Living with a Depressed Spouse
Sunday April 17, 2005
Lovemy2labs writes: "My husband is clinically depressed and was diagnosed almost a year ago. He has tried so many different meds and none seem to help him. He also has seen several different doctors still no relief of this disease. I hate that I can't talk to anyone about his illness because of the stigma everyone seems to have with this disease and I hate that no-one believes this is real! My husband is the greatest man alive! Prior to this illness he would NEVER be sad to the point of tears & this depth of sadness has controlled & darkened his life and I don't know how to help!"
Comments
What are his symptoms? Is he irritated with you? Does he threaten to leave?
I suffered a severe clinical depression also about 13 years ago and when I returned to work I felt the full force of that stigma. The number of classes I taught was cut down, the projects I had worked on and the program I had coordinated were taken away from me. It didn’t matter what I had done before (for 13 years) or that I had recovered and was the same person I had always been. People also avoided me as if the whole thing were contagious. I was open about it; I believed and still believe that the people who are our friends will love us and realize that some of who we are TO THEM includes this possibility. There was a wonderful book that helped me, Touched With Fire by Kay Redfield Jamison. She has written well on this subject in other books, also.
Good luck.
I understand how you feel…completely! I came onto this site to look for help. How do we help our once loving husbands when everything around them seems so sad? Do we protect them from everyday stresses and bear them alone or do we share the problems? What do we say to the kids when they ask what is wrong with dad? Do we go ahead to plan family gatherings at the holidays even tho we know he may stay in bed the whole time? Im at a loss…
My wife was recently diagnosed with mild depression, which we’ve been dealing with several years. I am an upbeat person, and her condition is not severe, but I feel it’s taken its toll on me and I don’t want it to adversely affect our young child’d emotional health. I understand a key detail for me is taking care of myself.
My wife has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. She has been like this off and on since we have been married, but things have gotten worse. I have tried to be supportive, upbeat, etc. for many years, but it is taking its toll. It is hard for us to have a “fun” conversation anymore, because she seems to always bring it back to something bad in her life. I respond by trying to offer something cheerful or hopeful, but the game just keeps on. Today, she is at work and I am actually glad that she is gone. I know I should want to be around her, but in all honesty, I need a break from her negative thinking.
My husband has now had aproximately 15 different medication “cocktails”. None of them help for any length of time. He has recently been diagnosed with TRD - Treatment Resisent Depression. Has anyone heard of any luck with the new magnetic treatments? I am also looking for a support group. There is nothing locally for spouces of depressives - only bipolar.
I AM the depressed spouse. My husband just left me because of it. I’m as helpless as he is. Even with therapy and medication it has taken its toll on him. It’s like a venom. If you can’t stand it, go to a counselor and leave the marriage in a healthy way. Don’t blame anyone. Noone is doing it on purpose. It just IS.
I’m interested if Renee thought there was anything more the two of them could have done. I am living with a depressed wife (it’s been off and on during our 20+year marriage). I no longer know what to do. At best she is angry with me quite a bit, saying that many of the things I do make her unhappy. I try to change (and have changed many things), but it makes no difference. Currently she is back in a serious depression, and I am left protecting the kids and mostly trying to stay out of her way. I really don’t want our marriage to end, but I am pretty much out of ideas and energy to make anything better.
My husband was diagnosed with depression/anxity disorder & attempted suicide 5 years ago. Things have been very good for the past 5 years. He recently told me that he can’t get the anger thoughts out of his head toward me for not “being there” for him through his depressed time. (I never left, but did go into survival mode of coping raising my children and taking care of my business and house.) He feels I was mean to him during that time. I can’t get him to understand my point of view of how difficult that time was for me. He is considering leaving me.
i am living with a depressed wife. i am still in my late 20s and i tried and still am trying to support her as much as i can. i suffered so much, and sometimes i feel so frustrating and hopeless, so i am wondering if there are any depressed people who really recovered from this disease. i need an example to make me strong.
My husband is diabetic and is having a major depressive episode. We now have learned that he may have chronic depression,he often was angery and irritable. Now he won’t even get out of bed except to eat afew bites. It is driving me up a wall. I have been supportive and encouraging but it is really starting to drag me down also. Even our yougest child(17) is starting to wonder if Daddy will ever get better.
How do we stay strong?
My husband has been diagnoised with Major Depression/paranoa disorder. He has suffered I believe with depression for years but things have exploded this past year. He sucks the life out of everyone he touches. Sometimes I am so angry and resentful about it and other times I am full of compassion. I am so confused and concerned about the welfare of our three young children. I am starting to believe I can’t help him fight depression forever if he does’nt respond to treatment. I don’t know how I will make it.
my husband is very depressed and strongly despises therapists / outside treatment. He says i’m not supportive enough and have not listened to what he needs, and so now he is in this state. i know that i am not responcible for his state. i want to support him through this, but am starting to think that maybe it is better this has surfaced before we would have had kids and a house. he is unable to concentrate and therefore i have to do everything myself and/or check what he does (so the bike doesn’t fall off the car bike rack, etc). i don’t know what to do. lately he says he wants a divorce one minute and 5 mins later he didn’t mean it. although i try to remember he is not talking from his real self, but from being unwell, my trust is withering and my frustration is growing. is it normal for those of you who have depressed spouses to feel like you have caused it (b/c maybe they say so) or that you are not good for them (and so maybe you are a bad person), or that you are not supportive enough (b/c no matter how much you can think you are supporting them, they will somehow percieve you as not supporting them), ????????? i am trying to not get caught up in emotions, but to try and see clearly what is going on.
My husband and i have lasted through a two year long distance relationship and now we are together in the same house and things have gotten pretty bad. He is depressed i think because he has no job or any friends that are near him. He is new to america, he moved here to be with me, but he is so unhappy here and he even told me it was my fault. I think we both know the best thing is for him to be here but I feel ignored as a wife and I really don’t know what to do.
Dear People with depression and/or depressed spouses,
You all sound very courageous and insightful, and my heart is with you. I am also trying to live with a depressed spouse, and it is so hard! Every minute you maintain your compassionate attitude is really a miracle.
Maybe it will help to know that people do recover from depression. I had depression myself in my teens and twenties, but now in my forties, I have been a cheerful, optimistic person for twenty years, thank God. I say this because, although depression is not within our control, there are still things we can do, in addition to maintaining a healthy lifestyle (eating well, exercising, etc.) My recovery involved a gradual shift in my perception, from negativity to being open to the possibility that life might be okay. In my case, I was greatly affected by my environment–the people, books, movies, music, etc. with which I surrounded myself. Choose carefully the food for the mind. This doesn’t mean avoiding real life with the silly or “pollyanna.” There are plenty of true uplifting and inspiring stories, people, art, and music!
And then, if possible, choose carefully the thoughts themselves. Ask yourself (and/or your spouse), is this thought helpful? Is it the whole truth, or might there be another way to look at things? In whatever is your way, ask God for help to improve the quality of your thoughts.
I am sorry to read about your suffering, which I do feel along with you, but I am also greatly moved by your courage and strength. Best wishes to you that things will work out.
I too am struggling at times living with my husband who has clinical despression.
Long story short I think at last I have accepted there is no easy fix. I live more as though he is a friend and respond with the expectation I would have of a good friendship rather than my expectation of a spouse. This seems to help me not seep into resentment.
I stay an individual within the relationship and this keeps me strong and helps me not break the boundaries of over compensating for his moods. I continue to socialise (often on my own) and get involved in interests outside of our marriage. This seems to give me a break and new energy to come back and be a good friend again and again.
i still wish there was a miracle cure at times as I long for the uplift and encouragement that I used to get from my spouse. I seek these things from friends and family instead.
Do you think it is harder for a woman living with a despressed man? I sometimes think our inbuilt desire to be cared for, protected and loved makes is harder for a woman to have to be the strong one all the time. I’m interested in others views on this.
I guess my long term fear is that another man will come along and make me feel these things again and it would be tempting to respond.
It’s been over a year now for me. My husband suffered his second relapse about 3 months ago. If I could give up hope of ever being cared for, I would be alot better off. The up and down trend of his peronality and health are simply torture. This should be the best time of our lives, and I feel like it is over. I probably should leave him for both our sakes, but like everything else, I will have to arrange everything. I am a happy person by nature and I keep fooling myself into hope for a brighter future, but does anyone really think there might be one. I thought he was better, but since the relapse I wonder if that is possible.
I am in my late 20’s living with a husband depressed for the 3rd time in a year. Is there anyone who can relate to my situation? Is there anyone who is told each time the depression hits that he no longer knows if he loves you or wants to be with you? That he believes something is wrong and it must have to do with the marriage? I try and convince myself it is not truly him talking, but it gets harder every time.
I think my husband is depressed. He seems fine one minute then he gets really angry. He says horrible things to me and tells me he has nothing to be happy about. He is only 22 years old. He has had a lot of things happen to his family recently and I think that is what started it. I want to make him feel better, but there is nothing I can do or say to calm him down. He shows more anger than sadness, but I believe he truly is sad. He has talked about suicide and it really scares me. He refuses to go to a doctor or get help. I don’t know what to do. I saw mostly comments and questions on this page and very few answers. Hopefully someone out there can give me some advice. Please help!
Anybody else have a depressed spouse who self medicates with alcohol?
For Amy
My husband began to self-medicate. I was only suspicious at first and thought I might just be imagining it, until one day I caught him red-handed sneaking spirits and drinking it straight from the bottle. Turned out this was good as we could at last talk about it. Both parties need to want to work it out. We started by getting rid of all alcohol in the house and then agreed on having just six small bottles of beer for drinking over the weekend each week so that there was a measured amount only available. It meant he had to face the fact that he had a problem and then eventually went for some counselling for depression. This meant we could address the real problem. I don’t have any ideal answers, but keep talking about it with your husband. I know if I hadn’t been able to confront this symptomatic problem, the self-medication would have become the problem. Anti-depressants are safer than alcoholism.
