I remember my frustration at making no headway. I also remember my slipping into a darker world - - one of staying up all night (or sometimes a few nights in a row), sleeping for days and being unable to get out of bed, experimenting with drugs and alcohol, sexual promiscuity and overspending. I didn’t speak about all of these symptoms to my therapist and my diagnosis remained: "depression." I remember it on my invoices which I had to give to my parents every month so that the doctor could be paid her $45 per session.
After graduation in June of 1984, I moved to Manhattan. My first stop was a psychiatrist, who in less than our first fifty minute session again diagnosed me with depression. I remember thinking, "this is great, this diagnosis and label, but can anybody do anything for me and am I ever going to get better?" If you’re familiar with my story - - "Electroboy: A Memoir of Mania," a chronicle of my battle with mental illness, you’ll know that I continued to see doctors throughout the decade, continued to be misdiagnosed, experimented with medications, got into lots of legal and financial trouble and finally had electroshock therapy and was hospitalized until I finally was stabilized in 1999. And just a note: that’s 20 years of therapists, misdiagnoses, medication experimentation and hopelessness.
In total, I was diagnosed with depression by eight psychotherapists and psychiatrists over a period of thirteen years. Diagnosed wrong. Absolutely wrong. My accurate diagnosis was manic depression or what we call bipolar disorder today. I suffered from rapid cycling manic depression - - it was a roller coaster of euphoric highs and desperate lows - - each morning I would wake up and be surprised by my mood. Some days, I would jump out of bed with a bang (if I had even gone to sleep the night before!), get dressed, drink a few beers, hail a taxi to the airport and choose a destination once I got there - - Acapulco, London, the Caribbean or maybe something just "kind of bland," like Los Angeles. Those were the highs. But during the lows, I’d sleep for days on end, barely eat and just stay inside my apartment in Manhattan in total darkness. This was the "depression" of my manic depression and it was horrible. These were the days that I prayed for my manic episodes to return, but they didn’t. So, I waited it out until I’d either come to an even keel or "slip" again into an episode.
Almost a decade later, after so much experimentation with medication and finally finding the right combination of drugs, my condition has been stabilized for almost five years. Not that my medication regimen hasn’t been "tweaked" in the last five years - - "we’ve" played with it quite a few times, just to get it perfect. But now the manic episodes have stopped and there’s no depression. I’m leaving an even-keeled life and don’t experience the tremendous "ups" and "downs" of my illness.
In retrospect, there are so many things that I would have done over. I would have spoken more openly and honestly to my doctors about my symptoms. After all, I only sought out mental health care when I was depressed (why would you go see a doctor when you were high and feeling good?). But I still feel comfortable saying that I wish my doctors had asked more questions and moved past the diagnosis of depression when they realized treatment wasn’t working, because it wasn’t working for a reason: misdiagnosis. And I would have read more information about mental illness. I didn’t. I knew very little about my own condition and could have benefited from other people’s accounts of their battles, which is what motivated me to write "Electroboy."
I don’t wish depression or manic depression on anyone. However, at times I feel somewhat fortunate to have been through some of my experiences, as they gave my life tremendous perspective that I probably would never have seen. But those out of control highs and raging lows - - I never want to go back there again. And I’m hopeful I won’t.
Andy Behrman is the author of "Electroboy: A Memoir of Mania," a chronicle of his battle with manic depression (bipolar disorder) and maintains a website at www.electroboy.com The film version of "Electroboy" will go into production in the Fall with Tobey Maguire. He is currently working on the sequel to "Electroboy" and travels across the U.S. and Canada speaking about mental health.
