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"My boyfriend suffers from depression and started taking medication last Oct. after a suicide attempt. He has recently been trying to write his dissertation for uni, but couldn't do it properly and is back to being very sad again. He takes some of his anger out on me and I'm finding it very hard to stay calm and loving with him. We live far apart and I have to try and hide telephone conversations with him from family and friends because neither of us really want people to know what he's going through. I don't know what to do when we have had a row because I'm scared of what he might do to himself but I can't just sit and put up with his behaviour. I know he doesn't mean to upset me but if for example he accuses me of being with another bloke because I don't answer my phone I can't just take it because he might kill himself if we have a row. I don't know who to talk to about this or what to do to help him, any advice?"--mushroom2

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April 17, 2006 at 3:53 pm
(1) kiri99 says:

Hi mushroom2, my boyfriend is suffering from a similar problem at the moment, but he’s refusing medication and turning to drink, we argue badly and regularly, our last one was one of our worst, he nearly ended up in hospital because he had a fit at his parents house and started running around shouting my name at 5.15am, he doesnt even remember doing it. we’ve both sat down and had a talk about it and we’ve both started seeing councillors and i’ve recently been signed off from work with stress. he is slowly starting to make improvements, have you talked to him about you being afraid that he might kill himself if you do argue? you just have to try and be strong and supportive as i’m sure you are and to try and remember the good times and how much you like him.
I hope just knowing you’re not alone helps
xXx

April 20, 2006 at 12:32 pm
(2) PAPAJOE says:

Dear mushroom2,

Since you used the word, “bloke”, I assume that you live in the UK. This isn’t a good place to have “Major Depressive Disorder” because the NHS doesn’t recognize it as an illness, believing it to be within the parameters of normal behavior. Consequently, your boyfriend is probably not getting proper medication.

In the US, where the illness is recognized as an illness, the medication therapy is well-known and complex. If your boyfriend is depressed only, without ever demonstrating any evidence of “mania”, that is, unreasonable behavior invoving buying lots of useless stuff, or believing himself to be supremely powerful, creative, insightful etc, then he is probably a unipolar depressive, a condition that is most effectively treated with meds called Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors, (such as Prozac, Zoloft, and Paxil [paroxetine],Celexa, Lexapro), as they are called in the States), or Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors / Selective Norepinephrine Reuptake Inhibitors, (Effexor and Cymbalta, in the States).

A benzodiazepine like xanax (alprazolam) or klonopin (clonezepam) could be added for anxietyand stress. And another benzo, temazapam, for sleep, if necessary.

I should add the caveat, “I am not a doctor, but I play one on TV.” (That’s a States’ joke in case it doesn’t play in the UK.)

Which leads to my final and most important point, your boyfriend has to see a psychiatrist, (not a psychologist or a social worker) who specializes in mood disorders. Only those individuals are suffieciently well-versed in the treatment of depression to manage meds appropriately. And sometimes not even them. A good depressive & bipolar shrink is rarer than a clam in an oyster.

If your boyfriend is bi-polar or has “mixed-state” bipolarity, the treatment become very subtle and complex, invoving taking as many as ten(!!!) psychoactive drugs at one time, although this is rare.

You seem to want to continue the relationship, and your boyfriend’s behavior is inappropriate coping behavior that he uses to get him through his abysmally depressed day. If properly medicated, those episodes that you hate will go away, and he will return to his own sweet self, or whatever.

[Just to establish my bona fides, I am a 59 year old man who had Major Depressive Disorder all his life, diagnosed in the ’70s but untreatable until the SSRIs arrived in the ’90s. When I told my shrink on my first office visit, (after having been unmoderated since the ’70s because the meds then available where useless), that I was going to commmit suicide, he immediately put me on Paxil and ramped it up to an extremely high dosage, at which point it worked(!) to my utter astonishment. Moreover it continued to work from 1995 to today. In 2000, I DC’d it because I thought that my brain chemicals had become properly regulated as a result of my long-term med therapy and stopped taking it. Six weeks later I was back in the “slough of depond”. I immediately started taking it again and six weeks later I was back to “normal”.
I tell this story to everyone I can to give them hope, although, admittedly, successes as dramatic as this are rare, and sometimes Paxil, too, is ineffective. Every metabolism is different.

The last therapy, after you have exhaused all others is Electro-
Convulsive Therapy (ECT). It has the highest percentage success rate of any treatment for depression but frequently results in short-term memory loss.

Sorry if this post is “carrying coal to Newcastle”, but I wanted you to have the information that I have gathered as a peer of your boyfriend.

This forum seems to discourage posting one’s email address, but if you want it, ask for it, and I will be happy to communicate with you my empirical experience.

Good Luck!

Cordially,
PAPAJOE

September 6, 2011 at 7:53 pm
(3) standup says:

My boyfriend is very moody. He gets into extremely depressing moods and gets to infuriated by my very existence yet I don’t do anything. When I get him into a decent mood, once I come home from work it is like it is reset and I have to try (very very very hard) to get him to even hug me. He gets mad at every little thing and cries. He says he’s obsessed with any guys in my past (not many for that matter) but i believe it is just something he can pin point his mood on. Everything else in our lives is perfect. He has no reason to be so upset. He goes to a good school, works for the school, and I am (not perfect) but a great and understanding girlfriend. we are best friends. I am worried so much for our relationship and for him. I’m afraid if I told him we should go get him some medication for depression or counseling that he would just get angry. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I’m not too sure how much longer I can take the angry, depressing moods and the mistreatment as a result of those moods. When he isn’t in a mood, he is the best. We’ve been together for a year and half and I just want him to be happy again like before. How do you suggest going about approaching the idea of getting some help for him?

November 22, 2011 at 9:27 am
(4) needhelp says:

Your boyfriend sounds exactly like my boyfriend. He is also extremely moody. I remember going out to meet up with a friends and he was calling and text me every few minutes because he wanted to know who I was hanging out with; I didn’t realize that he was texting/calling me until I was leaving the bar. By then he completely freaked out and assumed that I was meeting up with guys and drinking etc. I didn’t know what say or how to react to that. I just told him I was sorry and that I should have told him where I was at and been more clear who I was hanging out with. He goes through these mood swings every few weeks. When he’s happy, we’re happy. But when he’s sad, we can go a week without really talking. I try to be really understanding during those times. I cook for him, get him his favorite food to eat, and surprise him with small gifts. But I don’t know how much of this I can take. Sometimes, I cry myself to sleep because I have no one to talk to about this and he is completely dragging me down and making me depressed. He is seeing a shrink for this. I honestly don’t know if it is helping. But at least he’s trying to deal with it. I think that first step is to get him to admit he has a problem and telling him to see a psychiatrist for it.

April 23, 2006 at 1:31 pm
(5) jonny says:

I have to tell you I was into an alike trouble, I was depressed, well since I was a child I`ve had depression problems, when my boyfriend tried to help me I didn`t regret him `cause, he really supported me…..
your boyfriend needs to feel he`s the only one in your life, he needs to feel someone really loves him, someone really takes care of him, that`s what I needed, that`s my advise

April 24, 2006 at 9:11 pm
(6) babygirl says:

hey mushroom2
I am in high school and we had prom two nights ago and my friend gets so depressed that she thinks she has to drink and do drugs to make herself feel beeter and well on prom night she was found in an ally she had od-ed and was raped not only that she was basicly dead think god that someone found her and took her to the er and the relived her and she is now in a mental hospitol and we can even see her how do u deal with this i just cant stand to think that she is this depressed and it is hurting her, our friends, me and our friendship and i dont know what to do

April 29, 2006 at 11:03 am
(7) Jang says:

Hi mushroom
I read your story and I am going through the same myself with my husband. It is like treading on eggshells, trying to keep positive but sometimes just wanting to shout ‘get your act together’ when I know he can’t. He has taken 2 overdoses in the past 11 weeks. The first I caught him, the second he waited until I was away, but a friend came round and each time he woke up in hospital and was pretty angry with us. Sometimes I feel like I should have let him get on with it – terrible as it sounds.

I showed him an article on depression and he could see that he had all the symptoms – weight loss, paranoia, zero patience, temper explosions, lethargy and not wanting to get out of bed, sense of worthlessness. He was brave enough to go to the Psychiatric Hospital to seek help, but the medication is expensive, which is depressing him again. I hope we will break out of this cycle.

I wish you luck with your boyfriend.

Jang

June 13, 2007 at 1:03 pm
(8) Amnesty says:

I know how this goes, both me and my boyfriend have depression. I am treated, he isn’t diagnosed. I want to help him but he pushes me away. I don’t want to make him feel worthless by telling him I know there’s something wrong. Just show as much support as you can, but if it’s gotten as far a suiside, you need to do alot more then just support him, he needs some help, NOW.

June 30, 2007 at 11:06 am
(9) Marie says:

I think my boyfriend / ex is suffering from depression. Out of the blue almost two weeks ago he called my new apartment a dump and then left without finishing helping me move. Later that evening he accused me of lying for 30 minutes because i failed to mention a male friend’s name who was meeting me and my other friend for lunch. Three days later when i was on my way to his place because we had plans, he was actually sleeping at 4 in the afternoon. He hadn’t showered or worked out and kept being wishy-washy about our plans. When we went shoppping he got upset so much at me for something so small he tried to kick me out of his car in a Target parking lot at 10pm while cursing and saying mean things. I had to beg and plead him not to leave me.

A few days later while i was at a karoke bar with my friends he broke up with me over the phone. Me and my friends were completely confused as to what just happened and they wondered what was so bad to him that he would end the relationship. Two days later a mutual friend of ours called him and he said he was depressed and confused. Two days after that he called me and said I broke up with HIM! I communicated to him exactly what was said between us. When I realized there was a big miscommunicaton, for some reason, he didn’t just get over it. We established a good conversation though and he said he’d call me the next day. The next day, he called and we had a good conversation then out of the blue he says “well if you didn’t break up with me two days before my birthday” and I said “I did not break up with you” and he says “yeah whatever.”

Everyone I’ve talked to says he is depressed and is taking it out on me. In the past 1 1/2 weeks he has lashed out on me for tons of little things besides what was mentioned. They all tell me, I just have to give him time, but if he doesn’t come around in 2-3 weeks then I should let him go for good.

I love him and he’s told me he loves me so much. Now that I am realizing he’s suffering from depression, I want to support him and am reading articles on what to do to help. It’s really hard because I know I’ll be hurt if he said something mean to me and don’t want him to think this type of behavior is acceptable. He’s normally the most loving, caring man I’ve been with so this depression thing confuses me a lot.

I have noticed lately he’s been working 14 hour days Fri, Sat and Sundays, sleeping more than 12 hours, not exercising like he normally does, gets up, eats and then goes back to sleep till the late afternoon and mainly lashing out at me out of the blue. Since our weird break up, he spend 4 days not working, spent his birthday alone and hasn’t even told any of his friends or family about our break up.