For Teresa
I think anger is very symptomatic of depression, far more so than the steriotypical picture of sadness. My husband gets very snappy and often with little real justification. I used to think I was over reacting but now my teenage daughters notice this trait also. Tell your husband you need him to go to the doctor to stop you worrying, hopefully this will appear to make the problem yours not his, and go with him. Then you will have the opportunity to voice your concerns with someone to advise you both. Hope this is helpful. Good luck.
my husband has suffered depression for over 20 years, (we have been married 27) the past 3 years have been hell, especially the last couple of months, he has spoken about suicide, this morning he has walked out of the house, without me knowing, I have no idea if he is coming back! I have supported him throughout all of this with very little help from anyone. (no-one else knows apart from his doctor)its like treading on egg shells all the time, and what DO you say to the children? Life is put on hold, always afraid to plan anything ‘just in case’, medications have never worked, we know that healthy eating and exercise work for him, but when he’s feeling down, its the last thing he wants to do! I’ve never considered leaving because, hey I love the guy, but how do I cope?
Reading these comments have helped. My husband has cancer, is in remission, and becomes very anxious and depressed prior to each 3 month checkup. He does not want to hear from me that he is depresed and will not take medication. This past week has been a nightmare because of his constant criticism and angry outbursts. Today, I went to the doctor who prescribed anti-anxiety medication for me; and I feel calmer already.
My husband suffers from depression as well. It is effecting our relationship. With all the mediations he is on he sleeps a lot, no compassion or sexual activity at all. I try to reach out but he rejects me all the time. When I try to talk to him he thinks and I am nagging him and gets very angry with me. He now has to take another pill when he fells this anger coming on because he scares me. He has come after me to hit me but as never did it. He swears and as bad gesters at me when he gets angry. We have been married for 34 years. I don’t know if I can go another year with him. I love him very much but I dislike the person he has turned out to be. Any advise. Thanks for the reponse.
My husband and I are very young in our marriage-3 years to be exact. He always treated me like a princess and loved that I was independent and fun to be around, and enjoyed my conversation. Well, now he is quick to shut me up, thinks I am annoying, quick to be angry, and thinks I don’t have anything to say of importance. BUT, on other days he thinks the world of me, enjoys my company, and cannot stop talking to me. So, I deal with the depression and anxiety by being independent, not depending on my spouse for emotional comfort-because he can’t even handle his own emotions. Believe me, I cry my tears and get sad that my husband is not who I married, but I know he is hiding in there somewhere. The key to living life-just live it as if you were single, and enjoy the times your spouse wants to be a couple and can share love.
My wife suffers depression and it has been hard on our marriage as well as our young (7 and 9) boys. She says she wants a more compassionate husband but when I attempt to spend time with her it always ends in the kitchen sink coming my way. It is extremely difficult to be supportive when I tend to be the target of the anger part of her depression. It is almost impossible to be supportive when that anger is directed at the children. I have found that short little episodes of closeness and tenderness work to bring her out of her deepest funks. Anything longer than 15 minutes and I become the target of the problem de jour.
It is hard when nothing you do seems to be good enough.
I am amazed at the number of us supporting our partners through their depression. I thought I was alone. I recently found out my sister went through the same thing, and with the help of friends, medication, and counseilng, has “found” the man she married again. I have hope that there is help.
My husband meets with a doctor next week to hopefully get started on medication. I am worried.
I have spent the last 20 years running the house, accomodating his negativety, constantly walking on eggshells, and coming up with excuses to friends and family as to why I won’t bring a child into this relationship. I don’t know from minute to minute if I’m with my happy, smart, supportive spouse, or the one consumed by depression.
I wish I would have left early in the relationship. If I knew then what I do now, I would have left. If you are in a new relationship, consider leaving. The burden is too large, and it isn’t right to have to give up your future. Now I’ve invested and given up too much to walk away. I truly do love him, even when the depression says he doesn’t love me. The best source of support has come from the readers digest webpage “Coping with a depressed spouse.”
I am finally realizing that my husband has had a problem with depression throughout most of our 24 year marriage. I am also learning about my own codependency, and I understand that my codependency is probably the reason I did not realize/look seriously at my husband’s condition earlier. My problem is that my husband “doesn’t believe” in psychology and “hates” doctors. Therefore, he refuses to get any help. I understand this may be part of the illness, but that doesn’t help me any. I am also at the point of leaving the marriage. His depression has taken it’s tole on me and our children.
I am sorry this is so long but I have a lot of things I need to get out, so here goes.My husband and I have been married for 6 yrs. now, and he has been depressed more or less the entire time. We are not a couple of kids, I am 40 and he is 54. We only new each other for 5 months when we got married(he was in a big hurry and now I know why). That was by far the stupidest thing Ive ever done. If I could go back I would not walk, I would not run, I would fly like a bat out of hell to the nearest exit! Now you might think thats cold of me and to tell you the truth just typing those words makes me feel cold hearted and guilty. But make no mistake I do love him, just no longer in a romantic sense, its what you call a willful love, a committed love. When you have to take care of someone who at times is down right child-like, the romance goes right out the window. He can barely manage to go to work much less take care of anything around the house(grass cutting,home maintenance etc.) I have to take care of all of that and him, which includes making sure he keeps his doctors appointments, making sure he takes his medicine, making sure he takes a bath etc. You get my point. I am growing increasingly weary and when he is not at work all he wants to do is lay on the couch and escape into the television or sleep. No going out, nothing! We have been to doctors and tried many different medications and none of them have worked for very long. I had recently begun to think that maybe he was treatment resistant but my gut instinct says no! You see medication is only part of the treatment the patient has to want to get better, they have to try. Apparently my husband does not.Come to find out he’s been depressed his whole life and he seems to want to stay that way. He seems to like it! The depression is like a big warm fuzzy blanket that he just wraps himself up in. Depression is what he knows, its what he does, and he does it better than anything else. If you think that depression does not work that way, think again. Now, I have made a commitment to him and to leave would not be the answer, not for him and even more so not for me. The challenge I now face is to take care of me. To learn to be happy even when he is not. To try and learn not to feel guilty for taking time out for myself. And to learn to enjoy doing things by myself which isn’t easy. After all thats why people get married, to have someone in this world to share there life with. Unfortunately for me and so many others out there, this is a very lonely world.
My boyfriend of 5 years is depressed and drinking all the time. We don’t live together, which is something he wanted to happen quickly. It was my choice to wait b/c of the children involved. I’m so weary of his rages, all nighter drinking binges, sleeping all day, staying in his cave (bedroom) with stupid tv and now, since I’ve broken up with him for the 5th time–frustrated all the time–medicine isn’t working–his new addiction to porn. I haven’t talked to his family, they believe I’m the crazy lady. And indeed, I have gone over the edge in shear pain not realizing what I was dealing with and reacting. I know I should run, but I love this man with every fiber of my being. What should I do?
I am in the same boat. Every morning I wake up and wait to hear his “hello” so I know what kind of day it’s going to be. I can tell before he can that he’s headed down the depression path with what begin as subtle changes in his personality, even his appearance. The worst part is when he’s teetering. When he’s really, really bad, he just sleeps. But, when he’s in between, he picks at every word I say. Then I’ll let my guard down, say something that doesn’t seem like a big deal, and he’ll start the fight of fights. A cold war where we may not speak for days cause he just wants to hash and rehash and pick at everything I do. So, I choose to not engage and just go silent. I would never leave because he is awesome to the kids and awesome when he’s not “there”. And I could never picture custody issues and picking my kids up from someone else’s house. I stay hopeful. We’ve had mild success with homeopathic treatments after all the anti d’s have stopped working. It is a small relief to hear others have similar experiences. I crave the understanding of someone else. It can be very lonely. And yes, I have become a whiz at making up excuses. I live my own life much of the time…me and my kids. I’m so sad.
My wife has been depressed, on and off (mostly on) for 20 years. We’ve been married for 30 and I still remember the sweet and happy girl she was. That memory is part of the torture I now live through. She has sought treatment, but only the kind you can find in a bottle. Healthy eating, exercise, anything that requires doing something that she doesn’t want to do is not even considered. I’m a long way from perfect, but she assuiduously recalls my every shortcoming, even from the early days of our marriage, while the many efforts I have made to make her feel loved and wanted are completely forgotten (I mean literally). One of the tough parts for me is that I still have sexual desires, while she has absolutely none. Any attempt to even talk about this issue ends in disaster. There are treatments available, and I think the thing that kills me is not that she doesn’t want me, but that she doesn’t want to want me. Maybe it’s just a guy thing, but this is a real blow to my self respect and I think I’m starting down that same path toward depression. Anyone out there found a way to deal with this issue?
Paul,
I understand your point of view as I do your Wives point of view as I have been on both sides of the depression issue. Whe I was going through depression I did not want to accept that things in my life were the way that they were supposed to be. That the people that were in my life actually loved me. I tried medication through a DR. which put me in the hospital and nearly killed me. What in the end brought me out of it was a slow gradual change in my way of thinking. I had to silence the voice in my head that said there were problems that I was not in control of. My Spouse, who I Love dearly, was treated horribly during this time. Anything that I could say that would hurt her I did. I did not repond to her in a husbandly fassion. It was not that I did not want to it was more that I couldn’t. But in the end it was her sticking by my side for almost two years that helped to silence the voices and bring me back.
