very common for the depressed partner to minimize the feelings or opinions of their spouse. When they are in their dark places everything is about them and no matter what you say or do, it will be the wrong thing. I know that counselors will say remember it’s not them talking, it’s the disease. Well, I know this is true but it doesn’t make it any easier for you to be supportive and understanding, in fact all it does is breed resentment. When it gets to be overwhelming try to remove yourself from the situation for a little while. Go for a walk, a drive, go to a coffee shop, anywhere where you can relax for just half an hour or an hour. That little mental break will help you keep your sanity. I said to someone in an earlier post that they needed to learn to be a little bit selfish and I’ll say the same to you. When it gets to be too much, make it all about you for just a short while to recharge your batteries. Whatever you decide to do, make the choice because it’s what you want to do. If you choose to stay and work on the relationship, great! If you decide you can’t do it anymore and need to start over, then good for you on that count as well. Either way there will be ups and downs but you’ll ok. The best thing is take it one day at a time and try to focus on the good things in your life (I can think of six right off the bat ). Good luck and I hope tomorrow is a better day for you!

Mike

Thanks Mike for your great comments and support. I also wanted to thank “so confused” for her supportive comments before. I am too tired to type and even think about this mess. I will get back to you all when I get my motivation back. I will do what you said Mike “I will try to be a little more selfish”

I just discovered this website tonight, and it is a relief to read your comments that express the same numerous concerns that I feel. My husband has slowly become depressed over the past few years, and he just recently agreed to seek treatment. It is still very rocky. I read “walking on eggshells” many times, and that is just how I feel. He is distant, critical, and self-centered — a very different man than I married. I miss my husband and the love we shared for a very long time. A part of me works day and night to love and care for him, and another part of me feels that it would be better for our family if I asked for a divorce.

I am blessed with great children and loving friends, yet I cannot help but feel deep regret for the marriage and life we may never have again.

Hi there Paula, Mike, Maybe there’s hope:

I feel so relieved to know that there are other people out there who understand what this is like. It’s so difficult explaining what living with a depressed spouse is like. People say things like “No one ever said marriage would be easy” and “everyone gets down sometimes.” But they don’t understand what it’s like to live like this day in and day out.You start to look at your spouse like a dependent rather than a partner. It’s rough.

So I mentioned previously that my husband and I are living apart, seeing each other on weekends, and talking on the phone almost every day. I thought this would give us an opportunity to get our feelings in order, work through some therapy, and rebuild his self esteem along with our marriage. Well, this hasn’t worked. We’ve been living apart about 7 months, and he still won’t make an appointment to see a therapist. So last week, I told him that we should not see or speak to each other for say, 3 months and within that time frame, I want him to see a doctor and really work on getting better. If he doesn’t, then I’m leaving him for good. I don’t like telling him what to do but I have to put my foot down. I love him deeply, but I love myself too and I deserve to to live a happy life. I just hope this will spark something inside him to realize that he deserves a happy life too.

As for me (and my advice to you, as others have said on this message board) I’m going to start taking better care of myself. I’ve started going back to the gym, enrolled in dance lessons with some friends, and am trying to have more of a social life in general. Getting out for a little while and interacting with other people is so refreshing and is so necessary to keep from falling into depression yourself!

Wishing you all the best. Hang in there.
-M

Oh, I meant to ask- Do any of you know if physical pain can be caused by depression? My husband always has a lot of back pain and no doctor as been able to tell him what it is. He’s had X-rays, scans, gone to a chiropractor, taken all sorts of pain killers. But the pain will not go away.

Maria,
I am a nurse and yes physical pain can be due to depression especially chronic pain. Wishing you luck in your endeavor and hopefully this will be a wake up call for your spouse. My prayers are with you.

Hello All,

It has now been almost two months since I moved out of the house that my husband and I share with our son. I have felt so free in my new apartment. I have food! (He usually eats it all up.) The house doesn’t seem so gloomy all the time. We see each other almost daily and talk on the phone every day. He is going to his psychologist and psychiatrist regularly. He’s trying, but not as hard as he can. As I previously stated, he jumps from major to major, job to job when things aren’t going well. Well he told me the other day that he now wants to be a doctor. He feels that he’s spent 8 years in community college and now wants to go to a well ranks private college. As if that is going to be easier than community?! I have nothing to say. It’s ridiculous, but I have nothing to say. If he wants to waste his money paying for classes that aren’t completed then he can do so. I’m not paying for it anymore. He also promised me that if I stick with him for 10 years, I will never have to work again. This is reminiscent of our dating years when I was promised the moon and the stars. He’s in an upswing right now though. It could be much worse. (Although he’s not making much sense now.) It has been much worse. I still dont think that it is a good idea for us to live together again in the near future. There is too much uncertainty and he changes with the tide. Right now I’m just going to enjoy our living situation and play it all by ear.

So Confused

P.S. Yes, depression can bring on physical pain. If you’ve ever noticed, a lot of people that suffer from depression see physicians a lot and take a lot of medication. I think it’s partially because they are always finding things wrong with themselves and also because this depression brings on ailments that are not causally related to any real illness (except for depression). It’s totally in their mind.

Hang in there everyone!

I’m so sick of my life and my childrens life not being happy or fun because of my husband. His presence will suck anything good out of the room. He has so much to be happy about. He also uses his depression as an excuse to screw up morally. I’m to the point were I know he will never break his pornography addiction because he blames his depression. I now have 3 kids and starting a new life seems harder than dealing with him and his baggage. he’s been on zoloft for 4 years and has stopped because he says it makes him feel like a robot. he tried wellbutrin and it didn’t work. He won’t try anything else and I can’t force him too, but what do I do. I feel like life is suppose to be so happy and with him in my life, how is that possible?

Paula, Maria, So Confused, Maybe There’s Hope,

Boy it all sounds so familiar doesn’t it? The constant promises of things will be better, just hang in there, the constant visits to doctors and medication for ailments real or imagined. It’s such a vicious circle but it always seems to follow the same path, our stories are all very similar. I know that as I read everything I could get my hands on to try and understand what she was going through it occured to me that it was as if someone had followed her around and detailed her life. It wasn’t until I found this site that I began to understand the pattern and that each of us could say the same thing. Unfortunately there is no quick fix, I really don’t know if there’s a fix at all. I truly believe that it’s more a case of accepting it is what it is and deciding to live with the situation. In cases where the person with depression acknowledges the illness and takes all possible steps to help themselves there is hope. If the person acknowledges but refuses to take those steps then the situation never improves. At that point we make our decisions. It’s so easy for people who have never experienced anything like what we are dealing with to say “for better or worse” or “no one ever said marriage would be easy” or “everyone gets down sometimes”. They should walk a mile in the shoes of someone who has lost themselves in the quest to help their loved one find themselves. Someone who has lived with constant verbal abuse, unfounded accusations, physical assaults, constant tears and loneliness. Yes we all take our commitments and vows very seriously but I will not apolagize for choosing to save my sanity and have a life, I tried everything I could to help and support her but it was never enough, never could be enough. So to those of you in the terrible position of having to make that choice, I feel for you, but whatever that choice may be don’t ever feel guilty! To those that would suggest we should all go through life suffering with our partners no matter what, I would say perhaps that is the easier choice. It’s very hard to leave someone that you love, but when they refuse to help themselves or be helped, it might just be the right decision and it takes strength! No one has the right to judge you! I’m really sorry for the rant but I get very irate when I read some of the comments that are made by people who have no comprehension of what it’s like. It somehow belittles everything I went through with a woman that I loved dearly but could no longer live with. Letting her go was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do but it was the right thing and I had to be damn strong to get through it. Thanks in large part to the support on this site and that is why I keep coming back here to try and offer my support to others. Good luck to all of you and don’t let anyone make you feel small!!
Mike

Mike: I did what you suggested “be a little more selfish”. This past weekend I went ahead and planned activities with the kids without my husband. I did tell him where we were going and what time… but I told him he was not welcomed unless he was willing to have a good time.
On Saturday I planned to go to McDonalds (the ones that have the indoor playground) for lunch and have the kids play in the indoor playground because it is too cold outside. It is a cheap and fun activity to do with six kids.
My husband tried to change my mind about going. He kept saying it was the stupidest thing I had ever come up with and that it was too far from where we live. Well I told him that I did not care what he thought of my idea and that I was going to go anyway.
When the time to go came. I started loading the kids in the minivan one by one. My husband realized then that I meant business and decided to come along. The entire way there he kept saying “where is this place?” so I kept telling the kids to tell Daddy to stop asking if we where there yet.
The kids all started telling Daddy to stop asking… and to wait until we got there. When we got there, I ordered lunch and had the kids go to the play area. The kids had such a great time and so did I. I spent most of the time talking to other mothers and making comments about their kids. After a while my husband joined in and actually seemed to enjoy himself. We were there for two hours.
On the way back, the kids could not stop talking about how much fun they had. It was great the greatest two hours in a long time. The rest of saturday was uneventful. My husband was busy doing house stuff and I was busy with the kids.
On Sunday I again planned an activity with the kids. We spent most of the day baking cookies and doing fun stuff around the kitchen. My husband joined the activity on and off but did not ruin our day.
On Monday and Tuesday my husband had to work so it was great. The kids and I did fun things and had a good day.
For the very first time EVER my husband made me coffee on Monday and Tuesday before he went to work. It was the first time in a long, long time that he thought of someone else other than himself.
I know the battle is not over, but I refuse to let him suck the life out of me. I do have six children, and even though I want to separate I have to try this one last thing because I will be affecting six lives not just mine if I were to separate.
Mike: Thank you for this little great piece of advise. I will continue to be selfish and hopefully my husband will learn how to be more thoughfull and enjoy life. He still takes his medicine, we go to couple’s therapy but I think he is learning a great lesson by watching me moving on with or without him even if we are still married. THANKS

Mike,

You are far from small! The fact that you log in almost, if not, every day to check in with everyone shows how compasionate you are. People do tend to think that we dont take our vows seriously because we refuse to live a life of torture.

The comment you made about the promises is hilarious. Here my husband is one minute telling me that I will never have to work again (if I just hang in there for 10 years) because he’s going to be a doctor, and the next minute he’s telling me that he’s looking for $12.00 an hour job (a big cut from what he makes now)! He is currently in danger of losing his job. His first thought was “I am not going to have enough money for my meds”. Not “I am not going to have enough money to help you pay for the two homes we have”. Bear in mind that he takes about 8 different medications for various different ailments that he has (he just turned 30). That comment alone seemed very selfish. It’s always about how they feel. How they will be affected. He commented on how the only jobs he saw were 30-60 minutes away. Forget that I commute an hour by train each way to work every day!! Not only that but I work a ton of overtime when he only works the minimum.

Okay, end of my rant. Lol. I forgot where I was going with this post. Haha.

So Confused

Paula, So Confused,

I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to “hear” the tone in your last posts! I don’t know if it really is possible to hear a smile but I think I did with both of your posts. You both sound so much stronger than you did just a little while ago. Paula, I’m glad that my advice is helpful in any small amount but it really comes from yourself in the end. I think we all know what we need to do for ourselves to stay happy and healthy but we forget as we go through the daily struggles with our partners. It just takes someone to remind us occasionally that we are important too! So Confused, it was great to “hear” you laughing at the end of your rant…lol…sometimes it just feels good to get things off our chest and when you’re on this site it helps to know that others are listening and understanding what you are going through. I had to laugh at your last comment, I’m glad to see it’s not just me that forget’s where the heck I’m going with my posts sometimes! I do want to say again, thank you for all your positive comments and kind words, they mean a lot! I hope everyone has a great day! Keep smiling, everyone will wonder what you did!!!