October 22, 2011 at 2:53 pm
(10) pamela says:

I am reading what girlfriends or spouses of depressed people go thru and I feel like you all have been sitting in my livingroom watching me & my boyfriend. He’s depressed. He abuses oxycontin. He is so apathetic most of the time. He’s not mean about it but he lacks ANY insight of how his lack of concern for me makes me feel. He has no sex drive. Swears up and down that he’s not doing it with anyone else and blames the oxys and then blames ‘just not feeling like doing it’. He’s gone back to his parents. Told me he needs some space for awhile. I offered to break it off with him… let’s see different people maybe that’s where the problem lies but he says “F**K that!”. I ask him how much time do I gotta wait… he says he doesn’t know. I’m so sad. I cry a lot.. Think i’m becoming depressed myself.

The day I was to move my furniture from the small apt to here he was out of oxy and said I’m too sick to move you. I know nobody here in this city but my ex’es son worked at a place here in town (he lives 1 1/2 hrs away) came to help me. When my boyfriend finally came around to say late that evening he’d help me most of it was done and he was so mad! Freaked out that I spent most of the day with some guy. Mood swings are crazy!

I love him so much tho I want to be supportive and I want to be part of his live cause I know how beautiful of a spirit he really has under all this mess. Nobody…. nobody has a bigger heart than this man.

Any words of wisdom or advice would be appreciated.

December 26, 2007 at 2:42 pm
(11) Megan, 16. says:

Hi, I’m 16 years old and my boyfriend is 17. He suffers from seasonal depression and is not doing good right now, and I can’t seem to do something without him getting kind of angry. He can control it to an extent and he says he’s not angry, but he seems colder to me and is almost forcing a smile. Is there anything I can do to get him to be happy right now? It’s really upsetting that I am dealing with him in the best way that I can, and being so young, it’s really frustrating that I can’t be with him when he’s mad, because I need permission from me father. Should I ride it out (which isn’t for a very long time…) or tell him it’s bothering me?

January 23, 2008 at 6:00 pm
(12) Patricia says:

I am with my boyfriend for almost 4 yrs. We’re both in our 20s. I love him so much. He’s had history of drug addiction (cocaine) in the past and went to rehab for it. He’s been sober for 2 yrs now. He’s trying to quit smoking and still smoking weed, we both smoke it. He smokes it on a regular basis and I smoke it whenever I’m around him. He doesn’t force me, I actually enjoy it but I can defnitely live without it. And he wants to quit soon.

He’s a very sweet and sensitive guy but for at least 2 weeks every year, he would get depressed. And when he’s depressed he says very hurtful things and question our relationship and would pretty much hate everything in his life. He would push me away so bad that it hurts because he’s not normally this way and for me its very frustrating and confusing. Although he knows he gets this way he can never control his temper and feeling of being worthless.

I am very surprised that I am not alone in dealing with this kind of problem. I just wish I can make my boyfriend happy because I am so tired of crying about it and just want a solution. I don’t want to leave him, I love him so much.

March 4, 2008 at 11:58 am
(13) Lucy says:

My boyfriend of almost 3 years broke up with me in late january, completely out of the blue. He was never consitent with why he did it, he pushed me away completely. We lived together so I moved out. We talked on and off, it seemed that sometimes he was very kind, sweet, caring etc, and other times he was incredibly mean and hateful. He spent all of his time drinking and staying away from home. At the begining of March he called me and asked me to come over to talk. I did so and he confessed that he felt like his head was messed up, he couldnt eat, sleep, constant stomach pain etc. He then spend the entire weekend at my home. Monday came and he was back to pushing me away. Myself and both of our families have been worried sick about him. He is afraid of getting help, he is embarassed and wants to be tough. He told me that he didn’t break up with me because he doesn’t love me, it was just that he couldn’t control his mind, things just spiraled out of control. I love him dearly and want him to get better, but I am so tired of being hurt by him pushing me away. I don’t know what to do besides try to support him.

April 5, 2008 at 8:34 pm
(14) KM says:

I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 6 years now. For the last 3 years of our relationship he has been doing cocaine. When we first met he hardly did anything. On the weekend we would go out and drink but that was it. Then he started smoking weed. He had smoked it prior to ever meeting me and weed to me is really not that bad. It’s the least of my concerns. Then he started with the coke. I had no idea. I actually had no idea for the whole first year. We didn’t live together then and I didn’t know the signs. Anyway, It’s gotten to the point where he’s doing it weekly. We do live together now and I hate it.It’s like I don’t even know him anymore. I know he is depressed, he knows he is depressed but he just won’t get any help. I’ve tried everything. I’ve tried patience, I’ve tried ultimatums…. nothing will work. I feel like if he would get on some medication for his depression than his need for cocaine would subside and we would be happy once again.But, I know I can’t make him get help.. I am at my witts end!

May 17, 2008 at 11:38 am
(15) Kimber says:

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. He’s been depressed for a year now because he never really got over what happened to his father a year ago (he was gunned down). He gained so much weight, lost his job, he doesn’t wanna see anyone, never goes out of the room except to eat, and he plays online games 24/7. I tried talking to him about getting back on his feet by stopping his obsessive online gaming, but he told me it was helping him. But months have passed, and he doesn’t seem to get better. He doesn’t want to see a shrink because he cannot afford the treatment coz he’s unemployed. I’m so tempted to tell his mother and siblings about his condition, but I’m so sure that he would take it as a betrayal.
It’s so hard to deal with him. His condition is really putting a strain in the relationship. And bad as it may sound, sometimes I feel he is holding me back. He has become a baggage in my life.
I don’t know what else I could do to help him. I feel so helpless. Whenever we fight, I would always end up understanding him. And even if what he asks from me are unreasonable, I deal with it because I try to understand his condition.
It’s just that it gets really tiring. I’m literally exhausted from dealing with him. But I want to see him get through this. I hope to see the familiar person I met two years ago, who in a matter of months slowly ebbed away from his being. Hope is the only thing I can hold on to, but if there’s anything more concrete than that, then I’d gladly welcome it.

May 20, 2008 at 10:04 am
(16) andrea monatnte says:

im too am in a relationship woth a guy that is depressed i love him so dearly and i try to be the one that he can run to when he needs help …but he just seems to run away from everything and like you said most of the time its hard to try and stay calm and loviong towards him!
hopefuly something can be done because i want a healthier relationship

July 4, 2008 at 3:19 pm
(17) shell says:

I would love to hear off anyone who has got through this…my boyfriend and i broke up last week after he started experiencing a depressive relapse (the 1st one id seen with him). We broke up as he went overnight from the most loving affectionate man to this stranger who suddenly decided i was the enemy. He said he didnt love me as much and i didnt know what to do with that. Were talking again now, and still planning to take our booked holiday together in a couple of weeks, just to see how things go. But im not convinced…one minute he’s crying over our failed relationship, the next he’s distant again.
We all seem to be experiencing similar situations, what id like to know is if anyone came out stronger at the other side??? xxx

July 22, 2008 at 9:37 am
(18) Lisa says:

I have no idea what to do with my situation either. My bf and I have been together for almost 4 years and last week he told me he isnt in love with me anymore. He has been severely depressed for almost a year and Im convinced thats the underlying problem. He left me back in Nov and we got back together in Jan…then again here we are. His issues were never resolved so thats why I feel they crept back up and we are where we are now. He doesnt have a job, no insurance, no car, he wont be able to start school next month like he wanted, his grandmother has been very very ill..all these things have him really sad. Just 2 weeks ago, he told me that I wasnt the problem and how much he appreciates my love and that I have nothing to worry about..that we were going to be ok. Now this. I am so completely heartbroke. Please someone help me figure out what to do. I cry nonstop and cant get over it. All I want is to be back with him.

August 18, 2008 at 5:43 pm
(19) Nala says:

I thought I was the only one dealing with this. I know for a fact my boyfriend is depressed, especially since he joined the navy. We were together for four and a half years, we were living together, then he moved away and months later I moved for 2 months to be with him. I was working, getting ready to officially moved. When he came back home, he and I talked on the phone for the first week, then he stopped calling and actually was ignoring. Then I called and left a message. The next day, I checked my email and he dumped me, just like that. The email did not say “I am breaking up with you b/c…”. Rather, it was a message saying: I don’t know where I’ll be…I will always love you… we have grown apart. I am pissed, at the same time, I want to be with him. I battle depression too, that is why I know the symptoms. The only difference is the men are more agressive, they lash out b/c that behaviour is more acceptable than crying and admitting they are depressed. It will be a month since I spoke to him. As a matter of fact, a month on my birthday. It bothers me that our relationship meant so little to him that he could let me go after so long, after being supportive and faithful when he went away for months of training. He told me he wanted to marry me, we spoke about kids, we graduated university just recently. This time is very difficult, being in our mid-twenties, trying to start our lives but this shoould be the time to work together, think about our future. I mean, why would I wait for him for the past 2 1/2 years (in the summer he went away to train for 2 months) if I was not committed, if I didn’t want to be with him. He wrote: That being with him will make me miserable b/c he is so miserable. Right now, I want an answer, I want him to get on a plane (we are on opposite sides of the country) and tell me to my face that he does not want me in any shape or form. Maybe I am in denial but I think he still loves me and wants to be with me but can’t figure out how to handle his feelings. He told me he loves me, and wanted me to move out there with him and now this?

September 10, 2008 at 4:49 pm
(20) Lisa says:

Yeah thats insane. I havent heard from my bf in over a month now. No call, no email, no letter, nothing. I really think he has lost his mind. You cant tell someone all those amazing things then 13 days later change your mind and say you arent in love..thats why I think he is just really confused/depressed. I dont understand it. What is so bad is that there is NOTHING in this world I can do. Im forced to let go. The ball is in his court now, Im actually afraid of him now because even if he comes back at some point, how can I trust he wont do this again?? Scary. Sorry all of you are dealing with this too. I know its really bad. Its been a devastating emotional ride.