From your perspective, I am currently going through this same thing with my wife. the long hard road I went down took its toll on her spiralling her into the same place that I was. Fortunatly having been through all this already I know what it is that she is going through. Men and women respond to depression in different ways. One of them is sexually. When I was depressed I wanted sex all the time, and now that she is depressed she does not want it at all. Im sorry to tell you that even though you might consider it a blow to your manhood, its not meant like that. Not wanting to go through this particular stage myself I started a card game with my wife. I did this to start to change her way of thinking about things. I went and bought a set of 3×5 notecards and wrote simple little things that either on of us can do for the other. I kept them nonsexual, things such as just sitting and holding the others hand to a massage. The important thing is physical contact in a nonthreatening manner. We each draw at random 1 card a day and do the action recoded on the card we draw. This very simple thing can do so much in your personal physical relationship as well as your emotional bond and hers. Just being touched by a massage or holding hands or a hugg can have dramatic effects on her emotional state if she feels it is not for a prelude to sex. It wont be a change overnight and it may take a while to accomplish. But with God’s support and your will to not quit, it will make a difference, one way or another.
Scott,
Thanks for the thoughtful reply. It’s nice to hear from someone who has seen it from both sides. I won’t give up.
This has been a great discussion. The road to recovery for the depressed person is one that is so very difficult and isolating. Having your spouse alongside you in an unconditionally supportive manner is extremely beneficial. The problem arises when the spouse of the depressed gets worn down by being the rescuer, the caretaker, the healthy one…this is one problem to watch if you are in this position. Take care of yourself, seek individual therapy, reach out to your family and close friends, don’t keep it too much of a terrible secret, be kind to yourself and be optimistic. Commitment and perseverence - you can do it! I’ve been there, we’ve gone through the very worst of depression but go through our own challenges daily. As the spouse of a (once) severely depressed, I can only say to hold on - it can get better if you seek proper support.
MTD
www.married-to-depression.blogspot.com
It has now been over a month since my spouse has been on medication, and it has been a God send. I’m still fearful that it won’t last, but after several weeks of not walking on eggshells, I’m beginning to find joy in our relationship. Its a moment of needed rest.
To the person who commented that your partner is turning toward drinking and pornography, and continuing to be critical, emotionally abuseive, and voicing the same concern again and again - this is all part of “the depression.” These are common often unvoiced, symptoms of an illness that needs medical and psychological attention.
Please also visit: depressionfallout.com for a more interactive message board, and read Anne Sheffeild’s book “How to Survive When They’re Depressed.” There are many suggestions on how to help your partner seek medical assistance, even when they are resistent. And better yet, support for yourself!
I noticed something as I read through the comments here. The women with depressed husbands are asking how they can help. They are looking for ways “in” to help. The “husbands” are looking to “take care of myself” as “key” and “I’m actually glad she is at work”. Looking for ways “out”. Very selfish people these “husbands”. I am a husband who has been severly depressed most of my live without treatment. (42 years old.). My wife is very supportive and always tries to help. I try very hard not to burden her with it. But, if she was the one depressed….I would never “be glad” she is away. These men will soon be divorced I am sure. You are far too selfish to be a husband. You’re not a giver…you are a taker. Maybe that is why she is depressed.
To Amy,
I got what you were asking and I am that person. My kids are my passion and I love the days that my husband goes to work so that I don’t have to feel his negativity and irritability. I want alcohol around 5:00 pm when I know he is coming home. I find myself becoming more depressed and alcohol helps me deal with how I feel around my depressed husband. I am so glad to hear someone else say that.
I am sitting here crying my eyes out as I read about my life in others comments. I sought help for my depression and anxiety several years ago and have responded great to medication and counseling. During my journey, it has become strongly evident that my husband is depressed as well. He very recently went to his first counseling appt, but since he is a long haul truck driver it makes everything 10 x harder. As of now, it has been 6 days since he called or returned by calls. He went 10 days back in November I feel so sick and just don;t know what to do. I have different emotions moment to moment. Like another poster, I have considered leaving too many times to count, but at the end of the day I just can’t do it. I can’t imagine putting our daughter (7) through that, and am so worried that I would regret it. I just feel really, really lonely, and have no idea what it would feel like to be taken care of by him. I always tell him its a good thing I’m not needy.
I, too, am coping with my own mild depression but my husband’s depression has taken over our household. I realize he’s sick but its getting to a breaking point for me.
Two weeks ago, his rage boiled over again and he pinned me to a wall with his hands around my throat. This isn’t the first time this has happened. I’ve dealt with it a few times in the past. The only difference was that our brand new baby (our first) was in the bassinet and he pushed me into it. The baby was fine but the potential was there to hurt the baby.
I told him either he gets put on medication or I’m taking our son and leaving him for good. He went on the medication and now two weeks later its going right back to how it was.
I know many of you are probably screaming, “leave him!” but you don’t know the half of it. He and I were together 3+ years before we married and now together for 8 total. I didn’t know until it was too late that he was mentally abused and neglected by his family until recently. Add into that a failed attempt at the military (and someone teaching him how to be violent) and the nightmare exploded. He never laid a hand on me until they taught him how to be violent.
I’m at a breaking point. I’m miserable in our marriage. We don’t have the loving relationship we did in the beginning (or the few times I cling to since then), he isn’t strong and doesnt take care of me ever. When he’s upset, I am supportive. When I’m upset, I’m “dumping” on him.
I realize he’s depressed but I don’t have a chance to live my life either. I guess if I have to be honest, I don’t leave because I do love him but also because I’m afraid to be alone. I guess like most battered wives, we’re better off being hit than alone. I know it isn’t him though - its what he’s become and its the depression/anxiety/anger towards his family that he’s taking out on me. Luckily, since the medication, he hasn’t done that. He knows if it happens again, I’ll leave. I just hope I don’t have to. I’m so afraid of the custody battle (his parents have a ton of money and we don’t) and I can’t lose my son. That’s another reason I don’t just up and leave.
Depression hurts - in so many ways. Women: please don’t try to change him or help him. Find a guy who’s already the way you want him (or with faults you can easily accept). It just isn’t worth being tied into something you can’t easily sever. It just isn’t worth it.
I am dealing with my wife who is severely depressed and resisting treatment, instead insisting that her current state is “all my fault”.
I feel so helpless watching her spiral out of control, taking our marriage with it. She threatens divorce daily and seems to be moving in that direction.
I love her dearly, and can remember so vividly what kind of person she really is. I miss her.
I am unable to find a “live” support group for people living with spouses suffering from depression. I have been living with this for more than 20 years. My friends, and our friends, have been alienated by contact with my husband. People are judgmental and intolerant of couples who aren’t “pleasant” or “happy.” Even those who are compassionate have a difficult time with it. My energy is sapped. I need a group of people I can share with, who won’t judge me and who have a common experience. I have searched the web and not found anything. I go to counseling to deal with the situation and it helps. But I sure would like a group.
I am living in a world where I can not treat my depression. I have no insurance because my husband lost his job and he says that I can’t be depressed because when there is hope there is no reason for it. I have an anger problem, a depression problem, an anxiety problem, an OCD and bipolar problem - but my spouse is so anti-meds that I couldn’t get his support if I tried. He is a good, positive husband - but I am stuck living in a virtual prison while my life passes me by. My mom has a lot of mental illness - so there is definitely a chance I do as well.
I have been living with my favorite girl for almost a year now. We have been together for almost three years. She is only 25 and dealing with depression. She takes medication, which seems to help her feel a bit better, however her sex drive has disappeared, and she can’t get through a day without sleeping for 2 or 3 hours. I also endure a negative rant on a daily basis about how she hates people…how everyone makes their problems her problems, blah, blah, blah. Same thing everyday. It’s hard to listen to. Recently her Doctor changed her medication to try and help her sex drive, and she hasn’t left the house for three days. She phones me every hour crying. I’m getting worried about her job, as I can’t remember the last time she put in a full five day work week.
This is one of the sweetest, most beautiful girls you have ever seen…I love her so much. I try to coax her into more positive thoughts, and more physical activity (as I have read this helps). She just gets mad and says she can’t…and accuses me of not knowing what she is going through and how hard her life is. Then she goes to sleep while I make dinner or take the dog for a walk. (things we should be doing together) From my point of view, she has it pretty good (great job, beautiful house, amazing new puppy who loves her, I cook her meals every night while she naps after work, and pack her lunch every morning while she gets ready to go, her parents are doing great, and me…who loves her and hugs her all that I can, and treat her like a princess…she still can’t see the positive. “her life is sooo hard”…I don’t get it. I have never before in my life actually loved someone like this and wanted to make them happy. It’s so hard because it hust doesn’t get better. We are not married, but she has been picking out rings. I want to marry her (the sweet part of her), but it seems like a bad idea to sign up for a lifetime of this.
Looking for answers.
Susie…….RRRRRUUUUUNNNNNN!!!!!!
Dawn, Wal mart sells a generic brand of prozac at the pharmacy. Only 4 dollars. A doctor can decribe it for you. We don’t have much money either. We really couldn’t afford a visit one time for my husband to be treated and we set our pride aside and told them we had no money for a visit. The doctor was so nice that he treated my husband for free. So if you really can’t afford even one visit just aske around and be honest with them. Having someone say no is better than trying to live in depression. good luck
To Those Who Love Your Depressed Spouse:
Hope this isn’t too long. I have many mixed emotions on this topic. Susie, I’m sorry for telling you to run. Just a spur of the moment thing. I know how much love can hold you to a person, but I also know how a depressed spouse can bring you down.
I have to say, I’m so glad I checked out this website. I was beginning to think I was all alone in this world of marriage and depression.
On to my story….