Mike

This post is the best thing that has ever happened to me. First, it is cheaper than therapy and second, it is all about me and not my husband (our therapy sessions revolve around how to help him).
I too agree with Mike, “so confused” you made me laugh with your comments!
I am feeling so much better inside!… and it is all just because I decided to be a little selfish and put myself first. I should have done that a long time ago. I feel like smiling at work again! and I am not as quick at getting down with other situations not directly involved with my private life. Today, three women at work were mean to me in a passive aggressive way. I did notice what they were doing but I kept smiling and it did not affect my day at all! Later, a guy that works with me came to speak to me in private and told me that he too noticed how mean those three women had been to me. He complimented me on the way that I did not let it affect me and actually asked me “how do you do that?”
I smiled real big and I thought about this post! I told him that I had gotten some real good advice ” you have to be a little selfish sometimes”. I told him that those women were trying to ruin my day but since I am only going to focus on how my day is and I don’t have to prove anything to them, it did not matter to me.
He sat in my office for a minute and thought about what I said. He then said… you know what you are right! I think I am going to try that too.
Thanks to everyone on this post I was able to gain a new skill and even help someone else.
I am trying to stay realistic though… and I am affraid that things will hit the fan again with my husband at some point. That has been the pattern: things get good and then bad again. This time I need to be strong enough to not let it get bad again and brake the cycle.

Paula,

I am glad to hear that you are doing better. It is an up and down thing, unfortunately.
Your strength has nothing to do with whether things get bad again. Your husbands emotions are not something that you can control. The only thing you can control is how you react. In turn he may react differently. I’m proud of you for how you took control despite your husbands initial attempts to derail your McDonalds outing. Because you did he actually got involved and your kids benefited. Keep up the good work! I’ll be praying for you!

Mike:

I am doing better. I have always been comedic but with everything going on lately I have allowed it all to affect me and how I act (no longer my cheerful self). Even someone at work commented on how I seem brighter and that I looked really down before. My husband is down about work. I’m here for him, but I’m still enjoying life! Our son misses dad and wants him to live with us again but I think he’s enjoying life more too! No more walking on eggshells or missing out on time with me because I’m busy trying to cheer dad up. Money is very, very tight right now and I dont know what to do about my houses, but what are you going to do. I just take it day by day.

I have lived with a depressed wife for too long (20 years). The only reason I stay married is for the children. I see other happy couples and I am so jealous. I am so unhappy.
should I stay married for the children or is that wrong??

Patrick:

Only you can decide what is right for you and your children. I see you have been married for 20 years. How old are the children? Do they understand what is going on? Do you think that you are harming more than helping by staying with your wife? Does she make an effort to change? Unfortunately there is no right or wrong answer. If there was, the decision I need to make would be that much easier.

Patrick, if i can steal a quote from Dr. Phil. He always says ” its better to be from a broken home than to live in one”. I dont know what your situation is, but if after 20 years it hasnt changed or gotten better, I would say, you have earned your right to some peace. If you had shared custody, at least your kids would have a good life half the time without the drama, roller coaster ride and walking on eggshells. This might give them an opportunitty to see that there is another way of living. Good luck with your choice, I know how hard it is! Susie

Hi All,
Just wanted to say don’t despair! It’s a tough road we’re on but there are better days ahead. Patrick I have to agree with Susie, after all those years you are entitled to some peace and harmony in your life. I never advocate for someone to give up on a relationship but I am a big proponent of taking care of yourself. We all make our choices for different reasons and at different points in the relationship but at the end of the day life is too short to live in constant sadness and misery. Wether you stay in the relationship or not, don’t neglect your own health and well being which is something we tend to do. If you read back through the previous posts you’ll see a lot of talk about being a little selfish for ourselves. That doesn’t make you a bad person, in fact the happier you are the better able you’ll be to support your wife should you decide to stay in the marriage. Good luck!

Paula, So Confused, Susie,

I want you all to know that I look forward to your posts and I’m so happy for you when you have a positive change or moment in your lives. When you have those off days remember we all do and they always pass. Keep looking after yourselves and know that we are all pulling for you! We never know our true strength until we are pushed to our limits, only then do we see how resilient we really are! We are all tougher than we realize!

Have a great day!!!
Mike

Hi – I read some of the posts today. I am actually the depressed person in the family. I just have a few suggestions for anyone who’d like to listen. Real quick background about my situation: I had an eating disorder at a young age and recovered in college. I found through therapy that anxiety/depression were always lurking right beneath the disorder. Long story short, I’ve come a LONG way and can definitely offer help from my side. First of all, my relationship with my husband changed dramatically when I realized he was not there to make me better. He was not there to take the depression away. He always seemed to help – just by being who he was – but I realized I was not his responsibility. Depression is my baggage and it is my responsibilty to reach out when I need it. I have to sit in it…and beleive me, it sucks, but I have to help myself first. I can lean on my husband, lean on family and friends, but I can’t smother them or be mean to them. It just doesn’t work and any help they try to offer because worthless.

I suggest you let the person that is depressed read some of these posts. They will hear the other side. They will hear what you are going through in someone else’s voice. They all have similar themes to them.

I also suggest talking to your loved one when they are in a good place. Have a conversation that in order to make this marriage work, you need to get some help together. They need to take ownership of their disorder and find some solutions.

Sometimes it is very difficult because depression can be all consuming. Believe me, I know this. But if you can help them on their feet, at that point all you can do is help them walk. Hopefully some day they will want to run all by themself. Sorry if that sounded cheesy, but it was the best way I could think to describe it! Best to all of you

Kristen:

Thank you so much for posting your perspective. What do you do when you’ve been supportive and are met with a nasty attitude? What do you do when you have talked until you are blue in the face and still aren’t being heard? What do you do when you fear that you are going to lose everything because the depressed spouse is consumed with his/her own feelings and are not meeting you half way (or even 1 third of the way)? I am not trying to be mean. These are questions that I try to answer for myself everyday. I have had no luck and just give up trying to answer them, but these are questions that need to be answered. I have read past posters who have said that they basically just ignore their spouse and live their own lives. Do you recommend this? I’ve tried it (while living together) and it didn’t make the situation any easier. Maybe in the beginning but not after he got used to it. I’m literally at the end of my rope. I’m hanging on, but I’m not sure how much longer I can.

Once again, thanks.

So Confused

So Confused:

I’m sorry that you are going through this. I know it is debilitating to a relationship. Sounds like so far he/she doesn’t hear your words and honestly, living your life and ignoring her/him is ignorning the problem. I don’t feel that it is possible living long-term by ignorning it because it builds resentment on both ends.

I think you have to ask yourself a few things. Is this a quality of life that you can live with forever? If not, then take action. It is time to tell your spouse that things need to change or else you simply cannot be in a relationship like this. This quality of life is not working for you. Let your spouse know that you are willing to be supportive, but you must move forward. Are they willing to go to couple counseling? Individual conseling? If not, are they willing to do workshops or workbooks with you?

Set a date in your mind (for YOU to know only). From now until then, do as much as you can to push the relationship/depression forward. When that date comes (whatever feels comfortable for you)if absolutely NOTHING is different, it’s time for a separation. By setting a date, it gives you a goal. From now until then, you don’t need to think about whether you need to leave and constantly questioning yourself. Live each day from now until that date as a brand new day, knowing you will have the opportunity to re-assess soon. If you see some progress, set another date, move forward and so on.

Sometimes the scare tactic does work. If my husband said he would leave me if I didn’t get help for myself and/or our marriage, that would definitely give me a little energy to do something about it (even on my darkest days).

If your spouse doesn’t want to be helped and is comfortable with the way things are, I promise you your situation will remain the same. You have to ask yourself, do you want to stay in this relationship as is? Aren’t you worth more than that?

If they do want to be helped and don’t want to lose you, let the healing begin.

Hope I helped even a little. I’m open for any questions.

Most Sincerely,
Kristen

Hi All. Some how I came across these posts and I was so relieved that there are other spouses out there that feel as I feel. My husband is the depressed one, but I feel horrible that I can’t relate to him. We have only been married for a year and a half (he has a daughter but we have no children at the moment). However, we’ve been friends for 14 years. He started to get depressed around October and it’s been so hard on our marriage. Before we even started dating I had mentioned to him that I had pulled away from our friendship because he was always so depressed and I’m completely the opposite. So now I feel as if I was tricked into falling in love with this person that never really existed. And also ever since we have been together it has always been one problem after another and it’s just draining the life out of me. I was always so cheerful no matter how bad or stressed I was but now I can’t help at times to be affected by his moods. I feel worse that I’m reading about some of you who have been going through this for years and I’ve only been dealing with this for four months but I’m just don’t know how…

At times he even asks me why would I want to continue in this relationship or even have children with someone this depressive but I’m so hopeful that he will find that light that he once found and could be the person I married. He just started seeing a psychiatrist and/or psychologist and is also on medication so it shows me that he is trying to get better but I can’t continue this way. I have just recently started to go out with friends and family to enjoy some time apart and for me to feel relieved from all that negativity.

P.S. my mother is also very depressed at the moment so I’m just feeling overwhelmed by depression all on its own.

Drained

Well you were all correct. There are ups and downs. I am on the downs right now. We had such a great week and a half just because my husband decided to change his attitute.
Yesterday I found out that he lied to me. He has been telling me for months now that he has not talked to his sister for a few months and that it was my fault. Yesterday he got a card in the mail from her thanking him for giving her kids gift cards and that it was nice to have seen him at his work the other day. When I told him there was a card in the mail for him he got very nervous and did not want to open it. I insisted that he open it since he has been looking forward to reconnecting with his family. He opened it in hiding and then tried to hide it. I asked him if I could see it. When I read it I was very angry because it showed that he has been telling me lies. I did not discuss the issue before going to bed because I wanted to get a good night’s sleep. this morning I left him a note in his car letting him know that I am happy for him that his sister has showed him kindness and that I hoped it worked out for him. I also asked him why he lied? What is the need? How can he sleep at night of live with himself knowing he is lieing to his wife when his wife is always there for him? I also told him I did not bring it up last night because I knew he would just give me more lies and excuses like he always does.
When he got the letter he texted me and made all sort of excuses and then he said that he did not tell me because he knew about mad at his sister. I stopped texting him after that today. This is not the first time he lies to me or that he claims he does it to protect me. Why? I have told him many times I don’t need protecting and that I would like to have open communication. Does anyone know what to do?

Paula,

I don’t even know where I would begin…the lies she told me are to numerous to list. Whenever I caught her in a lie, she would just tell me another one to explain why she had lied in the first place. Sometimes she would get really angry with me, as if it was my fault because I had found out she had lied. Early on I would tell myself that I must have been mistaken or misunderstood somehow. I suppose I did this because I was in love and as they say love is blind. We always want to believe the best of our partners. As time went on the lies became harder to accept for me and it became harder for me to trust her. I wish I could offer some advice but from talking with others in the same situation it appears that the lying is quite common with depressed individuals. I don’t know if they are lying more to us or to themselves because they don’t want to face the truth. I’m sorry to hear you’re having to deal with this on top of everything else. Good luck and I hope things improve for you soon! Please keep in mind as always that it’s not all about him though. You get equal billing in the relationship so take care of yourself!