September 30, 2008 at 7:50 pm
(21) debbie says:

Hello, I’m kind of going threw the same things, i lived with my boyfriend for 8 yrs, and hwe came down with cancer, we lost every thing, and me and my kids had to find a place to live while he went to live with his mother. He is better with the cancer, but now has liver damage, and hep c, now we are going thre that. but the mood swings are so bad, and the first person he jumps at it me. I want him to come live with me, where at least he would have a life and i would make hi face the world not jut pop pills all day and lay around.. any suggestion, i feel like i’m losing my mind. help

October 3, 2008 at 3:11 pm
(22) Rose says:

wow…i can relate the most to lisa and lucy.

my boyfriend/ex broke up with me almost 2 months ago, which was completely out of the blue…saying that he doesn’t love me anymore. but we, too, were planning on getting engaged and moving in together only the week before…

a couple of weeks before that, his mom was diagnosed with breast cancer…and he’s never been able to express feelings or emotions. i’m almost positive that his mom getting sick is what pushed him over the edge. he also broke up with me on the computer, but i made him call me to finish it on the phone…and he was crying (hard), saying that he’s lonely, he’s unhappy, and doesn’t know how to fix it. a few weeks later, we talked, and he said he didn’t want my help, i was smothering him, etc.

i’m still really, really close with his family, but he avoids me and refuses contact with me at all costs. i’m a psych major(almost done), and have dealt with depression before, so i’m almost certain that’s what the problem is. he resents me for being a psych major, saying that i’m always trying to analyze him, but that’s not true.

i don’t know what would make him get help…he’s trying to pretend that nothing’s wrong and everything is fine now that i’m gone…but his family knows better. do you think someone in his family could get him to seek help? i’m so miserable, because i love him more than anything or anyone else in the world…i need this to change!

October 22, 2008 at 12:43 am
(23) Ray says:

I started to see LSC, and will see M.D. next week because my body can’t take anymore to go though break up. My boyfriend (2 years and 2 months) dumped me out of blue a month ago. He is under care of M.D. since early this year, and taking RX also. Time by time, he controlled his anger better than before, and showing less anxiety. But he has been experiencing a lot more than I realized. He has been suffering depression constantly, and didn’t want to talk to me what going on.
When he broke up with me, I wouldn’t want to talk to him anymore. Because it was so hard to believe that the person who gently rubbed my body 5 minutes ago ended our relationship 10 minutes later. He didn’t give me enough reason of break up, so I have started to blame myself so much since this day.
A week after broke up, I felt serious anxiety. So, I initiated to contact with him if he can share his RX. I previously called my heath care provider to get help, but only they told me was I have be ER. Fortunately, he did. Then, I realized that I need to get medical help to go through this. Last week, I had second counseling session with LSW. As a result, I decided ask my ex to give me more detail of break up. I wrote 10 to 15 questions, and left him a message to call me back because I need to have serious talk if he cares about me. He called me back, and he kindly spared his time to answer my questions. Unlike the day he broke up with me, he calmly, and clearly explained why he did. He said that one thing to blame is unbalance of brain chemistry, and he is unable to manage anything other than himself. He is not sure if he can recover from depression. He has been going through a lot including his family member’s serious illness. He asked me if I possibly become his close friend. I have strong denial to be his friend. However, after 2nd day of interview, I realized that a relationship doesn’t give him any benefit. So, I accepted. I told him that I am Okay to be his friend after few days. I deeply love him, and so painful to be his friend. But losing him from my life will be tremendous torture.

April 8, 2009 at 4:31 pm
(24) sadone says:

my boyfriend is a pot smoker and he’s always anger. me and him argue a lot because he rather deal with his family and be there crutch then be there to support me and his kids. me and him when where together all we do is sleep all day and be depressed when his gone i feel relived so why do i keep letting him back?

May 1, 2009 at 3:03 pm
(25) Hannah says:

I thought I was the only one going through this.
My boyfriend suffers from depression he was diagnosed when he was just 14. Now were both 16 and have been going out for just over a year. He refused to continue to take his medication and just got angry any time i would bring it up. I love him but i don’t know how to help him when he gets in his ‘swings’ of depression, he’ll get in them randomly and be depressed for up to a month. He’ll blank me or be really cold and off with me. He’ll get really paranoid and accuse me of not wanting to be with him or wanting to be with another guy. He breaks and smashes and furnature thats around. He crys alot and he hurts himself often with knives. He once tried to kill himself. I can’t talk to him about it because he gets mad and then just repetedly apologises for what he does even though i know it’s not his fault. He said that when he was diagnosed with depression he developed a fear of intimacey around about the same time so we’ve never done anything but kiss which makes me sad and feel like he doesnt want me especially as he’s had sex with other women. He’s scared of telling anyone about his condition because he’s scared of what people will think or do, his parents don’t even know, this means that I have no-one to talk to about it because I know he’ll get really mad if i tell anyone. Please can someone help me, I don’t know how to comfort him or anything . He means the world to me I just don’t want to lose him.

June 16, 2009 at 9:49 pm
(26) Sukey says:

It’s crazy to think there are so many people in this world but so many of us are lonely… I too have a depressed boyfriend. We have been off and on for two years (b/c of his moodiness) When he is in a good mental state, we have such a wonderful relationship, but then if he is stressed out about anything he just changes into a cold hearted unaffectionate uninterested boyfriend. It’s terrible. He smokes pot morning, noon and night and drinks almost everyday. Sometimes his moods are so bad i would rather him have a couple drinks because he is more pleasant. It is really sad. I don;t know how to help him. He is negative, and never has anything nice to say. He is so hard on himself. And he doesnt want help. Should I leave him again????

July 26, 2009 at 12:19 am
(27) kerri says:

i’m 17 and my boyfriends 20, at first he was extremely happy and never seemed to be upset, as time went on he began to get depressed and upset over the most meaningless things, or things that if he actually did something, the situations for him would change. he pushes me away so much to the point where it’s so hard to want to stay with him. i love him very much but i dont know what i can do, i cant’ even hang out with my friends or even my family without him getting mad. he wont leave his house and he hates everyone and evrything.

September 8, 2009 at 9:12 pm
(28) Shelly says:

my long distance boyfriend decided to break up with me after complaining that I did not call him for one week. Two weeks before this happened, we were making plans to get engaged in a few months and then get married. He went from being an extremely sweet caring man to someone so coldhearted and distant. He cried so much when he ended things and I cried along with him, his reason for breaking up was “I lost passion for this relationship, I dont know why, I dont feel anything anymore”. Out of desperation and in tears, of course I asked him to give me a logical reason as we were happy to plan our engagement and now he tells me he doesnt want me anymore. I then found out he had tried to commit suicide the week I did not call him and this completely changed his life.

He’s in a different country from mine so of course this makes it even harder for me, I cried sooo much over this because I was sooo heartbroken until I went on the internet and researched depression in men. For all of you out there dealing with this, if you really love your significant other that is depressed, just stick by them. My boyfriend chose to seek counseling and he’s on medication for his depression. I do not know how long it will take for it to work so that he can snap out of it, but for now he does not want me in his life as a girlfriend and wants me to be his friend. Its extremely painful to accept this but because I love him so much and I have knowledge of depression through 5 years of college as a Psyc major, I decided to be his friend until he snaps out of it.

Reality is, if your boyfriend was a sweet person one week/day ago and all of a sudden he broke up with you, its the depression. They feel numb and cannot even deal with themselves, so all there is to do is to just stand by them as they feel better. If you become frustrated and leave them, sooner or later they will snap out of this depression and will remember that you left them alone when they needed you the most. My boyfriend asked for some time without communication from me and I am allowing him to have that, hopefully he will call you soon. I have my deadline until the end of this week, if I dont hear from him, I will call him. Has anyone gone through this and has a successful ending?

October 15, 2011 at 1:34 pm
(29) McDonald to Be says:

I am in the same type of Shelley and Rachel.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am now facing the problem with my long distance fiance after he came back his country from visited me in June 2011 after two weeks he got back home he was snapped at me a lot and sometime get angry with just a little thing very quick. Our relationship still keep goes on till now but from day to day he get more and more angry, snappy and unhappy with me and he always put our relationship in the thin line of being go back to be single. As now i am in a plan to visit him around this Christmas time i really worry of everything is going to be happen between us. After our call tonight when suddenly he hang up my call and start to feel unhappy and annoy from me again then he keep talking the same thing about our relationship not going to be last together with our marriage plan next year. i just realize that he must be has something wrong with his mind as i’ve been with him in person while he’s visiting me he’s a very sweet, caring and loving man that i never know that he get into a depression person. I don’t like to go out with friend beside work he keep himself with the game and talk to me on the phone but just this few weeks he said he felt annoy from talking on the phone. i love him so very much and i never want to lose him by his mood even sometime his words could hurt me so bad by his depression. i really want to keep this relationship last long with him…any good idea about this?

September 30, 2009 at 5:49 pm
(30) Rachel says:

Shelley-

I know what you are going through because I am in a similar situation with my recent ex. It was also a long distance relationship and he lives in another country.

It was a great relationship- amazing, magical. He was loving, warm, affectionate. We were planning our next trips to see each other and were both so excited about it. For the last 5 weeks of our relationship, I noticed him spiral down though. He couldn’t handle stress at work, was always down (sometime scarily so), drank much more, wasn’t sleeping, and who knows what else. You can only see so much when you are not physically there.

Anyway, he one day sent me an email saying that he didn’t expect me to stand by him while he went through this and that he needed to get his head right. He wasn’t emotionally/mentally able to handle a relationship and didn’t want to hurt me by dragging me into this.

I can’t tell you what the outcome will be because it;s only been 3 weeks. It’s devastating I know. It came as quite a shock. I just spoke to him a couple of days ago and he says he still loves and misses me but can’t have a relationship with me if he can’t have one with himself. He felt like he was constantly letting me down (which he wasn’t) and that he’s not a good person (which is so not true). He’s going back to therapy, which is great, but he has to pay for it out of pocket right now so he can’t afford many sessions.

I really don’t have hope of getting back together. He’s really adamant about his decision. It’s so much easier to handle a break-up when a relationship is disintegrating. But a sudden end like this is traumatic.

We need to work on ourselves and let them work on them. I’m very calm when writing this, but believe me, I have my breakdowns. Depression hits everyone differently and there’s no saying what will happen. I hope you are doing well. Let me know if you have an update.

October 3, 2009 at 7:00 am
(31) Sarah says:

I am going through the same thing. My boyfriend of 16months has just broken up with me because he said he has issues that he needs to deal with and can’t be in a relationship while he does it. He’s gone to see a Dr who said to go back in two weeks and has referred him to a consellor.
We’ve been friends for 4years and he always used to come to me and talk about things, he said I was easy to talk to and was good at listening, but this time he’s pushed me away and is spending time with his friends instead.

I feel so helpless, I told him I love him and will wait for him and will be here as and when he needs me but he hasn’t spoken to me for a few days now. I’m phone watching in case he calls but somethings telling me he won’t.

I desperately want to believe that he will be willing to get back with me once he is on some sort of medication and is feeling better but how long do you hold onto that thought for. I’m not sure I can go back to just being his friend after everything I still love him and want to be his girlfriend, in my opinion he is the one I would happily spend my life with, complete with the ups and downs of his depression. He’s told me similar when we were together, that I am the one and he’s always loved me from 4years ago.

Lately over the last week or two he said we’ve been fighting too much and he’s focussing on all the bad moments in our relationship making it sound awful, which is isn’t. I hope to god this is the depression talking, but how do you ever truly know?