My husband is the greatest man alive. I love him deeply. Same school. Same church. Same personality. We were always the life of the party. Especially him! We didn’t really date, was just good friends. We dated 6 months and he proposed…we were married 6 months after that. during our dating He was so loving and couldn’t keep his hands off me. (we abstained till marriage) Seems like a few months after we were married he changed. we’ve been married alomst three years now. We have a 1 and 1/2 old baby. I Have many mixed emotions. I have been through his anger and laziness and tears. He won’t take his medicine. He had thrown stuff at me, lied, verbally cheated and drives off all the time, but NEVER has he stayed mad at me. He always comes and apologizes. For that, I stay and love him unconditionally. I do worry about our marriage and our child.
My husband doesn’t hate me of our child….he hates himself. Hates himself for putting me through all this, for being angry, for throwing tantrums and being lazy(he’s out of the laziness now. He really HATES himself. How do you help someone forgive and love themselves? It is said if you commit suicide that you automatically go to hell. He thinks he deserves hell for all the hell that he’s put me through.
It’s very sad and I don’t know what to say anymore to help him through it. The other night I found him curled up in a fetal position in the corner of the bedroom. Not crying. Just no feelin. We don’t have many friends. No one we can talk to. We’ve always talked to each other. Now we don’t know what to do.
I would never leave him cause he would for sure kill himself…i couldn’t live with that. I think the best advice i’ve heard is what someone said on here about being their friend…not expect them to be lovey or sexy all the time…My husband hasn’t touched me in over a month. And yet, I love him. I miss the man i married and would do anything to get that man back, but sometimes i don’t want to wait 10 or 15 years for it to happen.
We’re reading a book called “the ladder out of depression” Don’t remember authors name.
I need help to cope and to show my husband how to love himselg the way i love him.
any advice is appreciated
I’ve been with a depressed spouse for 20+ years, and it DOES NOT ever get better, especially if meds get involved. She used to be mildly depressed, and started on zoloft 15 yrs or so ago, and now is on her umpteenth different antidepressant, and has developed a Xanax habit (REAL FUN)..she’ll be fine for a week or 2 and then it all comes back to everything being my fault….everything sucks…nobody cares…blah blah blah…
I have endured this endless nightmare for my daughter’s sake, and now that she is 15, I am counting the years down, waiting for her to be in college or on her own, and when it feels right and OK, I’m leaving. To those who might say that’s selfish…YES IT IS! We only get one shot at life, my clock is ticking, and I have been in spouse induced sadness hell for years now, and am now myself getting very depressed…I want out, and I want my life back! Stay in it to support and protect your kids, but otherwise…GET OUT…it’s a chronic disease, it does not get better, and it WILL eventually wear down even the most resillient, upbeat person…which I once was! It’s nice to think you can save someone, but it’s a suicide mission. I do, and have loved my wife with all my heart, but I’m in love with the memory of who she was, or can briefly be, but despise who she’s become…I don’t want to spend my last 20 years on earth reasoning with the unreasonable, consoling the inconsolable, I’m tired of being fooled by the 1 or 2 month “normal” phase just to slide into 6 or 8 months of sheer mind numbing hell…I’m just too drained and I know when I’ve been defeated by something way bigger than I can handle anymore. For better or worse, in sickness and in health…I know I uttered those words, and I am ashamed I can’t live up to them, but as I said..I admit defeat. Good luck to you all out there.
WHAT A BUNCH OF COMMENTS…I SEEM TO RELATE TO ALL OF THIS IN SOME SMALL WAY OR ANOTHER. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A POSSITIVE PERSON, ONE WHO IS ABLE TO FIND GOOD, OR JOY, OR SOME KIND OF HAPPINESS IN ANY SITUATION, YET MY WIFE OF FIVE YEARS SEEMS TO BE THE POLAR OPPOSITE. WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR FIVE YEARS. UNTIL ME, SHE HAS NEVER HAD A MAN IN HER LIFE THAT HAS LOVED HER. SHE HAS BEEN ABUSED IN SOME WAY BY HER FATHER, BROTHER, & HER FIRST HUSBAND. I DON’T IN ANYWAY WANT TO SAY I’M A VICTIM, BECAUSE I DON’T FEEL LIKE ONE, BUT FOR THOSE OF YOU OUT THERE THAT SUFFER FROM DEPRESSION IN OR AROUND YOUR LIFE, I THINK @ TIMES, THE HARDEST PART FOR ME IS THAT MY JOY THAT CAN BE CONTAGIOUS @ MY WORK, CHURCH OR OTHER SITUATIONS JUST SEEMS TO RUB MY WIFE THE WRONG WAY…IT SEEMS TO JUST PISS HER OFF. I TRY VERY HARD TO ENCOURAGE HER, BUILD HER UP WITH LOVING COMMENTS, IN SO MANY WORDS, “CHEER HER ON” IN HER BATTLE AGAINST DEPRESSION. I HAVE JUST STARTED TO DO EXTENSIVE RESEARCH ON THE SUBJECT OF DEPRESSION. I BELIEVE IN MY WIFE, I BELIEVE IN HER DESIRE TO GET WELL, I DON’T TAKE HER DEPRESSION PERSONALLY & MOST OF ALL I LOVE, ADORE & CARE FOR HER DEEPLY. FOR ALL OF YOU SUFFERING WITH DEPRESSED SPOUSES…KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK, THOSE PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE THAT TELL YOU TO RUN, HAVE PROBABLY RAN FROM EVERYTHING IN THEIR LIFE THAT HAS EVER BEEN DIFFICULT OR ARE RUNNING FROM SOMETHING AS YOU READ THIS LETTER & TO THOSE WHO ARE BATTLING WITH DEPRESSION…”THERE IS HOPE”…”YOU CAN BE HAPPY!!!” I HOPE IN SOME WAY I HAVE ENCOURAGED SOMEONE TODAY….YOUR COMMENTS HAVE GIVEN ME ALITTLE MORE HOPE MYSELF. GOD BLESS YOU ALL. TIM
I am happy I found this site. I am dealing with a husband who had a major depression two years ago. At the time, he insisted the depression was due to issues with our house at the time. The issues were resolved, we sold the house and immediately - he went back into a depressive state. Depression runs in his family. Now that he realizes that the house was not the issue (it was just the straw that broke the camel’s back)he has decided that it must be me and our marriage that make him miserable. He has totally withdrawn. When he was on antidepressants, he said he craved alcohol and drank everyday. He snuck around to do so because he knew I disapproved. He found a female friend and snuck around with her. We survived that, though I don’t believe she has ever been out of the picture. He has just gotten back on medication, but he has moved out of our new house, leaving me to care for our three kids. He comes back every other night or so to see the kids and totally ignores me. If I try to talk to him - it just agitates him. He says he feels nothing. He has an appointment with a psychiatrist next week, but I don’t know how much more I can take. This has been a roller coaster ride. I don’t want him to leave. I don’t want to be without him. At the same time, I so miss the person that he was. He is not the same at all and I don’t know that he ever will be. I feel more like my husband died and I am grieving. I want to help and try to be supportive, but I get nothing in return. I am so sad myself and worry that I will end up depressed and then how will I care for our three young children.
It is so very good to read all these comments and know that I’m not the only one dealing with a depressed spouse. It took me a long time to realize that it really was NOT me cuasing the difficulties in our marriage - for of course I was the one always blamed. Hard to believe that someone so intelligent would not realize that even though his mother had been on Prozac the last 25 years of her life, and his father drank because of depression, and his brother is on anti-anxiety drugs, that this was what was bothering my own husband. This is why he continually pushes all the household tasks onto me (even with 5 sons, my own fulltime teaching job and a farm to run), constantly tells me he is “too tired” to deal with things, can’t keep track of any detail, and is always gloom and doom. My own personality is very much the opposite, but as a strongly empathetic person, it sure is easy to get sucked down yourself! At least I’ve learned to watch out for that. Worse part is, he is in major denial and absolutely refuses to ask for help. I’ve made numerous appointments and tried to go with him, only to find out he’s cancelled them. Then he promises to try alternative therapies - like exercising (he is quite overweight), but of course fails to follow through after a while.
To help take care of myself I’ve recently returned to graduate school, become much happier, and the resentment on his part is palpable. I’ve learned that other people really do think I’m pretty wonderful and amazing, and not just a pain. I realize how learning to deal with this has forced me to grow in ways I never would have otherwise. Which is great, but I still long for happier days with my spouse, some affection and affirmation - and for my kids sake, as well as my own. Because I do love him, and I want to spend many more years with him, but it is so very, very hard. Now my classes are over for the summer, and I absolutely dread three months without much interaction with my support group (who don’t even realize this is what they are!). Definitely my most intense spiritual battle.
OK, here’s where I am. Have been with my husband 6 years, married for almost 3. He’s been depressed almost the entire time, with short breaks, the longest when we first met and then other short bits when I thought things would get better but for every gain we fall back again a bit. Slow improvement, but it doesn’t look to me like we’ll ever have a normal life.
I’m so so tired. His constant edginess and tension, the angry blow-ups over every little thing I do. Constant smoking. Occasional (about once per year) bouts of drunken abusiveness. The loneliness of our total lack of a social life. The horrible costs of his medication and therapy. The enormous debts he incurred during the worst of his illness. The possibility that I may never be confident enough in his health to have a child with him. Given his terribly unhealthy lifestyle and family history, the near-certainty that he’ll develop serious health problems within a decade, and that I’ll be a widow within, say, two.
I can’t imagine life without him - I really, truly do love him - but the rational part of my brain keeps pointing this out to me. How do other people handle this? Sometimes now I wish that I’d run the other way when I had met him, had not been so understanding about what seemed like quirks, had evaluated the relationship more coolly. What will I think of that decision when I’m 50? Someone please answer.