All the best!
Mike

Hi Jess, and welcome to the site. Its funny how we all stumble across it in our search for answers and help (mostly out of desperation). I really think that the lady that wrote in a few posts ago has great advice “she is the depressed one”. I really appreciate her perspective. She didnt come on here wanting our sympathy and to guilt us as some do. She offered some really good, constructive advice. Read her post again, she mentions what it would take to make a change in her. I have finally done that and have backed away from the relationship about a month ago saying this is his to deal with. They are the only ones who can change this and we are left banging our heads against the wall. I truely believe that the more we try and force things, the more they resist our efforts. I have come to a place where I said, I cant live like this anymore, it is making me sick. I said, I really hope you will get the help you need and that I am not shutting the door on us. I really did try everything to help him get better. I was the most co-dependent person I ever knew. I completely lost myself and focused only on him and his problems.. If he was having a good day, so was I, if he was having a bad day, week, month- so did i, and I suffered as much or more than he did. My work suffered, my health failed, and I lost great friendships. Please take care of yourself and keep getting out of the house and having fun. It may feel forced but there will be some fun moments. I pray your situation gets better, but if it doesnt, remember there are lots of great people out there who would be happy to spent time with you. Take care, Susie

Hello again. I just wanted to share something that happened to me today. I was having a difficult day yesterday and today. Not debilitating, but difficult. I went about my day as usual, taking care of my child, taking care of the house etc etc. The ‘cloud’ was definitely hovering above my head.

My husband brought home a gift from a client -a speaker system that amplifies his ipod. We played it in the kitchen tonight while we were doing things as a family. I had forgotten how much I liked music and what an incredible tool it is for me. Speaking from my perspective (depressed side) I can’t tell you what music does for my soul/mood/outlook. I noticed it actually made a difference in everyone’s mood, not just mine. So often we forget about music and spend hours on the computer or watching t.v. My son and I (he’s 3) danced around the kitchen to the music. The cloud lifted and I I saw clear again. My husband and I switched back and forth between album selections. I can’t believe I forgot how uplifting music is for depression. Just thought I’d share. Might help some of you to bring the music into the living area more often.

The other thing I thought of while reading some of the posts. My therapist taught me this a long time ago. I think it applies to many of us. There are three components to a relationship, not two: individual, individual and the relationship. Two small circles (individuals) surrounded by one large circle (the relationship). Each one must be there in order to maintain balance. Basically…don’t feel guilty when you take care of yourself. It’s absolutely necessary in order to sustain the relationship!

Thanks again for listening. This site has helped me too.

Kristen

Hi All. I’m about to marry a woman who has had depression all her life. She has had a real bad day today. We met via the internet on a penpal web site and although it’s sometimes hard I have never regretted one single day I have known her. It was a full 20 months before we met in person. You see she lived far away from me in a very different part of the world. We met on two occasions for a period of five months. When I asked her to marry me I cried my eyes out. In fact we both cried out eyes out. Since that day I have been walking on air. We had to wait almost 3 months before her visa arrived at her house so she could come to England so we could get married. It was on my third visit to her country and it was a Tuesday night just before bed when my girlfriend just happed to look at her E-Mails and there it was. The marriage visa was on is way via the post. I must of read the E-Mail a hundred times while all my girlfriend could do was sit on the floor crying. Because of her depression she had already decided that she was going to be refused a visa to come to England so we could get married. I don’t mind admitting it was hell waiting for those 3 months. We cried and laugh many times on the phone. Every morning I would come down to my computer to see if I had an E-Mail from her. You see for the first 3 months I was in England and for the last month I was in her country while we waited for the visa. Anyway enough of that. I remember once hearing somebody say that people who have depression don’t suffer from depression but have depression and it was the loved one’s (boyfriends, husbands, aunt’s, friends etc) that suffer from the depression. At this present time I couldn’t agree more with that statement. Yesterday we were to meet two of my work mates for lunch. The two people are in general positive people and so I was hoping that this possessiveness would rub off on my girlfriend. We drove all the way to the restaurant and once I parked outside I called one of them to see how long they would be but unfortunately that morning they were told to work in another part of London so were unable to come for lunch. Up to then things were going well? My girlfriend was nervous and made idle chat as we drove to the restaurant but once there and once we knew my work mates were not coming my girlfriend changed. I have come to know when she is going to be a little down as I have come to call a depressed episode. I had night duty last night and at 22.30 hours my mobile phone went off with a text from my girlfriend. Unlike the texts the pervious night that were positive I just know that this time the text was going to be so very negative. Today as I lay in bed trying to get some sleep from my night work I knew that once I woke up I would be getting more negative texts. You see my girlfriend won’t talk to me but waits for me to take the dog for a walk or go buy some milk before sending me a text. The bit I’m finding the hardest is the changes from one day to the next. Two nights ago when I went off the work my girlfriend stood by the front door and waved me off. Last night there was no reaction as I left. How could someone be so loving one night and the next night so unloving? I know is the depression that makes her this way and not her but it still hurts. What is not helping is we are in the middle of a cold snap with snow on the floor. This time last year I was walking around in shirt sleeves but today as I walked the dog I had to wear pyjamas under my clothes to try and keep warm. I can take the weather as it comes but my girlfriend hates the cold. I wish instead of hating everything and everyone and seeing everything in a negative manor she could look at the snow in a positive way. Snowball fights and snowman building instead of “I’ve never been so cold in my life and going to bed”. Is only 20.30 at night and she has been in bed for almost 3 hours. What also hurt is that my girlfriend thinks that I have changed. I have told her that is hard not knowing from one day or should that be from one minute to the next what frame of mind she will be in. We could walk to a shop hand in hand and because they haven’t got an item in stock she will walk back to the car in a huff. I’ve been looking on the internet for suppose sites for my girlfriend and found this one. I have no idea if any of the above has made any sense to anyone let alone me but it was good just to talk to someone who maybe knows what I’m going through. My girlfriend is upstairs in bed and when I go to bed I will kiss her on the head and say “good night Hun” and hope that the woman I love will wake up next to me in the morning. The trouble is the weather report says snow, snow and more snow with grey skies so I guess not. I Love her so much so am going to keep going. The good times far outweigh these times. I Love you Hun, Always and Forever.

Paula:

The lying sounds like a copout to me. I am not trying to be negative but who knows why they do what they do. Sometimes it’s all very bizarre. Yes, they do go through ups and downs and as quickly as he went up (i.e. going to mcdonalds with you and the kids), he will come crashing down just as fast if not faster. In my opinion, you need to let him know that you will not tolerate being lied to. If he continues to do it, it will just get worse and worse.

I wish I could tell you the secret to fixing your mess. I cant because I dont know the secret to fixing mine. I wish I could say that it will get better, but I dont know that. Maybe they will, maybe they wont. I would strongly recommend NOT trying to understand him or fixing his problems. He has to fix them and, unfortunately, you will likely never understand.

I cannot stress this enough. TRY to have a life outside of him. You have to make yourself happy. Your children and you deserve that much and so much more.

I will continue to pray for you.

-So Confused

Jess:

I’m very sorry that you are going through what many of us have endured for years. I’m very sure that your husband loves you and didn’t try to trick you into falling in love and marrying him. We all tend to put our best foot forward when trying to win the object of our affection. If he honestly showed you what you are seeing now, would you not have headed for the hills?! I know I would have if I knew that my husband would have put me through the hell he has. I used to think the same was as him. I felt tricked. He made all of these promises and has not fulfilled most of them (the only one he has is that he has always loved and treated my son as his own – but that’s a biggie ). I understand when you say that he will ask why you want to be with him. I think this is all a part of them feeling sorry for themselves. My husband has said this countless times and when I have said “fine I wont be with you” he made it about me not caring about him. It gets really old after a while.

If you were once a cheerful person, you need to find that and bring it out again. You cant fix your husband. All you can do is live your life and try to be a friend to him. I’m sorry that this probably sounds pretty negative. I have been dealing with this for a while and I have read posts from people who have dealt with him 5 times longer. I’m not saying that there is no hope, but most importantly you need to take care of yourself.

I used to want to have a child with my husband so much. He would continuously tell me lets wait until I’m finished school (he’s been going for 9 years and still doesn’t have an associates because he keeps changing and dropping classes). Now I think that God was looking out for me because the load would be that much heavier if I had another child to take care of in addition to dealing with him and his problems.

By no means am I telling you you should leave your husband. You just need to know what lies ahead. It wont be easy. It can get better for years, but the depression may (noticed I said may) come back. If you stay, it’s up to you how you deal with it. I strongly recommend living your life.

God bless.

-So Confused

Just an update on my current situation-

As everyone who I talk to (mainly Mike, haha!) knows, I am separated from my husband. I have made it pretty easy for him to access me though. I only live 5 blocks away from our house. I have been living my life and hoping that he will get his together. Constantly I say the same things over and over again and each time he acts as though it is his first time hearing me. For example, I suggested that he look for another job every single day. He said “thanks babe, that sounds like a good idea”. I must have told him that a hundred times. I dont really see where much progress has been made. He’ll look constantly for a week and then drop off. He’s supposed to be concentrating on getting himself to where he needs to be but he’s always trying to come over to my apartment. The fact that we have a son makes the situation especially hard because he wants to see dad whenever he can.

I have been living my life. Going to Atlantic City for the night. Making dinner plans with friends. Going to Vegas in March with my cousin. I’m having a great time. I wish he could be there with me, and when he has it together he can. Right now he doesn’t have any money to do anything which is why I suggested him getting a second job. I refuse to pay his way. I’ve done it in the past and whenever I try to do something to help him he just gets used to it and it is one less thing that he feels he needs to be responsible for. I truly love my husband. I dont think that there is another man out there that would love me and my child the way he does. He tells me all the time how I am the best person in this world. I think he means it, but the depression causes him to act another way a lot of the time. As much as I love him, I am prepared to love him from a distance. This is not what I want and I change my mind two to three times a day. haha. But, I cant allow myself to get lost in his depression again. I have suffered financially, physically and mentally. I pray that we have our happily ever after, but realize that that’s not always a reality.

So Confused,

I’m sure it’s not just my imagination…in your recent posts you just sound so much stronger, so much more confident! I know it’s not easy living as you are when all you want (like we all do) is to be with the one you love. The fact is you’ve made some tough choices to help your relationship and I think that shows a lot of strength and determination! As for your comments to Jess sounding negative…not in the least, just truthful. The reality of the situation is sometimes hard for us to face but it is what it is and you were just putting things in perspective. By the way, it’s very obvious that you truly love your husband and I’m sure he loves you too! On that note, please don’t tell yourself that there isn’t anyone else who would love you and your son the way he does, you shouldn’t sell yourself short! While I hope you are able to get through this and keep your marriage together and have a long happy life together, the fact is that if you do end up parting company, that just means it wasn’t meant to be but there will be someone to love you and your son just as much! Remember that you and your son are important and that your husband is lucky to have the two of you in his life. Any relationship has to be a two way street to be successful! Anyway, I apologize if it sounds as if I’m preaching, that’s not my intent. I just wanted to remind you that you and your son are just as important to the relationship as your husband! Just a quick update at my end. It seems after more than four months that my ex fiance is finally going to be moving her furniture and personal things out this week. While I’m looking forward to taking that next step and moving on, I’d be lying if I didn’t say there is a definite sadness about the whole process. Hopes and dreams never die peacefully do they? Oh well, as they say, if it doesn’t kill us it makes us stronger! Thanks to all who come here to share!