October 5, 2009 at 1:57 am
(32) Briana says:

I empathize with you Patricia, my boyfriend is almost always depressed and I all I truly want is to make him happy. I don’t want to use his problems as an excuse to leave him because we have a great relationship when he’s not so sad and self critical.It’s so confusing when I try to kiss him because I don’t know if he’s uninterested in me as a person or he’s in one of his moods again. He rants really loudly at me about how much his life sucks and its starting to affect me. I want to be the ray of sunshine that chases his clouds away(as cliche’ as it may sound) but all he sees is his own faults,misfortunes,pain,and issues. It’s like he’s not here even when we are sitting in the same room together. I wish I could get advice from someone about how to deal with him and possibly make his life a little less gloomy.

October 26, 2009 at 5:16 pm
(33) Ty says:

When I googled what I did, I never expected to stumble upon this… My boyfriend and I have been together for more than a year and we have always been so close and had such fun together. About 3 months ago I found out we were gonna have a baby but I miscarried and my doctor asked him not to leave me alone with all of the things my body was goin thru, so he stayed home with me without question and upon returning to work he was informed ge was being let go. We have lived together for about 6 months and I agreed that if he’d do the bulk of the household chores, I’d deal with paying the bills. That lasted for oooo… a week. He’s now sleeping all day and staying awake all night, opposite from my schedule. He’s hateful and angry with me for no reason. He talks down to me and says mean things and has no remorse, he acts like I’m the one ho should be sorry. I’ve been diagnosed with depression and am able to control it and in a way can recognize symptoms belonging to other people. He’s depressed. I’m on the verge of kicking him out on his ass until he realizes what he has to do. The last thing I am is a “stupid bitch” but I am so madly in love with him and hate seeing him do this. But I’m completely at a loss for what I should do. It’s just nice to know I’m not alone…

November 2, 2009 at 11:53 am
(34) Erin says:

Well me and my boyfriend have been on a ‘break’ for three weeks now. We got back to uni and things weren’t right, he wouldn’t sit on the same sofa as me, he was being uncharacteristically mean, he would fall asleep with his back to me…one morning I couldn’t handle it so I broke down saying there’s something wrong with him and I don’t know why he’s acting this way. He agreed and said he needed time to sort his head out to figure out whats wrong, we were still together for a week then he decided a break was in order. He said he was doubting a lot of things in his life at the moment, not just our relationship, and that it wasn’t fair on me to have to put up with him being distant while he sorts it out. Its been three weeks and I’ve found it really difficult. I’ve been searching forums to see about how other people are coping with being on a break, and its only today I decided to Google my boyfriend being depressed. After reading these comments I really think this is the case and I just dont know what to do. Everyone is telling me he’s being unfair to me leaving me in limbo like this but I know hes battling something much deeper at the moment, and I just want him to let me support him instead of pushing me away. He won’t talk to anyone about it and I really want to suggest counselling but his exuse will be that he doesn’t know how he feels so what would he have to tell a counsellor. We are only 21 and he’s very stubborn, I think he would find it very difficult to admit he needs help. I’m at a loss of what to do.

November 27, 2009 at 7:57 pm
(35) Marie says:

Hi,

I am 22 years old and my boyfriend and I recently decided to break up (although, I feel it’s more like a break). He’s extremely depressed and has pushed me away. He won’t tell me what’s wrong and all I want to do is be there for him. He has decided to go get help so he can figure out how to deal with stuff. He went through some rough patches during his younger years and never seeked helped and now I feel like it’s all catching up with him, but I really have no idea.

I love him to death and I miss my boyfriend. He has been so withdrawn which would make me upset because I have no idea what’s going on and then we end up fighting. I don’t know what to do….do I move on and forget him or do I stick it out, hoping he will come through?

December 3, 2009 at 8:54 pm
(36) Caro says:

Hi girls!
Im sharing a similar experience as most of you. My boyfriend is bipolar, but he is goin through a depression phase. He has broken up with me three times in a month, and has asked me to leave him be. I believe that during those times, we need to be patient and respect their decisions. They are in a phase where their emotions are on hold. They can only feel immense pain, or they cant feel at all…Hence the reason why they get confused about life. everything becomes a failure to them, and they cant seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel. My advise is to take care of urselves girls, because if they ever come back, you need to be strong and stable to handle someone who is fragile and is coming out of depression. Be strong.

December 15, 2009 at 9:23 am
(37) Becky says:

Hi everyone,

its made me both sad and yet relieved to read some of your posts, sad so many people are feeling the same sadness I am and relieved I am not the only one.

My boyfriend has severe depression. We have been together for a year and a half, and the last year has been awful. We both met on a gap year in China, we were both graduates from different universities at his point and had never met. (we are both english) and like many of you with your bfs/ex’s) we had an amzing, loving and happy relationship at the very beginning.

It started going downhill after a few months, with him gettin very severe rages, sometimes so bad he wouldnt rememeber what he had done. He would shout at me and scream and smash things and spit at things!

I spent a lot of the time crying as I am sensitive and someone shouting at me made me feel unloved. He would seem to have a double personality, screaming one minute and crying with remorse the next. The depression came on mildly while we were still in China. He hated his job and everyone chinese with a very fierce hatred! He would go into work and swear at our collegues( they didnt undertand as they were chinese though and had poor english speaking skills)! He had no motivation for anything, and was constantly very stressed.

It carried on like this for a while, and we moved back to the UK at the end of our gap year in August 2009. He moved to Liverpool and I moved to Leic, the different towns we were originally from.

We saw each other fairly regularly, like once every 2 or 3 weeks. Immediatly after arriving back the depression came on in full swing. He is constantly teary, crying, i havnt seen him smile fsince we came back. In China he would still be happy some of the time.
He says constantly he doesnt see the point for staying alive, he wants to kill himself, there is nothing to live for etc. He still gets very angry at me, he doesnt want to kiss me or even hold hands and physical contact with me, and anyone else, makes him feel nauseous. He says seeing me makes his depression worse, which really hurts cus I have been so kind and gentle even when I have been shouted at.
He has no sex drive, altho this isnt a prob (at the minute!) as I am a christian so we are not having sex as we are not married.
He never wants to see me as he says he doesnt want to shout at me, but he happily will see all his friends. He does still love me, and I still love him, but I have trouble accepting that he DOES love me cus he doesnt act like it.
I know things are going to be this way for a while, and Im not sure we will pull thru without breaking up but I am dam well going to try!! Im not letting his depression beat us without a fight and Im going to try my very hardest to deal help him and deal with it and wait til its over.

I have learned over the past few months its very easy to take depression personally, but it actually isnt personal.

I want to be here for him, and I want to come out the other end of this as happy as we used to be, but I know this is a gamble because it might not happen.

What you need to ask yourself is this, do you love this person enough to stay with them through anything, or only when they are happy? Can you cope with the torment you are going through, even if it lasts another 5 or 10 years? Is it worth staying with them?

I sincerely hope the best happens for everyone who has written on here. Remember sometimes the best thing for you isnt the thing you want the most. But I do honestly believe if you love someone with your whole heart then you can get through their depression with them.

Best wishes and merry christmas!

Becky xXx

December 15, 2009 at 5:02 pm
(38) kdb11 says:

i have the same prob. i have been dating the same guy for almost two years now. its been great but last year 2008 his right when we first started dating his grandma died he became really depressed now he is on medication for it. he also has insamia where he cant sleep and it makes him feel worse bc he also takes medicine for that too and now his parents are split up so its been harder for him. and i try to help him the best way i can but he tells me i help but i cant cure his problems. it really scares me bc somedays i dont know if it will be the last day i talk to him i mean him killing hisself or him just breakin up with me bc he cant handle a relationship. we were doin good the first year and several months after but then for about 10 months we have been on and off. but now we have been together about almost 2 months. and we act dont count the breakups anymore. but were doin ok now but then again i dont know how to react when he is in a bad mood i dont wanna leave him bc i love him with all my heart thats my baby and i would do anything for him hes a great boyfriend i just dont like his depression. he has a therapist he also helps him. and last year when he was a junior he went to a regular school he wrote a suicide note the teacher found it his parents sent him to a mental hospital for about 6 days it sucked bc we couldnt see or talk to each other but he wrote me letters & his dad brought them by my house but he said he hated it there it felt like jail or sumthin not that hes been in jail but anyways he also put a gun up to his head one time and he used to cut hiself but i got him out of that. then one month last year we got in trouble for doin things we werent supposed to be doin bc we got caught and we couldnt see or talk to each other for a month which im glad is over with but it brought him closer to me then. but were good today 12-15-09 we had a good day yest. and most of sunday. but i never know what he is gonna be like the next time we talk again. i love him so much i dont wanna loose him but i need help bc ive never dealt with this kind of stuff before.

December 17, 2009 at 1:06 am
(39) Darcie H says:

Wow! I feel a lot better knowing so many people are in the same boat.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for close to three years. We had our ups and downs, but we really loved each other. But over the last week, he had been very cold and distant.

And then suddenly tonight, he called be and broke up with me, out of the blue! I couldn’t believe it! I probed him for reasons why, and he finally admitted how he really felt…

He said was living a lie, he was always depressed, always thinking of death, thinking of destruction. He said he felt like all relationships will fail, so why bother. It broke my heart to think he had been ‘pretending’ with me for so long, although I don’t know if he thinks it’s worse than it is.

I’m a mess. I can’t decide if I should stick by him, even though he says he doesn’t want me there. He REFUSES to go to any doctor, or talk to anyone else. I don’t know if I should just leave him alone, like he says he wants. I’m terrifed of living with his depression. I know it sounds selfish, but I’m scared of staying with him. When he’s depressed, its like he is a completely different person.

December 19, 2009 at 1:43 pm
(40) Becky says:

Hi Darcie,I know how you feel when you said you feel scared at the thought of staying with your boyfriend. Im scared to stay with mine to because it hurts all the time. His depression tears us apart as he cant beloving and affectionate towards me, just harsh and temperamental. But Im also scared to leave him, I dont want to go through that type of heartache again I did it once before and its been one of my worst fears since that it will happen again, and now it might.
Im scared everyday of my situation.
If you choose to stay with your boyfriend, even though he said he doesnt want you to, then you have to be prepared foe the fact that if he is depressed it will be very difficult. Not hopeless, but incredibly difficult, and to top that off it may not even be worth it if the relationship doesnt work. But then if you dont stick by him will you forever be wondering what could have been?

becky xXXx

December 21, 2009 at 8:56 pm
(41) Daylily says:

Today I found out that I’m not alone. It’s helped me so much to know that my BF is depressed and that it’s not personal, that he doesn’t want to be with me or talk with me. We’ve dated for 4 months, and things were great until he lost his job in Nov. His divorce also became final, he was married for almost 30 years. I realize that a man gets his validation from his work, so I think that put him over the edge. He was dealing with the divorce decently, he would talk to me about it and I knew that it would take time.

