| Anna's ECT Diary | |
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(Guide's note: The use of the term "spoiler" and the asterisks prior to the body of this post are considered good "Netiquette" to warn those who may be offended by the topic being talked about.)
this is a big spoiler .... this post talks about suicide and self-harm
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but don't worry, i am absolutely *not* talking about it in context with me, like i was a few weeks ago say ....
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do not contact my isp, do not panic, I AM IN NO DANGER
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if you are feeling really vulnerable and this kind of thing might upset you, please, don't read on
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amazingly curious business, this affective disorder lark.
i feel like alice who's fallen back through the looking glass ... or through it ... i really can't tell which direction.
i'm a strange child. i've been having morbid thoughts, but revelling in the fact that they now seem to repel me more than before, before, when they used to attract me. me and brad were having this cool conversation last night, talking about the taboos and issues around depression and suicide, talking about photography, using art provocatively, thinking about maybe photographing depressive bodies, bodies with scars (like mine and brads), bodies which have been subjected to suicide attempts. thinking about staging suicides, mocking one up in a studio, and photographing it ...
i was scared and fascinated by the idea --- imagine how cathartic to be able to see that image ... the crux, i am intrigued, mesmerised, by the idea of seeing my body dead, seeing myself at the moment of death, the successful suicide, my mortal coil, shuffled off ...
but, and this is the difference people, i want to *feel* it, the shock and recoil of seeing myself pale and inert ... do you hear me? i want to
*feel* it
i *want* to *feel*
i want to feel
heavens above.
where will it end?
anna xxx
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