Have a nice evening!
Mike

I, too, am married to a spouse with clinical depression (drug resistant). We’ve been married for seven and a half years and have a beautiful 3 year old son. I would love to say that our relationship has experienced highs and lows over the years, but for the past five and a half years, since the depression took over, this really hasn’t been the case. There are awful times (like right now) interspersed with tolerable times. What was once a close relationship has dissolved into a loose association much devoid of mutual interests, respect and love. God Bless her and I for what she has lived through over the past 6 years, but no doubt the depression has taken its toll on Us.
Yes, I have very similar experiences to others that have blogged here. The guilt, the negativity, the sexual isolation, the walking on egg shells… As you all know, it is so difficult to maintain a positive aura when surrounded by so much negativity. But I didn’t come here to write about that.
I just came here to share what I am feeling (which is really difficult for me to do). I am lonely. I have not really spoken to anyone about my wife’s illness. My mother and her mother know about it, but for different reasons, it is very hard for me to talk about it with them. I don’t feel comfortable talking about it with friends because of the stigma associated with depression. All of this has left me feeling isolated in my struggle to cope with it. I have always thought of myself as an outgoing, social person. But more and more, I too, feel like I am retreating into myself. I find it difficult maintaining (or even starting) the close relationships that I once had with family members and friends. Is this an offshoot of my marital relationship breaking down? Sometimes I feel like if I can’t even preserve a relationship with the person I married, the one who I am supposed to love more than any other person in the world, my best friend, then maybe I am problem.
Except for my son, whom I cherish more than life itself, I feel alone.

I write for advice. I’ve posted before and read regularly but now I’m at a loss with the medical system. Everyone here knows how hard it is to get the spouse to a Dr. or any medical care, but what if the medical system fails you. Our family Dr. has “washed his hand” since we have tried all the drugs and nothing works for more that a few months and we went to see a psychatrist and she was so judgemental and moved her office without letting us know – 4 months later we found her and she didn’t wait him as a patient any more. What do you do? Now we wait for 6 months to see a new Dr. I’m tired of the hurry up and wait for help. We’ve tried the local mental health unit but they don’t work together with Dr. I’m so fustrated with the situations – hubby hasn’t worked in 2 years – no income from him for that time – no disability benefit – they get turned down because the Dr. doesn’t file the right stuff on time or completely ignores the requests.

Thanks for listening – if you have any advise, please share.

Yesterday was bad. It was the first time I cried in a while. I was told by someone that I really need to make a concrete decision. That I need to decide whether to have a real separation (hubby and I talk everyday) or just go back home. They made this suggestion because my husband doesn’t really think that I would truly leave him. He believes that I will always be there. I on the other hand have started to talk to another man. Not romantically. Just a little flirtatious conversation. I am not interested in a relationship with him or anything else. What I enjoy is the light conversation, the laughter, the positive attitude. I guess you can call that emotional cheating. At least that’s what my friend called it. The reason I cried was not because I want to be with the other man but because I want to be with my husband and know that the laughter, the light conversation and the positive attitude is something that I will never have with him. I can be hopeful but I chose to be realistic. After reading hundreds of posts on this site and others as well as talking to people who have been married to their depressed spouse for over twenty years, I have accepted that this is the way life is going to be should I choose to stay. I have to make a decision. Leave or stay and accept it. After a lot thought, I’ve decided to stay. I know that I will never have a lot of the things I envisioned, but I dont want to leave him. I cant imagine my life without him. Besides, who will he talk to? He has no real friends besides me. I’m sad. So very sad. I have chosen a life that I do not want because of my family (child and husband), but what’s the alternative? So many people make suggestions who have never been in my shoes. My one friend said “that’s the problem when there is no communication”. I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO COMMUNICATE FOR YEARS AND IT DOESN’T MATTER. HE DOESN’T HEAR ME. I’M TIRED OF TALKING.

Sorry for sounding so down. I try to be upbeat. That’s my nature, but it’s not how I feel today.

Dave,

I know exactly how you feel. I have the same thing, not knowing from one day (or instant) to the next when her mood will change for no apparent reason, seeing the negative downside in everyone and everything, this last one placing a particular strain on my relationship with friends and family.

I guess the most helpful thing I can say is that you are not alone, and that reading the stories of other people on this forum, as I’m sure you’ve already done, can really help combat the feeling that you’re the only person in the world who is having to deal with these issues.

Boris

Dear So Confused:

I read your posts and I feel like you are telling my story. I separated from my husband back in May but we continued to talk on the phone every day and we saw each other on the weekends. The hope being that the space would compel him to want to change and fight his depression. Eventually we’d move back in and we can go back to being a happy family. After 8 months of living apart, he still lives in a constant state of melancholy and has not even called a therapist to make an appointment. I, however, have been seeing a therapist to help me cope with this. She told me I also had to decide. Truly separate or get back together. I chose the former. In fact, it was my new year’s resolution- change. So in the beginning of January I told him I told him I was done, moving on, and would even see other people if the right guy came along. We haven’t spoken in weeks and I haven’t seen him in a month. Lately, I’ve been hanging out with friends, getting some exercise, taking care of myself and doing what I enjoy. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I’m badly heart-broken. I miss him terribly and just writing this brings me to tears. I go out dancing or go out for drinks and I so wish he was there with me. Like old times.

Determined to move on, I’ve taken his pictures down and have resolved to see other people. Recently, I engaged in flirtatious conversation with a guy. I enjoy his company, his humor, his optimism. He makes me feel alive, and my heart race. Nothing romantic has happened, but it has become an affair of the heart. I feel terribly guilty because I never thought I’d be in this situation. But here I am. I know I’m vulnerable and not ready to start a new relationship. So I’m being careful. But my emotions have become really difficult to juggle. I’m determined one minute, falling apart the next. I want to be with my husband (the one I married, not this impostor) but I can’t snap my fingers and make everything better. For my own sake, I need to move on.

To all of you out there suffering through this- here’s a toast to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. The operative word being pursuit. It’s not something that falls on your lap, it’s something you have to go out and get. My husband may not be ready or willing to pursue his happiness, but I am.

So Confused,

I’m so sorry to hear the sadness in your post. I know how hard it is to be torn, I thought I’d never get through it at times. While you may be in a low spot right now you will get through as well, you are much stronger than you realize! You weren’t meant to live a life of sadness so you will sort it out in your own time, one way or another. Please don’t give up hope! If you have chosen to stay then make a point of continuing to do things for yourself, and don’t feel guilty! It’s healthy in any relationship to have time apart and your own interests. Get involved in classes or clubs or organizations that make you feel good about you! Don’t lose your identity trying to save your husband, he has to do that himself! Take care of yourself! And please don’t ever apologize for being down, you have a lot on your plate, you are entitled to your emotions like everyone else.
Mike

Thank you Maria and Mike for responding to me. I really needed that. Maria, I told my husband yesterday that I want a very real separation. I do feel sad, but at the same time I think that I need this in order to think straight. I have been unable to make any real decisions because we have continued to essentially live as husband and wife, just under separate roofs. Every decision I have made has been with him in mind but I’m going to be a little bit selfish and think of me. I would be lying if I said that I’m not worried about how this will affect his relationship with our son (his stepson). I truly hope that things will improve and life will get better between us. We shall see.

Thank you both so much for the words of encouragement.

So Confused

It’s exhilarating, terrifying, and hysterically sad to read my story in all of your posts.

I’ve been with M. for 15 months. One month into our relationship, M., in (another) drunken episode, tried feebly to take his life. The following day, I laid it on the line in black & white: should he choose to continue his life from the bottom of a bottle, he was free to do so – but would do it without my presence. However, should he be ready for help, I would stand by his side through thick & thin, that it would suck and we would probably be really pissed at each other once in a while, but that I would never back down.

Now I’m regretting my decision to stand by him. M. is so intelligent, humorous, caring… and shy, and depressed. I have never felt so alone in a relationship in my life. I miss the man I knew just after he stopped drinking, when he was going to group help and AA and he had a plan for his life.

I want to get married, I want children, I want a real family and a real life with someone I can have real fun with.

I just lost my job due to this terrible economy and M. has been pretty supportive. I also own my own business, and he has been very supportive of that venture, as well.

But there is little to no intimacy in our relationship. M. loves to fish and loves me to go with him, but I cannot bring myself to go in the winter, and I’ve told him that numerous times. Conversely, he will never attend parties or events to which I invite him, probably due to his fear of being tempted by alcohol, but he also refuses my invitations to my family’s or friend’s gatherings, preferring to sit home in front of the TV alone.

Due to his long history with alcohol, M. no longer possesses a drivers’ license, and I am 90% of his transportation. I often feel that I am little more to him than a chauffeur, housekeeper,

It is all I can do to get him to put his arm around me or hold my hand, though my heart soars when he does. I don’t know if he understands that I’m not looking for the physical gratification from getting it on, but I really miss the emotional connection we share when we become intimate with each other.

I think I might just sit him down when he comes home from fishing

…when he comes home from fishing and ask him to read some of these posts. I don’t think he realizes that his depression hurts me, much as I’ve asked him to talk to his doctor about how he feels, or changing his meds, or the fact that we’re in our 20s and we have the sexual relationship of the stereotypically “old” couple.

but at the same time… this is NOTHING I’ve not said before… and since I have to keep saying it, is it really worth it?

I’m lost.

Jeepers,

Sorry to hear what you are going through but I’m glad you found your way to this post. For so many of us it has been a beacon of light on some very dismal days.

Like you I made a promise to stand by my ex fiance no matter what. In the end, after suicide threats, a suicide attempt and finally her attacking me and being charged and removed by the police, I broke that promise. Even at that point I felt guilty for not being able to live up to the commitment I had made to a woman I was madly in love with. I felt I was walking away from her at her lowest point, and then a friend pointed out that it wasn’t her lowest point, it was just her life and that was how it was going to be. After thinking about that for some time I realized my friend was right, the pattern was just repeating itself, as it had since I had known her and for many years before we met from what she had told me. Eventually I came to realize that I had made the only decision that I possibly could. I am by nature a very social individual. I have a good circle of friends and enjoy their company. Over time I had started to neglect my friends, my job suffered and I found myself getting depressed as I struggled to keep both of us up emotionally. As in your situation, our physical affection was a series of mountains and valleys, from passion to neglect. And like yourself I found myself missing the emotional connection that comes along with that physical interaction.

I guess what I’m trying to tell you in a nutshell is this. If you are able to stand by the commitment that you made and life improves for the two of you, then good for you and I hope you have a wonderful life together. The other side of the coin is this. If over time you find that things don’t change or improve and you decide to end the relationship, DON’T FEEL GUILTY!!! Yes it’s hard, terribly hard, but you are young and you have your whole life to live yet. I still have moments where I think of her and the life we had planned but I know that it was never going to happen. Life is too short to spend every day being an emotional lampost for your other half to lean on. A relationship has to be give and take, you can only give for so long before you become emotionally drained and end up just going through the motions as I did in the end. You need to take care of yourself. I’m not suggesting that you should leave the relationship, only telling you that if it comes to that, you will be ok! Good luck and I hope things get better for you soon! I’ll look forward to hearing how you are doing.

Have a wonderful day!
Mike

Hello All,

I hope that all of you had or tried to have a good weekend!

Jeepers: I’m sorry to hear what you are going through. We have all lived or are living it and you will make it through. Just remember that you are important too. I think that we all seem to lose sight of that. We all seem to have a nurturing nature so we feel compelled to take care of our significant others, but we must take care of ourselves too.

I hope talking to him helps and showing him the posts. I think that was a really good idea.