He seems to have the symptoms of depression I thinki. He falls asleep all the time, even in the morning after waking up and getting dressed. I know he drinks more than he wants to, he’s gone days without showering when he goes MIA, and his moods go from playful and happy to angry and spiteful.

He used to be so loving and caring, he would talk to me about his feelings, his thoughts, his family, etc. Since he lost his job, he’s cold and distant. He gets furious over ridiculously trivial things and then won’t talk about it.

My family sees what I’m going through, that he’s wonderful, attentive and sweet for days or weeks, and in a second will change to an angry person, or become distant and not write or call for 2-3 days. My friends say I should cut my losses, but I love him and want to be there for him, it’s just tough, especially with Christmas being this week. I probably won’t hear from him.

Any advice anyone can give is greatly appreciated.

Daylily

January 6, 2010 at 9:19 am
(42) Jon Clarke says:

My ex bf (yes I’m gay) has depression and is in complete denial about it. ” It’s just the way that I am – if you don’t like it you can leave”.

Don’t take it personally? How on earth are you not meant to take that personally?

All the symptoms were there: cluttered house, not sleeping, poor diet, sensitivity, irritability, negativity, indifference, avoidance behaviour, looking bored and unable to make decisions.

We’ll in the end I left him. I just gave up trying to help him. I wanted to be a boyfriend, not a mother or councillor and had enough of his destructive way of life. What about my life? Were was I in all this? What about my needs?

I heard he quit his job and still hasn’t got one (it’s been 12 months), has no money, has fallen out with old friends (who oddly I now sometimes hang out with) and just wallows in his self pity. We’ve been here before haven’t we?

Depressed or not we all have a responsibility to look after ourselves and hold ourselves accountable for our behaviour to friends and family. Your emotions are your responsibility and yours alone. You cannot use the word depression as a weapon and a reason to treat people like rubbish. Depression is an extremley self indulgent, selfish and boring illness. But help is there!!!!

Yes it is a shame and a pity that he’s ruing his life (I don’t want to sound dramatic but that is what’s he’s doing) but common sense must prevail eventually and so perhaps he’ll sort himself out. Though if he does it will be without me. He’s nearly 40 (I’m 31) and has very little to show for his life.

I’m not trying to be mean to him (there would be no point anyway) it’s just a fact. He has been like this years before he met me (he’s longest ‘relationship’ before me was 3 months) and he seems content to start this cycle of misery all over again.

All I can say is that if you really love them and take time it may work out but I won’t gloss over the facts: most depressed relationships do not last very long. They are unhealthy, non progressing and toxic to you – look after yourself. Sometimes (often) that means walking away.

February 4, 2010 at 2:06 pm
(43) Cait says:

Wow. I am so glad I found this.

My boyfriend and I will be together for 5 years on Feb. 18th, but 5 days ago he came over to my apartment (we both are in college, live a few apartments apart) and was acting strange. I probed and he eventually came up with that he was unhappy in our relationship and was scared he was leading me on (aka not sure he wanted marriage etc). Naturally I freaked out like anyone, but I also suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder- GAD. As I was freaking out, crying, feeling sick, he too began to cry and admitted something was wrong. He was feeling hopeless, as though his life had no meaning, and that our relationship was not worth pursuing anymore.

We have been so happy together, and like everyone says it was so out of the blue.

I took two days off from school to go see my psychologist, who I love dearly, to find a way to help him, and then help myself. And like everyone says, depression is controlling. It changes who you are. I know I need to focus on the now and not WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF. I just can’t bare to imagine my life without this boy (only 20) in whom I have invested so much love and time. I am really struggling with my anxiety now and have hardly eaten in 5 days.

I wish people would update their stories here and give us hope for a happy ending. I also hope people will continue to share their stories as they find this post and give others encouragement.

February 15, 2010 at 5:49 pm
(44) Daylily says:

I thought I would send an update and would like to read others as well. It’s been 2 months since I’ve written. After dating for 4 months, I did not see him for Christmas or New Years (his choice, he had plans with family/friends). I finally met his parents on Superbowl Sunday, he said they loved me. I had given him an ultimatum that weekend that because his behavior is so inconsistent (goes MIA for days after being so attentive for days), that we would just be friends. He changed his behavior for 7 days. He became attentive, called frequently, texted, asked me out several times in a week. The day before Valentine’s Day came and i asked if we would see each other. He said it’s just a commercial holiday and didn’t mean anything. He left me a tiny $1 box of chocolates on my bed, no card, no nothing. Later that night, he called and asked to take me to lunch on V-day. I said great. He sent me a text on V-day morning wishing me a Happy Valentine’s Day, and when I wrote back asking what time we were getting together, I never heard back from him. No phone call, no visit, no card, no flowers. Today is Monday at almost 6 pm and he just texted me saying “Hi”. We are officially broken up as of yesterday. Not because he didn’t do anything for V-day, but because he’s either forgotten or disregarded plans we had made for no apparent reason, for the fourth time. I should’ve done it long ago and stopped giving him the benefit of the doubt. All my friends and family told me to dump him. I should’ve listened sooner.

March 4, 2010 at 9:36 am
(45) sunshine says:

It has made me feel a little better just reading all these comments on here, I have been feeling so alone and unsure of what to do and then just came across all your comments.

When i first got with my boyfriend he told me about his depression in the past and i told him about how i had also suffered. So up till now whenever he has started to fall back down hill he has talked to me and although he said nasty things at the time, he made up for it immediatly.

However this time its like he has hit rock bottom. To make it worse we had just had a few days togther just us two and i was on a high, thinking everything was fine, then as he went to go back to work he just stopped talking to me. I got a text saying he no longer loved me, to leave him alone, he did not need me, goodbye and he was moving out to a hotel. Now im lost. I feel alone with no one to talk to. Has anyone on here ever talked to somone to get help or just have someone to talk to?

Yesterday was our anniversary and everything was cancelled. I just wanted to scream but i know thats the worse thing. I love him and i never want to loose him to it, i just dont know where or what to do. Living with someone who is acting as though they hate you is hard. Also when i try talking to him about getting help or how he is feeling he goes into a trance and just stares, almost like he is possessed. Ive never seen this before with depression and i dont know if its normal!?

I did however try telling him that i would stop ‘nagging him’ (as he put it) for a few days and get his thoughts together but if he doesnt letter me in soon im not sure if the relationship can carry on in this way. I then calmy went and sat upstairs where after about 3o mins he came up and started talking to me for the first time in a few days and managed to go out to the shops together. I would never want to loose him and i dont know if that was the wrong thing to say. But he relocated for me and do sometimes wonder if he would be best moving back to them, as i know been apart from them is one major issue.

I would be interested to hear how people have helped boyfriends/partners get through these times, what they did and how long it took. Also does depression ever truly go away? I suffered it many years ago and then i felt it made me a stronger person and never looked back, where as my boyfriend seems to have had small bouts ever since i met him.

March 23, 2010 at 1:09 pm
(46) cheryl says:

Daylilly,
Thank you so much for your update. This is my first time writing a comment here. I think you are the smartest and strongest one out of all of us. You decided you needed to stop being treated poorly. You needed a healthy relationship, and we all do. We keep holding onto this notion of love for the person we met, but that person doesn’t seem to exist anymore. This is my fourth relationship with a depressed person. In the beginning I have no idea they are depressed. They seem so normal. We have great times and talk about deep things. We fall in love. They make me feel so special. I really start to believe in them, in true love, in soul mates. I’m very patient and loyal. The depression hits and gets harder. They tell me not to give up. Then they tell me they’re “going through stuff and just need time” after being so affectionate, adoring and attentive. The communication stops. I try not to give up. I’m as supportive as possible, trying not to be suffocating. The first boyfriend had many attempts at committing suicide, and I was usually there for him, but eventually, one day, I wasn’t there. And that was it. 8 years later, I reunite with an old boyfriend who I later find out has bipolar disorder. Over a few months of being in love, he disappeared into a major depression. I held on for months, but eventually he told me he was unconvinced and to let him go. That was torture. Now I’m waiting to here from my last boyfriend, who asked me to date him exclusively after New Year’s and was so amazingly romantic in many ways, so intelligent, so thoughtful and sincere. Now he is “going through some stuff” and cannot communicate. It’s been 6 weeks since I’ve seen him (since Valentine’s weekend). He’s sent one email and a few texts and does not answer calls. He texted about despair, loss of interest, broken spirit, no energy, not wanting to go out anymore. I asked if I could meet him for a cup of tea, he stopped responding. I invited him to my birthday, of course I wasn’t even sure if that was an insensitive thing to do. Nothing. I feel weird because I feel I made a sort of commitment, agreeing not to see anyone else, and I sent a text saying I’m not interested in anyone else, that I’m still waiting to hear from him and support him. But nothing. I know he could easily change his feelings about me with all the doubts he’s having. I told him in the beginning just be straight out and tell me if you decide you’re not interested. It kills me to be just ignored and not know if I’m supposed to still hold on. Realistically I should just move on. I believe these depressive men could snap at any time, change their feelings, be consumed by doubts, and they obviously don’t know how to cope or communicate. I’ve been through many tragedies and I’ve learned to cope. Despite how much we love them, we are only going to get hurt because they are so unstable. It sucks.

April 4, 2010 at 1:12 am
(47) lauren11 says:

i need help. i am very young and my ex boyfriend has been repeatedly tried to kill himself. what do i do?

April 18, 2010 at 10:40 am
(48) Tina39 says:

My bf and I have been dating for four years, and do not live together and he has broken up with me now 3 times. I can usually read the pattern, basically when the going gets a little rough he gets going. He doesn’t like to go out much, he ignores phone calls and text messages. Not all the time but enough to be really annoying. I try to get him out and doing things walks, hikes, the gym.. He is ok sometimes but usually wants to stay home, eat, smoke pot and have naps.I pretty much did everything in the relationship, I would come to his place to visit, bring food for us, clean up his place. I really didn’t mind doing stuff but all I asked for was 50/50 time, I give, then he gives… So we were having a little rough patch the last 2 weeks, he kept saying we need to talk I said ok, he kept telling me it’s ok, we will get through this, then says at the end of the week he says loves me and cares for me but doesn’t want to put anything into the relationship. He didn’t feel like doing anything, he admitted to being depressed, he kept telling me that I should go find another guy that will do the things I want him to do like going out etc. He then says he loves me after that and I am the best thing that’s ever happened to him. So now again I sit here alone and devasted after everything we have been through. It really hurts, I hope he gets help and I am not sure at this time if I would get back if he wanted to. I would like stability in my life. I don’t know if I can trust this happening again… I need to take care of me.