For those of you with kids, staying in your misery BECAUSE of them…I ask you, just how are they benefitting from the situation? I ask, because I asked myself the same for three years, argued with myself about which would be more harmful to them emotionally…divorce and who knows what kind of relationship with dad, or living with it every day. As my husband left and wanted out of our life every other week or so, I got a lot of time to compare how life could be versus how we were living it, and to ponder on how the kids would be affected (who were one and two years old at the time.) With daddy home, they got a few minutes of play time with him each day and a story at night, if he stayed home. They had to be kept out of his way, away from violent TV shows he watched. They got to hear our arguring about why he doesn’t want to take care of himself. They got to constantly beg for attention they weren’t getting because we were wrapped up in hours long debate, analysis, ridiculous arguements about who he thought I was staring at as I walked passed a cafe. They got to search through a swamp, one strapped to my front, one to my back, looking for daddy, calling for him, after finding suicide notes one afternoon. They got to watch him disappear in anger for days, and then reappear. They got to watch mommy cry in despair and they got to cry for daddy and ask when they would see him again. The got the answer “I have no idea”. They got a mommy who was alternately angry and sad, not knowing how to fix the situation, not knowing if there would be any money left in the bank account for food or a doctor visit, because daddy had a compulsive spending issue, and a drug habit. They got a great dad when he decided to take his meds and a pitiful, sad angry wreck of a person when he decided he didn’t want to be bound to any pill. I really relate to your words “walking on eggshells, “mind numbing”….lots of pain and torture.
When he was gone for a while, I got to see the beauty of my children, of our surroundings, of simple pleasures, giving undivided attention to two very young beings who needed a stable loving atmosphere, of walking freely through our home, of the silence of a tv turned OFF, of not worrying how a gesture or comment of mine might be misconstrued.
So much of what many of you say rings true for me…how the affection was there at the beginning, how it is now deviod of fun intimacy, caring, sharing, how it’s all now just a burden, and how it’s all somehow MY fault. But it’s not. We are responsible for our own grown selves. We can change ONLY how we act and react. These sick and depressed spouses will only get better if they WANT to. If we continue to care for them and they are not putting in any effort, we are enabling them to remain sick. They have a choice. And so do you.
Daddy left one day, flew 2000 miles away, said he was starting divorce proceedings in the state where we were married. That was the end for me. I got off the rollercoaster. He begged to try again, he vowed to seek counseling. He said he had changed. He said he still loved me. He said I wasn’t being fair to the kids. He promised to stick around if I would give him one more chance. He said he had had too much going on emotionally, but now he was better. He tried to manipulate me to get back on that hellish ride with him again, and expose our children to it again. One last chance, please?!!?? But I wouldn’t.
Life is SOOOOO much more peaceful now. I am in control of myself, my mental, social, emotional and physical well being. I am not so wrapped up in the well being of a hopelessly ill individual that I can’t give myself or our children what they need and DESERVE.
We are wonderful, happy, balanced. We are part of a good community of family and friends who help take care of each other, who take good care of themselves.
Daddy spends time each week with the kids. Long periods of consistent time, falling into his pattern of running away, needing space away, unable to cope with life in general. Who knows how long he will remain a part of their lives. He threatens frequently (still). to go somewhere else, “somewhere” where he can find happiness. I wish him luck finding that happiness.
Oh my gosh! I can’t believe there are so many of us out there but no live support groups. My husband and I have been married for 12 years, 3 beautiful boys and many bouts of depression. Its hard to know if you love the person anymore or are just to scared to leave in case they decide to take their life and the incredible guilt you would feel and the possibility of your children blaming you for leaving and no longer having a dad. I just don’t know anymore. I know on good days which are few and far between all of the sad, angry, anxious ones with regular retreats to the bathroom, bedroom, for sleep or scratch attacks: where was I going with this, oh yah that’s how I feel most days, on the good days, I go yes that is the man I married, fell in love with, but boy those other days, its just so hard to carry the physical, emotional and financial burdens that living with a husband with depression brings. We have tried marriage counselling, retrouvaille, individual counselling, medication - still not one that works well enough ( and trying meds is a whole nother job; the sleeping, the mood swings, the side effects the month or so lost, the sadness that is isn’t working). Sorry for long post, its a bit cathartic just to write this down to a group that will understand. i just wish there was someone to talk with daily who understand where I am and what I am dealing with and not always having to explain. If you don’t live with it, you don’t know. I know my friends and family love me and want the best for me and after awhile of saying the same thing over and over again, they don’t know what to say anymore and I understand that. Thank you for listening.
My wife is very depressed and I would also like it if there was a group that met monthly, so that we could all share what we are going through. We are not alone. I live in the NW Washington, Dc area and would love to start a local group for those people who just want to talk about what they are going through with their depressed spouse and to share ideas that have helped them deal with their loved one. My wife promised me that she would see a therapist and take medication to help her, but she stopped when she gained 10 pounds while on prozac. Even though she ate lots of junk food while on Prozac she felt that her medication was the sole cause of her weigh gain, so she stopped taking the Prozac cold turkey. Effexsor caused her to have nightmares, so I can understand why she stopped taking it. If anyone has tried a medication that did not cause weight gain, please let me know what it is.
Unfortunately, I didn’t know the extent of my husband’s depression until AFTER the wedding. If I had known before, I would have NEVER married him. I’ve sacrified who I am, having a family, and happiness in my life with the hope that my husband’s depression would get better. I placed the blame for my husband’s problems on my controlling mother-in-law who is now dying of cancer. I can only imagine what life will be like once she’s gone–quite frankly, I don’t think my husband will be able to survive her death. After reading other comments, I can safely say that it’s time for me to make plans to get out of this miserable existence. Life’s too short and he’s just not worth it anymore. I’m tired of his woe is me attitude!
I have bipolar and ocd,diagnosed 11 yrs. ago.my husband was diagnosed 2months ago with depression,he moved in with his parents leaving me with the house and 4 kids.I am on disability.My question is about my husband.he says he doesn’t love me like he should,he doesn’t feel emotion for me.is this normal??? he was on zoloft,didn’t work,on cymbalta,also not working,will be calling doctor tomorrow.
I JUST MARRIED A MAN THAT IS BI-POLAR, WE WERE A MARRIED A MONTH UNTIL HE TOLD ME TO GET OUT HE DID’NT WANT TO BE MARRIED ANYMORE AND TO TAKE MY CATS TOO. BEOFRE THIS HE WAS THE MOST LOVING GENTEL CARING SOUL THAT ANY WOMAN COULD WISH FOR, JUST ALL OF A SUDDEN HE FLIPPED. HE HAD NEVER BEEN MARRIED BEFORE NOW I CAN SEE WHY.HE’S NOT ON MED BUT SHOULD BE AND THE REASON HE QUIT TAKING MEDS WAS THE WEIGHT GAIN.I FEEL I’VE BEEN ROBBED OF THE BEST LOVE OF MY LIFE BUT I CA’T LIVE WITH SOMEONE LIKE THAT WE’RE FILING FOR DIVORCE.
My husband was just admitted for a suicide watch and severe depression. I am optimistic person and I feel guilty that I thought about leaving. I hate getting sucked into his vortex of depression. I love him dearly, but how do you live with it?
I am so sorry to read these posts and hear of so much unhappiness. However, I am very grateful I found this blog because I too am living in hell with a depressed spouse. We have been married for 27 years. There were short lived signs of this througout our marriage but it wasn’t until last year that this began ruining our marriage. It has been a long lonely, heartbreaking year. He refuses to get help. He thinks he can “fix” it or he will just snap out of it. He has pushed me so far away I am afraid that when or if he ever comes out of it, it will be too late. He is showing signs of porn addiction. Won’t touch me, he has ED. He has no remorse for hurting me the way he is. I have begged, cried, gone for counseling (alone)and have threatend to leave. I don’t know what to do anymore either. I make excuses for him to my family, shelter our grown sons from the truth about Dad right now. I have asked him to leave as well if he doesn’t get help. Problem is I will have to do all the work there too. We don’t speak to each other. He appears to not care what I am doing or going through. I get so frustrated. I try to be supportive but then I lose control and I end up saying the nastiest things to him which leaves me feeling guilty. This is not the same man I married and I really miss him. We were so good together. I wish he would come back but I honestly don’t know how long I can hang on. I know it seems wrong to leave someone and give up but I cannot hang on to someone who refuses to help himself. If he would only attempt to get some help I would be so much more commpassionate and would do everything I can to help him. Without him getting help I am fighting a losing battle right now. In the beginning of this depression cycle I refused to allow this to bring me down. But now, I am so tired and I am beginning to doubt my own self worth and feel my self esteem slipping away. Counseling doesn’t seem to help me, I just keep saying the same things over and over again like a broken record. What good is it going to do me if he won’t help himself. I need to find the strength to keep my head up and live my life
It has been so hard to feel so alone in the role of the wife of a depressed husband. Married 13 years, sons ages 7 and 9. My husband was the life of the party, was literally the “social chairman” of his fraternity and lived up to that role for years after. He is extremely smart, funny, good looking, creative, and has achieved everything in his career he dreamed of. We live in a gorgeous house in the best neighborhood, kids are great and go to the best private school, we can travel and do almost anything we want, our extended families are the best and we love being with them, husband is in the newspaper all the time for business accomplishments… blah blah blah… none of it matters because our inner lives are hell. The contrast between the blessings and advantages we have and the reality of our despair is the hardest thing. He became depressed about three years ago. He is very old-school - from a family where men were athletes and miltary men who pulled themselves up by their bootstraps and did not show weakness. I am a therapist, of all things! As you can imagine, it took a while for him to consider addressing his issues as “depression” and seeking outside help. We finally found a great therapist with whom he is comfortable, but he was opposed to even considering medication. He is now at a rock-bottom place, and I’m hoping he will reconsider it. When his depression started, he pulled away from me, along with everyone else, and then he decided that he was depressed because he was unhappy with our marriage. He has since been able to acknowledge that the marriage was not the problem - we’re not perfect, but we were never in conflict. He actually moved out though, and he has kept an apartment for the past two years. The fun part is that no one knows this, not even our kids. He tells them he is going back to the office at night (which has often been a habit - all his energies for towards work, and that is another issue). So the energies that go towards keeping up that facade are extensive. I battle every day with the negative thoughts I have regarding my inadequacies - the feeling that I am constantly auditioning to win back the role of “wife”, when he never could tell me one thing I did wrong in the first place. I am exhausted.