Let us know how you are doing. You can always feel free to vent here. (I sure do!)

So Confused

Jeepers,
Did your partner quit going to AA and councelling to deal with his drinking? If so, what you probably have is a “dry drunk”. Someone who behaves as a drunk just without the alchohol. Places like AA help those with addictions issues deal with that part, without it, you have the same problems, minus the alchohol. I would say, that you are sticking by him, but he really has not lived up to his end of the promise. Just not drinking does not deal with the problem or his deeper issues. I dealt with the same issue in my relationship. If I was you ” and the stong, confident woman I would like to be” (someday), I would tell him that living with the disease of alchoholism is a lifelong challenge. It doesnt go away because he went to a few meetings. Unless he is prepared to deal with the whole issue (drinking is only a small part), and is willing to do whatever it takes to fight the dragon inside, that this cant be your life. Please let him read these posts. Maybe the perspective of someone else will turn the lights on. Good luck, and God bless. Susie

Hello All:

Okay, it’s been a few days since anyone has posted so I thought I’d just add something. We are going into V-Day weekend and I hope that all of you stay strong. Know this weekend that the best love you can receive is the love you give yourself. Anything else is secondary (aside from children of course ). After a lot of thought, I have agreed to spend valentines day with the hubby. I cant think of anyone else I’d rather spend it with even though we are separated. It has been rough lately because he has been so nice and acting like the man that I fell in love with. A few months ago I wasn’t sure why I married him in the first place. I know that this will likely pass. He promises that he will remain constant, but only time will tell. In a perfect world, he will maintain this attitude for the rest of our lives. Alas, this is not a perfect world. I remain optimistic however that my life will be a happy one with or without him. It has to be.

Have a great weekend everyone.

Love, So Confused.

I have just discovered this website this morning. It is a relief to know, after years of living with my depressed husband, that there really are other people out there going through exactly the same thing as me. This is some consolation.
I hate the mental health system. It does not acknowledge spouses. We have nothing to do with the depressed person, apparently, even though we are left to pick up the pieces.
Have to go. Husband back home.
Will write again soon.
Thanks for being out there.

My husband has disappeared again so I’ve got a few minutes.

Today has been very difficult, being Valentine’s Day because my husband’s mood has been very dark grey since Tuesday. Not quite black but a very, very dark grey.
Do any of you get this? Where your other half exudes a blackness, like an octopus exuding ink. It’s a very powerful force and so distructive. So toxic.
Made him a Valentine’s Day card with some Lottery scratch cards in as a pressie. Put it where he has all his papers. He completley ignored it. It’s like a knife in the heart.
Walked to the shops with the children. Poor them. They usually get it in the neck from me when Hubby is ill. I just can’t deal with the anger his precense arouses when he is down. I usually lose my rag with the children at some point during a bad patch and THEY JUST DON’T DESERVE IT.
Local flower shop open longer hours today. Not for me though! I won’t get anything. Actually, I don’t expect it so I’m not disappointed. But it still hurts.
It’s very difficult to seperate the person from the illness and sometimes I wish he’d go out and never come back. And I hate myself for these feelings and wish I could find some formula to deal with them. Anyone got any good ways of dealing with these black feelings?
Why is there no support for carers? Why do we have to be silent? Our only relief a website?
I know this phase will pass and things will be good for a while and then I won’t even want to think about the next time the depression might raise it’s angry head. But it’ll be back again, sure as eggs is eggs. I makes me feel so low.

Today is my first time to post after a year of reading. To everyone that is not yet married to the depressed person, get ready for a life of living with the depression. It will never go away. If I had to do it over I would not have married my husband. We are blessed with a beautiful daughter. She is now 8, and she has seen her father on his roller coaster her whole life. Just this week I started seeing a family counselor. My daughter will start seeing her next week. My husband does not want to get back on his meds.(he say’s it makes him numb) and will not go see anyone. So I will learn to live with a depressed person. (I have been married for 13yrs) He has been saying he wants a divorce, but of course I hear this a couple times of year.
I have the last 2 years been doing my own things if he is “down in the valley”. I can not sit around waiting for him to come back up. Life is too short. I go out with my daughter and do whatever we would be doing if Daddy was feeling better. All of our family and friends know that he is ill every now and then. I was tired of making up lies to everyone. It is easier on me. That way I can talk to more people when his depression starts to wear on me. I also contacted his family (they live up east, I live down south) to inform them he is not taking his meds. I don’t think it is fair that my family has to always be involved, but yet his family thinks he is an angel. (depression runs in his family)
I could go on and on about how the last 15 years have been this roller coaster of highs and lows. I guess I would want to tell everyone that is not yet committed to the depressed person by marriage…. Think twice. If I knew then what I know now I would not have married my husband.
When he is “happy” he is the best husband anyone could ever ask for … fun,works very hard long hours (works nights … bad for depression) and very giving. This is why I’m willing to go get help on dealing with him. My daughter does know that we may have to move out some day if Mommy can not take living with Daddy anymore. Mommy deserves to be happy.
Any way … thanks for reading my post. I wish everyone a WONDERFUL V.day.
(by the way … I bought myself a ring for V. day and thanked my husband when he woke up for it)

I am so glad I found this site. I thought I was the only one going through the problems living with a depressed person. My husband has been depressed since we have been together about 14 years. I thought in the beginning that I could really help him. He used to be fun loving and helped me in anyway he could. We used to travel alot and have lots of friends. But in the last couple of years I haven’t gotten where I can barely stand him. I still love him though. If that makes any sense. He is angry all the time and it is always my fault. He will not get out of his recliner to do anything for himself. He will not even fix him something to drink. He is a total slob when he used to be the opposite. He just got outta the mental hospital four days ago. I thought that it would help him but when he got home it was just the same. I can’t say anything to him without him thinking I am starting a fight. He just told me that he wanted me to move out cause he can’t live with me anymore. I don’t know how many times I have heard that one.I just got laid off from my job about a month ago and he knows I can’t move yet but he throws it in my face everyday. A few hours later he will then tell me he loves me and we can work it out. I don’t know what to do. I just want my old husband back.

Hi guys. Thanks for your support.
I did talk to M. about it last weekend.
I told him I found a discussion board about having a relationship with a depressed person, and that I was shocked at how many times I read my own story.
I explained to him that I feel terrible, lonely, and depressed myself, being out of work, in debt, and involved with someone who becomes horribly selfish in his depressed episodes.
I said that my purpose in our relationship was not to stand behind him and push him back up when he’s down all the time, but that I could only stand beside him and offer a shoulder for support. I said that I need some TLC too, and that I feel like we’re losing our connection sometimes.
I explained that intimacy is not just about the WOO HOO! factor for me, and I don’t think he realized that before.
I would call it a successful conversation.
And I had him pegged (mostly) wrong on V-Day- I was expecting a hug and “Happy Valentine’s Day I love you,” and for him to ask me to bring him to the lake to fish. Instead I got, “keep an ear out for the door,” and roses! He still bailed on dinner with my folks, but it was a disaster at the restaurant and I’m glad he didn’t go.
I’ve been excruciatingly weepy myself the last few weeks. The job market is terrible, and I’m terrified that we’ll lose everything. Last night, I laid in bed in the dark in our room for two hours watching Dead Like Me. He thought I was mad at him, until I texted him from across the house to explain why I was hiding.
We texted back and forth a few times about what to have for dinner because I had no appetite (I’m a big girl and food has become an integral part of my life- I’m currently on Weight Watchers and doing great but I still have my moments), and then he came in and laid beside me and told me, “don’t hide in the dark, try to cheer up a little. You know all that stuff that you tell me when I feel like this? Now I’m telling you.” I appreciated his effort, I know it was genuine.
M. hates real-world discussions- budgets, relocating, sacrifices, obligations- so last night I gave him the bag and let him hold it for a while: “Wednesday night we need to talk about a budget and how to get you to and from work if I get a job where I can’t do that, so think about what you have to say and how you feel about it for a couple of days, and we’ll have a better idea of how to battle this together.” I told him how scared I am, and how frustrated I am with looking for work, and that I was applying anywhere and everywhere that I felt qualified for- across the state, the region, and the country.
I hope that giving him time to think about this- what he wants to say, how it will affect him- before I rattle off a bunch of important things that he probably wouldn’t hear- will make this a more successful conversation, too.
I better prepare for my side of this conversation. Thanks for listening.

My wife suffers from depression. She has a very negative attitude towards counsellers. This disease has affected our relationship. She seems to blame me for everything that goes wrong. I no longer look foward to being at home. We have a young daughter and I am afraid to leave her alone with my wife. Her mood swings scare me. She has no interest in me as a husband, our sex life is non existent. What works for me is fasting and praying for strength to cope with this situation every day. It is hard to see someone who was so active, loved life, loved to entertain persons but now does not want to socalise with any one. We own a business together but I am left to run the home, the business and everything else. It is sometimes overburdening. For me I wake up at three in the morning, pray and let my emotions out through crying and that helps. It is OK men to cry sometimes( do it in private) It will help to release some of the stress. Keep youself focused, I do fun things with my daughter it helps me forget for a brief moment. Be Encouraged.

Bernie, you’re right – surround yourself with positive influences. I hope that some day the light comes back to your wife. In the meantime, we are here…

I can’t believe how many times I am reading my own story on this board. My husband has been dealing with depression with it’s ups and downs for about 11 years now. This go round is really taking it’s toll on me. I can usually stay pretty strong and positive. But this episode came on with literally no warning. I mean on Thursday he seemed totally fine and then by Friday when I got home from work this dark cloud was hovering above. He hasn’t said more than 2 word sentences to me for days. He won’t hardly look at me and when he does it’s this horrible angry glare. It is so hard to take. I just really want my husband back. It’s making me feel very lonely and depressed myself. I really worry about my children. Our son who’s now 14 really knows what’s going on, while our daughter who is 7 is still pretty oblivious to it all. I know how much it upsets my son. I try to talk openly about it to him and I know it really upsets him when Dad is like this. I try not to cry on his shoulder, but sometimes I do. I am trying to remain the adult and protect him from the pain, but who is going to protect me? Who is taking care of me?? I need someone too. I just really feel like I am totally falling apart this time. I think it’s just because there was no warning, usually when an episode is coming I can see him starting to drift down, but this time, it was like someone flipped a switch and my loving husband was gone. So now, here I sit, trying to pull myself together to face another day. Put on a smile and hope for a better tomorrow. That’s what we have to do right? Thanks to one and all for sharing your stories and thoughts. It is nice to know that we are not all alone in our pain as well.

My wife of just over a year has been clinically diagnosed with PSTD. She currently receives SRS disability payments for her mental condition. She was involved in a head-on automobile crash five years ago and received back and brain injuries. She has tried all kinds of doctors and prescription drugs. For the past two years that I’ve known her, she has consistently blamed me for her problems and kicks me out of the house regularly. Do psychiatrists and counselors go along with her continually blaming me for her depression, or is that just what she tells me? I am not allowed to speak with any of her doctors, at her insistance. So, in the meantime, I’m the bad guy for “creating roadblocks” in her attempt to get better. While I have lost my patience and temper with her outbursts and verbal abuse, I believe I’ve gone above and beyond what most people would have done for her. I love her and only wish the best for her, but I can’t continue with this path of destruction.