June 21, 2010 at 3:07 pm
(49) Gemma says:

Hi, the same thing has happened to me, me and my boyfriend were together for 10months, ive got a daughter from another relationship but, my boyfriend is younger than me, he has ups and downs he can be fine then next day depressed and moody, we tried to work through things he moved in with me, then he moved out after a few months cos of arguing, then on friday everything was fine we had a great day he said he loved me so much, and we would get through everything, then on saturday he was moody we argued and he broke up with me, he said he’s not mentally fit to be with me, ive tried to speak to him properly but hes cold, and now hes blocked me on facebook, im so devastated i love him so much, i felt like he was my soul mate and he did feel the same, now im alone and i just cant stop thinking about him, i cant let him go i know hes the one i want to be with for the rest of my life.

January 19, 2011 at 9:09 am
(50) zoe says:

My boyfriend has been going through really tough times. Even though i stick through with him for what ever he does, he always complains about me not being there to confort him and be with him. When he told me about his suicidal thoughts i wanted to help.. i really did.. but i just dont know how to tell him what he really needs to hear. People habe told me multiple times that i need to tell him that counsoling is the only way but.. Im alittle afraid too.

January 21, 2011 at 5:27 am
(51) sweety@20 says:

Mushroom,

I hope all the responses here are helping you out as much as I know this will somehow help me cope as well. Although I haven’t checked how long ago this was posted (this may be outdated).

My boyfriend of two years is currently depressed. Actually, he hasn’t been diagnosed. The doctors say it could be anxiety as well. He’s a highly sensitive guy who does not have a lot of confidence in himself. It hurts our relationship because his emotions are whacked. Whenever I try to comment on anything he does, he takes it the wrong way and sees it as criticism. He feels as if I am nagging him and looking down on him much like his father does all the time.

He has had thoughts of suicide several times but never did I actually take them real seriously. Often, I just use to think he was just trying to get me to break down and forgive him for upsetting me. Just today, though, he actually attempted suicide right after I told him we should probably break up. Although I was not physically present at the time he did this, I was emotionally affected.

It’s bvvery stressfull to deal with someone who is depressed. At this point I feel like I should leave him because I’m afraid I might push him to kill himself one day when we argue or fight (or when i speak my mind). At the same time he needs my support and really wants me to stay with him.

It’s tough. I just CANNOT WAIT to hear the results of the test he took a few days ago. I just hope the doctors give him a solution and that he gets better soon.

He’s a really sweet person with such a sensitive personality while I (also sweet) can come on too strong. I am very straight forward and cannot help but speak my mind. It’s not fun but I do hope things get better soon.

February 23, 2011 at 5:30 pm
(52) Michaela says:

This all sounds very familiar. I moved to a small rural community about 2 years ago, after a relationship breakdown with the guy I was living with to be closer to family (although relations with them have always been somewhat tempestous), but felt I had little choice at the time.

After about a year of doing my own thing and doing a bit of reflection and self healing, I met a guy whom I felt a strong connection to, and after a while of being friends, we decided to give a relationship a go.

Although I was aware he was a drinker (I too like my beer), I had no idea bout the extent of his alcoholism or past issues. I know his ex girlfriend, and was aware from the beginning he had a tendency to go AWOL for days at a time. Knowing her, I felt he probably had good reason, lol.

During the year we have been together, I have seen him deteriorate significantly. He goes through stages where, for months at a time, will drink a bottle of Vodka a day, and luckily for me, he is a good drunk.

He is loving and affectionate, highly intelligent and loyal…but when he is sober he can be a real nightmare…overly sensitive, I have to walk on eggshells, distant, cold, angry and depressed.

February 23, 2011 at 5:33 pm
(53) Michaela says:

Then he just takes off….usually sneaking out while Im sleeping and he is unable to get hold of, messages and calls go ananswered, he wont answer his door, and noone, even family members, can find him.

This has been sowly escalating since his mother (the only real constant in his life) was diagnosed with terminal cancer about 4 months ago. He has not taken it well and reacted by drinking to the point he gets into a psychotic state (which is very frightening to see a 6″ skinhead/goateed tattood guy who is very intimidating in general to most) and winds up detained in hospital under sedation.

We talk a lot and he opens up to me and cries a lot to me about his mother, and relies on me for emotional support in such a desperate, childlike way, its heartbreaking. But other times, he disappears and avoids me and is distant and it’s very hard to cope with.

February 23, 2011 at 5:35 pm
(54) Michaela says:

I have my own issues with depression, etc so its hard for me to be in the position of girlfriend/mother/nurse, when I can barely keep myself afloat at times. Mostly because of the enormous strain he puts on the relationship with his instability and back and forth attitude with me.

I have had to take him to hospital on a couple of occasions when he has inadvetantly stabbed himself (as ridiculous as that sound) when hes been drunk and dillusional waving a knife around and ended up injuring himself. He is not intimidating towards me, I am not scared for my own safety, but I worry about others as he is quite aggressive and angry.

A week ago he was flown out to be detained in a maximum security psychiactric ward after another episodes, this time breaking into his Dads shed, stealing his gun and threatening his Dad with it and then threatening to shoot himself. His mother is close to dying and now I wonder what’s in store when she does die, if he is behaving like this now.

It’s all too much. I have called to speak to him, sometimes he will take my call, other times he wont, and this frustrates the hell out of me. How am I supposed to support him, when he keeps pushing me away?

And also, I just get sick of it being about him all the time. I have issues and needs too, and being worried sick about him half the time and being enraged with him the other half is doing my head in. But when his mother dies I will pretty much be all he has left.

February 27, 2011 at 10:15 pm
(55) sadteacher says:

I have been in love with this boy for years. We have been in an on/off “relationship” for about 5 years. It is crazxy but i love him so much. About a year and half ago I told him how much i loved him and that i wnated a real relationshp he told me he wasnt ready so i waited until i couldnt take it anymore. He told me he wanted to be with me but never really showed me he loved me too so i walked away for my own sake. A few weeks later he told me i was the love of his life and he was dying with out me. He told me how sorry he was for everything and he would do anything to have me back… this is when i made one of the worst decisions of my life…i told him no. it took us months to even be on speaking temrs. about 8 months later we finally saw each other again and within a few weeks were on a good path together…i thought to maybe the point we had both wanted all long. this went so amazingly until about nov. thats when things staretd to really chage, he had been really sad sometimes when we talked but i just thought it was the thoughts of how i had hurt him. now im not so sure the last few months we have been on this roller coaster. he gets in these moods where he doent want to live and says he is nothing and pushes me away. he says he has none and that he is nothing. all i want to do is show him he has me but i dont know how to do that without psuhing him away if he really wants to just be alone. i know the fact we ended things on bad terms in the past still upsets him but i know that its more than that…i just want him to be his happy self again so we can finally move on to the happy place that i know we both want to be at…

March 28, 2011 at 5:36 pm
(56) Jackie, 11 says:

i have been with a boy for a week and a half now. i have known him for 2 years and i love him so much but he is falling behind in school and dragging me down with him. i dont know how to deal with his depression or cheer him up :( ps is depresssion contagious bcuz i had one of my worst days 2day

April 24, 2011 at 1:05 pm
(57) emily says:

i’ve just possibly spent an hour reading through everyones comments.. and i am too in the same or a similar position.
my boyfriend of 3 years has been diagnosed with depression since he was knocked down by a car previously, the accident put strain on him physically and mentally.

i love him with all my heart, but recently more than ever i am deeply struggling to cope, and i write this with a tear in my eye. all i want to do and all ive ever wanted to do was help him, be there for him and cheer him up, which i try to do more than anything. i think the reason why my boyfriends depression effects our relationship so much, is because when everything is going good, its fantastic, we get on like a house on fire and we ARE happy together. however when the depression rears its ugly face it leaves us arguing and not speaking for days at a time. I am a very emotional person, and when we argue i end up having panic attacks, crying hysterically etc, and i hate myself for it because i feel selfish for not considering my boyfriends feelings, but i find that i just cannot deal with his mood swings. the stage after the arguement is the toughest, as i find that everything we say to each other touches a raw nerve, and my boyfriend is often left feeling worthless and is even stubborn to make up with me.

i really need some advice from anyone who is going through this on how to deal with it, because all i want is for him to be happy, and for us to enjoy a happy, healthy relationship

i welcome any comments, thankyou guys

June 5, 2011 at 1:59 am
(58) inner thoughts says:

hello!

this is one of the toughest situation ever known to human (for me). I spent over an hour reading all the posts here and I bumped into a very few advice. So i tried analyzing the situation. Did a bit of thnking outside the box.

People like happiness. thats what attracts us to our partners when we met them. You can find it in any book ( especially books for the singles). Now we’re in a situation when things look bleek and hopeless.

Well, we have two options: to stay or to leave.

Leaving is one great decision. The perks are big! Zero helplessness! No anxiety for the relationship! You can be free at last! All those arguments about petty stuff which cause tremendous pain and/ or breakup will lead to an end! you can start building your life again! the happiness and optimism that youve hungered for are MORE possible!

Staying….
Its hard to stay. Is he really woth it? are you gonna put up with the whole “chaos” still? you know what I mean.

The deal….

Please for those who are too sensitive, LEAVE! Sooner or later you’ll be on the same boat with him. SAVE YOURSELF! Dont let happiness be sucked right out of you. Plus, you cant do much but agree on what he wants (like demoting you to “FRIEND”). THIS IS HIS BATTLE NOT YOURS. Pray for him.

June 5, 2011 at 1:59 am
(59) inner thoughts says:

STAYING is what almost all of us has been doing or did. Now if your’e emotionally strong and can deal with this, and if youve been asking yourself if hes worth it and you got mostly yes, then STAY! This guy (the man you want to spend a “happy” eternity with) needs help. And this meaans sometimes if not most, your needs are ignored. He needs a sturdy emotional support. The bad thing is, its not sure if he will come out of it. Just remember, all efforts arent a waste! Do what you can. If it turns out favorable, both of you can have that surreal partnership again and he will always be thankful that his sweet lovedrug stayed by him thru crappy moods! If your fears will be portrayed, pray. You did what you can. And yes, theres someone out there for you! Life is what you make it as they say. Wink.

*look after yourself girls. You are affected in what he does and doesnt do. dont go down with him. stay strong!

June 5, 2011 at 11:06 am
(60) millie says:

Its so comforting to know other people have exactly this problem. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 months, and i love him very much. He has diagnosed depression but has refused pills and has psychotherapy – but told me that he lies to his psychotherapist and feels ‘too awkward’ to admit his lies, or to tell the complete truth. I am the only person he confides in.