I have been married for close to 28 years. In that time I always felt inadequate as a wife because no matter what, my husband was unhappy. I would blame myself because that was easy to do. He also always reminded me that he was unhappy because of something I lacked, or I didn’t do, or did do. We have four wonderful children. Their experience growing up in this household was mixed as he treated some differently and also all humans react differently to the abuse of a depressed person. My one daughter, now 20 and in college was brave enough to confront him with all the pain he had inflicted on her. He views it as “her” problem. I have sat and wondered if he has a controlling personality or if he’s depressed. Perhaps it’s some of both, but I know he is depressed. He will come out and say,,,,I am very depressed, but it’s always followed by, but if you did this or that or looked like this, or acted like this,,,then he’d be just fine. I work full time and provide a large majority of the family income. He works the dairy farm we own and it’s a ton of work. He will not have an open discussion on what the future holds now that all our children have moved on and there’s no more family labor to help him. In the past things have gotten so bad I said no more. I would tell him there was a problem and it wasn’t ME. I ask him to please discuss depression with his doctor at his annual physical and when that time came he’d tell his doctor he was just perfect. Too bad there’s not a blood test for depression, as his lipids and blood sugars and blood pressures are perfect. This tells him,,according to him that he’s very healthy. He will not even bring up the issue of depression with his doctor, after all the problem is with ME. So often I told myself that when the last left I would be free to go. But its never easy. With shared children there’s always an event,,,graduations, weddings, that I don’t want to disrupt because I call it quits and moved out. But I want to feel free of the constant cloud of giving everything I have to make another happy, when it has hit home that I will never really be able to do that ever. Still I try. I put on a smiley face at social events even though I had only heard complaints for hours before. My heart has hit rock bottom and I don’t know if my staying because I wanted a “good” home for my children was the right thing to do. If there was a magic formula to “make him happy” I’d sell my soul.
I am the spouse of a depressed man, and for 28 years, also. I have thought of leaving - sometimes every single day, now maybe once a month. It is unlikely I will leave. I understand he is ill and I have great sympathy and love. That does not necessarily give me what I need to get through this. One has to have the resilience of Job. There are good times…and sometimes that feels almost cruel. I would like to find an online support group that allows an exchange of thoughts, etc. among spouses of depressed people…I do NOT want to hear from those who ARE ddpressed. No offense and you have my best wishes, but I’ve heard enough. I want to hear with people who are LIVING WITH a depressed spouse.
i know every person’s experience is different but what i’m trying to figure out is if i should keep hope alive and stay with him (we’ve been together for about 7 years) or end it now so i can live what “might” be a happier life. there are no guarantees or promises kept in this situation, i think. it’s amazing to see so many people have similar stories. my husband is getting help (therapy and meds) and has been for the last 2 years or so. how much longer do i need to wait to see some progress? for him it’s just the never wanting to leave the house, sitting in front of the TV all day, not sleeping at all, not helping around the house. i wish i had more patience and optimism. it’s just hard sometimes because when we first met, he was the most attentive, fun, and charismatic person. now i only see glimmers of his former better self.
I too am living with a depressed husband. It has been going on for 2 years now….no intimacy (physical or emotional), we fight, he sleeps a lot…they typical symptoms one has when depressed.
Now I am having anxiety. I am seeing my doctor today. I try to be strong for so long for my children and myself and my sanity, but I have reached the end of my rope. I don’t want to divorce.
How do we “start over?” Can anyone give me some suggestions as to how to try to save my marriage? We need to take baby steps, but what does that look like? There has been so much hurt and resentment that we both feel lost. Help!
Lily, i know what you mean– i’ve been feeling at the end of my rope lately, too, but i am not ready to divorce. I started seeing a therapist but that hasn’t helped too much (maybe it’s the therapist, though– she’s nice but not very helpful for me to get at my own feelings and issues). I’ve been reading in a lot of blogs and articles that #1 is taking care of myself. i see that as hanging out with friends, going to the gym, even getting a pedicure. i don’t have kids, though, so maybe it’s easier for me to get out on my own– do you have family or a trustworthy babysitter to take the kids while you go do your own thing?
another thing that has helped me is more mental– not taking his depression personally, which is hard but important.
and finally, after a few years of cajoling and encouraging, i got him to start seeing a therapist– i got a list of people, called them up myself, and then had him go to his first appointment. it’s slow progress and he definitely isn’t “cured” at all, but it’s helping him understand the causes of his own depression. the hard part is getting out of it!
don’t know if that helps at all. it’s been helpful for me, too, to read through these blogs and see that there are others in a similar situation as me!
To Susie: You probably feel so invested in your boyfriend and it’s clear that you love him. I can promise you that the heartache you feel now over your situation will be 100 times as bad if you marry him. End it NOW. Once you are away from the relationship for a while you will see how bad it really was. I wish I had listened to the signs before getting married - they were there but I thought our love would conquer all. Now I’m in your shoes trying to decide my next step. Only its 8 years of marriage later with children, religous committments and divorce guilt hanging over my head. Believe me it’s not going to change. YOU deserve a functional adult as a companion. You can still love him and keep the good memories you just won’t be burdened with his issues and his inability to fully love you back. It may be the most difficult thing you’ll ever do - say goodbye!
My husband was diagnosed with bipolar disorder about 2 years ago. He has “mixed episodes” where he either has mania or severe depression. The manic episodes are the worst. They happen about once every 2-3 weeks. He just “snaps” and cannot regain control of his emotions. Most of the time the thing that causes him to “snap” is something that he has imagined and not anything that is going on in the real world. He becomes violent and hostile towards me. Then after about 2 days of mania he goes into severe depression where he cries and talks about all of the bad things that have happened in our relationship and in his life. We have a 3 year old son and I have to take him to a relative’s house when he begins these episodes. He refuses medication because “it makes him feel weird” and he is also an alcoholic which does not help. I feel that I have no more options left but to leave him. I tried to suggest counseling but I ended up going to 2 sessions of marriage counseling by myself. I tried to get his family involved in an intervention of sorts but they refuse to get involved. I have tried everything from compassion to fighting back, to leaving for a week or so at a time and get blamed for “leaving him by himself” when he needed me the most. I know that he is the one who is sick but I feel like the victim here, I am the one living with the dread of going home every day. I empathize with him because I suffer from depression and recently I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder so I know how he feels when he says that he can’t control it. The part I can’t understand is not trying to do everything in your power to fix the problem. Does anyone have any suggestions other than walking away?
Reading all these comments makes me seriously wonder why there is no online support for the spouse living with a depressed spouse. There is a lot of help for the depressed spouse (which is a good thing) but nothing I can find for us. We all have so much in common and could be a huge support to each other in so many ways. Has anybody come across help online or have any ideas how we could start something. My story is parts of all the stories that precede mine so I won’t go into it. I think that the most important thing is to find a way for us to support each other as we try to survive each day with a depressed spouse and also support if we need to leave. I hope we can figure something out.
Thankyou to all who have written here. I am not alone, youhave helped me see things clearer, for better @ worse.I am committed to my husband of 27 yrs.this past year has been awful, but I know now the only thing I have control of are my actionsand reactions to him.
I have been living with a spouse who is probably as depressed as one can get and it is HELL. I don’t know how much longer I can hang on. I can’t take the negativity, false accusations, rudeness, etc. that he has laid on me. I have tried everything and he has just gotten worse. I don’t envy anyone that has to go through this. He is retired and does absolutely nothing and I still work (thank the lord). If I didn’t work, I don’t think this relationship would have ever lasted. Although now it is NOT a relationship. We once were so very happy and into each other (been together for 35+ years)and now it’s totally the opposite. I, too, need help coping and don’t know where to turn. Just having someone to talk to would help.
For Allie and the rest of you…. Allie, when I read your comments, I sat here in disbelief. It was so good to hear that i am not the only one this happens too. My boyfriend/partner suffers with terrible depression and delusional thinking. These delusions make him believe that I am doing unthinkable things behind his back (cheating ect.)As a result, he blames me for his depressive episodes, which are becoming more the norm than the exception. When would i cheat??? is what i ask, I am so bloody busy worrying about him and making sure he hasnt started another 3 day disappearing act drinking binge that I would never have the time or energy! I know i should leave and that i am getting as sick as he is. I used to enjoy life and now all I feel is constant fear. Is there any help out there for spouses of depressed alchoholics???
I have also been married to a depressed man for almost 20 years. He is a wonderful father, funny and very handsome but hides his problems to all except me. He has told me he has never experienced happiness that he looks for his faults in his children daily hoping that they never turn out like him. He has been to therapy and just stops when he feels better but the smallest thing can send him into his dark hole. This is very very hard on a spouse. Some days are fine and you think oh great and then he goes back to his negative depressed self. All his “stuff” stems to way back as a child. He claims to not be able to change because it has gone on so long. I know he loves me but I am so tired of the roller coaster ride I am not sure if I should hang on or get off. Will I be doing this still 40 years from now? Has anyone else felt trapped? He many times has said I am surprised you have stayed with me this long etc…All in all he is a great guy but his depression has taken its toll on me.