Wow. I am amazed at all of the similar situations as mine. My wife and I have been married for a little over 20 years. We married very young. I was 20 and she was 19. My wife seemed to get sad pretty often when we were newlyweds and I always thought it was because we were 700 miles from our families. It took a long time to finally figure out she was suffering from depression. Her mother does and her sister and aunt. My wife hates the word “depression” and has been diagnosed by three different professionals that she suffers from depression. She is such a wonderful person and I truly love her. I spent many years trying to make her happy and finally realized I couldn’t. We moved a few times with my job and my wife blames me now for making her leave sunny Florida with our last move. She had a traumatic experience in the hospital while there and almost died. Most people make changes and are thrilled to have another chance but she was the opposite. She resented the fact that she almost died and figured what is the use in trying if you’re just going to die anyway. Very negative. Everybody she deals with other than me think she is absolutely perfect. She really is apart from her demons. We are basically just friends. We have no intimacy and haven’t; for a long time. I am 40 and she is 39. I am committed to her and can’t bear the thoughts of abandoning her but I feel like my life is wasting away. We have no children which is really sad but at the same time a huge blessing. My wife feels like she has nobody. Even as hard as I try I get frustrated sometimes and make things worse. It is a vicious cycle. Week in and week out. She is so cheerful for a few days and then the bottom falls out. She is obsessed with her weight and thinks that is why she is depressed. I could go on and on. It has helped to share. God bless you all.

Chris

Chris, I understand about your wife and everybody thinks she’s perfect. Same way with my husband. But when are alone it’s a differnt story. He is always angry. Then he tells me that I am the one starting all the arguments. Some days I just want to walk out and never look back but I know my loving husband is still in there somewheres. So I keep hanging on.

8 yrs of marriage, 2 kids…………I am so hurt and jaded by the harshness and lack of love and compassion. Living w/ him is robbing me of my vivaciousness and laughter. I did not sign up to be in a sexless and angry relationship.

He tells me I dont help his depression by asking too many questions and not giving him space? oh really?

Thank god I have education and some savings. My probable transition with the kids wont be as difficult.

I am an abused wife. I deserve love.

May the rest of you who decide to “stick it out, dont forget to love yourslves.

Chris,

Sorry to hear what you are going through. Unfortunately, I too am in the same boat as you. My wife is just like yours. She acts sweet and caring around everyone, but behind closed doors, in front of me and my two kids, she’s a devil. Not even her BEST friends knows her true colors. Her “cup half empty” outlook on everything has really taken a toll on our 12 year marriage. We have two beautiful children that mean the world to us so we say together for them. Love for children is unconditional but love for your spouse is conditional. You don’t have any kids. Take advantage of that and consider leaving her. You have an opportunity to live the rest of yor life happy as you deserve.

Yaounin, I feel your pain.

I am considering leaving my girlfriend of 4 years. To be honest she has been in and out of depression the whole time. I have tried it all- we have been to counseling as well but she refused to continue. She is living with untreated depression- stopped meds on her own without any supervision and will not seek professional help. We live together with her son- whom I love dearly and I know the toxic atmosphere is also affecting him. I spend most of the time on eggshells and the situation has become intolerable since her mother passed away recently. Although I have been a major support- financially and emotionally, her abuse has increased to the point where she hit me last week and constantly critisizes me for not being there for her.I am exhausted and have had enough and have suggested a trial separation for me to gather my strength and get some perspective. I feel completely deflated but the thought of leaving her is less scary than living in the white hot atmosphere at home.

I feel like I wrote your last entry, especially the eggshell part. Moving out to gather your thoughts sounds like an excellent idea. Being away will give you the time to see the whole picture clearer and get a better perspective of where you are and where you’d like to be. It may be tough at first, feeling guilty, etc. but time heals all wounds. I used to feel like “lead with your head, not with your heart” but now I stay in it for the kids. Sad but true. You have agreat opportunity to get out of this hurtful relationship before it’s too late. Since you’re not married it’ll be a lot easier: no 50-50 split, no alimony, no attorney’s fees, etc. Life is too short to be mistreated.

My feelings as well. Leave now. What about the little boy, will he be with her? Can she care for him?

Welcome to all the new people on here! I just wanted to make 1 comment. I think the worst part of this whole thing, is the “hope stage”. The stage where things appear to have turned around and you believe that it is really getting better and that the disease is gone. You see the person that you love and long for, and miss them so much. You are so grateful to have them back.

Then, poof—– it is over. Back to the depths of dispair and hell. It is crippling for me. I refuse to have hope anymore. It is far better to accept the loss than to continue to stay on this roller coaster.

Susie

Thanks for the comment Craig. I am seeing it the same. However, there are some practical considerations- we own a house together- she has struggled to meet her payments most of the time and at the moment we would lose big time if we sold the place…she is without steady employment so it is complicated. I feel a responsibility towards her boy and at this stage she would not be able to care for him financially. I have considered renting a place for myself but that would mean I would be paying rent as well as covering mortgage repayments which is not an option. It’s complicated. We spoke today but she is not willing to discuss any issues at all so it is somewhat of a stalemate at present. I’m taking it a day at a time for now. Thanks for the support

I must agree with Susie. False hope is a killer. For those of us who have have been to marriage counceling know what that’s about. Initially the therapist listens to both sides thens asks if it is their wish to try and work things out. After getting to know the couple better, the therapist may know that this relationship cannot be fixed and that it will never work but he/she cannot say that. They have to suggest ways for both parties to change so that they can live in harmony. At first things may get a little better. Before long one spouse feels like things are better and no further therapy is needed and decides not to go. Soon after things go back to the way they were. Why? Because we are indviduals and we cannot change who we are for someone else. Sometimes we might really like to change, however, it just doesn’t happen. To many times couples end up together for the wrongs reasons: lust or the result of lust (pregnancy). Not by true compatibilty.

Chris, sorry your financial situation with her is so complicated. Would have been nice if our housing economy was better so you could sell your house for more than what you paid. Here’s something to consider (I did this myself long ago), if selling the house would mean you’d both lose out and since she cannot afford to buy you out, you may consider “assuming the mortgage” and have her move out. What that means is that you would pay the whole mortgage payment and her name would be removed from the deed, making the house solely yours.
There are probably social programs to help single mothers financially and with housing. As for her son, it’s very nice that you love him and am concerned, however, it is not your responsibilty to bail her out of her past decisions. You’re in a tough situation. I wish the best for you.

Hello all,
Well he did it. We got into an argument today and he left. He is at his brother’s home and I am conflicted. I have been unhappy for so long and holding on tight to this sham of a marriage. I strongly believe in my vows and the pledge I made to God, but two people need to make a marriage. I am sad but there is a bigger part of me that is relieved. I can breathe, I can be calm, and I don’t have to watch every word, step, or breath I take.
I am worried about the finances though. I work two jobs and he is laid off. He gets unemployment which helps a little but my money pays most of the bills. He took what little savings out of the bank that we were going to take a vacation to see my grandmother who is living in a nursing home. He says, “He needs the money.” He called me today about filing his unemployment but isn’t going to contribute to the expenses which means there will be some bounced checks sometime this week. Should I cancel the joint bank accounts we have and change them to just in my name?
I am also scared about our kids. Can he just come and take them away and not let me have them back? He would do this just to hurt me and to avoid paying child support. He doesn’t love them the way I do.
I know I should see a lawyer and I will call one on Monday but I don’t know if I have the money. I know that I make to much to qualify for anything.
It bothers me that I am thinking of these things but not considering him coming back home. Am I that over him? It has been 15 years and the majority have been unhappy.
Please pray for me in this situation and that I make the right decision for myself, our kids, and God.

Mary,

I’m sorry and happy for you at the same time. This is not going to be easy, but you can do it. My opinion, YES you should close out or remove your husband’s name from your joint account. He has already taken the money that you had saved for the vacation and will likely take whatever other money you accumulate. I dont know what state you are in, but he can take the children at any time and you dont have much say about it without some kind of court order. If you truly believe that this is the beginning of the end, I would strongly suggest that you seek legal help.

As for your being over him, I think that we just simply grow tired.

Good luck with everything. I’ll keep you in my prayers.

Whatever you do, do not let him talk his way back into the house. Marriage vows are made very sincerely at that time, however, things change and GOD will forgive you. He would rather see you happy than stay true to a vow you made many years ago.
Financially it may be hard at first but you’ll get through it being that you already pay most of the bills. As for the bank accounts, I’m not sure if the bank will let you close the account because it is jointly owned. You can still withdraw the money (be fair and take what you feel is your share) and probably remove your name from the account. Open your own account at another bank. If you think he’ll do the same, better beat him to it first thing tomorrow. As for the kids, it might be considered kidnapping if he takes them against their will and against yours. I don’t know. Try looking up Women’s shelters or other help services in your area. They might be able to offer you good free advice.

Well,
The common themes? Love,hope,sad,alone. I don’t know if this makes me feel better or worse knowing what we have all been through. Yes, I have experienced depression and P.T.S.D. (due to a childhood with a schitzophrenic father). I never thought of my past experiences as being an excuse for giving up though. It just made me fight a lot harder. The brain, as I have discovered for myself, is a complex and beautiful thing. Don’t ever under estimate it. If it doesn’t feel right…then take note. It is also very resilent and fragile.
I had good friends and family who believed that I was a good person, even when I felt that it would be better if I wasn’t here.
Not quite sure what I am saying other than that the person who I met one and a half years ago opened my heart quite unexpectedly. I feel better than I have for many years,just knowing that there was one person who loved me for being me. And I am a long way from perfect. I am 46 years old and love it that I am getting older. So many more choices and experiences. LBH. If you are reading this now, you struck a cord with me. Why do smart, intelligent, experienced people (as we all are) keep trying with these people who are so gorgeous, and yet self destructive? What is it about a person in such distress that we feel we can save, on our own? Thank you to every one who has said something on this site. Please keep talking, all of you.
It’s a hard call. We would need other people if we were feeling like that, or being able to be there for others if they were feeling like that. It’s a big question as a recession hits and redundancies flow and there was a prediction for a pandemic on depression by the year 2020. As a ‘caregiver’ my question is how would I want to be treated if it was me? And I think that is my down fall. God knows how…but the thought of doing nothing all day terrified me. If I did something, anything, I was fighting against “The Black Dog”. And have to say, I have a black dog who is the best. A pound dog who is well versed in dependency and seperation anxiety. She is a very good teacher in many aspects. Smarter than most humans.
So, back to my human. Why is it that animals are so much smarter?? She has had her experiences…he has his…and she will cuddle up to him all day when he can not get out of bed. She has experienced bad people but will stay with this man, because he is good and safe.. She is no fool. So…what does she feel that I can’t right now? She (and me) has a trust that this person is at heart a good person. Always living in hope that the person we met will be the person we seen again. And if not, that we just love them any way.
We should have a minute at some time, where ever we are, just to stop and think of each other.
Toni

Just an update on my situation. I have decided to give hubby another chance after being separated for over three months. We will still be living in separate places while we seek counseling. There is a long road ahead, I am sure of it, but I will try this again. My biggest fear is that things will return to how they were before we separated with the constant gray cloud hovering over our home, walking on eggshells and the nothing is ever good enough mentality.

All I can do is try.

Thank you all for being here.

So Confused

So confused,

Your fears are genuine and they will come true. History WILL repeat itself. I really hope the next time around you won’t be “So confused” and that it will seem clearer so you do not subject yourself to this mental torture. There are other men who could be more compatible with you.