June 5, 2011 at 11:06 am
(61) millie says:

He never lashes out, and rarely shouts, but has such distorted views on situations that I find it impossible to argue with him and end up agreeing with him and understanding him every time we fight. He eventually cries and after being very blunt and disregarding our whole relationship – e.g threatening to leave, telling me to go fuck other people, telling me i don’t care about him – gets very emotional and tells me how much he needs me and that he only wants to help me and that i am the best thing ever, etc, etc. I never bring up the horrible things he says outside of the situation, hoping it will just go away, but it really gets to me and makes the whole relationship unstable and difficult as he’s so unpredictable with his depression. As soon as these arguments or phases of painful misery are over, he’s ecstatic and lovely and we go back into a fluffy little bubble of loveliness which i don’t want to burst by bringing up how difficult he makes things for me. His grandfather recently died and he claimed to be at peace with everything, and sad but alright, and then shouted at me to break up with him, denied that i loved him, and cried for 4 hours on the phone to me. We don’t live together and he lives 2 hours away from me but i travel to see him every day and then try to make him feel better when he gets sad as soon as i leave, i barely sleep because im up until the early hours of the morning talking to him almost every day, and then i get up early to go and see him, turning up at his house when he’s still in bed. If i’m as much as twenty minutes late to see him, due to public transport, family troubles, anything, i have to spend 2 hours minimum having horribly serious discussions about my unreliability and lack of dedication to our relationship.

June 5, 2011 at 11:07 am
(62) millie says:

For the last 3 or 4 weeks i have left my house at 7.15 am to see him, to be there for him, and look after him whatever his mood and however detrimental this is to my health and mental state. However when i was having a hard time, during a court case, he stayed with me for one night and left as soon as possible, blaming it on his mother. I tred on eggshells in what i say to him to avoid arguments, adhere to whatever he wants from me, and put all my energy into him.

I really need some help.

September 6, 2011 at 7:58 pm
(63) Sam says:

I know exactly how you feel. I try so hard to please him, but nothing is ever good enough. I love him so much but it takes so much out of me to try to get him into a decent mood and when I come home from work, its like he resets and hes angry all over again. I have no idea what to do. I’m afraid he wont get help if I suggest it. I need this to stop, or I will be forced to leave but I know he needs me right now. What do you do to cope?

June 5, 2011 at 11:18 pm
(64) jc123 says:

wow- a lot of your stories sound like mine. My bf (?) and I have been together about 10 mos. We’re both divorced- had spouses who used and cheated on us.
The first 6 mos of our relationship was amazing. Then his shift changed at work. That’s when he started to fall apart. Working overnight, often 16hrs. getting very little sleep. He began getting withdrawn. about a month after the shift change he said he didn’t feel anything for me anymore.

I hung in there- have been the cheerleader. Problems in his life that he dealt with in the past have just overwhelmed him. He’s been moody and depressed. When it gets bad- he pushes me away. (Then starts checking to see if I am really going to leave or stick by him)

We go through weeks where it seems to get better- then he’s back to square one.

Last week he told me he’d been meeting with his ex gf (someone who had used him and cheated on him).

I am so hurt. He’s not the cheating type- we both have been on hurt when a loved one cheated. He knows the kind of pain that causes.

Not sure if he was telling the truth or if he’s just trying to push me away again. (When he told me that he’d been meeting with her- it was odd. Like he was scrambling to think of what to tell me.)

He hasn’t gotten help yet. I don’t know if he will.

I love him very much. I am at a loss right now. Not sure what to do. Feeling very confused, alone and betrayed right now.

June 28, 2011 at 4:47 pm
(65) Guest says:

Right now my fiance is doing everything he can to push me away. He was in an auto accident last week and his already-existing depression has spiraled out of control. He says he will have to hit rock bottom before he tries getting better, and I wonder if he realizes that if he forces me out, I probably won’t come back. I’ll support him to the ends of the earth, but I won’t leave and wait. I’m not cancelling a wedding and then organizing another. And I’m not going to spend months alone and rejected, wondering if he wants me back. At 30, I’ve learned that while love is precious and needs to be nurtured, it isn’t a lightning strike. As much as I love this person, I will move on if he demands it. I just wish I wasn’t faced with this choice of doing what he tells me to do, or staying with him like I want to and being treated like an idiot. Perhaps my objectivism will seem harsh, but for the last 6 months I’ve been the responsible one and I must approach every question level-headed or I would have lost it months ago. If I wanted out, I’d have already left. If I’m forced out, I’m out. I cannot control him and may find that someday I can only save myself.

August 21, 2011 at 3:50 pm
(66) S says:

To everyone here.

When you wake up and find the man you have loved for years has been replaced by a stranger due to depression your heart fills with sadness. All you want to do is hold him close and tell hime everything will be alright. Like most people here i have spent weeks in limbo wondering if the man I love will ever come back. He is cold and mean and distant. Whats harder is that he talks to his ex everyday and feels as though he can open up to her. Ive spent hours wondering if I should leave him so that they can be together. would it make him happier?
Its easy to get angry and wonder why they are doing this to you, dont they care about you at all?

For those of you lucky enough to have boyfriends/parteners that are willing to seek help have hope. Be strong and hold onto your friends. Dont listen when they tell you to leave him or that he doesnt treat you right, they dont understand.

For those of you like me whos partners wont seek help and you wonder whether this will ever end remeber that you are strong, beautiful, kind and compassionate. You are an amazing person who will sacrifice anything for the man you love. And if it gets too much for you dont be afraid to leave. Be there if he needs you but remember you deserve a life too.

To all of you beautiful, heartbroken people from someone who wishes they could take their own advice. You’re not alone, you never will be and I hope that one day you and I will be brave enough to realise how lucky we were to have love from these wonderful, broken men, regardeless of how it ended.

September 2, 2011 at 9:58 pm
(67) sick of my boyfriend says:

I also have similar problem, he wont get help and telling himself he is getting better. I am tired and just want to burst out and tell him to go ahead and die like what he has been saying.

November 16, 2011 at 1:47 am
(68) A says:

To everyone -

Reading this might help someone, or it might not, but I hope I can help at least someone who’s looking for some answers.
I’m also in a relationship with someone who for a while was incredible. Passionate, loving, attentive. He brought out the best in me. I felt like I had met a one in a million person, especially after having several disappointing relationships.

We had so much fun…now, stress, fear of the future, and his disappointment with how the world works has made him jaded and upset. He reaches out to me, but when I spend time with him he’s cold and rude towards me because he feels so miserable. He can’t get out of bed and is overwhelmed by things that never bothered him. Quitting smoking hasn’t helped things either. I know he feels bad, but it hurts when he takes it out on me too.

It could be worse for me. After reading your stories – ex girlfriends getting involved, reaching out and get pushed away- a lot of you have been dealing with this kind of thing for longer than I have, and I feel for all of you. I googled this looking for some answers, and I realized what the advice I would give to anyone else (and for me) is:

If somebody you love is struggling with depression, you can listen, you can offer a shoulder to cry on, you can support them and be understanding when they sometimes don’t have the energy to be attentive and fun to be around. I’m sure most of you (and I hope I can say I am too!) are loving, sensitive people that would give anything to see their S.O. You feel almost selfish because you know they’re hurting, but you miss what you had, and you figure they can’t help taking it out on you a little.

November 16, 2011 at 1:48 am
(69) A says:

But at the same time, there is only so much you can do . When it really comes down to it, if someone has chronic depression, anxiety, or any kind of mood disorder, the only person who can really help them in the end is himself or herself. You can guide someone to get help, you can support someone as much as you can handle, but there is a limit. If you’re dating somebody who refuses to seek help, consistently takes their anger or moods out on you (and won’t recognize it when pointed out), or is draining you mentally to the point where you’re becoming depressed, it stops being something that you need to feel responsible for. You can’t be his/her therapist, and you can’t fix somebody’s problems…they’re the one dealing with them, not you! Eventually, the responsibility for their issues falls on them, not you.

Hopefully my boyfriend will get through this, with me as someone he can trust and talk to if he needs it. I’ll be there for him if he’s willing, and I know how he feels – I’ve had anxiety and depression and I still struggle with anxiety regularly. But remember, life is short. Too short to waste all of your energy and time trying to fix others when you need to take care of yourselves as well! There are so many people out there with issues way over all of out heads, and maybe some of you are dealing with mood problems of your own! Do what you can, but also know when to let go. If things seem like they just can’t turn around in the relationship, know that it isn’t your fault, and you shouldn’t force yourself through something that doesn’t change and makes you depressed too. It doesn’t mean you’re giving up or being a bad person. It’s knowing when things are out of your hands.

Do what you can. But know that you need to take care of yourselves too.

Good luck everyone! I hope I helped somebody somewhere.

November 17, 2011 at 3:37 pm
(70) A says:

One last thing – Here is a great source of info for everyone:
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/living_depressed_person.htm

December 4, 2011 at 4:28 pm
(71) GM says:

@PAPAJOE: Your anti-NHS sentiment is not welcome here, especially when it could endanger the lives of people suffering with depression.

In actual fact the NHS does recognize depression and they are very proactive about it, your GP will consult with you and most likely recommend a course of anti-depressants in addition to cognitive behavioral therapy with a specialist to tackle the root cause of the issue.

February 15, 2012 at 2:02 am
(72) Vis says:

It seems like we all know what “should” be done but it is so much harder said than done. I find it easy to give advice that I truly believe in but am unable to follow myself. I am with my boyfriend for over a year. He is at the age of marriage and a family. I am slightly younger than that, still struggling financially and with university. I admit my life experiences and upbringing has not been very nurturing and I myself lapse in and out of depression. But I think out of care for other people such as my boyfriend I forget my own problem to help fix the problems of others. In a way this has both destructed me and kept me alive.
My boyfriend admits he does not “love me”. He does not want to say something he does not mean, and from his past relationships he seems to be sure he know what deep love is. I understand. Recently because of work and other stressors he has become very angry and depressed with life. Most of the texts I receive from him say “I hate life” or “life sucks”. My attempts to connect to him and my affections have been buried by his troubles with “life”. I understand. I also know I love him enough to live with him for until he decides he wishes otherwise, but in a way I almost know it is impossible because of financial and age differences. Also he does not have the motivation to please me. I will wait for him and drain my life with him until I am gone most likely.

February 25, 2012 at 3:52 am
(73) ana says:

I am also in the same boat. we have been together for 13months in turbulent relationship, on and off every weeks. i am really tired, no more energy to fight, no more tears to cry. I love him very much and want to spend the rest of my life together with him but like you all guys know, it really hard to keep your sanity when your boyfriend just ignore you, get hurtful snaps on you, get suspicious on you for nothing. you want to help him but you are just human with a sensitive feeling. i will do anything to get him cured. i sent all these comments to my bf, i hope it is a good way to do. i just want him understand what i feel and i want from him.

March 5, 2012 at 9:55 am
(74) Cody Anne says:

This has helped so much! Im actually just at my computer now researching about depression as me and my bf only found out today he has it.

We have been together for two years but 4 months ago he broke up with me for no reason at all.. and not even 3 days later he had someone else.. it was pretty hard! But then only 4 weeks ago my bf told me how he made a mistake and has loved me.. but also told me that something wasnt right.. for our first 2 weeks of our relationship it was great.. couldnt put a thing wrong.. but all of a sudden out of no where i honestly cant even pin point the day.. he changed and it was just like one day he loved me and next he dont.