I know what you mean DM. I am so afraid of wakeing up one morning and realizing that 20 years or more has gone by and I am still hoping that our lives and he will get better. Reading the rest of the blogs has helped me to realize that not that many of us get much relief from this illness as long as we stay. Soooo, I guess the choice is ours. Live and accept , or move on and chose a more peaceful existence despite the pain it will cause. The pain will be mostly for us, because we have been so focused on our partners and they have focused primarily on themselves as well. I am thinking that the lonliness is starting to look better that the misery. Good luck in your choices and God bless.
I hear so much of my story in all of yours. there are no simple answers for our questions! I created a blog tonight as an effort to support myself and others better. I’ll be posting about helpful resources while trying to keep things “un-depressing”. I invite all of you to visit:
www.forstrengthtoday.blogspot.com
It breaks my heart when I read all of your comments. I only wish I had found this site a few months earlier. I lived with a man for 16 years who was depressed most of his life. He too was bi-polar. He would go through the rants and delusional accusations of me cheating of stealing his money. This was the most hurtful part of his sickness. There were so many other factors that made the situation impossible. I do understand what you have to endure.
He was on very strong pain medication for nerve damage due to a curvature of the spine. This certainly didn’t help the depression.
I spent years trying to find doctors to help with his depression, insomnia and pain. No antidepressants worked.
Any stress imagined or an exaggerated version of reality would cause him to go into the manic state where I was sometimes afraid he was going to snap and hurt me. He was not a violent man. In fact he was the most wonderful kind hearted man I have ever known.
He tried many times to get me to leave him. He told me his depression was ruining my life. He even tried to get my daughter to convince me I should leave him.
I would never have abandoned him. I loved him more than life and he knew it. I couldn’t feel anger or resentment for him, because I knew his sickness was not something he could control. He tried harder than anyone I have ever seen to get help. He ate right, exercised until he couldn’t do it anymore. Nothing worked. I watched him decline into a state that in hind sight seems like a nightmare that couldn’t possibly be real.
On May 30th, two months and 8 days ago a homicide detective came to see me where I work.
He told me B had gone to a secluded park near our home and shot himself. He died instantly.
He had a note with him that said “Suffered Enough” along with his personal information and where they could find me.
I have agonized and analyzed every detail of everything we ever did trying to figure out why he couldn’t get help.
The unfortunate thing is I know one of the reasons he wouldn’t let it go on anymore is because he knew I would never leave him and
He didn’t want me to have that life anymore.
Ladies I have to tell you, I would gladly endure the pain his depression caused me to have him back. As long as I could keep trying to get help for him I had hope that someday he would be alright. The only comfort I have is knowing he is no longer suffering and he had “Suffered Enough”. Now my real pain has begun and I’m not sure how I am going to get through it, but I know I will. I have to.
Susie: I have the same problem with my husband accusing me of cheating, or whatever it is that he imagines in his head. I also have the unfortunate experience with having to take care of a bipolar alcoholic. The truth of the matter is that no one can help them until they stop drinking to cope with their issues and start trying to be constructive. I was told by his phsychologist that he would never be able to help him unless he stopped drinking. We tried to get him to take the medications that were prescribed, but because he wasn’t allowed to drink while he was taking them, he stopped. I think the hardest thing for me is having to deal with the fact that he loves himself and alcohol more than he loves me and our son. If he got things his way, we would starve as long as he had a beer in his hand.
I have tried so many times to leave him but I love him so much. I feel that me leaving and taking our son would push him over the edge. I don’t want my son to have to grow up without his father. He is a very good dad, just not so good at the husband part. I just wanted to let you know that there are other people that are where you are standing and as long as you are strong you will get through it, with or without him.
I happened on to this website and unexpectedly started crying like a baby when I began to read the different posts - I guess I have been carrying this for a long time without realizing it. I have been married to my college sweetheart for 19 years and we have 4 terrific kids. She has suffered from depression/anxiety for a long time but during the last two years it seems to have gotten worse. It seems like she changes meds every year or two and they seem to work for a while and then ultimately lose their effectiveness. They also have severe side effects (low libido, feeling like she’s a “zombie”,etc) I’ve noticed that in the last year or so her nightly glass of wine has turned into 3 or 4 glasses. I feel sorry for myself but then feel guilty for those feelings because I know that she suffers so much more. She often talks about suicide but then says how she would never do it because of the kids. She’s been to a number of counselors and she’s come to realize that this may be as “good as it gets”. It’s been helpful reading the experiences of others and makes me realize that I need to see a counselor myself. May God bless us all.
I am a thirty-one year old female who has been married for a year and a half. Shortly after we moved into our new home last Aug, I noticed that my husband was acting differently and that he was not the same happy optimistic fun loving man that I had grown to love. Instead he was very pesimestic and got angry at every little thing. He pushed me away and rejected me emotionally and physically and even told me on many occassions that he didn’t love me. I knew that this was not normal behvior for my husband and gave him his space and after a week or a few days he would apoligise and tell me that he had everything figured out and that he was to be O.K, and that he really does love me. many nights we would get in bed and he would toss and turn and sigh with angisiety and eventually he would get up and watch TV. I often asked him what was wrong and he would say “nothing..just go to sleep..i am just frustrated” this kind of behavior went on for about eight months and then it changed a little. Instead of being cold, detached, and uncaring he started to show emotion, but not a healtyh type of emotion. He would break down crying and was completly unconsolable and I deemed at that point in time that was depressed and needed medical help. Every thing was too much trouble for him. Even the task of packing an overnight bag stressed him out. i sat him down and asked him if he was depressed and he said that he was not sure.I made an appointment to see a doctor and we went togeather. He has ben diagonosed with OCD and he also has an anxiety disorder. He has been going to therapy for about four months now and he is really responding well. they are going to start him on anti-anxiety medication and a pill for depression withing the next week. They don’t think it will be permanent and I am crossing my fingers. I love my husband with all of my heart and I hope he will make a full recovery.
I can identify with all of you who say that you feel the depressionis your fault because I too have felt that way. I know in my heart that it is not my fault but it is still hard to deal with. I don’t have any answers. All I know is that my husband needs me and I am the only one who truly knows what he is going through, and I need to be there for him. I cry a lot and I often asked God to keep me strong so that I can look after both of us. I hope that one day my husband will be health and happy and that he will respect and love me that much more because I stood by him when he needed me the most. My prayers are with all of you.
WOW, I’ve seen so many things in here that unfortunately I’m become more familiar with the past 2-3 months. I keep thinking my wife will get better but I see that this doesn’t always happen. I’ve been optimistic but, truthfully, you’ve shaken my confidence and scared me now!
I tried to leave a post once… I’ll try again. I was optimistic before but now I see that things MAY NOT GET BETTER and that scares me!
Brad, what is the story with your wife?? Please dont assume that there is no hope. We are all frustrated but I personally know other people (a close cousin) who fully recovered from their depression. My spouse is just not one of those people, although I pray that one day, he will be. I think it really depends on the individual and what they are willing to do to get there. My husband wont stick with anything and stays on the merry go round. Personally, I think he is comfortable in his role.
Depression or just plain emotional abuse,,,someone please tell me? I have posted here before describing the emotions of living with my depressed husband,,,but now some thing horrible has happened. He attempted to begin an affair with a co-worker of mine. She was appalled and promptly told me and gave me the letter he wrote to her. He told me it wouldn’t have happened except that I was not as pretty as he wished and that I had turned him down for sex one night. Which was a night he had just told me how badly I look. My husband was apologetic for being so stupid,,,,,and expects 100% forgiveness effective now. Our son’s wedding is a month from now,,,,so I stay,,,to make a good appearance and to assure money for our other children’s college expenses. Do spouses of depressed partners always put their needs on hold and care for everyone else first? Maybe it’s a trait,,,,,,,,I can’t seem to change no matter how hard it gets. I don’t think it’s healthy for me,,,,,but here
Irene your comment rings true for me. I said those exact words “emotional abuse” to my mother last year when things were really, really bad in my marriage. My husbands tactics are more about withdrawal though than insults and personal attacks. The result is the same - I’ve felt diminished self esteem and feelings of failure to name a few. I used to always put his needs before my own, sacrificing what I wanted to do or say to spare the reaction I might get. Then I found myself boiling over with resentment and anger. Since then I’ve tried to set more boundaries.
Everyone has to decide what their boundaries will be. It was hard and complicated for me to figure out but I found a good book that really guided me through. Since setting more boundaries on things like communication and sex I’ve felt alot better about myself.
What setting limits does is take the weight of my husbands decisions and actions off my shoulders. I was carrying WAY too much of that for him. And in the end everything felt like my fault. He loves having no responsibility for his actions and I was enabling him to some extent. It is so hard to watch someone you love and care about and have so much time and effort invested in make such destructive choices.
It is all so difficult and complicated. There are many who feel your pain. I wish you the best with the challenges ahead.
The book that helped me so much with boundaries is: “Lord, I believe; Help thou mine Unbelief.” by Rod W. Jeppsen
This book is written to an LDS (Mormon) audience who have loved ones with sexual addictions or compulsive sexual behaviors - but will help ANYONE who has a depressed spouse and is well worth it just for the part about boundaries. There is also a well writen ‘divorce checklist’ in this book. I refer to it often to clear my mind of the emotions and look at the facts. So far the list has kept me on track with improving what I can in my marrige and not getting a divorce.