Mentally Exhausted,

I understand what you are saying totally, and I am afraid. What do you suggest I do though? He has good qualities. Only one bad one, depression. I am still confused. I still dont know if the decision I’m making is the right one or not. I know that this is a roller coaster and we are up now but are sure to drop. I love my husband and am committed to my family, but I must say that I have enjoyed the freedom of living on my own. Not because I want to go out and mess around with other men but because I dont have to walk on eggshells in my own home. I’m sure there are other men out there, but are they really for me? My husband loves me unconditionally, should I do the same for him?

Still So Confused

Everyone, who is not experiencing this, has the best advice for all of us. Leave him/her. Do others find themselves pulling away from the people who say that? Even though we know it is the sensible choice?
How to seperate the person from the disease. If they suffered from cancer the response would be quite different. And depression is a disease. It makes me feel both better and worse to know that there are other people struggling with how to keep loving the person, whilst still trying to fight a battle against a quite cruel disease.
So, are we also allowed to laugh? Please say yes. Some one give me a bit of black humour and tell me a joke…one that we can all chuckle to. Laughter is the best defence against depression I think, and my lovely one and I have at times been able to laugh, alot, about what we are going through. Sounds strange I know, but what a lovely release for both of us. Tears are a necessary release but laughter is healing.
So tell me a joke….

So Confused, I really understand where you are right now. I have left and gone back about 30 times now. Can I give you one piece of advice? Dont stop doing the things that you found yourself enjoying when you were apart from your spouse. Continue to live your life and dont make him the centre of it, with your world revoving around his. If you do, in the end (if it happens again), you will be so lost, and devestated again. If this man really loves you, he will help himself and will not make you feel guilty about having a life outside of him.

I recently read a book that I wanted to share on this site. It has helped me so much to figure out why I am attracted to the “wounded bird”. It is called How To Break Your Addiction To A Person by Howard M. Halpern. When I read it i was shocked by the similarities to myself. In one of the chapters he makes reference to these relationships being like being in a prison. The prison door is open and we can leave anytime. However, we choose to stay and maybe hang a pretty curtain to decorate it. In the end, we die in the corner of the prison, never taking the opportunitty to step outside and take a look at life outside of it. If we do step outside, we quickly retreat back to the pain and anguish and familiarity of our prison cell. Many of you wouldnt consider your relationship to be a prison cell, but mine was. I am outside of it now and trying not to retreat back to it.

Mary, there is a lot of information on the computer regarding child custody laws ect. Good luck to you, and remember- you deserve to be happy, and you are not the one who walked away from your marriage (although I am sure you would have been justified in doing so).

Susie

So Confused,

Depression and anxiety will bring out the worst in people which as you well know leads to so many other problems, so it’s not “just depression” that is his only problem. I also stay with my wife because I don’t want to lose the kids. If I were to get full custody, no problem, we’d be gone. My wife’s anxiety leads to chronic bitching at me and the kids. Te constant yelling and criticism is overbearing. I know what I should do, but don’t have the heart to do it. So many of us live in a codependent relationship (HELL). My wish is that she would leave us although I know she would never leave the kids either. If she did, I would never take her back. Love for your children is unconditional. In my book, love for my spouse is conditional….she is not blood. Good luck on trying again. It’s OK. When things go bad again at least you won’t be surprised.

Well, I told hubby that I would work things out last Sunday. Friday, five days later, basically told me that I just want to run his life and tell him where he should work and what he should do. All I basically told him was that he needs to try to find a job making somewhere near what he makes now because we cant really afford to take a cut in our salaries. I knew this was going to happen. It was just a matter of time. Anyway, just a half hour later (after he walked out of the restaurant we were in and refused to get in the car with me) he told me that I am the best and that he wants to be with me for the rest of his life.

Ugh

We’ve been together twelve years, high school sweethearts, have two beautiful girls. Depression has been a subject touched on here and there throughout our relationship, and in the past year has been so hard. Somedays are ok, others feel so painfully lonely. She is on medications for depression and anxiety, actually has been switched around several times. Things feel so distant and cold, rarely any compassion of the feeling of being loved. Trying my best to learn about depression, to understand, but sometimes it seems so hard. I feel like our relationship is ending, I love her so much, I remember how we used to be when things were better. I have not been the best person in my life or to her in our past, but I haven’t been the worse. I have been seeing a counsuler for about a month and half now trying to help make sense of all this and to keep me from stepping in front of a bus. I worry about her all the time, I cry for her, I wish I could take all her pain and depression away. So hard not falling down the codependancy path. I worry our girls will be effected by depression, and/or if things don’t work out with us, they will have to go through custody BS. I won’t leave her, I love her, I love my family too much, she is not worth walking away from. I just don’t know how to keep from breaking down myself. How can I be strong for her and our family if I’m on the verge of metal collapse. I know I can’t expect to be able to fix her, to take all of her depression away, to let her see the happiness and beauty in the world, hard to accept that. It does help to read that others have been able to get through it I will try my hardest for her, she is my soul-mate. Just hope she can see that again.

Pete

Wow, I can feel the pain of every comment I am reading. I have been married to my husband for 21 years, and now looking back I can see ha has had some depression before last year was bad. We had to have him committed and after he was released and took his Zoloft he seemed better. He stopped taking them and was fine for a while. Well here we are again. He says things like maybe he just does not want to be married anymore, but still loves me and wants to be with me. I found out last week he went out on a date with some bar tramp, I flew off the handle on that one and told him he does that ever again we are done. I too feel totally ignored most of the time because he will talk to everyone else but me. When I get a hug or kiss I have to ask for it. He is in counseling and taking meds, now he says the Prozac is not doing anything after taking it for 2 1/2 weeks so I called the doctor and now he gave him Lexipro I don’t know what more I can do? I am going crazy! He did apologize for what he did both to me and our daughter and said he want to make our lives work, but I find myself second guessing everything he says. I know most of this behavior is his depression and I that is the only reason I have hope. I want my Husband back

Hi there, just wondering if Mike is still around. We havent heard from you for a while and I am just wondering how you are doing and if everything is ok. Susie

Hi Susie,

That’s so funny that I pop in and see your message! Thanks for thinking of me! I’m still plugging along and I do drop in now and then to read the posts. I have just come back from Daytona where I went with some friends for bike week. We had a great time & now I’m back here in southern Ontario riding in the cold…yuck!

I think of all of you on this site often and all the heartache that you are all enduring. It has been a few months since I parted with my fiance. She still texts me or calls me occasionally and asks for another chance or to meet for coffee. I still care very deeply for her and I suppose part of me will always love her but I refuse to live my life that way anymore. I am dating a new lady and so far things are great. We have the same circle of friends and she is very social like I am so that’s been really good as well. Having said all that I still think of the ex regularly and I still think of all that we had planned together. It has become less painful with time as I have been able to rationalize everything. All in all I am enjoying life a lot more! I no longer walk on the proverbial eggshells we all know so well. As those of you that have been here awhile know, I was a mess when I ended the relationship and it was hard, very hard but I am so happy I made that choice. I am actually living again and if nothing else she is now being forced to be accountable for herself, something she would not do in the past. She is taking courses and working, both things she needs for herself. For those of you still struggling with what to do, please remember what I always say! Staying in the relationship or not is the choice that only you can make. Whatever choice you make, don’t let anyone make you feel guilty! You have the right to be happy and life is short. Whichever choice you make, take care of yourself, do things for yourself that you enjoy! Like I’ve said so many times, you have to be a little bit selfish sometimes. Being in a relationship with a depressed loved one is draining at times, both emotionally and physically so take care of your health!

Sorry if I haven’t been posting lately but I do think of you all and I haven’t forgotten how you all supported me in my darkest days and I will be forever grateful!

Susie, thanks again so much for thinking of me and I hope you have a wonderful day!

To everyone on this board, I hope that you all find the peace and happiness that you deserve!

I’ll check back soon

Mike

It has been helpful reading all of your posts and hearing what other people are going through.
In my younger days I was married to a man who had an inherited gene of schizophrenia. He complicated his problem with drugs and alcohol. I gave him a choice- me or the drinking. He chose alcohol so I left never to turn back. I took our son with me and remarried a five years later. Things were fine
at first but as my son reached his teen years he began having serious problems and refused to have anything to do with us. He would shut himself in his room and could not be forced to cooperate. This was very difficult to deal with and the problem is still not resolved. I am hoping to get him help through community services because he needs it badly. There is much more to this story and my problems of late with my current husband has actually started a breakthrough in communication with my son. The problems with my current husband is that he has begun seeking counseling for depression. He has filed for divorce and says he needs his space.
At the same time he also says that we can always remarry later when he gets it together. He says he is very angry at everyone and is afraid he will hurt someone. He says he is also suicidal and has given his guns to his friends to lock up for safekeeping. He is an ex alcoholic and is afraid to take any drugs because he has to be strong because if he ever takes another drink he is a dead man. He says he doesn’t care about anything anymore and has barely touched me or shown any feeling for quite a long time.
I don’t know why I didn’t see this sooner and realize what was happening. When he filed for divorce I was hit with a terrible shock and hurt. I have been experiencing a lot of anger and feel like I’m being forced to do things I don’t want. I thought we’d be together for the rest of our lives. I am 57 and not ready to start all over again. It really hurts thinking the person that loved you for 19 years doesn’t care. He is seeking counseling for depression but has never wanted to go for marriage counseling. He had always had lots of friends and time for his activities but was never willing to put in the time it takes to make a marriage work.
I’m just venting and trying to work out my situation. I know I have to leave him alone and quit begging him to call off the divorce. I am only driving him further away with my crazy reactions. I am trying to accept this and move on but it is really hard. One moment I am thinking positive about this and the next moment I am in tears and shaking with anger for how unfair it seems. I am religious and breaking my vows is not what I want. I know if we break up he has made the choice and not me but it still seems very wrong.
I also hate being alone. I seem to have this need to have him here so when he’s content to just leave me without a second thought is seems really cruel of him to be so uncaring. He just does not see my needs and thinks only to take care of himself. He is a good man in many many ways so that is why I can’t understand all this. I also am a good person and I don’t understand how all this can be happening to me. I have gotten some books from the library to read to try to make some sense of this. Thanks for your support. I know I may need counseling but I have to see how my finance’s will hold out. I have a few odd jobs but I’m afraid I may only be able to barely get by. Hopefully my health will hold up for another ten years otherwise I’m in big trouble.

Thank you for all your comments. It is helpful to hear your stories. I am going through living with my husbands depression and am trying to make sense of what is happening.

I have lived with a depressed wife for almost five years now, and it is killing me. On some days, she is the best friend I have ever had, and on others I can’t stand to be home anymore. I do almost all of the housework, and she loves to sleep, alot, and watch TV. She has trouble dealing with making decisions or dealing with problems, and is almost always sad.
I ask her all the time what I can do to help her, and she always tells me there is nothing I can do, and that I will never be able to fix what is wrong.
She takes her frustrations out on me and her son, and it pushes us away.
I feel like she is “faking” it to try and hide things from me. The honesty and trust in our marriage is dying slowly, and I don’t know how to rebuild it. She has told me she doesn’t want to be alive anymore, even though she hasn’t attempted to hurt herself since we have been together.
I can’t talk about problems in our marriage or things I disagree with or that hurt me. She can always find a way to re-direct the problems back to me and make them my fault, or me the cause of the problem. Even if I didn’t do anything to cause them.
I love her so much, and I don’t want a divorce, but if she is right and I will really never be able to make her happy, then what am I doing trying to work this out?
The hardest part for me is I am a career police officer, and I have spent years fixing everyone else’s problems, but I can’t fix my wife’s.
Love is important, and so is marriage, but there are so many days I just want someone who will be happy to be with me, and happy about thier own life. This has begun to affect me over the last couple years, and I am no longer the person I used to be, which I hate. My friendships have dwindled, and some have disappeared. My relationships with my family members have been affected in a very negative way.
My wife will avoid social functions like the plague on most days, which in turn gives a negative impression or offends my friends and family.
Is this worth it? Or do I just move on an start over again.