Only Tonight he rang me saying he has depression but needs a break from me..

should i just give up? Will he get better?
would the depression have anything to do with me? did i trigger it?

All these questions are going through my head!

Someone Please help!!

i defiently dont want to lose this guy.. but going to if i can do anything about it :(

March 7, 2012 at 3:17 pm
(75) LL says:

I was exactly in your position. My boyfriend and I broke up this past Saturday. He asked me to give him his space. When I texted him saying that I love him and support him, he texted back saying that he loves me but can’t be the man I need him and want him to be.
We met up and talked and I knew that something was wrong. (We had a wonderful relationship; he talked about our future together and always told people that I was going to be the mother of his kids; we rarely faught) He kept saying that he is being selfish and needs to only worry about him right now and that it is not easy giving up the woman of his dreams. He refuses to get professional help.

My advice to you is if he ask for space just give it to him. When a person is depressed, he/she tends to push the people they are closest to away. They can’t help feeling bad, sad, rage-just negative emotions. They know that they love you but they also feel like they need to be alone. It is not your fault. If you guys had a great relationship and this suddenly happen then it means that there are other stressors in his life right now.

March 7, 2012 at 3:17 pm
(76) LL says:

In my case
1) He got fired from his job. He found a new one but was making a lot less
2) parents filed for bankrupcy and he stressed about what was going to happen..where was he going to live,…what he was going to do
3) His mother was planning on leaving his dad and move out of state. He doesn’t want his mother to be alone so he plans on going with her
4) He lacked motivation to start school. He had a career path but never continued with it.

If he admits he has a problem and is willing to get the right help he needs then there is hope. The best thing you can do is give him his time and be a friend….do not over think things and blame yourself for anything.
Sigh….I know that its easier said then done…but take it one day at a time. That’s what I am doing….I have my ups and downs thinking about this entire situation. But look on the bright side, You’re not alone.

Sorry for the rambling…

March 24, 2012 at 6:31 am
(77) shooter says:

are these guys pisces by any chane. i am libra. this is exactly what i am going through

April 9, 2012 at 12:50 pm
(78) kelly says:

Its so nice to hear from other people with husbands that are going through this. My fiance has severe PTSD from being in the Army overseas. He turns to alcohol and hydrocodone. I have stood by him over and over and tried to get him help but he stops going to his doctor and takes his meds when he feels like he needs it. He needs it every day but he sees taking meds as a weakness. I never know who is coming home to me every day..the man I love or the man I resent becuase of how mean and cold he is to me. He says he has suicidal thoughts and he has two little kids that I am step mom to, We all need him in our lives and I dont want to walk away from him. He is my best friend but its been years and already one postpone of our wedding and I just dont know how to help him or if he will ever be better and be able to love a person that way a non-depressed person could … :(

May 2, 2012 at 3:21 am
(79) Codyanne16 says:

Its so hard… and honestly it never gets easier! One day you’ll have a good day and the next you wont! You kinda just gotta be strong and when they say something that you dont agree with them when it comes to your relationship keep strong.

July 7, 2012 at 12:00 am
(80) Nicola says:

I have been with my guy (we’re in our 40s) for 2.5 years now & for the third time he suddenly decided he needed “a time out” to think about things. I was in love with him & he with me, we rarely had disagreements, spent lots of time together & really were happy (he said I made him happy) He told me he needed to be there for his family & catch up on work. We had a long, happy future planned, he told me it was inevitable we would get married one day. His mum was hospitalised for over 3 mths. in mid Feb. I noticed then we were seeing less of each other, phone calls & texts were less frequent, he stopped staying over here on the weekends because he didn’t want to leave his much older sister alone at the family home! Around the time his mum came home from hospital, he wasn’t talking to me much or texting then he tells me he needs “a time out”, he needs “space” to work some things out. I’ve loved him unconditionally, even driving a long way several times a week last May-July (2011) while he was in hospital for two months receiving ECT and being treated for severe depression (he sent me away after I brought him home from hospital last July too then after about six weeks he wanted to be with me again) here we are now, I’m so sad & miss him so much, don’t understand how he can go from being in love with me, to “he needs space” & “I can move on if I wish” & that he thinks” I’m on dating sites already anyways (I’m not & told him so) & so is he” (he’s lying & is trying to hurt me). I need to know he’s ok because I know he isn’t otherwise why would a man send away the love of his life? He said he doesn’t have time for anything after work, he’s too tired & is helping take care of his very elderly immobile mother. He’s also on a bunch of psych. meds. Its hard to move forward without him, I love him so much. My own GP told me it’s his illness that causes him to separate from me & that he can’t concentrate on a love affair when his emotions are all over the place.

August 2, 2012 at 11:26 am
(81) jojo says:

Hi all,

This is like the story of me and my boyfriend!

We have been together for just over a year now. at the beginning we for on so well, hr was nice, patient,kind, generous, happy, full of energy. We were planning on moving in together, had talked about getting married and children. We were a perfect match. We found a flat and signed a lease. Then, a week before we were to move in, he said out if the blue he didn’t feel comfortable moving on with me and needed more time. I was surprised and upset, we had been planning this for 6 months. After the inital shock I agreedto wait.

I moved into the flat on my own, as my less was up and I had no where else to go. I moved to this country by myself and I am still making friends. However, since this decision not to move in, he has been a completely different person, someone I don’t know. He Is moody, angry, restless, frustrated, impatient, can’t sleep, has physical illnesses like stomach problems, coughing, sneezing. He seems to direct all his anger at me. It us very difficult to keep being patient with him. Hemight go a few days like his old self, then will break down and admit he has been worrying the whole time, trying to be happy, pretending. He has said some very mean things to me. I an not sure if he means them or if its the illness.

How long should I stick around? He says he needs to be by himself, and won’t see me for a few days, it kills me with worry. He sees his friends in these times he is supposed to be by himself, I am worried he just doesn’t like me anymore.

He is starting a new job soon and I know he is worried about it. I know he will be great but he just can’t believe in himself.

I suffer from insecurities myself and he says he can’t cope with me right now and my insecurities. I am trying to be the bigger person and not let his behaviour affect me but it is extremely difficult. How much should I take before I give up?

I just want the old boyfriend back.

August 4, 2012 at 3:56 pm
(82) Carl says:

I was heartbroken that my husband moved in with another woman so I had a spell to bring him back home and stop the affair he had with her. In just 2days he left her and went to live at the motel. He called to say so and get news of the kids. The discussion was pleasant, as if he was changing to become the man I knew when we got married. It was exactly as you said…. Now he’s back home and is absolutely crazy about me. I am so thrilled by this spell that I cant find the right words to say how I feel right now. All I can decently say is that you changed my life and saved the most important thing in my life: my family, way to contact my savior is wiseindividualspell@gmail.com.

September 17, 2012 at 9:40 pm
(83) codyanne16 says:

Hi ladies, me again…

So it has been 6 months since I last wrote on here..

So after 2 months of.dealing with my bf having depression we ended up breaking up.for good.. hurtful decision at the time.. but best decision I’ve ever made..

I found that if they are willing to give up.on you through.having.depression then it always going.to be.like that. Mine and my.exs relationship was good actually great until he got depression.and.I.found.he.loved using that.as
an excuse when he use to make a mistake. I’m.not saying give up on your relationship cause trust me to lose the.one you are in love with.. I think I would.rather get hit by.a truck.. but there is only so much someone can take and.if your trying to.make him better and.forget about yourself you.could actually be worse off.
I have now been.broken up with my exo I was together for 3 years with.. and been seeing another guy who has depression but I found that my new man has had depression a lot worse for many different more serious reason.. and he is nothing like the way my ex was..

Just maybe think about it is it all worth it

October 11, 2012 at 10:22 am
(84) JM says:

I think “A” has the best advice here. I already knew it was the best advice before I came on here but it’s also the hardest advice. You can either stay with someone and try to support them or leave and feel like you’re abandoning them. I love my boyfriend and I know I mean everything to him, but I’m happy and sometimes after I talk to him I end up sad. I don’t want to be responsible for his happiness. I used to be able to joke and talk him happier but it doesn’t work as well anymore after a year of dating and many years of knowing him.

Whenever I get frustrated and want it to be done I feel terrible because he’s important to me and I want to be there for him like I would want to be there for a friend. But I want to be happy. I’d prefer if it was with him but if it can’t be I might have to make a really hard decision…and what if that’s the best decision for him anyway? I feel like he has to be able to be happy on his own before he can be happy with me.

November 23, 2012 at 8:46 am
(85) worried says:

qlHi I’m really worried about my fiance his mum died a year ago today and he wad fine until everyone nice as they were has started reminding him again and he’s started getting depressed again I don’t know what to do ti help should I just be there for him and keep quiet or discuss it with him?

January 27, 2013 at 12:17 pm
(86) Listanne says:

Hello,
I was in a four years relationship with a guy that was pretty serious and almost led to an engagement. Unfortunately, my parents rejected him before and took a while until they got a bit convinced about it, yet one day he tells me that he cant be with me anymore. I was assuming back then that he lost hope, since he proposed three times before my mum finally accepted him. He used to hint that he was falling in the whirlwind of depression. I though he exaggerated until he said that he has no feelings and he has been diagnosed with severe depression and mild bipolar disorder. Afterwards, he started relying on me a lot and call me every time he was upset, blasting on me and letting it out. Later on, he told m that he is too attached to me and his doctor told him he should cut contact with me because he is crying to me like I am his mother. I don’t get it when the most thing a depressed person needs is having the person he loves by his side. He said that his doctor was right, and that he feels excessive guilt every time he speaks to me and cries to me. He then decided that we should go on a break so that he could pull himself back together. I cant see him suffer like this, he’s been hiding things from me but swore on hi life that he is not cheating.

February 11, 2014 at 4:36 pm
(87) Katie says:

Hi,

I have a similar situation with my boyfriend, only I really don’t know what to do. He can be very moody, but like all the other comments on here, he has good days too.

We have been dating a year now, and he told me that he has suffered depression before; however this is not at all what I expected, he has disappeared off the radar, haven’t seen him in nearly a month, he’s called and texted me once to let me know here he is, but now he doesnt answer my calls or texts.

I know he doesnt want to finish with me, as he’s normally very outspoken and would say so. Which is why I am now very very worried about him. If he wont talk to me, what can I do to help?

I am not sure if I should even bring up the topic in a text message (as he wont answer my calls); do I tell him that I am there for him when he’s ready, or do I cut my losses and move on? I dont want to do the latter, but I also dont know how he would react to me texting him, he obviously wants to be on his own, but not trying to contact him surely tells him I dont care, when I do.

Has anyone any advise, I have never dealt with this before and want to do all I can to help him.

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