This book has become a life saver for me in many ways. I highly recommend it. Take what applies to you and leave what doesn’t - don’t let the title scare you off
Yesterday, I dropped my partner off at the Psych ward for the third time this year. It always follows some event that he finds distressing. This time it is his children enjoying spending time with him ex-wifes new boyfriend. He says he feels replaced and not important. (its always about him).I sat in the emergency room with him all day, then had to drive him to another city since there were no beds available here. This all took about 12 hours. At the end of the day, when I had to leave he said, not thank you for driving me around and sitting in the hospital with me all day- rather it was- “go, leave me, dont come visit, I am all alone like i should be”. It was all I could do to not start singing ” poor, poor, pitiful me” to him.
A big part of me wants to do just that. Call him on his crap and not do the hour long drive and visit him every other day. Of course though, I feel much more sorry for him than I do for myself and the mess he has once again left behind for me to take care of.
I am sooooo sick of this merry go round. I dont know how to get off, guilt keeps me there.
I can relate to many stories here. My spouse of 19 years is depressed. I truly believe there’s more to his mental problems than just depression, I’m certain there’s anxiety disorders, perhaps bi-polar, I don’t know for sure and unfortunately, can’t get him to seeks enough medical attention to really find out for sure.
Two 1/2 years ago, the stress at his job started the ball rolling and it’s been “rolling down hill” since. We’l tried countless meds, regular visits to Dr. and psychiatrist and they have given up because he just won’t do what he’s been told to do. He hasn’t worked in 1 1/2 year so I’m the sole income provider in the house. We have 2 young kids, with one son with OCD and ADHD. I’ve been at the end of my rope many times but still manage to find a thread to hold onto and pull myself back up and inch or two, just to keep it together. However, lately, his constant blaming and belittlement really has started to effect me. I find myself feeling as he does. I can’t afford meds for myself and frankly too scared to try them. I have been seeing a counsellor when I can fit in it. He too “self medicates” but with marijuana so we are close to bankruptcy.
I once asked the Dr. what’s the depression and what’s just his personality? When we met, he was so caring and loving now I can barely look at him without feeling resentment, anger, pity, helpless etc. He just thinks it’s all my fault and refuses to try. He says he’s done all the changes in his life for me and I need to change for him. I know that’s not true, but sometimes really hard not to believe. I’m grateful I work with some wonderful people, who constantly give me words of encouragement and praise.
This life style is preventing my kids from having a normal, balanced life. Mom’s so busy doing everything she doesn’t have time for them and NO time for her.
This blog has helped. I understand I need to stop enabling and not let it bother me when he lashes out for not “doing it his way”.
I will book mark this site and read regularly - thanks for sharing. First time I’ve actually heard of someone I can totally relate to.
I can relate to so many of these posts and feel everyone’s pain. I,too, have a spouse that is severely depressed. It is so difficult to live with someone who one day tells you that you are the source of all his unhappiness and then later cries in the middle of the night and apologizes and tells you to “Save yourself and the kids and leave me.” He has tried to commit suicide twice in the past six months but we have never been able to convince the police that he is a threat to himself because he talks them into believing that it is all a misunderstanding so they don’t take him. I feel so responsible for him and I know his entire family will blame me if he does hurt himself. We have three kids and I really feel guilty about even contemplating leaving him since he’s always been there for us. He hasn’t been able to work for the past six months but he refuses to change his lavish lifestyle and he seems to think the mortgage and all the bills will pay themselves. I have left with the kids three times in the past three months but each time we came back because he begged and agreed to go inpatient but then he changes his mind once we are back. He has been through two psychiatrists, and countless medications, and both have given up on him and say he needs to be admitted because he is treatment resistant. He drinks and self medicates himself and can’t seem to go a day without either a drink or his medical marijuana. It is so hard to watch someone self-destruct right before your eyes. My head tells me I need to leave the situation but I keep thinking that we should try all treatment options-even if all we seem to have right now is going inpatient at the hospital to treat the depression and addiction problems. Has anyone’s spouse been admitted to the psych unit and did it help or hurt the situation? Good luck everyone.
One of the things that’s so frustrating about living with a depressed spouse is that they are SO manipulative. When my wife is depressed (which seems to be about half the time, these days), she manages to cleverly present everything so that it is all my fault.
Intellectually, I KNOW I did not create her unhappiness. (After all, I may not be a perfect person, but I’m a decent human being.) But emotionally, it’s easy to “push the buttons” of someone who you know very well — which is what my wife does to me.
I’ve threatened to leave on several occasions, and — to tell the truth — it’s been money that’s kept me in the relationship. I know what divorce does to a couple financially, and am afraid to face it.
Does that make me selfish? A coward? Lazy? In some small way, yes. But as some of the other people have said, you only have one life to live. How long do you let someone drag you down?
My wife isn’t a bad person. She’s intelligent, funny, can be very compassionate, and [used to be] quite sexy. But ALL of that goes out the window when she’s depressed. Then, she’s angry, negative, extremely cruel (mostly to me), and draining to be around.
The problem is, that even though we can say “that’s not them, it’s just the depression,” it doesn’t make it any easier. It doesn’t matter to me that it’s simply her brain chemistry, when she’s screaming at me how I’ve ruined her life, and throwing things at me.
My wife says, “you don’t know how I feel.” That’s true. But I know how she acts — and that’s all I have to judge by. She would NEVER stand for me saying to her some of the horrible things she’s said to me.
On of the toughest things to take is that I’M the one who supports her through everything she’s gone through, yet I’m the one she takes everything out on.
On more than one occasion, I’ve told her: “You can have me be supporting and loving, or you can take things out on my like I’m your emotional punching bag. But you CAN’T have both at the same time.” (She never understands this when she’s depressed.)
So how do we deal with this? I’ve been supportive for more than 10 years. She’s tried medication — I’ll give her that — but refuses therapy. In my opinion, you have to do both. And even then, it’s a hard road.
There is no easy answer. And I know that I CAN continue to take it. The question is: Do I want to?
Thanks for listening . . .
I am wondering if anyone has this issue…my spouse is depressed, always has been, but never saw a doctor about it. He had a melt down about two months ago, and I was told to take him to the ER. He got out of control and smashed the kitchen table when asked to turn the TV volume down. My sons restrained him. It turns out he was drinking quite a bit and self medicating with street drugs. Ironically, he has never been without a job and continues to be a responsible person (outside of home), but I am so tired. So tired of caring for him. He gambles obsessively on the internet, but again, he is responsible about it . He nevers used out money, just his winnings. After reading the posts, I realized I wasn’t the only one happy that sometimes he isn’t here when I get home. I have to brace myself when he is here as I don’t know if I will set him off. He has stopped drinking, taking illegal drugs, and is getting meds and therapy, but I don’t trust him. I am afraid to talk to him as I feel like I will be rebuffed and emotionally hurt over and over again. How do you trust again? I have been married for nearly 24 years, and I am not sure if I can continue, but then I ask myself if it were cancer or a physical illness, would I give up? No, I wouldn’t. In addition, his family have basically written him off, so the burden of support is on me. I don’t want the job anymore.
Karen, just wanted to say that it appears your husband is actively making his choices. By choosing different behaviour in different circumstances (work, gambling ect.) he is showing that he is able to behave in certain manners but for some reason chooses not to maintain that standard at home. Probably, because at work they would tell him to hit the bricks if he acted that way. People behave in ways they are allowed. By staying with him all this time, you are allowing it. Sorry, i do the same thing!
WOW! I really didn’t know that there were this many people who felt like me. My husband has been depressed forever. I was so young when we got together. Then we had a child. I have always been a caretaker and now for the last 6 years a nurse. My husband becomes distant, mean, angry, hurtful, and blames me and now is beginning to blame my children. He can’t take any stress–always yelling and blaming. He has even pushed our 14 year old son. But my son does have an attitude. I am a referee (not spelled right, sorry) in our home and am constantly worried. He has threatened to leave and has before. He used to be on medications but was diagnosed with sleep apnea and is using a cpap. Things were okay for a while, but now I believe it is worse. Walking on eggshells is how we are living our lives. This is evil of me but sometimes I wish that he would die so I don’t have to live with the stress and can be a better mom to my kids. He tells me I’m too easy on them and so he has to be harder. They listen to me and respect me; he doesn’t see how much damage he is doing to them. What kind of damage am I doing by staying with him to them?!? Would they be better without him? What about my faith? How can I teach my children to be Christians if I can’t uphold the basic commandments? But what kind of emotional and mental anguish are they going through by being exposed to this. He acts like a child–everything has to be his way. I want him to get back on medication and try to get help but he denies any problems and tells us it is us! I am so lost, so scared, so worried, just so confused. I am a very private person and I don’t think anyone knows the pain and anguish I am in! I pray daily for courage, mentally strong, and faith. How do you know it is depression or emotional support? Any suggestions or advice would help. I am just so confused and not sure how much more I can handle!
I have to agree with Sue. I do the same thing (enabling). Maybe if we all stopped allowing the crappy behaviour and making excuses for it, they would realize they need to do something FOR THEMSELVES and make a change and get some help. If a person can choose different behaviours in different situations, I would say they are at least somewhat in control and CHOOSE not to behave well at home. That is because unlike their boss or friends, we tolerate it. I wonder what would happen if we didnt? I will keep you posted, because the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over agian, and expecting a different result. Im not doing this dance any more.
Mary…I have posed the same question to myself for 3 years now, Do I stay because my son needs his father? Or do I leave because his father is not a father at all, just another child that I have to take care of? I have been isolated from my friends and family since the day that he fou