Joseph,

I know exactly how you feel. I have been married to my depressed husband for almost six years. It is very difficult and can often make you depressed. No one can tell you what decision to make about your marriage. That is something you must do. Is your wife on meds? Does she have a therapist? Maybe if you tell her that you need her to make a serious effort to change she will. It’s tough. You must remember that you have to take care of yourself and try to reclaim those friendships that have “dwindled”. In my opinion, the best thing to do is surround yourself with positive people. Otherwise, the depression will consume you.

My husband developed what I call post natal depression when I was pregnant with our second child.That was over 9 years ago and although there has been progress he still has depression.He has put on about 30kilos in weight and until recently spent most of his time watching TV on the couch or in bed when not at work.I can’t count the times when I have come close to moving out as the mood swings lead to mounting anger which leads to shouting (at me mainly) swearing and I find that I am in fear of him hitting me.I constantly think that I should move out for my two sons aged 8 and 10 but he can also be an exceptionally good father at times. It took years for my husband to seek help and by then he had had an affair for 3 years and was always angry. Everything is always my fault!He seems to have had adverse reactions to every different antidepressent he has been prescribed however he seems to have found a good psychiatrist and an antidepressant that he can live with. He has also started going to the gym regularly and that makes a huge difference to his mood.I am writing this today as my husband drank about half a bottle of wine and a bottle of beer last night and had a bad nights sleep so did not do the excersize that he planned to do and shouted at me and the boys all morning over breakfast.We all couldn’t wait till he left foe work.My youngest son tells my husband he hates him all the time and who can blame him.I am convinced that my husband also has bipolar as he goes on spending sprees and becomes obsessive about things such as watches,pens,coffee machines and cars. I understand that this is not unusual with bipolar as it makes them feel better.I also can’t wait until my children have left home so I can leave this marriage as I cannot afford to leave it now. We are just treading water most of the time and I dread to think what long term effect it is having on my children. As the depression rears its ugly head irregularly I am in two minds as to whether the trauma of leaving my husband and taking the kids is worse than putting up with the effects of his depression. I have spoken to counsellors who really are of little help!
It is very sad to have to live your life like this and I just hope something can be done like a cure as it clearly affects so many lives.Sharon

Mike,

You are absolutely correct in what you have written. I left my ex-fiance long ago. Felt bad about it but it was definately the right thing to do.

Dear friends–I feel like I can call you that already–I’m so thankful for your posts. It took a long time to find a site that was for people living with a depressed person, and I have to say I was becoming a bit discouraged thinking that I was alone in my frustration. My boyfriend has been diagnosed with depression and I have known that since we started dating. He was on medication and doing well when we met, so I had never seen him in his depressed state. We have been together for 2 years and are not currently living together, but we have discussed moving in together and getting married. I put off both because I did not feel we were ready. He stopped taking his medication over 6 months ago because he was “feeling good again”. With the economy, stress at work and a recent injury that causes him discomfort, he has now become constantly unhappy and blaming me for everything. He is most always in a bad mood and withdrawn. We started going to counseling at my request, to a neutral person, but after about five sessions he accused the counselor of always taking my side and chalking up all of the problems to his poor communication skills. I’m going to skip all of the anecdotes because they only echo so many of your comments, but last week he finally unhurled a slew of accusations on me and then went out of town for a week saying that we needed to be away from each other. I was devastated and questioning my own sanity, sorting through the accusations to see if I really was responsible for all of these horrible things. After a few days of hurt feelings and crying, I realized how relieved I felt that he was gone. No more tiptoeing around to avoid setting him off. No more mean comments. No more feeling like I am pulling teeth to get him to open up and connect with me about what’s wrong. He is aware that he has depression but refuses to go back on medication saying they have too many side effects. He says that he feels better now, compared to a few years ago when he was considering suicide, but I’m convinced that just because he’s on a downward spiral towards self-destruction again–just because he’s not currently contemplating killing himself doesn’t mean he’s not experiencing depression at some level. Intellectually, I know that all his woes are not due to our relationship or me, and seeing your comments here have given me strength. I recognize that I already have a tendency to be a “helper” (or a “martyr”, he says) and to want to support my friends and help them through their problems. So this plays into my personality traits as well because I want to take on everything and work it out by being loving and supporting. I am seeing that it is not enough and that I can’t possibly do it alone. The thought of bringing children into this relationship is scary–but I have always wanted children. I feel I will have to give up so many of my life goals and just plain positive attitude, sanity and self confidence if I stay in this relationship and get married. Is there a way to stay close to him and support him getting treatment for depression AS A FRIEND without totally abandoning him, as so many have done because he pushes everyone away? I’m not ready to sign on to be his wife as things currently stand, but I do want to be supportive IF he decides to get help. Can anyone provide advice on what I can do as a not-yet-married-but-considering-it woman who loves a downspiraling, depressed man? I’m not sure I could live with myself if I leave him and something happens.

Winnie,

If you are not living with your boyfriend at this point, please dont. Things rarely get better. The problem with these people is that any little thing can set them off and into their depressive episodes. These episodes can last a really long time and never go away for good. During these times we become the target of their “wrath” because in their minds it must be somethig we are doing to cause it. It always amazed me how my partner could twist things around and make me the cause of it. It became really abusive and I ended up as sick as he was.
You dont want to keep living your life walking on eggshells, and looking back in 10 or 20 years wishing you had taken an earlier opportunitty to walk away, (because now there are kids, mortgages ect keeping you there).
There are soooo many people on here that are doing just that, it seems. Life is to short to live in somebody elses prison. Dont let guilt and worry rule your life. Try and think about yourself and if this is really the life you want to live. Good luck, I know how hard it is. Susie

Susie,

Thanks for your message, I think I needed to hear that from someone who knows how difficult it is to walk away. My friends, of course, are supportive of me and very protective, but I’m not sure they know the depth of the emotional manipulation. What is it that helped you leave once and for all? And, I’m wondering if you or anyone else has advice about whether/how to be supportive of the depressed person at a distance if they decide to get help for themselves. Is it possible to be there for them, not as a partner, but to let them know they are doing the right thing? Or best to cut all ties?

Thanks to all of you that are willing to share your struggles on this board, you have no idea how helpful this is to me.

Winnie

Hi All.

I want to thank all of you for you contributions on this site. Like many of you I thought I was all alone. I have read each reply here and it has been a real eye opener. I have been married for 8 years. My wife has been depressed for about 11 years, we have known each other for about 17 years. What I have read in these replies has really done a lot to open my eyes. For years I really did believe I was the bad one in the relationship. Explains why I worked so hard to make it work and changed so much to please my wife. The replies here have finally made me see the big picture, it feels like a weight of the World has been lift from my back. I am still in two minds about staying with my wife she recently had an affair. I think I will most likely be leaving and I will try make a good life for myself, I am tired of the way she is towards me. Once again thank you all for support and contributions, there are a lot of people that read these replies and never reply themselves.

Winnie,

I hate the place where you are right now. I left it and returned to it sooo many times! To be honest, I tried to do what you are trying to do, by staying supportive at a distance. Personally, it never worked. For me, any contact would draw me back in. He reminded me of a wounded little bird or a lost child, and I would always end up right back in it.(read some of my logs over the last 2 years. It was absolute hell) If you really want to make a break, you may have to make a total break. Anything more, may just give him false hope that you can work it out.

I know how worried you are about him, I was totally obsessed about him for years. It was funny though, we both spent most of our days thinking about HIM. I worried constantly that he wouldnt make it without me. It had to get to a point where I realized that if i stayed with him, I wouldnt make it. Dont sacrifce your life. If you want to give him another chance, tell him you need to take a break and let him deal with his issues. A few months later, see what he has done. If it is nothing, you have your answer. If he really wants to change and get better, he will pull out all the stops. Its weird how some people are comfortable in these depressive states and dont want to leave them. It is part of their lives and who they are.

One thing I would like you to think about though…… How long do you want to prolong the inevitable? How many chances do you give? Set some limits and try to stick to them. Good luck, this is probably one of the hardest things you will do in your life.
Susie

I agree Susie. This is one of the hardest things you will do in your life. I was with a man who physically abused me and THAT was easier than dealing with my depressed husband.

You are all in my prayers.

Winnie,

Please listen to Susie and So Confused! They know what they are talking about. You asked what was it that helped them leave once and for all? In my case it was a violent physical assault. I will not raise my hand to a woman and kept trying to walk away. I’m 6′1″ and 200 lbs., she was 5′3″ and 108 lbs. I was left clawed and bleeding before the police responded and she was charged and removed. Even after that it was another 2 weeks before I could bring myself to face the fact that it was never going to change. Please don’t let it get to that point for yourself! Susie and So Confused are so right when they say it may be the hardest thing you’ve done in your life. I felt as though I was abandoning her at her lowest point until a friend who had been through something similar pointed out that it wasn’t her lowest point, it was just her life and would continue to be that way regardless of what I did. Look after yourself and your health first and foremost. Turn to your friends and family for support and don’t be afraid to confide…it is very important that you don’t keep things bottled up. Come back to this site and vent regularly, it was this site and all the wonderful people here that helped me get through. Although I’ve never met anyone here face to face I consider a lot of these people friends. We have shared pain and emotion that I think might be hard to share with anyone else. Remember the old saying about time healing all wounds, it really does. It has been almost six months since I ended my relationship and although I still have moments where I miss her or something about our relationship, I only have to think back to how I had to live. Afraid to say anything for fear of sending her off the edge, having to think each word through to make sure it couldn’t be misconstrued. Always careful to avoid looking in the direction of another woman so she couldn’t accuse me of wanting to be with someone else. Did she have good points? Absolutely, many wonderful points but would I ever want to go back and live like that again? Not in a hundred years!

Good Luck Winnie and be strong! I’ll be thinking of you and Susie and So Confused and everyone else here on this site!

Thanks to all of you and I`ll talk to you soon!

Mike

Dear Susie, Mike and So Confused,

Thanks so much for your insight and support. I really need it today because my boyfriend is back in town now and we will have to have the conversation about what happens next. I think he feels bad about lashing out at me and will want to try again, but this time away from each other has been a godsend in some ways. I’ve had the chance to step back and assess what is really going on, and to read your posts and discover that this is a destructive path. Part of what is so hard for me is the judgment of others. I’m very sensitive to that, even tho I shouldn’t be, and I am a bit scared that his family and close friends will think I am abandoning him in his time of need. I will become the “unforgiving bitch” who didn’t give him a second chance. For his family, who may be in denial about his condition, it is simply easier to blame me or say I walked away (when the truth is, he pushed me away so many times! and then dumped me!) My hope is that people will see this for what it is–an opportunity for him to take responsibility and get help. I can’t do it for him and I cannot stay around, as Susie said, and lose my sanity and self-confidence in the process. I’m going into this conversation prepared with my limits and I’ll let you know how it goes. Thanks again.

Winnie

Winnie,

I know what you mean about worrying if people will feel you abandoned him. His family just may feel that way about you, but that should not be your concern. Even if they weren’t in denial about his condition, they have no idea what it is like to be romantically involved with him. My husband’s family is